fish often wonder if its truly possible to live life without questioning one's sense of purpose, meaning and one's ultimate creator. because to fish, these questions come so naturally and her need to find the answers just kept her seeking.

functionalistic theories of the good, bad and the in-betweens

on the very day human beings were bestowed with the gift of free will, the fundamental equality and order became a lost cause. inherent survival need - governing the interests of self above all others - was simply too convenient and tempting an excuse to be used to extract oneself from his or her guilt consciously or subconsciously.

there is no doubt in little fish's mind that nice people exist. but she also believes that more baddies walk on this earth than the goody people. nonetheless, earth to her is still predominated by the in-betweens. stuck in this sense of in-betweeness, many tried to pledge their allegiance to one side, only to find that the single constancy in life is but a struggle maintaining that idealistic allegiance in their minds. some took on this struggle consciously, some attempted to evade it. and others petended they didn't exist.

Indescribable (Chris Tomlin)

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to it's light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

wake up.
lie no further.

the day is here where you realises
that life itself is the pilgrimage that leads us to our creator.

the day where meanings unfurl,
and the beauty of nature unravels itself,
is the very day where you finally open your eyes to see what He is showing you.

He, the one who had loved us before the very beginning of the world,
and,
before the very beginning of time.

He,
is my Lord.

what awaits an existentialist at the end of her journey?
what makes of those legacies she fought so hard to leave behind?
what happens when the big picture never gets any clearer even though she tried so hard to see it?
what happens if she found the answers she was always looking for but gets lost thereafter not knowing what to seek next?
because no matter what she seeks, both the wait and the getting of an answer wears her down?

the wide ocean she once belonged,
she longs for it because its deep like there's no end to it.
she longs for it because she can hide.
perhaps at the end of the day,
she only longs for it so that she may keep on lying to herself.
where is she?
will she only ever be found when she stops looking?

where is she?
she's lost me.
and i, her.

Family Tree by Matthew West

You didn't ask for this
Nobody ever would
Caught in the middle of this dysfunction
It's your sad reality
It's your messed up family tree
And all your left with all these questions

Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was?
Do you have to carry what they've handed down?

No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

I have a dream for you
It's better than where you've been
It's bigger than your imagination
You're gonna find real love
And you're gonna hold your kids
You'll change the course of generations

No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

Cause you're my child
You're my chosen
You are loved
You are loved

And I will restore
All that was broken
You are loved
You are loved

And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're brining new life to your family tree now
Yes you are
You are

No, this will be your legacy
This will be your destiny
Yesterday did not define you
No, this will be your legacy
This will be your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're brining new life to your family tree now

stranger-than-random rumblings-in-a-bubble entry

if only all watches stay un-waterproof, then fish would never be bothered by the notion of time her little ocean. yet one day some genius just had to invent waterproof watches. and so now her world is no longer timeless. the want for par excellence is simply weighing fish down. down. down. she can't breathe. she feels her lungs filling up with water, and she is sinking deeper and deeper into the ocean - she can't see! yet strangely, that gave her a little tiny sense of relief. for she is afterall, a fish. and fish breathe with their gills, not lungs.

looking through the lancet arch, what might one wish to see? for life is afterall not meant to be understood, its meant to be lived. hmmm... be lived.

into the deep waters fish swims so deep, she wonders if any fish will ever know how to reach her? ... are you my conscience? iridescence.

on mind reading. fish thinks that her mind says....

"you still don't understand, olivia, we're not supposed to know what other people think." hmmm....

see, you're not supposed to know what other people think in their minds that they don't wish for you to know, yet there also exists a dozen unspoken thoughts in their very same minds which they'd be happy if you knew. hasn't this always been part of the defining criteria for a soulmate anyway? rather contradictory creatures, fish would say. essentially, to be understood encompasses both the aspects of being empathised with as well as being mindfully-read by another, no?

one may feel distanced from the entire world when no thoughts of his or hers could be read by another unless explicitly stated. yet, some laments the fact that others could read them like a book. so, tell me again funny humans, how would you like yours to be read? from the left, right or the centre?

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

recently, some gentle currents of troubled waters prompted fish to do some reflection on faith, hope and love.

love put into action is but trying to see through the eyes of those who love us and through the eyes of those whom we love. to experience love is more than feeling the emotions that stir one's heart. because true love endures, it encompasses self-sacrifice, both ideally and practically.

to learn to love someone who loves us, we have to first begin to genuinely love ourselves, and to love ourselves means so much more than indulging ourselves, it sometimes involve us saying 'no' to ourselves. as contradicting as it may seem, at times somehow, the depth of our love is actually proportional to the intensity of consciousness and painfulness in each and every decision-making step we take in our lives.

to find the light at the end of the tunnel, we need hope to take our first step, faith to keep us going when we lose sight of the light and eventually each struggle we make along the way will then testify to our love.

the journey of life was never about the beginning and the end - it has always been about the 'getting there'. life's meaning and purpose was never meant to be figured out - one needs to seek it.

at times when i run out of words, i like to paint a picture.
in this picture, i see a sea.
in the sea, lies a bottle, and in the bottle lies a little note.

"start somewhere, anywhere, then learn, to move on. at the sea, we feel lost when we lose our anchor. some spend a lifetime wishing they'd find back that exact spot where they lost their anchors and realise that they never really will. some find it hard to swim against the currents and lose their strength. and some learn to find the faith and the hope to believe in the sea, that its currents will bring them ashore one day, so that they may start life anew, somewhere. the sea of time heals, only if you allow it to. its alright to not swim against it, but stay afloat, no matter how hard it gets, and believe that you will find the shore you truly belong to one day, someday."

for what is hope, but something free, yet something that brings strength to those who refuse to let it go? and what is faith but not seeing, yet believe?

caching of the witty vibrassie,
heads notched on a starboard.
the witty vibrasse swayed,
back down, a trickling sensation entailed curtailment,
as the mob of the hollow tribe embarked on the quest for the crystal of nothingness,
so did missings of the endearing misgivings ensued.

"no matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always gotten there first and is waiting for it."
yet,
"who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light?"
"the only necessary for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing."
for where darkness is, light can exists, yet where light is found, there is no room for darkness.

the fallacy you once tried to believe in, and the truth you constantly evaded;
they return to haunt you yet again.
no effort put into running, you stood your ground.
no, you can't face the sun, yet the dark cave you abhor!

when then, will your insufficiencies crumble beneath your feet?
when then, will your desires cease to tangle your soul?
when then, will you ever find rest and feel naught and naught?

when then, can you be yours and yours alone?
till then, i shall long for that i no longer longs for.

recently, our dreamy little fish was enchanted by both taylor swift and adam young's enchanting fairytale and their 'enchanted' love song that she's inspired to try writing a song for someone whom she truly felt very strongly for once upon a time.... a long long time ago :) so here goes.

Just yOu being nice

your warm Smile was like tHe gentle sun
You made me feel safe tO fall when yoU're around
though you could never really sing, but if i ever had a guitar
you'd be the reason why it got Wet

i usEd to stand by the window sill,
wishing you'd know how i feel
but i foRgot to makE the one moRe wish
that you'll fEel the sAme for me

but you’re just being nice, way too nice, so nice you meLt my heart
and you're perfect, what more could i say
when its Like You walked out from my dreams?
but fairytales don’t just happeN In life
Cos i'm not thE one who caught your eyes
even though you were the one who caught mine

these scary feelings i've ever had
for the first time in my life
i tried so hard just to pretend
that you're like my any other friend

But each time yoU smile
my guard just falls and somehow i can'T say no
i wonder iF you truly knew how hArd it was
when i told you i'd be strong

but you’re just being nice, way too nice, so nice you meLt my heart
and you're perfect, what more could i say
when its Like you walked out from my dreams?
but faIrytales don’t just happeN in life
cos i'm not the one who cauGht your eyes
even though you were the one who caught mine

when you told me you don't think you'll ever Fall
i dOn't know how i should feel
but when i found out you actually did
i wondeRed if You've lied because yOu were just being nice

i jUst wish that one day you’d know
that i was never really strong
but when i see otHers needing you, i jUst had to be
and its alRight, i'm okay, so don'T worry about me
i'll move on, on my own, aS promised, i will be strong

cos fairytales don’t just happen in life
and i'm not the one who caught your eyes (even though you were the one who’ve caught mine)

one day, fish simply decides to write a song for some very interesting fishes who swim pass her waters... (currently)

like the way you cycled to the shelter where i'm at,
the way you'd just sit on the floor it feels like 'welcome home'
the quiet and reserved side of yours, like you're somewhat deep in thoughts
or maybe you're just like me who gets lost easily in one of those daydream episodes

cos' its a nice feeling to see you drive by the same old path.
so say hi and wave at me each time you pass me by

there's a one-sided tacit understanding that we'd never really go that far
still your backview from down the same old road feels warm and familiar


the thing's you probably won't notice all these flashing across my mind,
as i ask you serious questions linked with some distant faraway theories
and the thing is you'll probably never find out - beneath the tacit understanding
that the weather here's unpredictable, like the way you sense to me

cos' its a nice feeling to see you drive by the same old path.
so say hi and wave at me each time you pass me by

there's a one-sided tacit understanding that we'd never really go that far
still your backview from down the same old road feels warm and familiar...

 

the shoes are tight - they're not quite right
for her feet they do not fit
so why can't she swim instead?

the fields are green and wide
the feeling's just about right
can she stay? but will the magic stay?
her heart too, will it fly one day?

can not she run wild?
and get lost without a care?
can not the knots untie by themselves?
and the mind truly be freed?

let this smile of hers stay a little longer
and her imagination run a little further
let her be where she will
let her be who she sees

would time pause for her if she sings,
that little carefree fish! her prelude!
her epilogue and prologue,
of the story of a childish fish.

.... amidst her thick pile of notes, and inspired by a place she really wants to go, fish 'escapes' a little while and pens down her new composition of yet another song! (just the lyrics though, she'll have the tune one day, another day.)

song title: there.

if i built a tent in the middle of nowhere, would you come find me there?
would you knock on my door if i should hide and would you have waited if i was away?
would you have stayed and watch with me the surreal lights,
splash across the northern skies, singing a tune of hope so melodiously?
would you then believe in miracles, and find the strength to leap and plunge?

there you can still ride your stallion
while i walk
and i will dance in the rain
while you watch
as long as you are there with me,
everything feels so safe

maybe you had already built your tent before i mine
should i then look for you there instead?
and what if i should realise you are really there?

and things become clear like the waters and i can no longer hide?
perhaps by then you'd have ceased to remember how to spell fairytale,
or long for the existence of that distant dream.


where you can still ride your stallion
while i walk
and i will dance in the rain
while you watch
as long as you are there with me,
everything feels so safe

if i had kept your warmth in my pockets
i would not have felt this bitter cold
if you were here with me now
i would never have let you go
if only you could have held my hands once again in yours
then i would find my faith and believe in love once more

you can still ride your stallion
while i walk
and i will dance in the rain
while you watch
as long as you are there with me,
everything feels so safe

as long as you are there with me,
there feels so right and love seems so real

Down (Jason Walker)

I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

Not ready to let go
Cause then I'd never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Oh I am going down, down, down
Can’t find another way around
And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
I never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Oh it’s coming down, down, down.

a song fish loves.
(to the sky by owl city)

Shipwreck in the sea of faces,
There's a dreamy world up there,
Dear friends in higher places,
Carry me away from here,

Travel light let the sun eclipse you,
'Cause your flight is about to leave,
And there's more to this brave adventure,
Than you'd ever believe,

Birdseye view, awake the stars 'cause they're all around you,
Wide eyes will always brighten the blue,
Chase your dreams, and remember me, speak bravery,
Because after all those wings will take you, up so high,
So bid the forest a fond goodbye, as you brace the wind and,
Take to the sky, (you take to the sky)

On the hills of lore and wonder,
There's a stormy world up there,
You can't whisper above the thunder,
But you can fly anywhere,
Purple burst of paper birds this,
Picture paints a thousand words,
So take a breath of mist and mystery,
And don't look back!

Birdseye view, awake the stars 'cause they're all around you,
Wide eyes will always brighten the blue,
Chase your dreams, and remember me, speak bravery,
Because after all those wings will take you, up so high,
So bid the forest a fond goodbye, as you brace the wind and,
Take to the sky, (you take to the sky)

There's a realm above the trees, (where the lost are fnally found)
So touch your feathers to the breeze! (leave the crowd!)

Birdseye view, awake the stars 'cause they're all around you,
Wide eyes will always brighten the blue,
Chase your dreams, and remember me, speak bravery,
Because after all those wings will take you, up so high,
So bid the forest a fond goodbye, as you brace the wind and,

Take to the sky, (you take to the sky)

of human and fishes

when one finds oneself in a world where others want to be cared for more than to care, one can only try to care for as many, with as much strength he or she has. yet if care and understanding were mutual, would not the effect be synergistic rather than draining? rather than getting lost in a frenzy of self-justification and self-righteousness, would not being thankful for one is still bestowed with the means to care be a better way out? for all we know, the world may just end tomorrow and whatever we are fighting for would seem foolish and wasted.

yet its all back to controlling one's negative and self-righting thoughts and not allowing them to consume his or her heart. as with one not letting fear stop him or her from doing what he or she knows is right and to prevent the thought that 'everything is too late' from impeding one's decision to change. fish firmly believes that human beings are genuinely far from being wise enough to never make a single mistake in judgement their whole life, so when its time to doubt yourself about the absence of alternatives, doubt it. when its time to let god take the steering wheel, let go.

fish hopes her positive thoughts will always triumph and that she'll always know what is truly right, not in the myopic eyes of human beings but of the ways of her god of love.

Fragile

(Delta Goodrem)

Six thoughts at once I can't focus on one
Seven days a week but my life has just begun
So caught in emotion and I'm overcome
As I'm falling down I come undone

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone
Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong
Sometimes I feel so frail so small
Sometimes I feel vulnerable
Sometimes I feel a little fragile
A little fragile

In six thousand years what will this mean
Words from the heart or a melody
So caught in emotion and I'm overcome
As I'm falling down I come undone

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone
Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong
Sometimes I feel nothing at all
Sometimes I feel vulnerable
Sometimes I feel a little fragile
A little fragile

If people can see right through my eyes
Like an open door that I can't disguise
I won't be afraid from the tears I cry
I'll not run I'll not hide this is how I feel inside
A little fragile
A little fragile

If people can see right through my eyes.

fish wish she could take some words lighter sometimes. she wonders why there's such a high tendency of some to just blurt out not so encouraging words, rather than keeping silent. she understands that to those who comments some stuff, a comment may just be a comment and hence is to be brushed off lightly, but one really does not need to be perfect in singing or dancing or screaming or taking photographs or playing the piano or doing anything before one does all that right? and the main point is.... fish never even asked for any opinions to begin with? when one feels like it, why can't one just do it (whether one is good or bad at it) without having people commenting on him or her, whether he or she can or cannot do it? what is the point of only doing things they you feel you like and are good enough in them? she'd never want any of her friends to think that way. fish wishes all her friends can try any skills or arts they are interested in, whether they can or cannot do well in them.

she wishes them to enjoy all these wonderful and beautiful hobbies. while fish has friends who can't sing extremely well, she will encourage them to sing and she will sing along with them (if she knows the songs). while fish has friends whom differ in skills-level in photos-taking, she still admires their passion in taking each shot equally. but why are some friends of hers not able to do the same? perhaps fish does take words from certain friends whom she values slightly harder than the rest. she understands how or why her friend may have said some stuff, whether consciously or unawarely, and she still loves her friends for she does not forget every bit of nice little things they did for her.

perhaps god gave us many many friends because everyone is simply too different, so one can't be everything perfect to another. there are friends who are extremely encouraging and positive when one needs a shoulder and a listening ear while there are friends who have a lot of exposure to many things when one needs a solid advicer. and there are also friends who can play with you and not mind if you are perfect in what you play, as well as friends who really spend a lot of time in studying a certain skill-set when one wants to learn more.

friendship can only be strengthened when both friends choose to focus on the nice and supporting memories and learn to accept the tiny flaws in each other. positive energy is a requirement to keep fish believing in fairytales. she thanks god for every single one of her unique friend and they are all very precious to her. :)

"the other side is much brighter, i promise."

"which other side? the side that does not exist?"

"but before i was here, i was there."

"then leave me and return. i see no bright side."

"if you only would open your heart."

Andrea Bocelli... Con Te Partiro

When I'm alone I dream on the horizon
and words fail; yes, I know there is no light
in a room where the sun is absent, if you are not with me.

At the windows show everyone my heart
which you set alight; enclose within me
the light you encountered on the street.

I'll go with you, to countries I never
saw and shared with you now, yes, I shall experience them.
I'll go with you on ships across seas
which, I know no, no ,exist no longer;
with you I shall experience them.

When you are far away I dream on the horizon
and words fail, and, yes, I know that you are with me;
you, my moon, are here with me,
my sun, you are here with me.

I'll go with you to countries I never
saw and shared with you, now, yes, I shall experience them.
I'll go with you on ships across seas
which, I know, no, no, exist no longer;
with you I shall experience them again.

I'll go with you on ships across the seas
which, I know, no, no, exist no longer;
with you I shall experience them again.
I'll go with you, I with you.

there was once a little girl.

there was once a little girl who wanted so strongly to believe that the light would definitely reach the darkest of the darkest region one day. she firmly believed so as this was the only way people can draw strength to live on. hope. then she met another soul who clouded himself in such complete darkness she became scared. she's never seen anyone else who's world was this dark and she wished so much to bring him to the brighter side. yet she does not know how. though she's seen people from both worlds and she lives in the brighter world  herself, but he had spent too long a time in the dark that he has lost his belief in light altogether. what should she do? gloominous hopelessness is so infectious, its creating wounds at such an alarming rate, so fast that love could not heal the wounds in time. happiness spread, but they end so fast. hope. was she wrong? hope. how to show it to him before he convinced her that her world does not exist and that they are both in the dark world together actually? no. she is surely right about the light. she just need more candles around her to convince him. more candles. more warmth.

lyric-ing attempt 2

one day you will wonder.

verse 1
see, the world you live in isn't coloured
be intrigued, or, be filled with apathy
you found a sense of loss and lost your sense of keeping
oh, what a pity!

chorus
and one day you'll just wonder
so this day you just ponder
tomorrow may be different
but you're just the same

verse 2
you tread on cos the crowd pushed you along
you can't hide among the crowd (you can't hide)
not when the street's filled with people like you (just like you)
isn't this funny!
*chorus

verse 3
tried to be unique or extremily plain
tried to be funny and end up with tears welling
what's the point of purpose, what's the real bewilderment?
think too much, too much.
*chorus

bridge
and so you keep on thinking if you are thinking that you are thinking
and then you stop dreaming to see if you are really dreaming
and you'll be filled with nothing except fairly confusing concludings and...

and one day you'll just wonder
so this day you just ponder
tomorrow may be different
but you're just the same, just the same

inspired by a show fish recently watched, she decided to try some lyric-ing. :)

existing, you.

missing the missing through others' eyes

and piecing the pieces in others' minds

linking the distant us in a distance, i'm looking for you

tearing the pages of looking back

weaving the thin threads of a clouded mind

enduring the pursue for the distant wish, i'm finding you

a running mad hatter on forbidden tracks

after the fading scent of missing you

like a butterfly that has never landed, i'm chasing you

into the abyss of forgotten souls

trying to fill my non-existing heart

losing the strength and hope of holding on, i'm letting you go

the round crescent and the autumn snow

finiting the never ending timelessness,

now i'm wanting your existence and so i'm dreaming of you

why do one often find things looking nice and simple when one looks at the surface, but once one decided to ply and look beneath, each layer gets uglier and ever more complicated? what would the last and final core be like then? would one know? or rather, would one ever want to know?

here's a story i want to tell.

here's a story i am telling.

here's a story i've just told.

here, its your turn. what's your story?

while trying to rush out an assignment report, i tried catching the last few episodes of tvb 强剑, in between my breaks, and, i was simply appalled by its ending. appalled enough for me to pen down my complaints here. really rare for a rather loyal tvb fan like me. but the ending is simply too much. *warning: emotional entry.

强剑: do NOT watch the final episode if you haven't. (the other episodes are great)

the final episode simply KILLED the whole series of 强剑 totally. totally. my goodness. i was about to rank it as one of my favourite series until i watched the last episode. and i totally wished it had just ended at any other earlier episodes, anyone of them will do. SERIOUSLY. i don't get what the scripwriter is thinking? everything from episode 1-19 was entertaining and fun to watch and the last episode is like jaw drop times ten. make it times hundred. the worst worst feeling i've ever gotten from a tvb drama.

成风 and 荆磊 taking the death of 莫问（司马雪）so lightly is simply??!!!北堂傲 exploding is ???!!!! the musical is another ????!!!!! and the worse of them all is 成风 marrying 水灵. really. ??????!!!!!!!!!!. that totally IS IT. i HATE it when such a good casting simply went to waste cos of a ?????!!!!!!!! script???!!!! argh. totally pissed off. how can tvb do this to its loyal fan. *hurt. totally. lose faith + feels cheated.

how can 成风 go with 水灵 and not 北堂紫珑?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!. irritated. totally. how can they waste a series like this with such great potential??????????!!!!!!!!!!!! kns. argh. seriously kns. its like i had SO MUCH LIKING for this series and the ending simply made me regret to even begin watching this whole show in the first place and getting attached to the characters. pissed off. argh. :( i think i can continue working on my report for a quite a while since the final episode simply made me very... ????!!!!!.

can they please remake the last episode and brand it as 'the other ending'? i will gladly go and buy that episode's vcd, seriously. just remake it. really. how can tvb do this to me? :( i dun even want to put its picture here lest i get reminded of the ????!!!!! ending. seriously.

the wily fox, a quiet dog and a circling eagle.


the wily fox strolled alongside the wooden fence, while the silent dog sat and watched.
the wily fox pondered about the silent dog, its eyes seem to hide more than what they revealed.
the silent dog followed its gaze, letting nothing slip.
all these while the eagle circled the sky, capturing everything, and nothing.
everything and nothing.

the owl closes its eyes. night falls.
tame the peacock, raise the dove.

find the eagle, ride the wind.

好像缺了一块 再拼不回来
再不存在 比空白更空白
每一次我想起来 其实你都还在
蓝色悲哀 流过我的静脉
我不要爱我不要爱 可是我离不开 
假面的告白 不坦白的坦白
你不会爱你不会爱 你只爱接受爱
眼睛睁不开 看不到未来 也哭不出来

被时间活埋 从盛开到腐坏然后爱
从洁白到苍白 从苍白到尘埃
我想离开我想离开 可是我还期待 
假面的告白 对自己不坦白
你不会爱你不会爱 你害怕接受爱
把两手张开 抓不到未来
抓不到未来 有你的未来

好像碎了一块 再补不回来
再不存在 比空白更空白
每一次我想起来 其实你都还在
浓的悲哀 化不开

a white rose sat, elegantly on her table.
she looks at the rose,
t'was faintly scented
she loved it.

it was such a simple white rose,
it may not be grand nor brightly coloured,
it may not be costly nor unobtainable,
but it was a special rose nonetheless.

a rose that tells her what she already knew,

that a child will always have a special place

in her mother's heart.

the girl in the yellow raincoat.

pitter patter, titter tatter, slitter slatter, drip and drop.
one step two steps, three steps four steps,
the small lady hops amongst the tiny raindrops.


flitter flatter flutter flotter,
with each step, water splashes.
splitter splatter splutter splotter.
she smells the rain, she feels the rain.

she flings her little umbrella to the greyish skies,
and her little hoodie to the back of her mind,
along with the little nagging troubles.

round the lamp post stand,
she swirled and spun.
beneath the dark gloomy clouds,
she wished she could run.

somewhere faraway,
where she'd always be able to fit,
into this little yellow raincoat of hers,
and never outgrow it.

though time is timeless,
the little girl is not.
sizzle sazzle, suzzle sozzle,
the rain gentled...

beneath the waning moon.

beneath the waning moon,

there i sat, still as the creepers climbing up the tree.
there the leaves swayed, by the night's cool breeze,
there the wind wept, moved by the silent moon.
there the glistening shimmer of your reflection lay,
in that flowing river, out, to the horizon.
there you stood, not knowing my gaze.

once, i wondered if you are really there,
then i awake to find the tears still here.

"and because love is subjective, you can define it as anything; hence nothing is correct and nothing is wrong. and so in short, if you believe in love, you believe in nothing..."

  full time philosopher for hire. anyone? abstractology = fruit of excessive thinkingnism.

so, why beauty and the beast and not any other fairytales?

because it wasn't love at first sight for once?

 because neither the life nor the consciousness of the lady hinged on a kiss?

 because looks and possesion became secondary?

because it took more courage and strength to let go than to pursue or to hold on?

because it went deeper than appearance?

because they saw each other, knew each other, and found each other. 

because it entailed the essential spirit of true love - self sacrifice.

yet why prince and not beast? the looks?

but he was not born a beast, but a prince who eventually found his true self through her. 

and she was a lady who was brave enough to dream, to seek, and to love.

 

a tale

as old as time.

"but you can't say to the rain, more rain, and the sun, more sun."

"you said you dreamt that we'd grow old together."
"and we did..."

why, dreams.

slips away, slipped away, the pages she had meant to write.
into the depths of her mind, the ink resides.
she's forgotten when and she's forgotten where,
the drawer where her book and pen lie.

countless the times she tried to write.
to look through the glass window to find her soul.
she cannot remember though she tries, at least not all, she guesses.
what's gone is gone, those fleeting thoughts!
that irritatingly slippery concepts which refused another moment.

time is a scary thief, for what it steals you can never retrieve.
one can cheat death, tempt fate, or climb a tower
but one can't go on, move back or replay hours

and hence human learnt what sadness is
what one can't control and yet one can lose
the tears of human, a drop or two?
shed for all times and for old.

sheds but till one's heart is dead.
cold and alive, yet still and dead.

cold and alive, yet still and dead.

and so one fine day, while little fish was gliding through some coral reefs, she heard some strange waves of sound... strange, yet interesting, little fish can't help but smile as she listens.

A: so, do you really believe in true love, dreamer? are you really trying to find that special someone? do you think that that someone truly exists?

B: hmm... would this be an afterthought to watching 'everything you want'? abby and seale? hahz, perhaps you're not that different yourself afterall you know, apart from seale appearing more visually real than that someone you're dreaming into life.

A: you seem to be avoiding my question. do you not have an answer?

B: do you, then? what then about quinn? and if seale really happen to exist? and if he and abby happen to meet one day? just a side point, so does quinn or seale appeal to you more?

A: don't you think that its somewhat interesting how people often say reality hurts and so do dreams and yet can't help but still have them, and then go out of their way to make them into reality?

B: you know, you still have not answered any of my questions?

A: neither have you. :)

the tears, the tear duct, and the tear glands.

 

recently, our little water faerie found a rather fascinating thing that belongs to human beings. their tears. she realised that at certain times, certain people tear beautifully, but at other times, some of the cries are just awful. tears are almost as contagious as laughter, but have more chances of being starred in an appearance. 'laughter of pain' is definitely less heard of as 'tears of joy', for one.


a mixture of sad emotions welling up, with an overwhelming need of expressing them brings one the tears that needed to be shed. there are some tears which looks extremely beautiful - strings of liquid crystals which reflect a tinge of light in the darkness of one's life. those were the tears that were not shed for selfish wants, or personal gain. those were the tears which were shed due to genuine emotions, those shed in truth, those shed for others. if a crocodile had shed such tears, they would have looked beautiful too.

she also realised that there are some who prefer to tear in their heart, while there are those who allow their tears to flow through their eyes. some people are born with a larger tear ducts or over-active tear glands. she likes to think that for one who can hold more tears, he or she sheds them for those who can't, whether they were born with defective tear ducts, tear glands or those whose hearts were overly-hardened by life. he or she also tears for those whose pains and sadness are too heavy for one to bear.

it was said that we tear so as to wash away our excessive stress hormones in our body system. but she likes to think that we tear so as to embrace life more fully.

changing within change, yet retaining the unchanged.

life. happiness. and some thoughts on them.

had just wondered... which might be worse, the feeling of emptiness or the feeling of hollowness? similar yet different? hollowness implies one 'has a surface' to begin with, while emptiness implies one was 'contained' in the first place.

was just drinking from a glass containing 7 ice cubes. all 7 of them had varying volumes... but hadn't these ice cubes been taken from the same fridge and made with water from the same source? then why are they so different? a while later however, when i re-looked, I only found 5 cubes remaining. and the third time, 2 were left. had their melting rate differed because their volumes were already significantly different to begin with, without me realising, or had the lapse of that few seconds in between their addition made all the difference?

see that life is not stationary and all shall come to pass. see that one will not know the meaning of meaning if one does not start seeking it in the first place. and know that one will not appreciate the meaning of meaning unless one found it but lose it. but before one's final moments, will one ever know life?

if happiness cannot really be sought by one, but it might not seek one either, how then is it ever found?
if happiness is based upon emotions, wouldn't life be summed up in a few cycles of losing it and finding it?

which is closer to your soul, your mind or your heart? yet neither can exist without either. but if an integration of all 3 results in complications and separation results in confusion, then what, should one try to do?

if one can't hold on to something which one can't let go, should one continuing to hold on or let go? yet, if one allows one's tears to roll in one's eyes a while longer, they will eventually dry... won't they?

sometimes weariness can wear one's spirits down so very subtly one could barely notice till one is completely drained. if life is a game where there are no prizes to be won, for everyone dies empty handed, then why should winning and losing matter at all during the course of one's lifetime?

so many things make sense, but all are not easily understood.

because reality is a matter of perception and when you look in the middle you find no one there except yourself. because in a game of squash, there are no losers... yet neither are there any winners.
you are simply playing against yourself, along with everyone else.
because when you look too deep and think too much, it makes it hard for others to follow.
because there is only one us in the world, so we'll always be alone.

because fish is in an autistic mode.
because fish needs and wants space to herself.

where can she go to have the whole seaside, sky and stars to herself just for that little moment? just for that little while? where?

inmacor's photos on flicker never fail to bring this fish into a realm poised between dream and reality.

sieving out that single leeway her only fairytale left her, she fumbled for the dream slit in the midst of her most mundane hours...

   

 风中的她与海平线上的永恒, 有些累了的她依然在风中... ...

 

the sole reason for her existence, the eternity beyond the horizon.

 gong xin ji.... fish simply cannot find a reason to not fall for the emperor lee yi (portrayed by chen hao). he is far too nice a character le lah. ahhh... so nice until fish is slightly angry at the scriptwriter for giving her such a nice big bubble, only to be poked when she finished the show. argh. why on earth did they include the gao xian yang character? see lah, now liu san hao cannot be with the emperor lee yi. argh! how very irritating *angry. fine, but its just a show and such a nice and wonderful person does not exist on earth. ok, so tvb-addict fish should wake up. wake up! nonetheless, chen hao still rocks!!! wahaha.
 

side point, but realised this weird fish here appears to have a soft spot for most of the actors who are not that young, (oppz!) but who are all very charismatic, and at the same time manage to give a her feeling of 'depth'. in addition, she also cannot help but fall for those characters who really loved another character so much more than they love themselves, to the point that unrequitted love does not matter as long as the other party found his/her happiness. perhaps this scene is far too unrealistic in real life, so a piscean has to feed on this realm in shows. haix... hopelessly idealistic tvb-addict fish...

in fact, a review of her three favourite actors... the first two actors had attracted her by the characters they portrayed... both of whom were really really really very nice people in the show. there's gallen loh from tian di hao qing and chuang shi ji, and also lin feng from zai sheng yuan. and finally, her most favourite actor at the moment ~ chen hao!!! ... this one was somewhat most special to her because she had first liked him for his role in luo shen, as a really really nasty character. though his role as jingkeng in feng wu xiang luo simply swept this tvb-addict fish away, his role in gong xin ji simply made fish want to marry this suave emperor lee yi... as in the character in the show. chen hao's eyes are simply mesmerising in gong xin ji plus he really exudes the air of kingship... most importantly, the way he loved liu san hao is simply.... haix! speechless.

those scriptwriters, really enjoy taking things to the max. the evil ones are so evil (and smart) you have no choice but to applaud their schemes while the nice people are simply nice until its beyond your comprehension, such that i, the audience feels a bit extreme-fied by gong xin ji. but i was really really sad at the end of the show leh, (even though it seems like at least liu san hao and gao xian yang can be together, and its good)... but lee yi is the only nice person who did not find his happiness eh! ...all those whom he loved or love him either died or left him. while he stood by the walls of the palace watching san hao leave, i was hoping all the time for her to turn back and return to his side lah! all the way until she found someone who resembled xian yang in her hometown, my heart simply went out to emperor lee yi... despite being such a nice emperor, why is he still alone and by himself at the end of the day? when all he ever did was simply for the common good of his people, where is the happiness that he deserved? *argh.. irritating scriptwriters... why so unfair to him. haix. i like him eh. not fair. :(

oh, forgot to mention about my favourite actresses in tvb... i think there's only 2 so far whom i like... the first one was kenix kwok ke ying from chuang shi ji.... i guess i liked her mainly for her character, while the second one whom i really really liked was yeung yi!!! (tavia yeung). i remembered noticing her as a second degree actress in her earlier shows, but had liked her since then.... she's someone whom i thought really has the potential for both evil and nice roles. now that she's become a first degree actress, i am so happy for her!!! hehe. :D

intrinsic and extrinsic.

half the time extrinsic people do a whole range of different things to make themselves feel good. and the other half of the time, they spent it on telling themselves they are not affected by others, when actually they do. to have any expression of anger, hatred, the like for darkness and firmly believing in self interest is in itself a form of expression of disappointment in the world. to not care means to feel nothing, inclusive of the want of self-parody. not changing oneself in accordance with others' oppinions or wishes does not mean that one is not affected by them.

to fish, there is really nothing cool about being in the 'dark' side because that route is so straightforward that everyone can take. self-centeredness is inborn, there is no need for any extra work, no struggle within yourself. in fact, one simply has to try to ignore everyone and everything else around him or her, and that's about it, for the dark side cares solely and only for oneself; one own's feelings, one own's thoughts, one own's perception and one own's interest period. anything else is irrelevant. this is not difficult at all, and therefore, what's so cool about that? fish doesn't get it.

and therefore she has never really been able to identify or relate to anyone or anything associated with goth culture or any popular culture or any branded fashion for any matter. in her eyes and heart, in terms of 'coolness' a gothic or branded outfit is nowhere near that of mother teresa's, one which was adorned with love and one that represented the triumph over selfishness. the former two represented nothing, nothing except the momentarily feeling of pride from the praise of the general public. one only need to pay for it with cash. after some time the same outfit or accessories can simply be chucked aside to make way for newer and prettier looking fashionable outfits.

materialism consumes a person from the outside, while the want for others' recognition eats one from the inside. happiness is a choice, so is sparing a thought for others. only you can make a choice to be who you want to be and decide for yourself if the kind of happiness you seek is one that is meaningful or one that is of emptiness. this choice may affect others because of certain things you choose to do, but at the end of the day, you are the one who's most affected by your own decisions. a lecturer once quoted that an adult is the corpse of a dead child. fish would rather swim against the currents than to be swept off by them; she will keep trying, no matter how hard it takes to retain that child in her, she will fight to keep what is intrinsically priceless. may she stand the test of time.


when one chooses to give one's life for the love of others, that spirit is what endures the test of time. when our lord gave his life for the world 2000 years ago, his name was never forgotten till this very day. it would have been easy for him to come down from the cross when he was crucified and so much harder for him to remain there.

this day a little blue fish swam in the slightly blue waters.
yet neither the fish nor the waters knew why they were both blue.
little blue fish swam for a long while till she came across a purple package.
for that brief moment, she was seen to give a slight, warm, yellowish glow,
one which she had forgotten how long ago was her last's.

be reasonable. because this is not an excuse.

recently fish is simply tired of trying to discuss things peacefully and amiably, tired of her constantly listening attitude and never-being-heard moments. she is tired of people's rude and disrespecting attitudes and detests getting into "self-assumed conversations" with those who only wanted themselves to be heard. she even lost track of the number of times when she felt like ending such "conversations" there and then, the countless times where she just wanted to tell these people: hey, you might as well just go talk to a mirror or a wall, since they would be ever patiently listening, and never give their opinions in exchange at all, and guess what? you simply don't have to talk to me you know? what we are having here is a one-sided conversation, so why not let's simply end it earlier.

people like to use 'excuses' to convince others, and 'reasons' to convince oneself.
yet essentially, excuses and reasons are all but subjective, defined differently by different people.

nonetheless, at the end of the day, all of us just want to be in a good light, appear responsible, that "we had no other choice" and blameless. fish personally feels however, that this should be left for others to decide for themselves, and not using one's utmost efforts to carefully select certain information to portray oneself in a nice light. for if these people are reasonable, they would neither judge nor be easily taken over by one's incessant insistence. they would be objective in their observations and not see through clouded spectacles. and if they are unreasonable, then to fish, their opinion simply does not matter one bit, period.

"i had no choice since everyone else is doing that." personally, fish firmly and strongly believes and classifies this as an excuse. if you truly detest what others are doing, and allow your very self to do the very same thing unto others, then stop trying so hard to give an excuse so as to see yourself in the light you want. you are but one of them, period.

here's something fish can never stand. overly self-absorbed in "being right" attitude and refusal to hear what others have to say before one gives his or her own judgement. if one firmly believes one is right, then shouldn't he or she have even more patience, composure and grace to hear what the other party has to say first, before incessantly insisting that one's argument is faultless? wouldn't it be easier to convince the others if you first understand the thinking trend they got themselves into and then steer them thereafter?

IT IS OUTRIGHT IRRITATING when fish waits for the person to finish saying what he or she is trying to say and then tries to tell him or her what she thinks and then the person just cuts in before fish finishes, or worse, doesn't even try feebly to let her begin her points. for even the most aggressive debating competitions allow both parties the right to speak, hence to fish, this is outright inconsiderate, rude and uncivilised. and she automatically places that person under her category of "people whom she'll never strike a sincere conversation with or talk to, on her own accord if she has a choice".

to fish, the logic, value and purpose of a conversation is this: she enjoys knowing your opinions, trend of thoughts and feelings on certain matter, and she is hoping to open herself to more views and perspectives which might never have occurred to her before, but at the same time as she is learning all these, if you don't even try feebly to listen, then it is to be considered that a fair exchange of ideas has never taken place, for it is simply a presentation by a presenter, but never a conversation. the soul and heart of a conversation lies in its engagement of the minds, thoughts and ideas of BOTH parties, as it is the case for hands to clap.

upon the shattered mirror her long intent stare.
her depth of soul, the abyss!
darkness creeps.

wants and desires, devoid of taste!

how long her gaze, in or out?
sad was her gaze, in and out.

her wait, her aches, her confusion.
her weary, cheerful looks.
she tiptoed on her shining silver dancing shoes.
watch her silent dance on edges of the green grass patch,
from faraway, somewhere faraway...


she will be alright,
she will be alright.

tell her you weren't seeing,
tell her you know not.
she is too tired for thy worried looks and the weathered grounds.

free her, let her go.
thy hand must not hold back what thy can never grasp.
to nowhere, she belongs,
to nowhere she must go.


she will be alright,
she will be alright.

according to wikipedia, friendship is defined as the cooperative and supportive relationship between people. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves MUTUAL knowledge, self-esteem, affection and respect, along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behaviour, such as the exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviours. Yet for some, the practical execution of friendship is little more than the trust that someone will not harm them.

fish wonders... can two people with different ideals of friendship truly be friends? if one's expectation for a friend is to only understand what he or she feels but not interested to listen or even try to understand that friend of his or hers, can this essentially be termed friendship to begin with? if one defines friendship as you share my joy but i am not interested to share yours, wouldn't that someone be better off with a diary or journal book? when one does not even try to make an equal effort on his or her side, is this a balanced friendship?

everyone needs friend, but how much is one willing to give of thyself to whom you call a friend at the end of the day? fish has high expectations for that aspect. selfish fish in a way perhaps, but idealistic. if at the end of the day, fish does not enjoy being around selfish and self-centered people the tiniest bit, does this make fish one of them too? yet all fish looks for, is the willingness to try, on both sides. that's what she calls friendship.

a truly idealistic love story is one that should never happen in real life.

then there's an aspect which i begun to think about... that when one loves another, one is essentially only loving that person in his/her mind. the projection which one has made of the other person based on their past memories shared or, the imagined possibilites to be shared with that person. i.e. no one actually love another person for who that person really is - one only love that person for who one thinks he/she is... when the image fits in with one's hidden or sub-conscious idealism, voila! love sparks fly. this itself is explained in the theory that without love, there will be no disappointment.

see, disappointment only arises if one has expectations of another in the first place. if you truly love another person no matter who he or she is, then why would one have any expectations of him/her in the first place? it is because one is in love with one's imagination of that person, that's why disappointment occurs. one is disappointed at the fact that love, however idealistic one wishes it to be, is still grounded in reality.

the only mysterious component in love is the ability to feel deeper and more intense the emotions of that someone. without this empathising ability in one, there would hardly be any love to speak of. perhaps, we love so as to minimise the other negative emotions that arise if we did not love. so essentially we love others because we love ourselves, no? we make choices that might hurt us so people we love might be happy, and we call this sacrifice. but could it also be that if we did not make these choices, we are still hurt by the fact that people whom we truly love will not be happy? thus, "irrational" decisions we make can also be logical in this way.

complications in love only come in when we happen to love more than one person, presenting us with some conflicting choices to make. complications also arise when infinite future possibilities are projected differently between different people, of different people. see why loving a person who is unformed, like a child is so much easier as compared to loving someone who is fixed and formed and vastly different from what we hope he/she would have been like.

as long as one feels the depth of another's joy and pain beyond his/her comprehension, one is already in love.

cruel temptation

 

watched till the last episode. love it. nice soap opera. like the story. like the different characters and the way each of them go about making their choices... those seemingly straightforward/right ones, or those which one can't really tell till the very last moment. honestly surprised at the ending. felt a little ??! + cheated. nonetheless, still like the way each character metamorphosised.

 salute the lady scriptwriter. despite her slight dragginess at certain instances, and some far-fetched coincidences and timings, the whole production remains a fairly decent one. like the way she weaves the whole story, linking up signicficant places and her final knit-up of the complicated relations among the three families in a reasonably neat way. kudos to kim suh hyung, for an outstanding shin-ae-ri portrayed and jang seo hee, for all the tears she shed in all of the whole 129 episodes.

thought about the show a bit after finishing it... if the theory in this show is that love is something which one can neither make it happen nor work hard for it, yet one also can't ignore it, then what exactly is one supposed to do about it? isn't it somewhat irritating to find that its essentially something which one can do nothing to it or about it, and yet at the same time one also can't pretend it did not happen?

it appears that no matter whether one holds onto love tightly, or try to let it go, both seemed equally painful. so then what should one do in the end? then there is also the issue of looking at the big picture... if love is about two persons and the two persons only, then why should others be in the picture of consideration too? another confusing aspect of love. random, but i guess Jung Soo Bin would still be the character i like most - clear-headed and in control.

if love taken to both extremes meant unhappiness, one who is wise should perhaps then take it to nowhere.