"i'll like a drop of rainwater refracting light...
and a dash of illumination across the endless dark too."

Friday, February 29, 2008

fears and problems are only as you see them.

times where you tell people to put themselves in your shoes and they'll understand.
times where you might not, in the first place, understand yourself.

be a day of me and you'll understand.

decided. more or less. things be.

be a day of me and you'll understand.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

too much of too much,
too little of too little.
too much of too little,
too little of too much.
just nice. contented. happiness. at this very moment.

one can't retain happiness forever,
but one can remember one was once very happy, truly happy.
a moment like this is.

list of ppl to thank on boxing day & for post-yaya/huijun/cecilia/ceci-just-turned-21 bday party 2008:

1. Daddy and Mummy:
for giving this precious life to me and for the past 21 years never making me feel a moment of being alone and unloved. for trying their best to give me everything i now have. for everything they sacrificed knowingly or instinctively.

2. I am genuinely amazed by my blessings' creative juices and effort. i can really feel it guys, really.

nanhua si3 dang3 aka dedicated member of the saikang committee...
for the 4 of you: i think one thing that i truly feel very special is the fact that i felt that during the party you guys are not the invited participants but my zi4 ji3 ren2, helping to host and run the whole thing for me and yet never fail to surprise me. PQ, you rocked at dispersing leftover food and mopping floor sia.. queen of clearing-up-aftermath.. though most of the mess came from you. meow and teobei, how come its always the small-sized ppl who so you3 li4?! SJ and teobei, i know lugging 5 kg of ice and mango puddings from IMM is not exctly a light chore. meow and SJ, sorry for making you guys run ard to get the drinks and err the sparklers that in the end i never play. wahaha. and ya, one more thing i love - to see all of you zi4 yuan4 jump into the pool and get wet and then hurried out cos scared security guard catch. the part where like you guys start taking out your valuables and surrending to my mom before jumping into the pool is so funny. interestingly memorable. yup.

meow: for the gift: though haven't err officially recieve full package of your err big big gift yet, but i know ur ultra large production probably zapped up more than like the whole year of your own time when you could have used it for other stuff. for the party: without your erm... analysis and encouragement to all my insecurities and sian-ness throughout the planning stage, i probably would have dismissed this idea and perhaps totally not knowing what i missed out. for everything else, i think you know what i wanna tell you le. 3 words.

pq: i truly truly never expect your hou4 li3 seriously and honestly. i also didn't suspect your disappearing act when the rest were at my place during the pre-party preparation... i really thought it was school work. i am really touched lah. for your present, your time, your effort, your sweat and your hou4 ai4. for knowing me, for knowing how important a home and family is to me - i also want you to know that friends like you are equally irreplaceble in my definition of happiness in my future.

sj: i truly truly love your violin playing and the whole effect y0u and PQ arranged for me during the cutting of my cake, it is truly amazing. your card is ultra pretty and super you3 xin1 and side track a bit, i just dun get how my violin ends up at chevrons when i never see you with it since we met... and i also love the fact that you jumped into the pool willingly knowing that you didn't came with any clothes. you rocked hard.

teobei: haha. love to see you arrive earliest at my place and start saikang-ing. love the egg you cut for my bee hoon seriously. they seem to add another taste to things... a taste called effort and warmth. love the music ambience your forty bucks speakers created. your mp3 songs. your daring first venture to tell me the cake smells a bit funny and then you know the rest. love to see you running around technically and practically the most during the party. love you for letting me push you into the pool with me too :P

the rest of my nanhua jie3 meiz4... friendship is a sweet journey
really thanks for coming... and when pushing me into the pool, you guys really reminded me of the fun and crazy secondary school days we had together... those days i truly enjoyed every single one of them. heard some requests here and there to ask me to remain childish and then some telling me to be more mature... haiz. so mafan and confusing. but since you guys know me so long le, prob can guess that i'll remain like this for many many years down the road ba... too bad if you find this irritating :P this year's trend from you guys seem to hint that i am sweet (thanks) but i think you guys are truly the sugars responsible for the sweet tastes and days of my life. love you guys. stay sweet and... friendship with you guys is indeed a sweet journey.

once a saintz... WHY - my favourite jue2 dui4 superband of the year and many more to come!
WHY band ROCKS! you guys know who i am talking about. i want your autographs!!! haha. you
guys damn well unexpectedly stunningly surprised me lah. so quiet quiet then did such a big project for me... seriously you all ah... the MTV and production video simply left me speechless (i almost died laughing on my bed) and wt: your mom very ke3 ai4. her erm special appearance is not arranged right? the songs rocked. if you guys become famous and cut album nxt time dun forget me hor. wt: help me thank your sis too!!! i think you all really very very cool lah, the whole idea and how much time and effort you all spend on the whole thing. i really love everything about it. this is the most most unique one and only and special album i ever had. it is simply priceless and i will definitely zhen1 xi1 it. love you all!!!

estab since 1998/mk & pxh: i'm still waiting lor.... haiz!!! but heard from my mom the preview to my present from you 2 looks promising?... hmmm. haha. mk: thanks for sai-kanging as my professional photographer!!! pxh... why you come so late and miss my speech huh? hahz. but glad you stayed till 4am playing mahjong :P hope you guys had fun!

there are simply too much to be mentioned...
to all my friends whom i don't always get to meet up or those i just knew last year, i am truly grateful for all your presence at my party and all the presents you guys got.

my 2 meiz: thanks for staying till so late though got attachment the next day and you 2 are really like 2 small angels to me :)

my wanna-tiao4-hai3 bridge partner/makan khaki
: mindy!!! fellow twenty-one-ian! thanks for coming and your prez!!! (though no crab for you to peel during my party) wahaha!

csa (2nd family):

iggy... i heard you smashed me cake too?? you be careful the next time we meet ok!!! oh, and nick: sorry for erm you sitting around and not doing anything and kena-ing a piece of cake i presumed was meant for me. haha. thanks all of you guys for adding so much noise and fun to my party. though we know each other less than a year, glad you guys came and yup. hope all of you had fun :p

oiz...fellow freshiez (haiz... cun use this term in another few more months...)
heyz. sorries din get to talk to you guys much. err... hope my crazy friends didn't stun you guys too much. hee.
: cecelia/cecila/cecilia??? thanks for the card and erm - at least you got my name spelled correctly there. haha... i assume nxt yr you will eventually get my name right right? but i really really appreciate it oki? haha. :D luv ya loads too (i'm not les either):P !!! luv ya really.
tiff/roomie/groupie: i thank god for you too. the rest i guess you'd know since we think so similarly. :P
pretty isis: i'll try not to stress myself... haha :D luv ya too sis! so glad you are back in foc subcom :P stay perpeptually high.
anne: hehe... i really enjoyed talking to you that nite too... so must talk more in future ok? i think talking more really brings people closer somehow... coming foc i think got a lot of chance :P
josh/dean/jon: really thanks for coming and all ur prez and cards!!! hee. jon help me thank your friend andy again ok? thx!

see you guys soon... lisc / any subcom meetings anyway we are in most of them anyways :)

bs peeps
: thanks so much for the effort to hand make stuff despite busy tuts, lects and lab reports. i can foresee you guys' alternative career paths - bakery and accessory shops owners-to-be/made-to-order cards for all occasion avail.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

never ever felt happier yesterday at my 21st birthday celeb. truly truly amazing. all my loved ones really made me feel so special and loved. sometimes words can describe a lot but not tell much. my nan hua si3 dang3 really did their wonders one more time... never fail to surprise me time and again and give me the warmth that really fills my heart completely. they are like family hosting and saikang-ing whole day and night for me. i never knew things would be so amazing, wonderful and beyond my wildest imagination. just wanna say i really really really love all of you!!!!!!!!! hehe... despite all the cake smashing, sauce splashing and dunking me into the swimming pool (but i got all of them in eventually... so.... hehe) love every single moment yesterday!!!

love the way meow (log head aka head of saikang for yaya's bdae committee) stood beside me, never failing to give me encouragement and cheer me up admist all the busy prep. love the way teobei cuts the fried egg for my beehoon. love her for her music supply. love the way sj played the violin for me from lvl 2 as pq draws open the curtain and show me the most most beautiful dream house (i've ever ever seen) she did for me. love the fact that all of them did so much handmade stuff despite err time constraints. love all the effort and hard sweat presents everyone did for me. love everyone. love god for all good things come from him. love every single blessings in my life. its a lovely day (and night). a super pleasant surprise.

Friday, February 22, 2008

hmm hmm. i guess recently we are all just tired bah... had a long long nite out with meow last nite... impromptu and random again... i guess this week hasn't exactly been going too well for us both... but somehow the time we spend together never fail to lift up our spirits at the end of the day. really really like this feeling... the feeling of knowing someone actually knows me so well and me knowing the person equally well, this feeling is simply rare and must be cherished at all costs.

i guess its called warmth. really thank god for my this best friend. he seems to have somehow arranged in a way such that there'll always be an angel whom i can turn to whenever i need one... gen used to stay just a few blocks away before she went aust and then meow had to shift down from changi to pgp to be so near me... its like there'll always be someone close to me within reach and i really love and appreciate this feeling.

there's no point in asking liars anything because you simply can't tell the truth and false apart, and it'll tireth you. you may, however, look into their eyes and, feel sad for you realised, perhaps they had lost the courage or strength to reveal themselves. perhaps hurt, perhaps protection. perhaps time. and you wonder if you should feel happy for them for having this ability in the world today. but this is one skill that i'll never wish i learn.

the eyes, the soul and heart of us... its sad when you either look into eyes that are shut from the inside or those that stopped shining altogether.

its always the happy people that people like to hang around with. maybe its because people already have enough burdens to themselves. never liked clowns since young... somehow just gives me the feeling of surface happiness, trying to cheer up everyone when they may actually feel so sad and tired inside. smile when its not genuinely from the heart is pointless and devalued, yet so often used. you can really laugh off a friend's jokes and mean it but yet you don't exactly feel like laughing at all. i guess that's why its called humor. is each of us a clown or its just us having a clown in us deep down?

our mind is simply amazing and wondrous. i love my mind's ability to create through drawing and writing but it seems to come with the package of over-thinking and the inability to stop even though it knows its supposed to. nevertheless, a controlled mind can never create... and i accept this.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

the human mind and heart seem to have the tendency and capability of constantly finding things to keep themselves occupied somehow. the kaleidoscope is special because what we see from the outside is so different from what we see from inside it. do you see it as a world on its own, beautiful and wondrous or simply, a fantasy that does not exist and never will?

i guess we all need

. some time to ourselves . away from the crowd . some space by ourselves .

to clear certain clouds in our heads. never knew one can have the ability to conceal thoughts and true emotions so well and switch so fast. innate ability? part of human nature? or we simply learned? i like the rain but where is the sun?

how well do you truly know yourself? wait or move on? used to think one can wait indefinitely for some things. used to think once decided, things will always stay the same until faced with the possibilities that new things brought along. unexpected.

in the rain he stood. by the door she waited. tired, she walked away. sadly, he turned around. he wanted to shout but did not. she wanted to hear but could not. all it needed was the courage to take the step. but no one did. one by one, the petals fell. the steps were wet but not by the rain. the door which stood between them still did. she wanted a shoulder to lean on. he needed a hug. one refused to knock, the other to open. the direction will always differ, won't it? the pace will never coincide, will it? both will never know, will they?

maybe the time. maybe the rain. maybe it was never meant to be. if its anything, its now. then again it may have been nothing.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

just sent gen off last night... though its only for 8 months, though internet/tech is advance, though there's skype, though we may not even meet up for more than 10 times during the 8 months if she were still here in s'pore, though we both know she'll be back, though logically and rationally i know and understand a lot of other stuff, somehow just can't hold back the tears. wonder why. must be that stupid large "departure" sign and the glass panels at the gates of t3. must be the hug that never fail to start wetting dunno how many ppl's eyes. must be the "pls take care of yourself when i'm unable to see you or be there straight away within a call or sms". must be i'm too used to being just a few blocks away from her for the past 12 yrs. must be the 12 years of friendship. must be the fact that she is my best friend. must be because she won't be here when i turn 21. must be because we both just cry very easily. must be my weakness for not being able to take departure in my stride. not surprising. it has always been so. dear lord pls pls watch over this best friend of mine and keep her safe. amen. miss her so much when its only been a nite. just wet my cheeks one more time. wonder why.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

sometimes life is just so plain funny and interesting because of the unexpected stuff it throws at you. sets you thinking constantly basically. but i'm quite glad i managed to clear some jumbled thoughts from my already-quite-filled mind. lol. feels much more relaxed and happy now. yeah~ haha :P oh... its time to bring in the new year mood!!! yipee!!!

nevertheless, timing is still very important i realised... like a lot of things can really be changed before or after some thing(s) happen. wahaha. oki. and yeah, its really time to put down and let go of some stuff so i'll be happier. yep that's all for now. have a happy chinese new year everyone!!! woo-hoo!