"i'll like a drop of rainwater refracting light...
and a dash of illumination across the endless dark too."

Thursday, December 27, 2007

sometimes fate, timing and chance are really really crucial to people-people relationship in general and yup friendship too. you can spend lots and lots of time with someone without understanding him/her. you can also spend very little time and know someone a lot. it all depends on how much and how long it takes for both the person and you yourself to open up i guess? it also depends on a lot on how trusting both sides can be? if both sides are the kinds that will trust only if the other side trust him/her first then it will be a long long wait.

for me, the best way to understand anyone is through asking about the feelings and thoughts on certain things that has happened, is happening or will happen. rather than taking it personal. its a fine thin line and i don't deny that taking some things personal might be a much faster method just that it just doesn't feel right for me to just say things that might cause some bad feelings if the person involved hears about it. somehow talking about experience and events in general seems more ethical? lol. dunno lah.

perhaps i was never too good with words so i like playing games and cracking lame jokes more? as in there is clear winning and losing and no one gets hurt in person in any way and everyone will have fun... so why not? when you play somehow you don't have to guard against anyone psychologically too... so its relaxing in general?

but then again, i realised that a lot of people especially nowadays like to test the amount of trust and closeness of each other through talking about a third person in general. its like if you happen to be able to talk about another person with your friend, it shows that you are somewhat closer to him/her than the person whom the two of you are talking about? it seems quite harmless as long as the person being the topic doesn't hear anything about it... but i just can't put my finger to where it seems wrong to me?? but its really quite tiring to know where to draw the line to give your opinions on anyone in particular. trying hard not to hurt yet maintain a amiable relationship with friends who bring up the topic... not easy... at all.

opening up somehow also depends on which position and place you are to each other... once the position is clear, lotsa stuff are so much easier? i realised most of us are actually really not bad at hiding our silent observations and thoughts about others. that's one thing. a lot of us can really be good silent observers and impress at the right time when the occasion calls for it. that's another. dunno whether that's a good thing or not?

wonder if you ever had friends who like you a lot and can play with and have so much fun with and somehow you like them but you just know deep down you are different? and there's another group where you know that you simply are the same deep down and yet find it so hard to open to each other and get close to? maybe because of some ideologies shared that are simply far too similar. how contradicting? but maybe its just timing and fate. having a common beginning helps much. really.

Friday, December 21, 2007

the road to the journey seems to be never-ending before it even begun. can you see where this leads to? do you even know where will we all go? and where will we end up? but if we don't begin, we'll never know? does this even matter?

the wait seems long though i know some things need some time. i hope i will not be tired of waiting one day. the guesses we make seem tough though i know it may just be me thinking too much. the thoughts running through seems too heavy though i know i can't just stop... even if i wanted to.

maybe we are just afraid of spoiling the present. maybe we are perfectionists after fairytales. maybe we just don't know whether we are right. maybe we are all just waiting for the right time. maybe the time will never come even if we continue to wait. maybe we lacked the courage to take the neccessary ventures. maybe we just don't like to risk to hurt ourselves. maybe its just me. maybe, maybe, there are just too many maybes.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

recently a friend told me that a person's heart can be very big. hmmm.... maybe? but i personally don't quite think its possible to love 2 persons at the same time? at least i don't think i can do this? there should only be enough room for one? like if there is someone you already like but then another very nice person like you too what would you do? it probably depends on the whether you are someone who needs to be loved more... an idealist or not.

then i recalled i had quite a long argument with this friend of mine who insisted the duke of mountdeer wei xiao bao loves all his 7 wives and it is possible. but i seriously find he is not loving them... if there's really someone in his heart that is so important how can he love another or like a few more others? dunno leh... feels a bit wierd. haiz. but then again if you think of it as like a person moving on after failed relationships, it seems very possible to in fact love more than one person in your life... is it possible that you really may not be the right one for the one you think is right for you?

but my friend also said that sometimes the person you end up with may not be the one you love the most.... ??? so complicated... like i understand when she said friendship is forever and relationship is not but??? how can you be with the person whom you know that you might not like the most? like not very fair??? dunno. maybe i am too idealistic and not practical le... maybe i haven't met with such a problem yet... but to me for now, my ideal relationship is still one where both sides love each other equally much... hmmm hmmm.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

at times seriously feel like i am enjoying my busy life but then its also kind of feel so "living for others" like that leh... dunno why. like as in i am still pretty much being myself around others but i don't have enough time to myself... you know like doing some things e.g. painting or arranging photos or doing handicrafts for my friends myself... like that whole me-time thing is gone... argh. feel so !@#$%^ cos i dunno who to blame. so the feeling is super irritating... argh!!!! i have to resort to writing diary in between hectic schedule which is like....... !@#$ argh again!!!