"i'll like a drop of rainwater refracting light...
and a dash of illumination across the endless dark too."

Sunday, April 29, 2012

swimming away,
never looking back.

set in stone,
i'm fighting till the end.

i ain't giving in,
cos this is deep enough.

its a want, not a need.
the want to stop wanting -

you. in my life.

you, the mighty and outstanding you.
the one who held the unseen strings to my heart, without you even knowing.

you, the one who's too dangerous for me.

you, the one who got away.

so you, may continue to remain where you stand.
i am strong enough to turn and walk away.

all too gracefully, the episodes play on,
in my cluttered mind.

and the little story goes on
in my simple life.

without you in it.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

this quote pretty much just summed up everything.

"meeting you was fate,
becoming your friend was a choice,
but falling in love with you, i had no control over."

little fish, little fish.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

true love and fish's little philosphical mind.

limerence, infatuation, passion and true love -
the former three a prerequisite to the latter,
whilst not necessarily leading to it.

so one wonders, just how would one know?
hence the answer, only time would tell.
then one asks, when?
when the time line for the two involved crosses at some point in time,
by chance, by fate, by events, by time,
causing one to take the first step, before the other one moves on.

yet, in the case of real, predestined true love (assuming it exists in the first place of course),
would one simply go on waiting forever once one met the one for him or her?
if there is only one 'only one', who must be the right one,
then can there be more than one potential 'right ones'?

is there only the right and only one?
perhaps fish would never know.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

the third perspective, the one fish holds.
the other world, the one fish lives and swims in.
and only that few will ever reach her…

why fish are prone to injury and getting hurt simply by being themselves.

1. they exist emotionally rather than rationally, instinctively more than intellectually. (what a self-destructive trait to begin with.)

2. being the sign of altruism and compassion, they are ultra-sensitive to the needs of other people and are sincerely more concerned with the problems of others rather than their own. in fact, when they see someone suffering, they identify with it so closely, it feels as if it is happening to them, making it impossible for them to say no to anyone in trouble. never egotistical in their personal relationships and give more than they ask for from their friends. extremely accepting and forgiving, they are often being taken advantage of. few signs would be as willing to forgo personal pleasure on behalf of another. yet all this giving can wear out a pisces over time and sometimes they simply don't know how to stop giving. (yes. sadly, yes. why? how come? how to stop giving? how? when you keep feeling for the others, who would never feel the same way for you when you need them to understand. why?)

3. they are popular with all kinds of people, partly because of their easy going and affectionate nature which offer no threat or challenge to the stronger or more outgoing types. accepting of the people around them and the circumstances in which they find themselves in rather than trying to change others. (why does it sound as if i’m simply paving a red carpet on myself and inviting people to step on and all over me? how not to want to hide under a banana leaf and get away from it all? haix.)

4. they do not like to be confined; especially when feeling vulnerable, therefore one of the best healing tonics for them generally is just being alone and escaping the day-to-day stress grind. (YES!!! YES!! by the sea. by the waters, by herself. ALONE!!! YES, ALONE!!! now you see why. just her and her alone, or with people who really, can see from her eyes, understand her, and support her, and not anyone or any random friend, really!)

5. they can be easily discouraged, feel despondent and unappreciated, causing them to move on to something or someone else, and always searching for that safe harbor they can call home. (yes. safe, calm and peaceful waters where fish feels protected… fish would not ask for anything more.)

6. they have trouble staying grounded in the material, physical reality because their minds are usually in the clouds. many of them are definitely escapists, but it is their secret weapon in this harsh world - they need to create their own reality when life gets too hard to take on, by losing themselves in a good book or movie. (yes, the only way out is simply deluding ourselves with the existence of another ideal world, somewhere where only we know the way to.)

7. when under stress, all they want to do is hide, hoping reality will disappear or magically mend itself. the last thing they need - major obligations and responsibilities to others. (cannot be more apt, and cannot get more true. but people simply won't get this on their own and fish simply cannot bring herself to tell them. see how crappy this thing can get for this fish over here.)

8. having two fish swimming in opposite directions - one upstream to the divine and the other downstream towards the material and physical, but bound together by a cord - the dilemma, one of the stormy seas for pisces, who are all too aware of both directions but are slightly more comfortable in the spiritual/creative realm than in the physical one. each time a decision comes up, all twelve avenues of expression must be considered for the pisces, which can be a very, overwhelming dilemma indeed. (preceisely. just exactly how should one decide if she can see the big picture and the stories from all the different sides?)

9. being a deeply philosophical sign, money does not motivate them as much as self-expression and creativity does. almost always have large and beautiful eyes which mirror their feelings openly. their doorway to the soul - who better to have eyes so deep and wide that looking into them makes one feels as if one could be be hypnotized by them? (hmm. yes to mirror-ing feelings openly, no to the mystical hypnotizing powers leh.)

10. they are incurable romantics period. in the right relationship, this can be a fairy tale union and in a wrong one, a nightmare because they can’t let go immediately. unfortunately easily misled by the fantasy of romantic love and then later become disappointed by the reality of an everyday, unromantic relationship. yet intensely loyal and home-loving and will remain faithful. emotionally, pisces like to hold and comfort others and to be a container for others as much as they are looking to merge and be contained by their soul mate. they believe in soul mate, and will never give up their search... (seriously, what are the odds? see, again this is going to be pain, pain and more pain.)

11. they are capable of loving and accepting totally and unconditionally, until others prove them wrong, and even that won’t convince them right away. “i believe.”. if ever there was a sign to dream the impossible dream, it's pisces! show the other signs how it's done! (haha. yes. can simply be done in another world, or with some difficulty in this world… if we somehow manage to survive with the load of things on our plates.)

Monday, April 16, 2012

the unconventionality of mixed signals.
yet fish's made the choice to trust her intuition.
hence with every moment of nothing happening,
her heart stills and drifts further away.

soon, it shall cease to matter.

for indeed nothing but time, is everything.
once the spark of the moment is gone, it is simply, gone.
as much as she enjoys undertaking long, meaningful journeys,
the wait before the beginning wears her spirits down.

hence, her sojourn,
the need to catch her before she slips away.
yet slowly but surely, she is gaining her rein back.
this much she can feel for now.

the very moment she sets her heart and mind on swimming away from it all,
this quiet and calm strength she's gained,
from the promise of never looking back -
she liked that,
the sense of simplicity and freedom.

soon, return it shall.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

possibility... by tiffany alvord
comments... by me.

i look at you, you look at me (but you probably look at everyone anyways.)
i look away, so you can't see
i'm dreamin of you
and you don't even know, you don't even know (i think)

that i'm fallin madly in love ('falling madly for' maybe, 'love' still a bit too intensed lah huh.)
with you, with you
and i wish that you were going
crazy for me too (which i highly doubt so.)

and i sit alone in the darkest night
my heart is pounding and i wonder why (i know why, i just don't know how it all began.)
why am i invisible, why can't you see (ok i am not invisible and you are not physically blind, so of course you'll see... just in a different way.)
i am in love with you (too intense lah, i don't even know anything about you apart from you being unreadable and a pro hider.)
are you in love with me? (don't think so.)

you show some signs, but i'm not sure (i don't even think you meant them as signs...)
it's a secret love, and you're the cure (cure. hmm. but there's also the possibility of falling even more ill...)
i just need to know
what you think about me, about me (more like a want to know. but not gonna happen.)

don't you think that maybe you and me
could be a possibility (well, if the term 'miracle' exists, there must be some possibility. then again the word 'impossibility' exists too. hmm...)
i just wish that baby you could see, you could see (actually don't exactly know what's there to see basically. haha)

need some air,
need to fight this moonlight.
don't want to lose,
don't want to fall in.
trying hard to steer clear.
don't want to be at your mercy.

its not supposed to be like this.
like how you manage to make me feel.
like how you creep into my mind,
and appear in my thoughts so silently and randomly.
like how you brighten up my world just by being near.

but just how can i dim those lights?
if i close my eyes and turn away,
my mind wanders back.
and each time we cross each others' paths,
i'll have to do this all over again.

its tiring trying to breakaway,
its tiring staying stuck.
its a losing game of squash either way.
so how on earth did i enrol myself in this mess in the first place?

need to swim away.
need to swim away from you.
from this desirable,irresistable and distant you.
this you whom i simply can never reach.

because 'unreachability' is detrimental for a fish,
who seeks peaceful, calm and safe waters,
who seeks simple happiness,
who seeks the one who would feel the same way for her.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

medley medley

and in another life I would be your girl
we keep all our promises, be us against the world
and in another life I would make you stay
so I don't have to say you were the one that got away
the one that got away...

tell me what you want to hear
something that will light those ears
i'm sick of all the insincere

this time,
don't need another perfect lie
don't care if critics ever jump in line

i'm gonna give all my secrets away...

if you want to hear.
while she may be intrigued by mysteries and secrets,
while they may capture her attention and thoughts a moment longer,
only genuine openess, trust and understanding from you are capable of holding her for life.

see past her easily excitable self, to find her deep desire for sharing your thoughts, your world, your life.
stand by her well of overwhelming emotions ~ pour your heart out to her.
and then be ready to see her depth prepared for the soul she's been waiting the whole eternity for.

resolved to keeping the promise to herself silently,
she marched on with much firmity.
the waters calmed,
as long as he's not anywhere near her,

things were unbelievably simpler and easier,
when he's not anywhere near her.

and, it just might help a little more,
if he would stop calling her names whenever he sees her,
if he would tease her less,
if he would look less deep into her eyes during each brief chat they shared.

but, as long as she remembers to remind herself that,
he will always be shrouded in mystery,
remains unreachable,
and that his heart lies elsewhere,
things would be fine, and the waters, calm.

for she is an ardent believer of the philosophistic idea that,
in order for two hearts to truly bond,
both parties would have to take the same number of steps towards each other,
at the same time, under all circumstances.
not one more than the other, not in opposing directions.

and while she acknowledges her lack of patience for those
who tries too hard to keep their guarding wall high,
horoscope trait or not.
she'd have knocked once or twice, gently, before walking away.

she refuses to wait outside - she's never enjoyed playing the role of an unwelcomed intruder.

on another note - one that you'd probably never stumble upon,
you should learn to trust her,
and reveal yourself to her -
if you truly are waiting for or trying to find that somebody in your song.

you have to help the one who now holds your heart be that somebody whom you seek,
for that somebody is never ready-made.

and for this, you'll have to pass her the key to your heart - there is no other way.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

one day.

one day i will,

one day i shall.

till then, i'll wait.

one day, far far away,

i shall find you.

you will see.

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