"i'll like a drop of rainwater refracting light...
and a dash of illumination across the endless dark too."

Thursday, February 25, 2010

because reality is a matter of perception and when you look in the middle you find no one there except yourself. because in a game of squash, there are no losers... yet neither are there any winners.
you are simply playing against yourself, along with everyone else.
because when you look too deep and think too much, it makes it hard for others to follow.
because there is only one us in the world, so we'll always be alone.

because fish is in an autistic mode.
because fish needs and wants space to herself.

where can she go to have the whole seaside, sky and stars to herself just for that little moment? just for that little while? where?

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

inmacor's photos on flicker never fail to bring this fish into a realm poised between dream and reality.

sieving out that single leeway her only fairytale left her, she fumbled for the dream slit in the midst of her most mundane hours...
 风中的她与海平线上的永恒, 有些累了的她依然在风中... ...
the sole reason for her existence, the eternity beyond the horizon.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

 gong xin ji.... fish simply cannot find a reason to not fall for the emperor lee yi (portrayed by chen hao). he is far too nice a character le lah. ahhh... so nice until fish is slightly angry at the scriptwriter for giving her such a nice big bubble, only to be poked when she finished the show. argh. why on earth did they include the gao xian yang character? see lah, now liu san hao cannot be with the emperor lee yi. argh! how very irritating *angry. fine, but its just a show and such a nice and wonderful person does not exist on earth. ok, so tvb-addict fish should wake up. wake up! nonetheless, chen hao still rocks!!! wahaha.
side point, but realised this weird fish here appears to have a soft spot for most of the actors who are not that young, (oppz!) but who are all very charismatic, and at the same time manage to give a her feeling of 'depth'. in addition, she also cannot help but fall for those characters who really loved another character so much more than they love themselves, to the point that unrequitted love does not matter as long as the other party found his/her happiness. perhaps this scene is far too unrealistic in real life, so a piscean has to feed on this realm in shows. haix... hopelessly idealistic tvb-addict fish...

in fact, a review of her three favourite actors... the first two actors had attracted her by the characters they portrayed... both of whom were really really really very nice people in the show. there's gallen loh from tian di hao qing and chuang shi ji, and also lin feng from zai sheng yuan. and finally, her most favourite actor at the moment ~ chen hao!!! ... this one was somewhat most special to her because she had first liked him for his role in luo shen, as a really really nasty character. though his role as jingkeng in feng wu xiang luo simply swept this tvb-addict fish away, his role in gong xin ji simply made fish want to marry this suave emperor lee yi... as in the character in the show. chen hao's eyes are simply mesmerising in gong xin ji plus he really exudes the air of kingship... most importantly, the way he loved liu san hao is simply.... haix! speechless.

those scriptwriters, really enjoy taking things to the max. the evil ones are so evil (and smart) you have no choice but to applaud their schemes while the nice people are simply nice until its beyond your comprehension, such that i, the audience feels a bit extreme-fied by gong xin ji. but i was really really sad at the end of the show leh, (even though it seems like at least liu san hao and gao xian yang can be together, and its good)... but lee yi is the only nice person who did not find his happiness eh! ...all those whom he loved or love him either died or left him. while he stood by the walls of the palace watching san hao leave, i was hoping all the time for her to turn back and return to his side lah! all the way until she found someone who resembled xian yang in her hometown, my heart simply went out to emperor lee yi... despite being such a nice emperor, why is he still alone and by himself at the end of the day? when all he ever did was simply for the common good of his people, where is the happiness that he deserved? *argh.. irritating scriptwriters... why so unfair to him. haix. i like him eh. not fair. :(

oh, forgot to mention about my favourite actresses in tvb... i think there's only 2 so far whom i like... the first one was kenix kwok ke ying from chuang shi ji.... i guess i liked her mainly for her character, while the second one whom i really really liked was yeung yi!!! (tavia yeung). i remembered noticing her as a second degree actress in her earlier shows, but had liked her since then.... she's someone whom i thought really has the potential for both evil and nice roles. now that she's become a first degree actress, i am so happy for her!!! hehe. :D

Sunday, February 7, 2010

intrinsic and extrinsic.

half the time extrinsic people do a whole range of different things to make themselves feel good. and the other half of the time, they spent it on telling themselves they are not affected by others, when actually they do. to have any expression of anger, hatred, the like for darkness and firmly believing in self interest is in itself a form of expression of disappointment in the world. to not care means to feel nothing, inclusive of the want of self-parody. not changing oneself in accordance with others' oppinions or wishes does not mean that one is not affected by them.

to fish, there is really nothing cool about being in the 'dark' side because that route is so straightforward that everyone can take. self-centeredness is inborn, there is no need for any extra work, no struggle within yourself. in fact, one simply has to try to ignore everyone and everything else around him or her, and that's about it, for the dark side cares solely and only for oneself; one own's feelings, one own's thoughts, one own's perception and one own's interest period. anything else is irrelevant. this is not difficult at all, and therefore, what's so cool about that? fish doesn't get it.

and therefore she has never really been able to identify or relate to anyone or anything associated with goth culture or any popular culture or any branded fashion for any matter. in her eyes and heart, in terms of 'coolness' a gothic or branded outfit is nowhere near that of mother teresa's, one which was adorned with love and one that represented the triumph over selfishness. the former two represented nothing, nothing except the momentarily feeling of pride from the praise of the general public. one only need to pay for it with cash. after some time the same outfit or accessories can simply be chucked aside to make way for newer and prettier looking fashionable outfits.

materialism consumes a person from the outside, while the want for others' recognition eats one from the inside. happiness is a choice, so is sparing a thought for others. only you can make a choice to be who you want to be and decide for yourself if the kind of happiness you seek is one that is meaningful or one that is of emptiness. this choice may affect others because of certain things you choose to do, but at the end of the day, you are the one who's most affected by your own decisions. a lecturer once quoted that an adult is the corpse of a dead child. fish would rather swim against the currents than to be swept off by them; she will keep trying, no matter how hard it takes to retain that child in her, she will fight to keep what is intrinsically priceless. may she stand the test of time.

when one chooses to give one's life for the love of others, that spirit is what endures the test of time. when our lord gave his life for the world 2000 years ago, his name was never forgotten till this very day. it would have been easy for him to come down from the cross when he was crucified and so much harder for him to remain there.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

this day a little blue fish swam in the slightly blue waters.
yet neither the fish nor the waters knew why they were both blue.
little blue fish swam for a long while till she came across a purple package.
for that brief moment, she was seen to give a slight, warm, yellowish glow,
one which she had forgotten how long ago was her last's.