intrinsic and extrinsic.
half the time extrinsic people do a whole range of different things to make themselves feel good. and the other half of the time, they spent it on telling themselves they are not affected by others, when actually they do. to have any expression of anger, hatred, the like for darkness and firmly believing in self interest is in itself a form of expression of disappointment in the world. to not care means to feel nothing, inclusive of the want of self-parody. not changing oneself in accordance with others' oppinions or wishes does not mean that one is not affected by them.
to fish, there is really nothing cool about being in the 'dark' side because that route is so straightforward that everyone can take. self-centeredness is inborn, there is no need for any extra work, no struggle within yourself. in fact, one simply has to try to ignore everyone and everything else around him or her, and that's about it, for the dark side cares solely and only for oneself; one own's feelings, one own's thoughts, one own's perception and one own's interest period. anything else is irrelevant. this is not difficult at all, and therefore, what's so cool about that? fish doesn't get it.
and therefore she has never really been able to identify or relate to anyone or anything associated with goth culture or any popular culture or any branded fashion for any matter. in her eyes and heart, in terms of 'coolness' a gothic or branded outfit is nowhere near that of mother teresa's, one which was adorned with love and one that represented the triumph over selfishness. the former two represented nothing, nothing except the momentarily feeling of pride from the praise of the general public. one only need to pay for it with cash. after some time the same outfit or accessories can simply be chucked aside to make way for newer and prettier looking fashionable outfits.
materialism consumes a person from the outside, while the want for others' recognition eats one from the inside. happiness is a choice, so is sparing a thought for others. only you can make a choice to be who you want to be and decide for yourself if the kind of happiness you seek is one that is meaningful or one that is of emptiness. this choice may affect others because of certain things you choose to do, but at the end of the day, you are the one who's most affected by your own decisions. a lecturer once quoted that an adult is the corpse of a dead child. fish would rather swim against the currents than to be swept off by them; she will keep trying, no matter how hard it takes to retain that child in her, she will fight to keep what is intrinsically priceless. may she stand the test of time.
when one chooses to give one's life for the love of others, that spirit is what endures the test of time. when our lord gave his life for the world 2000 years ago, his name was never forgotten till this very day. it would have been easy for him to come down from the cross when he was crucified and so much harder for him to remain there.
