a surreal kind of feeling. something which you thought had certain returns came back with loads of bonus is such a great feeling! its so intense and momentarily blinding - i never knew making your loved ones happy could be such great a job to do! especially when its more than one of your loved ones turning to you with smiling faces!

its like as if everything you've done was more than worthwhile - the 1st step is always the toughest and the most important ingredient to success is the support you can find.

've been wondering how do you know if you really like someone or you just miss them because you are used to them being around you? is there a benchmark? hee :D just like how do you differentiate between admiration and liking? hmmz... wonders. can it be really be based on the rate at which your heart beats? how do you know which first time it is? let time tell what is to come.

wikipedia post:
A star is a massive, luminous ball of plasma. Stars group together to form galaxies, and they dominate the visible universe. The nearest star to Earth is the Sun, which is the source of most of the energy on Earth, including daylight. Other stars are visible in the night sky, when they are not outshone by the Sun. A star shines because nuclear fusion in its core releases energy which traverses the star's interior and then radiates into outer space. Almost all elements heavier than hydrogen and helium were created inside the cores of stars.

Astronomers can determine the mass, age, chemical composition and many other properties of a star by observing its spectrum, luminosity and motion through space. The total mass of a star is the principal determinant in its evolution and eventual fate. Other characteristics of a star that are determined by its evolutionary history include the diameter, rotation, movement and temperature. A plot of the temperature of many stars against their luminosities, known as a Hertzsprung-Russell diagram (H-R diagram), allows the current age and evolutionary state of a particular star to be determined.

A star begins as a collapsing cloud of material that is composed primarily of hydrogen along with some helium and heavier trace elements. Once the stellar core is sufficiently dense, some of the hydrogen is steadily converted into helium through the process of nuclear fusion. The remainder of the star's interior carries energy away from the core through a combination of radiative and convective processes. These processes keep the star from collapsing upon itself and the energy generates a stellar wind at the surface and radiation into outer space.

Once the hydrogen fuel at the core is exhausted, a star of at least 0.4 times the mass of the Sun expands to become a red giant, fusing heavier elements at the core, or in shells around the core. It then evolves into a degenerate form, recycling a portion of the matter into the interstellar environment where it will form a new generation of stars with a higher proportion of heavy elements.

Binary and multi-star systems consist of two or more stars that are gravitationally bound, and generally move around each other in stable orbits. When two such stars have a relatively close orbit, their gravitational interaction can have a significant impact on their evolution.

my post:
when you like something, you will tend to find out as much infomation as you can on it... but then again too much facts and information seem to diminishes the creative and imaginative spaces for your own mind to roam about when you don't know anything about it at first? stars?! aren't beautiful things supposed to remain beautiful no matter from which angle you look at it - science or non-factual?

the moon can see me!

can someone from outerspace shoot a star when i look into the dark sky next time? thanks.

happened to read "born on a blue day"... when he was young, he seems so pefectly fine to be without any friends at all. but actually why does it feels wierd if we were to imagine ourselves to be "friendless"? stigma or impression formed since young?

hmmm... actually what are some reasons why friends are important? because they are a source of support? because they just happen to be there when you want someone to spend time with? because they listen to you when you want someone to talk to? because you don't want to be alone?

ever wonder how strong friendship can be when weighed with self interests? what are the boundaries you can push in any friendship? especially today?

low maintenance friendships tend to be able to last longer probably since meeting up once in a while gives you more time to miss each other more and have more topics to talk about as compared to meeting up too often? or because its a kind of friendship where you know you are emotional-burden-free from the daily hassles and problems your friends might face?

how do you judge if a friendship is strong? does the no. of getting-togethers and time spent together matter? or by relativity - as compared to your other friends? does it affect the amount of trust you have for each other?

you probably can have friends you feel comfortable to hang out with all the time and even know their lifestyles and home as well as your own but when it comes to finding someone to share your real burdens with - how often will you talk to them? maybe they don't give you the confidence to cos you know them too long such that you know they are not the kind whom like you to share your problems with them?

if the amount of trust is by relativity - if your friend trusts you more than any of her friends and you know it - but not as much as you trust her - will this affect the friendship? how many friends are you confident will come to your rescue if an emergency crops up at the expense of maybe her life? if you at least have one, then you are probably one of the lucky few.

friendship, most of the time comes second in priority to our family and perhaps love - you probably think yout family is for life so is your future other-halve. once again, if you have at least one friends whom you can imagine keeping in contact and growing old with together till the day maybe when your children are big then once again, you are probably one of the lucky few.

but of course you can't imagine your life without all of your friends either - to talk, to play, to slack, to plan, to lame, to eat, to sing, to bicker, to think of.

I waited 'til I saw the sun
I don't know why I didn't come
I left you by the house of fun
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand

Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road along

Something has to make you run
I don't know why I didn't come
I feel as empty as a drum
I don't know why I didn't come

I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

everyone needs to find their own terabithia... really love this bittersweet story and movie... the characters and their world of adventure... a must watch! but its kind of sad afterall that very few have the courage like them to venture into terabithia, especially here. you'll probably be bringing in many appalled faces if you should find your own terabithia... just like how so many kids were taught that fairytales never exist. can't kids just have a go at their imaginative and creative minds? the reality will eventually sink in when they grow up, so why not just let them live in a fun and relaxed happily-ever-after?

its intriguing how we react so differently to people around us, how we carry ourselves and all - why we come up with different decisions on the same matter at different times. why we have so many sides of ourselves? do all the sides add up to the one “me”? or are we just a mixture of others’ shadows – of all who are around us? like putting on who we think best at the moment in time and act through with it? are we just tired of being ourselves all the time so that its time to change at every chance we have? or maybe there isn’t a “me” to begin with.

perhaps the more new things happen to us the more we tend to start exploring more sides. perhaps everyone is not even sure ofwho everyone else is and who they really are. it can be really tiring to have acquaintances at times and yet you can't be without them at other times. i like the idea of being alone sometimes as i don’t need no reactions at all. a whirlwind of thoughts and tangled web of relations in my mind.

i am the same me but different to everyone else. can i ever learn to trust totally? can i even trust myself? with age and different experience we are exposed to, we just grow and learn to take on new sides in life. maybe things never change but the people do. linking and relating is so tiring… perhaps i am simply solitary yet afraid of solitude at some point in time. perhaps i am beginning to change and yet resisting it. the beginning of change is marked by feeling of inadequacy and over-rush of changing tides. maybe time will pass and i am still me. waves of torrents does not affect what the heart wishes to stay the same.

what happens when there are times where you know you should be feeling in a certain way and yet you are not and why are there times when you know you should do something and yet you dun feel like doing it at all. i miss being one with the ocean like a fish and never reminded of the botherous things. someday beyond sea somewhere waiting for me…

aww... i am simply in love with my friendly neighbour!!! haha yeah! tobey maguire rocks!!! and yup... spidey 3 was a nice movie!!! just that the first 2 movies were such a hit that spidey 3 sort of met the great expectation but its just getting harder for it to exceed that tall benchmark it set for itself and take me by surprise (like the first 2 movies did). the first is still my favourite... the intense and great changes spidey had to cope with still leaves an intriguing impression in my mind... the 2nd movie was simply captivating and intoxicating especially when he had to stop that train... aww...

seriously cannot imagine another person playing peter parker's role other than tobey maguire... he is too woven and linked with spidey for me... its just like he was born to act spidey... haha. ok yeah sheer biasness. fine. i just love tobey maguire what says you? all along batman and superman are always changing actors and they did not manage to draw me as deeply as this spidey has...

whoever said that being a butterfly is definitely better than a caterpillar? simply because a butterfly is so beautiful doesn't necessary mean that its life as a caterpillar was any pathetic and meaningless ok?! how would you know since you are not it? but how would i know since i'm not it too?! ...maybe changes come naturally to all living things as time pass by. but if a caterpillar were given the chance to choose, would it rather remain as a caterpillar in face with all the pretty butterflies around it? and what if a butterfly gets to choose too... will it and can it be a simple caterpillar again after all that it has seen once it got its wings? what will it see? definitely more than what a caterpillar sees? but will what it faces after the change be worth the choice? what if the choice is irreversible and the chance to choose only comes once? to take a venture and may so live a life of regret thereafter or remain the same and keep thinking about the "what ifs" if it had made the other choice? what will your choice be?

is it really possible to stay the same person you are? ...and when people all around you changes... will things ever be the same again even when you refuse to change? what if you lose track of the real sense of being yourself if you keep changing all the time and one day gets too tired to stay the same anymore? staying the same requires so much effort and more than your decision... it so depended on whether your environment allows you to... whether you come to terms with the balancing point and whether you are able balance this point with people around you. why, i didn't like people to be hard on themselves and change to please me but neither do i like it the other way round too... can't we just find someone who are more or less like us and at the same time prefers to stay more or less the same for us and for themselves too?

fantasy ~ a form of escapism? used to think people who like to escape from reality for long period of time are rather weak... but perhaps a while of escapism may be good afterall. it does help to take our mind off certain stuffs that may otherwise press us so hard and leave us breathless at the end of the day and at the same time nothing conclusive comes out of our incessant thinking on the matter. maybe some things really shouldn't be hurried and worried too much for. feels much more ready for reality now. :)

is what i want really what i want? how can anyone be sure of what they want is what they really really want until they get what they want? how do you know if what you want is what you think you want or that what you want is actually getting what you think you will get? is there a link between interest and talent? can you be good at something that you might not like or really like something that you might not do well in actually? argh... what do i want? do you know what you want? are you sure when you get what you want it is exactly what you want actually?

... came across this comic while browsing through the internet... looks interesting. the internet is probably one of the many things that before they came into existence, there wasn't really any actual need for them. but after they did you probably can't do without them.

ok. no link but i was also thinking about how people of extraordinary talent are usually peculiar in their character... but i believe this perception is largely shaped by some shows i've been watching since young.

always had the idea that extremely artistic people are usually quiet and has extreme - highly intensified feelings... like if one day you happened to bump into them while they are creating some art works and that your interruption had spoilt everything driven away their inspiration and mood you are probably going to get scowled at and stuff. but they will probably be a spontaneous and romantic bunch who lacks the ability to provide you with the sense of security.

then again my idea of someone gifted in science/research will probably let themselves in on their work so much that if one day you bump into them in th middle of their research, they probably won't even realise you are there... like totally absorbed in their work and ignores other things completely... then if you happen to meet them for dinner and stuff they will probably rattle on and on and on about their work-related stuff... imagine when you are eating a piece of steak and all they is that while you are eating your body is secreting this and that enzymes and the molecules found in a steak are..... haha - imagine that!

hmmm.... then what if someone artistic meets and fall in love with someone science-based... that'll be fun. haha. but that invoke some other idea on whether opposites do attract - is everyone is just looking for someone who are like them and hold similar perceptions so that they are understood by their other half or someone strikingly different so they are completed?

... but as everyone always say that there are no logical formulas/reasonings that you can apply to love so... yeah once again i am thinking too much... hehe :D

goodness... i can't believe i am sooooo into the phantom of the opera that i have decided to watch it once more before it leaves singapore... on the 20th may... i guess it should be their last show. argh feeling terribly, horribly irrational and rash myself... especially when the ticket price are ex... maybe its been too long since some sensation like this manage to sweep me off feet... and oh well i was caught off guard... having weighed the cost of the ticket and the fact that the last time they were in singapore was like nearly 10 yrs ago... i finally decided to allow myself to be impulsive this time. haiz. oki at least i managed to get seats 8th row from the stage - consolling thought.

the last time i was in circle 3, level 4 and didn't manage to see the actors' and actresses' facial expressions that well. though i enjoyed myself tremendously nonetheless :) hopefully the people sitting beside me are less "conversational" than the last time so i can get absorbed by the musical totally this time. i felt so bad to ask them to lower their volume... but you know, i just don't want to get distracted... hehe :D oh well... i think its going to take quite a long while before this musical wears its excitement effects off me. its simply too amazing lah... crap... luckily at the present there are not much extremely important things that need my attention like studies and exams blah blah... hence i can indulge myself to this extravagance.

oh ya... i like the movie too!!! but the feeling is somehow different when you are there yourself and face to face with all the performers kinda thing. oh well hehe.

rite - must start saving up for future... k. after this i will. shall try real hard to restrain myself from watching another musical until i am able to control myself better of course. argh.... still wondering if i should get the movie vcd and programme book for the musical... argh - hui jun!!!

MUSIC OF THE NIGHT

Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation.
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination.
Silently the senses abandon their defences

Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendour.
Grasp it, sense it tremulous and tender.
Turn your face away from the garish light of day,
Turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light -
and listen to the music of the night...

Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams!
Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before!
Close your eyes,let your spirit start to soar!
And you'll live as you've never lived before

Softly, deftly, music shall caress you
Hear it, feel it, secretly possess you
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind,
in this darkness that you know you cannot fight
the darkness of the music of the night.

Let your mind start a journey through a strange, new world!
Leave all thoughts of the life you knew before!
Let your soul take you where you long to be!
Only then can you belong to me

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication!
Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation!
Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in
To the power of the music that I write
The power of the music of the night

You alone can make my song take flight
Help me make the music of the night

the phantom of the opera. moving. grasping. enchanting. added to my wish-list ~ the chance to go london broadway to see this spectacular and magnificent performance which has been running for the 17th year now, the longest running musical.

went to see the musical alone last evening and was awed like i never did before. the feeling was beyond words. simply swept along and moved along. the idea of catching the musical by myself was the rightest decision i made.

i got all the time in the world to allow myself to be woven into the musical, ravel and reminisce... the undivided attention is something that will not happen if accompanied... i simply love this musical and the whole musical is simply unforgettable.

... when what you want is not what you are made for and when dreams and reality are too far apart - which should you hold onto?

... had always loved the feeling of being one with nature... watching sunrise, sunset and simply listening to the sound of the waves hitting the shores...

and the chirping and twitterings in the woods...

this feeling is indescribable... as if you are the only one here at the particular moment in time and that you are actually being held and embraced by mother nature...

gazing into the starry skies when darkness falls... the silence and stillness of the night full of million little specks of stars staring back at me... often makes me feels like i'm just like one of the many specks of light... like how the stars appear to me in the whole big universe... and then i will hear the song somewhere out there... and wonders about the little prince and his planets...and then i would feel like i'm the only one in the univerese amongst the silence.

truly relaxing and a calm surrender for me in the rush of day... hope this special sense of serenity remains so special to me each time... :)

... does choices exist in a world of enchantment where happy endings exist? currently in a wondering mode... happened to realise that life is actually both short and long depending on how you see it, which made certain decisions seem harder... yet sometimes decisions do not always lead to conclusions.

poised between the high mountains and green pastures...

time does tell a lot of things... especially about people. in today's layered world, it seems rather hard to tell nice people apart from not-so-nice ones... especially when there are some rather good masqueraders. haiz. human relations can be such a wierd thing. someone may dislike another person yet both of them are seemingly nice to you. but still, a possible reason is probably you are either of no threat to either of them or that simply because there are no conflicts of interest between you and them.... which also mean to say if people were to face with choices, personal interest will still always come first.

ever thought of keeping things simple but it seems to be not as easy as its said. :(

...tend to admire humble people who are willing to share... those who are genuine in particular... they often give the feeling that they are truly knowledgeable and believe that what they know is limited even though in fact they are already know quite a lot as compared to others. they are so admirable particularly because they do not give others the feeling that they are the most smartest people because they know everything... hmmz. they just seem to be more worthy in their character i guess.

but sometimes materialistic pursuits or to judge by people appearance which are shallow and hollow acts in today's era seems to be so correct and a common thing to do... everything's simply superficial... doesn't the content worth more? then why are looks or beauty viewed as so terribly important? i simply don''t see the point and don't want to go with the flow. i still think that self affirmation is worth much more than others' recognition... just like the way i feel about people who judge by appearances... like they are not sincere at all with knowing you as a real friend based on who you truly are but rather your looks which will inevitably fade with time.

maybe that's why i never like to dress up, put on thick and unnatural stuff on my face and make myself uncomfortable and stiff. to me, feeling comfortable in my attire = feeling happy. if people really want to know you because of the unnatural you, isn't it torturous to keep up the pretence?! people who judge too easily and without understanding still seems a little shallow and narrow minded to me... hmmz. i guess this thinking of mine will remain with me. to me, i want to be the real comfortable me when i meet people. so that its either i don't make friends or i only make friends with those who like the way i am :)

in a wondering mode... especially after watching the pursuit of happyness... happiness can only be pursued but not really held in possession... fleeting... or so we'll treasure it even more? or so because what we cannot get will always be the best and what we'll always want or we simply can't sustain the feeling... because... it fades with time? i guess so, cos if it doesn't, then probably sadness will not too... then time will not heal anything then. get some and lose some i guess?

have been thinking much lately. lots. but haven't got the time to pen down my thoughts till now. perhaps our feelings are just somewhat like action potential graphs for sensory neurones? intensity does not sustain forever so that our nerve cells will not die of fatigue? so probably our minds and hearts are like that too... if we constantly feels something intense and strong all the time, we get tired and then we'll feel nothing unless a more major happening occurs. but its so tiring to feel a lot all the time as well as not feeling much most of the time... i will still choose to feel?

ever discussed with a friend... what will it feel like to be a flower in the wilderness, enjoying breeze, being surrounded by trees... at some point in time i did wish i was one, but only for a while... when i was having the kind of feeling where u suddenly feel like being 远离尘嚣 and be with nature kind of feeling... but i thought i would probably be sad without a mind to think, ability to feel and go where i want to anytime... but she had said we won't know because we're not flowers and we're using a human point of view.

true. but feelings are the most precious and unique to a human... though not always appreciated and sometimes bothering... but they are the source which gives life its meanings and purpose and then shapes our thinkings and perspectives...

ever felt that i particularly enjoyed talking to certain friends because our topics of interest were close... but also felt the difference in some when we all begin to pursue different things in life... a little sad but well... everyone is different from everyone else because of the choices they make. i never really go very close friends who are going for materialistic or branded pursuits and i guess it'll probably be ever so hard for me to... especially when most of the time i would feel so strongly that what we spend on should always be meaningful and what we earned for... when we should be sensible and think more for our parents.

i guess i am just so different from them. and maybe the whole point is i am not one who likes people who are not sensible and considerate or simply decides on things purely from their point of view like as if the world owes them everything and they owe the world nothing?! but sometimes it'll be hard to tell that all to a friend... though you know you should though she might not listen... there are just some friends whom you feel nice and comfy to hang around with but just not close enough to discuss lots of your own feelings and thoughts... and that does not vary proportionally with the number of years of friendship, but rather what you feel when u spend time them i guess?

you probably can spend a lifetime with a person without understanding his/her thoughts but i don't think spending extremely little time with another person will in any way help in understanding him/her as well? i guess it still depends more on the feeling you have for him/her. i guess i am rather fortunate that i have found a few who shares my thoughts and frequency so to speak? i am probably more into spending time talking and doing sports or nature related sports... rather similar to my 2 best friends :)

haiz... too much things going on my mind recently... need some time to consolidate and to prepare for some other stuff.... it's been a "thoughtful" day.

if i ever get a chance to send a letter to God, this will be what it says:

for the

~affinity with people i care about
~blessings (uncountable) you've given to me
~childlikeness + creativity in me
~determination bestowed
~everything going on in my life basically
~friendship + freedom which i will always cherish
~great-atmospheres now and then which never fails to sweep me along
~happiness which i felt had never left me and was never far
~igenuity + innovation during spurs of the moment
~joking-ability (laming in a funny way)
~kindness shown to me
~love felt from all around me since i was born
~mum+me+dad = a complete, supportive family which occupies almost all the room of my heart
~never letting me experience unwantedness,aloneness or helplessness
~opposition + obstruction met that are minimal but helped to strengthen me
~pals who cheer me up, surprise me and encourage me
~querying + inquisitive mind
~regrets (which are minimal and i hope it stay this way)
~support + shoulders from everywhere + everyone i hold dear
~trust + faith people have in me
~understanding lot of people by my side
~very perfect house and home
~wisdom to understand things
~"x-ing" and keeping out unfortunate events from me in my life
~you letting me learn about you and staying with me since i was a child
~zzz (peaceful sleeping) every night without me feeling troubled

dear lord,

for all these which you have given me, i have found my worth on earth, felt love and learn to love, believe in love and will try to love others as you have loved me so much that it can't be quantified. my gratitude can never be enough. amen.

destiny.fate.serendipity.finality.prevailing.realisation.awareness

people who are always trying to impress others with only the interesting sides of the their lives usually fail to realise that any envy others hold may only be for that moment and that being impressive or envied by might not actually garner them true happiness. i would rather enjoy living a life my own way even if it may seem simple and unthrilling to others. but if i am content with such it will suffice for being able to feel content is happiness truly.

perhaps as an only child i was never really appreciative of and really affected by others' views and comments unless that person is someone whom i hold dear or is really wise in my eyes. i never thought of living my life the way others deem dazzlingly. i don't think an affirmation is the right benchmark unless it comes from myself. maybe when one goes with the flow, what he/she is looking for is the genuinely comfortable right way out for them.

and maybe what i said i say so because i have a comfort zone which i can quite warmly comes back to for support when what i am doing is not being appreciated or understood by others. maybe i am "others " to other people as they are to me. maybe these might not make sense. but it does to me so i am satisfied. haha.

destiny.fate.serendipity.finality.prevailing.realisation.awareness

currently slumbering in a period of deep thoughts... particularly when there are some choices for me to make and lots of other things to consider... there are times when we feel tiny and unimportant in this vast universe ... like if one day, when we disappear suddenly, it won't really affect the universe. yet it seems like if any of our love ones leaves us, our world will come crashing down. maybe the universe is large because its a summation of all of our worlds.

all of us seem to have different tolerance capacity towards different people? most of us tend to be more tolerant towards outsiders, or should i say to those whom we are less familiar with or close to. i think its probably because of the uncertainty or lack of sufficient confidence in us to gauge the personality and possible reactions of them. in fact, the closer we are to another person, the more we expect out of him/her in terms of understanding whatever we are doing.

the first step to understanding another person is therefore largely dependent on whether both are on the right frequency. and this, in turn depends on the personality of both. in order to become closer, we need trust and for trust, there must be a certain level of knowledge and ability to roughly gauge the person's thinkings and views even before they are expressed. but more importantly, the person must have possessed a comforable frequency which we think we can tune in to most of the times. i guess this is what EQ is about... but this is not what's most important.

i believe fate is. cos it will be seriously hard to find people with similar frequency to us in this not too big yet not-small-either-earth. then both have to dare to take the 1st step, trust, wiling to put in effort in friendship and finally there must be a right timing for some events to happen such that both can go through together to strengthen the bond and eventually have some hurdles appearing so we know what to react in future when similar scenarios surface. (see, i don't really believe in smooth journeys without ups and downs because once there is one, we will not know how to face it.)

well, i guess that's probably why its getting harder to get a good friend as you grow older... people just learn to be more protective of themselves and trust less easily. haiz...

can one be optimistic and prepared at the same time? cos if you are prepared, then u probably already thought of the worse scenario that could happen and hence make yourself ready for it. but if you are optimistic you will probably think of the bright side no matter what happens? hmmz. so what does it means by hope for the best but prepare for the worst? sounds wierd. how can you have both kinds of thinking at the same time?

anyway recently i realise that actually a lot of unecessary work and trouble are caused by certain misunderstandings where people refuse to clear up... so when people get some parts of the story, they began to come up with their own links, judgements and conclusions which when told to a third party cause even more confusions and complications. some times you can really be amazed at how creative people can get and how they manage to remember certain tiny bits of things from 10 yrs back.

maybe the people who can live a simple and happy life might not have been born simple afterall... they are just more able to forget and forgive much faster than others do, that's why they seem so free of trouble. so far around me, i have only seen one person who can do that. hopefully i can learn such skill fast enough. :)

actually, how many people in this world are sure of the kind of life they want to lead? there'll be a group who does not expect much from life who says that after all life is just a passing phase and when its over, all the things we used to own and fought so hard for won't even stay with us for eternity... so what's the point? ... hmmz make some sense. but what about those who say that life are not meant for us to waste away? like if we lead a life without a goal, a dream, an ambition, we are not living life to its fullest? what kind of a goal and ambition are truly living life to the fullest?

aren't most people's goals in life to strike rich? but so what about being rich? apart from being able to do what you want within the reach of the riches, what aims in life come after that? so for all who attain their goals vey early, have they lived their lives to the fullest yet? or they should continue to have another goal, one after another? what about the people who have a goal which they can never attain? like? haha... world peace? haha. then are they never going to complete their lives? what about those who dream to be somebody or be in a certain profession but when they are who they think they want to be and realised that its not what they want afterall? will life ever be completed?

there's only the few ten-years in life that we spent to carve out a niche for ourselves and if what we carve is not what we wanted? re-carve and spend another few ten-years? or worse, if we never have any dreams to begin with? carve what? life is wierd. people say its like a dream, like a drama, a passing phase, a journey, a game. so many varied forms to so many different people? to me, life is like changing seasons, different people just enjoy at varied times, the springs, summers, autumns and winters and then enter another realm? my dream in life will be to go around the world and see how different everyone's life is like, to enjoy cuisine, to sightsee and relax.

but what if i never attain this dream? what if i attained this dream and still have lots of time left? what will be my next dream? hmmz... i don't really know. life can be quite boring because certain phases in it are expected and predictable. like study - work - marry or stay single - die. boring huh... then again, it can't be helped. :( don't quite get it when some one says to another person you complete me... means if the two of them are no longer together they are incomplete again? divorce how? they shatter into pieces? haiz. life is complicated. yeah... it is boring and complicated?! life is full of contradictions lah! maybe life was meant to be simple and boring. but it became complicated because of man and yet still boring. but how else can life be interesting if for everything we do there'll be a day when we become tired of it?

maybe life is just life. just that people like me sometimes tend to think too much. haiz. :( maybe i am too hungry. better go eat breakfast. done enough mind exercise for now. wahaha.

... to me there is only one kind of love that is truly unconditional in this world. its the love our parents have for us.

other types of love will involve self-interests no matter what. our parents will love us no matter how we've changed and forgives us no matter how many times we might have hurt them. other types of relationship might turn sour as soon as one has changed or in some cases, when one refuses to. but no matter how we change, our parents still love us the way they do in the past. so i can safely say that our parents not only love the way we are, they also love the old us and the new us. so whenever i come across a book about how much a certain character loves the other i will be thinking whether the love will be as strong if in future that character changed for the worse and keeps hurting the other party.

if other kinds of love that can match our parent's love for us, maybe there wouldn't have been so much divorce, break-ups and so little of true "friends-forever" friendships.

maybe part of the reason is that we are all becoming increasingly self-centred and perhaps some of us are afraid getting too close to others as we are clearly aware that once we do so, we are more proned to getting hurt in the case of a mistrust. this may also be because we put a value to too many things in life, hence we have become overly concerned with our own interests, gainings and losings - in other words simply, we have learn to be over-calculative.

then again, maybe another reason why we don't want to get too close to another person may be because we are able to predict what might be the outcome if we do. i believe we usually have gone through certain considerations before we draw the circles of defence for friends that we have made... knowing that some of them are the safe ones whom we can share our most genuine feelings with. these considerations probably include the characters of our friends to a large extent, whether they are the ones who can be there for you and at the same time will not be over dependent on you or over independent such that their shoulders are strong enough for you to lean on and yours to them.

it may actually be tiring to either keep sharing your problems with a friend and never get to listen to your friend's problem because you might start to wonder if that person trusts you as much as you trust him/her. similarly it may equally be tiring if a friend doesn't know when to stop doing so... friendship might just strain if one party keeps thinking he/she is the unfortunate one and so you must always be there for him/her, listen to her problems and give in to him/her under the pretext of being "understanding and considerate" without knowing that sometimes he/she is the one who isn't.

maybe its best that people who wants their relationships to last knows how to manage and maintain a degree of independency and dependency. it also goes a lot to explain why funny(humorous) people tend to have more friends as they are able to lighthen lots of problems and reduce them into managable ones. (even though they might not be so in reality.)

hmmm. when i was young i used to wonder if there's such a thing called "fairness" in the world. i am still wondering a lot about it now. cos it seems like everyone has been born into a different set of environment and since birth goes on quite far to determine what kind of person we grow up to be and the future, doesn't that reflect the old saying that our fate is sealed the day we are born?

then again there'll be this thing called education that provides everyone with equal chances to excel regardless of background. hmmm... sounds like the phrase doesn't work in our era anymore? not really. in poorer countries it still applies. in developed nations it works just as well. if you are born smart, a little hard work will take u to great distances, otherwise, you'll need plenty of hardwork to do so.

but some might say... as long as one is granted with equal opportunities, that will suffice. since there'll be this "the question should not be why haven't you been given a chance yet but rather are you really prepared for it if it comes."... watching "happy feet" seems to have started me on this train of thoughts... everyone has been born with different talents but not all sort of talent receives the same sort of "welcoming".

the pre-requisite to natural selection is the diversity within a population, but at the same time, nature only selects the strongest, the fittest that adapts best to changing environment. life is simple yet it requires complexity to remain so.

...making a decision usually depends on logic + analysis + reasoning + understanding of + trust for the persons involved but i think the thing that plays the most important part is the feelings of the decision maker. that's why its not too easy to make a decision at all. its like involving lots of "u- know-u-should-do-what-but..." involved in it. but then again, ultimately the ease or difficulty of making any decision depends on the exent and scale of the effect it brings along.

and if a decision is dragged for too long, it might actually become quite stressing for the people directly or indirectly involved. maybe that's why some people prefers to have answers thrown straight back into their faces rather than waiting for it... haiz. making decision is one thing, how you go about delivering the choice you have made is another.

a decision can only be subjective or objective. but there's a saying which goes one man's apple is another's peach... so a decision which seems objective to some may be subjective to others. and so it relies quite a lot on the environment, time frame and circumstances in which it was made. just like certain decisions made now which sounds right to majority would have sounded wrong way back in the past.

maybe because we are all living in a greyer world, no more either black or white, so we are more accepting towards a lot of decisions and maybe thats why its harder to say exactly whether a decision is right or wrong.

is human nature good or evil? is the human will strong or weak? haiz. seems like the more you look for the answers the more questions you find. actually i think most of us like to simplify matters. but end up we usually complicate them. so, you see why we live in a much more complicated world than ever... the more we know, the more we know we don't know and the more we want to know what we don't know. haiz. complicated enough anyway.

christmas seems to be just round the corner when there's still more than a month to go... thanks to all the christmas carols and hoilday-mood everyones' having. hehe. its nice to have such celebrations sometimes cos having holidays do cheer one up... especially when you are surrounded by loved ones and friends. even though there aren't any snow nor warm fireplace or chimneys here for santa to climb into... wahaha.... deck the halls with box of hollies ~ fa la la la la ~ la la la la! hehe

"true giving is the giving away of what you can't live without and not what you can live without"

recently i discovered another paradox.

if time really can heal all wounds then why do some still feel hurt when they recall certain unpleasant things that happened to them in the past? incomplete healing or a scar? perhaps it may be true that as time goes by, we do not feel as intense the emotions we used to feel when the thing just happened to us. but the bottom line is that we probably can never forget those things that once managed to tug at our heartstrings no matter how long it takes.

life afterall, is just like a storybook with all our memories written down, regardless of their worth. that is why pages will either record some precious, treasured memories or be filled with melanchony ones. but without any particular one of them, the ending will be different, so will we.

its a sad thing sometimes when you realise that people only become stronger when they are made to go through the "downs" in life, sometimes unprepared and most of the time unwilling and it is almost always inevitable that, when they do, they are seldom found to laugh and play like a small kid anymore. their goals in life will change and so will their personality.

once, my friend told me that childishness is actually an act. maybe i would rather pretend to grow up and still be childish inside. ya. call me childish. afterall i still prefer to laugh and play like a small kid. wouldn't you too? :P

... are you watching closely? yes. the prestige. one of the most enjoyable movies i have ever watched. extremely engaging and to put it simply - worth the ticket price. something i took along with me after i left the theatre - the audience is fooled only because they want to be. they never truly wanted to find out what's happening behind all the tricks because there are too much impossibilities in this world.