"i'll like a drop of rainwater refracting light...
and a dash of illumination across the endless dark too."

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

its intriguing how we react so differently to people around us, how we carry ourselves and all - why we come up with different decisions on the same matter at different times. why we have so many sides of ourselves? do all the sides add up to the one “me”? or are we just a mixture of others’ shadows – of all who are around us? like putting on who we think best at the moment in time and act through with it? are we just tired of being ourselves all the time so that its time to change at every chance we have? or maybe there isn’t a “me” to begin with.

perhaps the more new things happen to us the more we tend to start exploring more sides. perhaps everyone is not even sure ofwho everyone else is and who they really are. it can be really tiring to have acquaintances at times and yet you can't be without them at other times. i like the idea of being alone sometimes as i don’t need no reactions at all. a whirlwind of thoughts and tangled web of relations in my mind.

i am the same me but different to everyone else. can i ever learn to trust totally? can i even trust myself? with age and different experience we are exposed to, we just grow and learn to take on new sides in life. maybe things never change but the people do. linking and relating is so tiring… perhaps i am simply solitary yet afraid of solitude at some point in time. perhaps i am beginning to change and yet resisting it. the beginning of change is marked by feeling of inadequacy and over-rush of changing tides. maybe time will pass and i am still me. waves of torrents does not affect what the heart wishes to stay the same.

what happens when there are times where you know you should be feeling in a certain way and yet you are not and why are there times when you know you should do something and yet you dun feel like doing it at all. i miss being one with the ocean like a fish and never reminded of the botherous things. someday beyond sea somewhere waiting for me…

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