caught a glimpse of what growing old together means recently :)

had always found bliss in old couples holding hands, strolling down streets together.
had always felt some heartstrings being pulled when listening to collin raye's "love me".

had always wonder what would my story be like and if i would have my parents' courage if i were them. it might have been in some gene, but as to its dominance or recessiveness, that's probably another question.

changing the decision that was never made.
forgoing the conclusion that was never born.

more than once, a fish wonders deeply about life and she wants of it.
more than once, more than one answer she heard.

is this part of life then?

some deemed leaving behind the glory days and being remembered by generations to come the sufficing of life? fools, others say. to but never know what is made of them except the possibility of becoming a fragment of another's memory.

some dream big. some live big. then?

the grandest of all palaces shall have a day when it fails to be so. the ravishing beauty of a flower - only a plaything of time. the eternal river of hoping will one day be derided of hopes as of the countless that have come to pass.

as nothing has ever been truly important, so will nothing ever be.

time gave meaning and value to anything and everything; because of a fixed frame of existence, they are treasured. but because of this same frame, they were fleeting.

people create the symbolism they envision and trap themselves. what of this?

a picture speaks a thousand words, yet, at the same time left so many unsaid.

who is to say the "if"s for the past and the future? who is to say anything for the now?

passion is but one's heart's desires expressed outwardly.

creativity amazes... some inspired by the heat of the moment, others wave those just as their hearts render.

legends are but stories infused with extravagance.

some live in the past
some live at the moment
some live for the future

no matter. we all do.

beauty in the eyes of the beholder may not be too wrong afterall. there are beauty in even the simplest things although not all may realise.

a maple leaf
a pine shrub
the sleepiness of a koala
the fighting spirit of a kangeroo
the stars-dazzled skies on the outskirts
the free roaming animals exploring
the mighty cliff rocks along the never-ending waves of the boundless sea
a grain of sand individualistic amongst so many
a rainforest of seamless eucalyptus
the white, cold snow of mount buller
the sun setting against the hustle and bustle of the city streets...

serenity and its own wonder. the first step taken awards the bold with pleasant surprise, and, many of them in fact.

love this book!!! lightly enjoyable and rather my kinda of a great book, weaving in all my likes altogether... fairytales have rules you know? and we are not supposed to ask. we'll see when mine arrives. :)

many times we see why.
but we can't see how.

when we stand facing each other,

we can never see from the other's perspectives.

being able to see how things develop does not guarantee us the power to change anything.

why the like to be in another world if the world is beautiful enough? why the dread of time passing? finite versus infinity. random. like this wise song. somehow.

Through Heaven’s Eyes

a single thread in a tapestry
though its color brightly shines
can never see its purpose
in the pattern of the grand design

and the stone that sits up on the very top
of the mountain's mighty face
does it think that it's more important
than the stones that forms the base

so how can you see what your life is worth
or where your value lies
oh, you can never see through the eyes of man
you must look at your life (look at your life) through heaven's eyes

a lake of gold in the desert sand
is lesser than a cool fresh spring
and to one lost sheep, a shepard boy
is greater than the richest king

if a man lose everything he owns
has he truly lost his worth
or is it the beginning
of a new and brighter birth

so how do you measure the worth of a man
in wealth or strength or size
in how much he gained or how much he gave
the answer will come to him who try
to look at his life through heaven's eyes

lai-la-lai...through heaven's eyes
and that's why we share all we have with you
though there's little to be found
when all you've got is nothing
there's a lot to go around

no life can escape being blown about
by the winds of change and chance
and though you never know all the steps
you must learn to join the dance
you must learn to join the dance

lai-la-lai...through heaven's eyes...

so how do you judge a man is worth
by what he builds or buy

you can never see what you life is worth
till you look through heaven’s eyes

you’ve gotta look through heaven’s eyes.

recently've been stealing moments out of my hetic schedule (while waiting for buses, trains and while sitting on them too!) to catch up on the tremendous amount of reading (i missed out) and that which i so totally missed sooooo much over the school days. reading is truly one of life's most enjoyable pleasures. (at least for mine) hahz! both my dad and mom are nowhere near patronisers of storybooks though. wonder where i get that gene from. i love books that range from inspirational to fictional to fantasy and even to pictorial/creations and really don't mind sitting somewhere alone just pouring them and get lost in their world. must definitely cheong to the library again soon and read as much as i can fill my time before school starts. hahz... credit and tribute to the USSR reading programmes and book reviews i was forced to write in pri and sec schools that start me on a reading spree since then i guess?

couldn't put down a book which i borrowed for light reading. really enjoyed the lightness of tones and perspectives intermingled with the heavy settings and theme. it is definite a good read to keep your mind entertained for the afternoon, predictable yet not bland. excellent for a quick light enjoyable read. love it. revolves around the completion of tasks written on a list and life changing events that arise from small and almost insignificant happenings that we let slip by. :) read it! for fun. lots.

and... the next thing on my list will be... to...
borrow more books to read of course!!!

recently just completed (finally after super super super long), a game my best friend scripted for me on our friendship on my 21st birthday. its simply wonderful and cool. hahz i am the duck and obviously she's the cat. can't believe i finally finally get pass all the levels and cracked her code finally! hehe. really amazed at the game and the effort. love it lots. love my best friend lots too. friends forever and ever... try cracking the code (inscriptions on the wall) i really wonder where she came up with all these mann... beyond words. some stuff.

come to think of it. there's only 1 thing i need and everything else can then solved. time. anyone would like to transfer me some?
if i really have a time bank account, it is probably always zero. if i really have a time-ial adviser i probably should get him/her sacked because i don't see much returns from my time investments at all. and i am really glad i can't get a loan for time because i don't really think i'll be able to pay back at any rate and if there is interests for time, i will probably be bankrupt. okay i really should stop eating into my zzz time. nite!

seeing only what we want to.
existence is but governed by faith and believe.

maintaining new friendships.
not too idealistic.

always believed the strength of friendship does not depend on the number of meet-ups. or outings. or even the amount of chatting. but the quality of time spent. quality of experience. quality of things and feelings shared.


confidence that it will last. trust even if might be betrayed. the willingness to spend time and effort to understand another person. has never been easy

and i am getting complacent.

partly because i am lucky and lazy and in some way, content with my present circle.

though it seems like you can get along with the whole world and people like you from their understanding of you are, you somehow don't think they are knowing the real you and neither are they any interested to know you more than you wish to know them. leave things be then.

thoughts going through my mind are exclusive to whoever i trust them with. i have no intention to find out what you are thinking and so you are not obliged to ask if you are not interested to know mine either.

we are all selective.

used to dislike highly sociable people who are almost able to talk to anyone anytime. somehow never really talked about my true thoughts and feelings with them. brushing off with moderates and sitting-on-the-fence. don't think they are truly interested to find out anyway. they just don't want silence. they just want to try to engage without truly engaging themselves.

what's the point? don't see it. but played along. didn't enjoy this. but don't think they knew. don't think they cared either. well. don't think i cared either.

we are all born with the ability to become beautiful social butterflies.

but i prefer the plain and simple caterpillar. and the leaf i'm on.

perhaps my expectation of friendship is too high
all my old friends' fault.
for setting high targets.

beginning to be... a little numb to people when they said they dislike X or Y or Z or find them totally negative or just plainly can't stand them. purely their problem. bring out your opinion that X or Y or Z seems ok and be sure to have the gap widen. or be labeled acting nice when you simply just feel neutral. so I've learn to laugh it off or just comment "really?", "i didn't realized/know" and etc. keep things simpler by being engaged but not involved. really don't want to be influenced by the unverified viewpoints.

but they probably don't care about my response either. they only want to have their viewpoints aired out period. and hopefully some people think the same way they do so they are not alone. and the discussion can continue.

a subconscious criteria i have for my circle is to not be gossipy. hahz. gotta be just. explains a lot. humble people always catch my attention too... especially those that know so much but are actually the quietest... who does not play only games which they are good in. the point of playing is to have fun and not to win admiration period. and they will win mine unknowingly.

but there's one type of game that i really dislike. those kind that you are supposed to tell who's telling the truth and lies. seriously i plainly don't like the idea of lying with eyes open and yet do it so naturally. perhaps i do have what it takes to lie. but subconsciously i never want to accept the information that this part of me can exist.

we are all born natural masqueraders.

its only whether we choose to accept this ability or not.

so,
if one day,
i can really lie to others

i will probably be wondering if i can trust myself.

so,
i think i will continue to suck at playing these games.

i hope so.

you've seen the real me? or so you think.
perhaps - or so i thought.

the creator of creativity created words, made friends with thoughts and art and colours.

creativity in brainwaves for sole discretion
not for sharing
nor for expression

creatoire creatures. all.

expiry for creativity anyone?


recency precedes precedence. who then, precedes recency?

writing before my imagination begins walking tame. realised you need a rather large amount of effort to keep it running wild.

asked if still wish to have the ability to create drawings and writing entries and stories...



having had can't imagine without.
if haven't, perhaps not.
might have felt perfectly fine the way it is.

time. the world.

sometimes we lose tracks. but we will always find our ways back.



sometimes i find humans simply can't stand idling. that's why we constantly create problems to solve or think of things that doesn't actually need to be thought about.

imagination are but meaningless thoughts unless appreciated.
appreciation is not measurable.
measure is what defines value.
so appreciation lacks value.


what might be the value of value then?

its a nice feeling to know you are being missed. somehow to be remembered and thought about by another simply brings warmth. it need not be big things done but sometimes a sms or a small gift or letter sent from far is enough effort. i guess this is why humans make friends in the first place... to be appreciated and to know that they are being cared about by another person even though they could have been unrelated. hmm hmm.

hehehe. back again. recently felt quite free-spirited in some sense :D picked up some really precious lessons in life and grew some wisdom? lol. i guess its just about getting some light and better insights into some stuff in my life ba... hmm hmm. like this feeling of shoving interesting experiences into my very own life's treasure-box along with some discoveries, memories and adrenaline rushes.


i think strength really comes from having courage to take the first step and then accepting with grace what comes after and never running away. patience is of utmost importance... really must be generous with giving ourselves time to understand and never rush. many a times its really boiling down to how we look at some stuff in life - our own perspectives are what that are influencing us. spending some quiet moments alone reflecting and thinking really helped. of course not to mention the time spent with meow, one of my two bestest buds in my life is just plain thankful for.
i guess its really really not high chance to find another whom you know truly understand what you are thinking about, cares for, feels for and thinks so much the same as. its kinda scary to like have someone knowing me so well, second to myself and my mom? haha. yet the feeling is indescribable... its like you know she'll always be there for you and like you just know deep down the friendship shared is the strongest among the rest and can really stand the test of time. you can't really explain but you just know kind of thing... i guess must experience yourself then will know de ba.. some stuff. hahz. its fortunate enough to have one but to have two is just plain lucky. my 2 best friends in life are really amazing wonders. thankful. gen & meow.

its like when you hear updates from them on similar things that happened to other friends, you'll naturally want and really wish to know more and feels so much more for their happenings. when you are updating them about recent happenings, you'll fill them in with much more details as well... special privileges like that. hahz... its just different as when you are sharing with others... dunno how to say.
... currently feeling the stress mounting up to exams (inevitable as usual) but nevertheless looking forward to the holidays and since exams happened to come before that... so i guess no choice, gotta get "pass" them first... :(

hmmm hmm. hehehe but really feel very free-spirited at the moment. this feeling rocks.

got this from a email forwarded by a friend.

when the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray

being happy doesn't mean that everything is prefect. it just mean that you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

touched me somehow.

just me and the sea, perhaps my book and pencil pls?

time when i wanna be alone, looking at the endless sea, not needing to care if the world still spins as long as mine pause for me.

time when i wanna be washed by the gentle rain, to walk and feel that life is not a rush.

to simply pause and enjoy the beautiful things around and not dash past each day without seeing the meaning and wonder.

but seems like now i can't. time seems to be never enough. i wonder why.

i need some time and space alone. just me and the sea, perhaps my book and pencil but time seems to be never enough. i wonder why.

is a busy hectic life necessary fulfilling? am i getting what i think i want? do i see in myself what i think i see? time to do some reflective re-evaluation in life. in my life.

one. life is simply so err... exciting and full of amazing happenings. in short, its just not too far from what we read or see in movies' and stories' plots basically... at least it appears so for me. hmmm... so fun and sometimes, really quite funny. interesting and a lot of things can really happen within a short period of time. :) re-affirmed that seriously. hehe

two. it is really possible that we can stun ourselves. i used to so doubt that saying lah... now gotta eat my own words. but i also must pat myself on the head (and maybe shoulder too) for whatever i did... just this week already got 2 things that can make me raise my own eyebrows very high at myself le. wahaha. a secret between me, myself and i. :D however, still must remind myself not to drink coffee too often in the wee hours... its always the case when adrenaline is too high and we are not getting enough sleep to think clearly... but in any case, i was quite glad i did them no matter what. hahz. then again i guess the constant happening of too much exciting stuffs is not exactly under one of the causes of heart attack... so should be fine. start believing in what you can't believe.

three. there are some games that kids like me really shouldn't start playing or join in yet... simply cos childish people just love the easy and less complicated way out. and i miss the "play like no one else is watching you" kind of feeling so much, too much to start. but then again life is just unpredictable so for now shall just keep this at that and see what other exciting things life has in store for me... better concentrate on the game of life literally.

cool cool week. exciting and errs... somewhat fun. hahz. truly free-spirited for now. and, love this.

fears and problems are only as you see them.

times where you tell people to put themselves in your shoes and they'll understand.
times where you might not, in the first place, understand yourself.

be a day of me and you'll understand.

decided. more or less. things be.

be a day of me and you'll understand.

too much of too much,
too little of too little.
too much of too little,
too little of too much.
just nice. contented. happiness. at this very moment.

one can't retain happiness forever,
but one can remember one was once very happy, truly happy.
a moment like this is.

list of ppl to thank on boxing day & for post-yaya/huijun/cecilia/ceci-just-turned-21 bday party 2008:

1. Daddy and Mummy:
for giving this precious life to me and for the past 21 years never making me feel a moment of being alone and unloved. for trying their best to give me everything i now have. for everything they sacrificed knowingly or instinctively.

2. I am genuinely amazed by my blessings' creative juices and effort. i can really feel it guys, really.

nanhua si3 dang3 aka dedicated member of the saikang committee...
for the 4 of you: i think one thing that i truly feel very special is the fact that i felt that during the party you guys are not the invited participants but my zi4 ji3 ren2, helping to host and run the whole thing for me and yet never fail to surprise me. PQ, you rocked at dispersing leftover food and mopping floor sia.. queen of clearing-up-aftermath.. though most of the mess came from you. meow and teobei, how come its always the small-sized ppl who so you3 li4?! SJ and teobei, i know lugging 5 kg of ice and mango puddings from IMM is not exctly a light chore. meow and SJ, sorry for making you guys run ard to get the drinks and err the sparklers that in the end i never play. wahaha. and ya, one more thing i love - to see all of you zi4 yuan4 jump into the pool and get wet and then hurried out cos scared security guard catch. the part where like you guys start taking out your valuables and surrending to my mom before jumping into the pool is so funny. interestingly memorable. yup.

meow: for the gift: though haven't err officially recieve full package of your err big big gift yet, but i know ur ultra large production probably zapped up more than like the whole year of your own time when you could have used it for other stuff. for the party: without your erm... analysis and encouragement to all my insecurities and sian-ness throughout the planning stage, i probably would have dismissed this idea and perhaps totally not knowing what i missed out. for everything else, i think you know what i wanna tell you le. 3 words.

pq: i truly truly never expect your hou4 li3 seriously and honestly. i also didn't suspect your disappearing act when the rest were at my place during the pre-party preparation... i really thought it was school work. i am really touched lah. for your present, your time, your effort, your sweat and your hou4 ai4. for knowing me, for knowing how important a home and family is to me - i also want you to know that friends like you are equally irreplaceble in my definition of happiness in my future.

sj: i truly truly love your violin playing and the whole effect y0u and PQ arranged for me during the cutting of my cake, it is truly amazing. your card is ultra pretty and super you3 xin1 and side track a bit, i just dun get how my violin ends up at chevrons when i never see you with it since we met... and i also love the fact that you jumped into the pool willingly knowing that you didn't came with any clothes. you rocked hard.

teobei: haha. love to see you arrive earliest at my place and start saikang-ing. love the egg you cut for my bee hoon seriously. they seem to add another taste to things... a taste called effort and warmth. love the music ambience your forty bucks speakers created. your mp3 songs. your daring first venture to tell me the cake smells a bit funny and then you know the rest. love to see you running around technically and practically the most during the party. love you for letting me push you into the pool with me too :P

the rest of my nanhua jie3 meiz4... friendship is a sweet journey
really thanks for coming... and when pushing me into the pool, you guys really reminded me of the fun and crazy secondary school days we had together... those days i truly enjoyed every single one of them. heard some requests here and there to ask me to remain childish and then some telling me to be more mature... haiz. so mafan and confusing. but since you guys know me so long le, prob can guess that i'll remain like this for many many years down the road ba... too bad if you find this irritating :P this year's trend from you guys seem to hint that i am sweet (thanks) but i think you guys are truly the sugars responsible for the sweet tastes and days of my life. love you guys. stay sweet and... friendship with you guys is indeed a sweet journey.

once a saintz... WHY - my favourite jue2 dui4 superband of the year and many more to come!
WHY band ROCKS! you guys know who i am talking about. i want your autographs!!! haha. you
guys damn well unexpectedly stunningly surprised me lah. so quiet quiet then did such a big project for me... seriously you all ah... the MTV and production video simply left me speechless (i almost died laughing on my bed) and wt: your mom very ke3 ai4. her erm special appearance is not arranged right? the songs rocked. if you guys become famous and cut album nxt time dun forget me hor. wt: help me thank your sis too!!! i think you all really very very cool lah, the whole idea and how much time and effort you all spend on the whole thing. i really love everything about it. this is the most most unique one and only and special album i ever had. it is simply priceless and i will definitely zhen1 xi1 it. love you all!!!

estab since 1998/mk & pxh: i'm still waiting lor.... haiz!!! but heard from my mom the preview to my present from you 2 looks promising?... hmmm. haha. mk: thanks for sai-kanging as my professional photographer!!! pxh... why you come so late and miss my speech huh? hahz. but glad you stayed till 4am playing mahjong :P hope you guys had fun!

there are simply too much to be mentioned...
to all my friends whom i don't always get to meet up or those i just knew last year, i am truly grateful for all your presence at my party and all the presents you guys got.

my 2 meiz: thanks for staying till so late though got attachment the next day and you 2 are really like 2 small angels to me :)

my wanna-tiao4-hai3 bridge partner/makan khaki: mindy!!! fellow twenty-one-ian! thanks for coming and your prez!!! (though no crab for you to peel during my party) wahaha!

csa (2nd family):

SENIORS:
iggy... i heard you smashed me cake too?? you be careful the next time we meet ok!!! oh, and nick: sorry for erm you sitting around and not doing anything and kena-ing a piece of cake i presumed was meant for me. haha. thanks all of you guys for adding so much noise and fun to my party. though we know each other less than a year, glad you guys came and yup. hope all of you had fun :p

oiz...fellow freshiez (haiz... cun use this term in another few more months...)
heyz. sorries din get to talk to you guys much. err... hope my crazy friends didn't stun you guys too much. hee.
sherm/sis: cecelia/cecila/cecilia??? thanks for the card and erm - at least you got my name spelled correctly there. haha... i assume nxt yr you will eventually get my name right right? but i really really appreciate it oki? haha. :D luv ya loads too (i'm not les either):P !!! luv ya really.
tiff/roomie/groupie: i thank god for you too. the rest i guess you'd know since we think so similarly. :P
pretty isis: i'll try not to stress myself... haha :D luv ya too sis! so glad you are back in foc subcom :P stay perpeptually high.
anne: hehe... i really enjoyed talking to you that nite too... so must talk more in future ok? i think talking more really brings people closer somehow... coming foc i think got a lot of chance :P
josh/dean/jon: really thanks for coming and all ur prez and cards!!! hee. jon help me thank your friend andy again ok? thx!

see you guys soon... lisc / any subcom meetings anyway we are in most of them anyways :)

bs peeps: thanks so much for the effort to hand make stuff despite busy tuts, lects and lab reports. i can foresee you guys' alternative career paths - bakery and accessory shops owners-to-be/made-to-order cards for all occasion avail.

never ever felt happier yesterday at my 21st birthday celeb. truly truly amazing. all my loved ones really made me feel so special and loved. sometimes words can describe a lot but not tell much. my nan hua si3 dang3 really did their wonders one more time... never fail to surprise me time and again and give me the warmth that really fills my heart completely. they are like family hosting and saikang-ing whole day and night for me. i never knew things would be so amazing, wonderful and beyond my wildest imagination. just wanna say i really really really love all of you!!!!!!!!! hehe... despite all the cake smashing, sauce splashing and dunking me into the swimming pool (but i got all of them in eventually... so.... hehe) love every single moment yesterday!!!

love the way meow (log head aka head of saikang for yaya's bdae committee) stood beside me, never failing to give me encouragement and cheer me up admist all the busy prep. love the way teobei cuts the fried egg for my beehoon. love her for her music supply. love the way sj played the violin for me from lvl 2 as pq draws open the curtain and show me the most most beautiful dream house (i've ever ever seen) she did for me. love the fact that all of them did so much handmade stuff despite err time constraints. love all the effort and hard sweat presents everyone did for me. love everyone. love god for all good things come from him. love every single blessings in my life. its a lovely day (and night). a super pleasant surprise.

hmm hmm. i guess recently we are all just tired bah... had a long long nite out with meow last nite... impromptu and random again... i guess this week hasn't exactly been going too well for us both... but somehow the time we spend together never fail to lift up our spirits at the end of the day. really really like this feeling... the feeling of knowing someone actually knows me so well and me knowing the person equally well, this feeling is simply rare and must be cherished at all costs.

i guess its called warmth. really thank god for my this best friend. he seems to have somehow arranged in a way such that there'll always be an angel whom i can turn to whenever i need one... gen used to stay just a few blocks away before she went aust and then meow had to shift down from changi to pgp to be so near me... its like there'll always be someone close to me within reach and i really love and appreciate this feeling.

there's no point in asking liars anything because you simply can't tell the truth and false apart, and it'll tireth you. you may, however, look into their eyes and, feel sad for you realised, perhaps they had lost the courage or strength to reveal themselves. perhaps hurt, perhaps protection. perhaps time. and you wonder if you should feel happy for them for having this ability in the world today. but this is one skill that i'll never wish i learn.

the eyes, the soul and heart of us... its sad when you either look into eyes that are shut from the inside or those that stopped shining altogether.

its always the happy people that people like to hang around with. maybe its because people already have enough burdens to themselves. never liked clowns since young... somehow just gives me the feeling of surface happiness, trying to cheer up everyone when they may actually feel so sad and tired inside. smile when its not genuinely from the heart is pointless and devalued, yet so often used. you can really laugh off a friend's jokes and mean it but yet you don't exactly feel like laughing at all. i guess that's why its called humor. is each of us a clown or its just us having a clown in us deep down?

our mind is simply amazing and wondrous. i love my mind's ability to create through drawing and writing but it seems to come with the package of over-thinking and the inability to stop even though it knows its supposed to. nevertheless, a controlled mind can never create... and i accept this.

the human mind and heart seem to have the tendency and capability of constantly finding things to keep themselves occupied somehow. the kaleidoscope is special because what we see from the outside is so different from what we see from inside it. do you see it as a world on its own, beautiful and wondrous or simply, a fantasy that does not exist and never will?

i guess we all need

. some time to ourselves . away from the crowd . some space by ourselves .

to clear certain clouds in our heads. never knew one can have the ability to conceal thoughts and true emotions so well and switch so fast. innate ability? part of human nature? or we simply learned? i like the rain but where is the sun?

how well do you truly know yourself? wait or move on? used to think one can wait indefinitely for some things. used to think once decided, things will always stay the same until faced with the possibilities that new things brought along. unexpected.


in the rain he stood. by the door she waited. tired, she walked away. sadly, he turned around. he wanted to shout but did not. she wanted to hear but could not. all it needed was the courage to take the step. but no one did. one by one, the petals fell. the steps were wet but not by the rain. the door which stood between them still did. she wanted a shoulder to lean on. he needed a hug. one refused to knock, the other to open. the direction will always differ, won't it? the pace will never coincide, will it? both will never know, will they?

maybe the time. maybe the rain. maybe it was never meant to be. if its anything, its now. then again it may have been nothing.

just sent gen off last night... though its only for 8 months, though internet/tech is advance, though there's skype, though we may not even meet up for more than 10 times during the 8 months if she were still here in s'pore, though we both know she'll be back, though logically and rationally i know and understand a lot of other stuff, somehow just can't hold back the tears. wonder why. must be that stupid large "departure" sign and the glass panels at the gates of t3. must be the hug that never fail to start wetting dunno how many ppl's eyes. must be the "pls take care of yourself when i'm unable to see you or be there straight away within a call or sms". must be i'm too used to being just a few blocks away from her for the past 12 yrs. must be the 12 years of friendship. must be the fact that she is my best friend. must be because she won't be here when i turn 21. must be because we both just cry very easily. must be my weakness for not being able to take departure in my stride. not surprising. it has always been so. dear lord pls pls watch over this best friend of mine and keep her safe. amen. miss her so much when its only been a nite. just wet my cheeks one more time. wonder why.

sometimes life is just so plain funny and interesting because of the unexpected stuff it throws at you. sets you thinking constantly basically. but i'm quite glad i managed to clear some jumbled thoughts from my already-quite-filled mind. lol. feels much more relaxed and happy now. yeah~ haha :P oh... its time to bring in the new year mood!!! yipee!!!

nevertheless, timing is still very important i realised... like a lot of things can really be changed before or after some thing(s) happen. wahaha. oki. and yeah, its really time to put down and let go of some stuff so i'll be happier. yep that's all for now. have a happy chinese new year everyone!!! woo-hoo!

life is so full of contradictions and complications it can be so tiring, really tiring. why can't things be straight forward? why can't people flash what they think across their foreheads? though i guess if they really did, more complications may occur. the longest distance is indeed from our heart to our brain. its a sudden realization on my part now that one can seriously get exhausted by thinking too much. anyone know how to stop that?

when can i get an answer? wherever is the finishing line? wherever is the start line? where do i stand? am i even in the race? can i stop contradicting myself? can i stop thinking so much? can i stop getting affected? can i throw in a white towel because i don't want to play this game anymore? i didn't even sign up for this game. this is so unfair. so not fun. so tiring. can you please blow the whistle? can you please make an announcement? can you hear me? can you stop being yourself? can i stop getting annoyed and angry at myself? will the race ever begin? i don't have an answer - do you?!

helplessness was never a good feeling.
feelings are never meant to be controlled.

this is the first time i wish i can be colder.
the effect is unexpected and really wearing me out.
i am tired, i really am.

how long more can i wait?
how much more can i take before i do something?
that i may regret?

i don't know - do you?! you most probably won't too. you are too you.