seeing only what we want to.
existence is but governed by faith and believe.

maintaining new friendships.
not too idealistic.

always believed the strength of friendship does not depend on the number of meet-ups. or outings. or even the amount of chatting. but the quality of time spent. quality of experience. quality of things and feelings shared.


confidence that it will last. trust even if might be betrayed. the willingness to spend time and effort to understand another person. has never been easy

and i am getting complacent.

partly because i am lucky and lazy and in some way, content with my present circle.

though it seems like you can get along with the whole world and people like you from their understanding of you are, you somehow don't think they are knowing the real you and neither are they any interested to know you more than you wish to know them. leave things be then.

thoughts going through my mind are exclusive to whoever i trust them with. i have no intention to find out what you are thinking and so you are not obliged to ask if you are not interested to know mine either.

we are all selective.

used to dislike highly sociable people who are almost able to talk to anyone anytime. somehow never really talked about my true thoughts and feelings with them. brushing off with moderates and sitting-on-the-fence. don't think they are truly interested to find out anyway. they just don't want silence. they just want to try to engage without truly engaging themselves.

what's the point? don't see it. but played along. didn't enjoy this. but don't think they knew. don't think they cared either. well. don't think i cared either.

we are all born with the ability to become beautiful social butterflies.

but i prefer the plain and simple caterpillar. and the leaf i'm on.

perhaps my expectation of friendship is too high
all my old friends' fault.
for setting high targets.

beginning to be... a little numb to people when they said they dislike X or Y or Z or find them totally negative or just plainly can't stand them. purely their problem. bring out your opinion that X or Y or Z seems ok and be sure to have the gap widen. or be labeled acting nice when you simply just feel neutral. so I've learn to laugh it off or just comment "really?", "i didn't realized/know" and etc. keep things simpler by being engaged but not involved. really don't want to be influenced by the unverified viewpoints.

but they probably don't care about my response either. they only want to have their viewpoints aired out period. and hopefully some people think the same way they do so they are not alone. and the discussion can continue.

a subconscious criteria i have for my circle is to not be gossipy. hahz. gotta be just. explains a lot. humble people always catch my attention too... especially those that know so much but are actually the quietest... who does not play only games which they are good in. the point of playing is to have fun and not to win admiration period. and they will win mine unknowingly.

but there's one type of game that i really dislike. those kind that you are supposed to tell who's telling the truth and lies. seriously i plainly don't like the idea of lying with eyes open and yet do it so naturally. perhaps i do have what it takes to lie. but subconsciously i never want to accept the information that this part of me can exist.

we are all born natural masqueraders.

its only whether we choose to accept this ability or not.

so,
if one day,
i can really lie to others

i will probably be wondering if i can trust myself.

so,
i think i will continue to suck at playing these games.

i hope so.

you've seen the real me? or so you think.
perhaps - or so i thought.