finished a bar of chocolate
straightening out my thoughts
thought i'll get some light
but perhaps not tonight

i watched the birds fly and the sun went down
wondering about life
i scooped a handful of sand
and let them slip through my fingers so very slowly
i could still feel them at my fingertips

i noticed your eyes and were mesmerised
but emptiness sets in and i'm lost in the lullaby
we sailed through silence as we saw the moon rise
but the mystery will not unravel itself tonight, shh. it just won't

its not love yet but i still want to know
one day
if this is you,
if it is you.

filled with moving emotions, the depth unseen.

feels so right beside him,

yet just what does he think?

who cares what the world thinks? aloofness!
its fine standing against the winds alone -
just?

no matter if i do more, but it must be fair for the rest.
considerately stark with contrast,

charm he does not know, strength he does not see.

warms you like you're in front of a fireplace, only to send chills in a gale.
just how do i find him if he remains so hidden and confusing?

draw?

doesn't matter.

as march approaches, one end would be tied.

and as march leaves, the other one would too.

conclusions will be drawn, and this passing phase closed.

can't wait? can't bear?

times when she wished she weren't a fish.

how can her heart just slipped away like that?

how can she lose her rein just like that, after she tried so hard to tighten it?

just like that.

how can she be blinded just by that few moments of connection,

which probably didn't mean anything to anyone except her?

if nothing has yet begun and she's already feeling this much, just what happens if anything really happens?

how can anyone understand the crazy and irrational intensity of the emotions she feel?

who can?

she'd all along been the one who laughs and cries with others, who can identify with and feel the emotions of others.

but who can truly feel and understand what she feels now and then tell her what to do?

and who can help wake her up and make her believe this isn't real?

sadist fish who can't help it. 

why can't things speed up so she wouldn't have time on her fin to dream?

why can't she just stop weaving little stories in her mind?

fish, why, so torn?

fish, why so sad?

fish, why so helpless?

stop giving me THAT stare.

i mean it.

i want to see you and i don't want to see you.

its getting on my nerves.

my defences were never strong to begin with.

so i need you to stop it.

its too penetrating.

that reaches-into-the-depths-of-my-soul kind of stare.

the common problem with your species.

and the downfall of mine.

i don't even know anything about you.

its already electrifying enough when you are around.

and fishes can only take that much.

especially when they already find you impressive enough.

go get yourself a wedding or attachment ring and wear it or something.

you will get me into deep shit if this continues.

and it doesn't help, you being so secretive and all.

i thought i was the level 10000.

now i can't read you.

what is this crap.

although through this all you probably wouldn't know anything.

nothing.

but this fish here can still swim and hide somewhere -

the least they could do and the best they could manage.

you shall be non-existent from now on.

she will have to learn her control.

but what happens when there are just no place safe?

when you are just everywhere,

and that you shine even in that dim, quiet corner you'd always stay?

but its alright.
now i know.
you probably belong to Him.
not too surprising.
it's happened before.
i'd just have to get used to it.
and learn to close my eyes.
can't believe this.

a scorpion and a crab.

how many times must it be this way again?

would you prefer to be stung or pinched this time round, little fish -

without hard shells or venom, your only survival defense is your masked exterior,

which must remain undetectable to this practical world.

your little conjured world of fantasy have to end,

it has to stop today.

yet the day when a piscean stops dreaming is the day when she ceases to be one.

and the day when she stops having the conflicts within herself is the day when she lets herself go.

little fish, little fish,

what would you do?

how can someone own such a pair of deep-set eyes?

how can someone be so gentle, so meek, yet possess a strong spirit?

how can someone make her feel so light-hearted, just by being around her?

how can someone brighten her day just by calling her name?

there must be something more that she doesn't know,

something there that she must have missed,

something here that's blinding her - the wind, the stars, anything!

he must have belonged to someone somewhere.

or someone else must have caught his eyes somehow.

he can be anything but real, and nothing more but a dream.

he just cannot exist and things should stay this way.

how else is she to cope with him being so close by her side?

she needs to walk away.

she needs some cool and refreshing air to clear her head.

she needs to take a deep breath and stop smiling to herself like an idiot whenever he comes to her mind.

its time for her rational and practical mind to battle her irrational and idealistic thoughts.

its war time.

and most importantly, she needs to keep this to herself.

on this very last night of the year, little water faerie walked by the same path where she first met him. she had truly wished that they'd meet again tonight, somewhat by chance. she had thought silently to herself that if they did, fate perhaps would have something more in stored for them, and she could have at least wished him a happy new year. yet fate was something neither to be grasped nor taunted. weighed down by her little thought bubbles dangled on a few strands of disappointment (at her own juvenility as well as the foreboding outcome of her silly wager), little water faerie strolled out of the mystical woods into the warm, dark night. it was one of those nights where she truly wished they had met.

the mindless waves hit,

and the fish went mad.

pause! ~

too much bubbling and hustling is ne'er good.

halt!

swim back, against the currents!

blindly follow no further.

the trench is deep and dark,

and you'll be drowned by muck.

stop stop stop STOP!

rationality is important.

if there is a plan for me, what would it be, my lord?
you created me to feel, to desire, yet to fear.
you created me to dream, to wish, yet to witness the pain of others.
you gave me a promise, a hope, which holds true only after life on this earth has passed.

my name was carved in your palm before i came into existence,
you held me as a child, you'd never let me go.
as i walk through life's journey, i see you and thank you in each and every happy and moving moment,
yet when the cross i carry keeps getting heavier, what should i do?

without you, my life would perhaps be a lot easier, unrestrained.
yet though my choice to believe in you made it a great deal harder, and more confusing,
my life did find its meaning and purpose.
still, your will for me remains a mystery.

you opened my eyes to the different sides of life,
am i supposed to see pass them or through them?
are you preparing me for them, or are you calling me to rise above these passing moments in life -
like you did on this very day two thousand years ago?

how do i see through your eyes if your ways are always so high above mine?
how do i look into my soul if half of it possesses longings, while the other half sees it?

life would have been so much simpler and more carefree if only she could stay a child forever.
she would not be wondering about love, possess that yearning to taste it, or battle the uncertainties and fears that came along with it.
she could have continued to be that free-spirited and unyielding little girl riding against the winds, self-sufficient and strong.
but she would probably know nothing about courage, fear or the depth of life.

these she realised the first time she lost the rein to her heart.
and now, she stares history in the eyes, all over again.

she met him late one night.
he was mysteriously irresistable, so different from the rest.
drawn to him by his quiet demeanor and charm, she felt she could actually fall for him as a person, and not for another person with his set of character, and she cringed at this thought of hers.

what are the chances of him not already belonging to someone else? (or perhaps to the higher powers from above?)
when others spoke about him, it would always be something nice, and she was always silently and secretly attentive.
yet the part as to whether he belonged to another, never came up.

and then he appeared, stealthily in her thoughts, without her even noticing or realising how he got in there.
the first time they met was in the day.
they met again weeks later, unarranged and impromptu, on their way home.
their random meeting then led to a trip to the library, a shared dinner and looking for a pair of shoes for him.

she was surprised that time actually passed so fast when she was with him.
and it shook her a bit when a passerby approached them to ask if they were a couple interested in going overseas together.
she was shocked not by the passerby, but rather, by the fact that she actually did not mind being teased with him.

she felt like she could be herself when she was with him, and she truly enjoyed the conversations they shared.
he knew about her fettish for astronomy, and so that night when he stayed behind to wait for her, when they somehow paused to look at the moon together in the middle of the road, she thought seriously about him for the very first time.
but how can she feel this way for him as well, when she should only have the heart for one?

this twisted irony within her - the crave for the freedom to let her imagination roam, that unknowing uncertainty which cradled her idealism, and the need for her to find out if reality and idealism can indeed share the same horizon plane in the same time frame - can they truly reconcile?
she just wasn't brave enough, both of them were simply too close, and a little too dangerous.
and her surreal glass globe of irrational hopes and dreams was simply too fragile.

yet deep down, she knew things would change with time, she would look back and have a good laugh about these incoherent thoughts of hers.
she surely will, but when?

"this's the rose from beauty and the beast? but why is it in a jar?" he asked.
"but it had always been in a jar..." she smiled.

strangely heartwarming for someone to actually know where this rose (which she held so dearly) came from... her momentarily glow ~ was this attributed to the discovery of shared knowledge, or something that had been special simply because it was this particularly someone who noticed, knew and asked?

yet the vividness and realness of what she felt in the dream the night before kept her questioning... what a torn piscean.

a thousand years (by christina perri)

heart beats fast
colors and promises
how to be brave
how can i love when I'm afraid to fall
watching you stand alone
all of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
one step closer

i have died everyday waiting for you
darling don't be afraid I have loved you
for a thousand years
i'll love you for a thousand more

time stands still
beauty in all she is
i will be brave
i will not let anything take away
what's standing in front of me
every breath
every hour has come to this
one step closer

and all along I believed I would find you
time has brought your heart to me
i have loved you for a thousand years
i'll love you for a thousand more
one step closer
one step closer

someone
sometimes
somehow
some wants
nothing.

somewhere in the middle (casting crowns)

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

waiting for life's sunset with a tear in the eye and a smile in the heart.

yet there is just something mysterious and romantic about a lonely signpost, with its promise of strangeness round the corner.

lost my way through the story,
can't find my place in the tale.
in some corners of my mind,
the scenes played.

i've watched this countless times,
endings replayed, lines memorised.
its a happy tragedy, i know.
i laughed so hard, till there were tears.

see, it hasn't left my eyes.
stuck, it hasn't moved my heart.
its a lullaby i heard?
that sealed thy soul for centuries?
or a prose by hand, long gone?

i came to meet you.
where?

you just want it all.
you run, afraid of looking back.
you don't want any regrets in your reflection,
yet you feel sad thinking about an empty memory lane.

does the guilt of hurting others frighten you?
or you're just protecting yourself a little too hard?
those "might-have-beens" replaced by the "wish-it-was"s.
let's all fly to the future and skip the "now".

if things were meant to happen, they would.
but what if this's just an excuse you overuse?
the only person who could save you is yourself,
or so you believed.

perhaps you've lived in your secluded world a little too long.
just a little too long.
but i know,
you'll still be in there for quite some time.

you've been feeling perfectly fine, for quite a while.
you see nothing wrong, and you might just wonder,
if you ever will.

mad man in the city,
he whispers to the wind.
the wind carries his words softly away,
he follows.

his mind is so far away,
he can't hear you, when you call his name.
his heart is so trapped,
its lost its way, shrouded by thickets of thistles.

he can tell you how he feels,
but he can't show you where he is.
his suffocating spirit, the dimming light in his eyes.

you pause for that moment,
you feel sorry.
these mad men in the city,
do they meet somewhere?

"amidst a pile of contradictions, what do you mean to me?
after all i've been, what should i say?
life building on decay,
decaying decadence of your love."

far far away from the human world,
little fish took a little peek from her little corner.

those vows she saw, pretty like flowers,
their petals they fade fast away.

ridding oneself of the melancholy in ones's somber, and, sobering up,
floaters undefined, floating without an anchor,
or any preferrences for directions for that matter.

余温闲暇片刻的感动，那心悸冰冷的泪。
双手抓住了的紫色碎片，幸福，却不一定握得紧。

yet, the single most fearful thing,
lies in the losing of the rein on one's heart.

for the it is easily blinded, made bold, then flies far and loses its way.

and memories then,
can be hauntingly bittersweet.

let go, said she.
she did not budge.
come, said she.
she did not want to leave.
"say something" she nudged.
but she really did not know what to say!
"don't look back, don't even look anywhere at all", she whispered.
she disappeared right beneath the water ripples.
there, she's done saying her piece.
she heard.
but she just would not let herself get too close to the river.
its easy, she thought you'd say.
but, it was just never you.
so, it was just no point at all.

the little rock on the moon, it bounced.
once, twice, thrice.
back down it fell, motionless.

silence it was in the universe,
as it had always been.

the echo, you heard?
you must have been dreaming.

or i must be the one.

太多我该做的事，太多我该关心的人，

几时才能让我有一个肩膀来依靠？

但我不要依靠我心爱的他，我不想看见他承担我的泪。

没有办法承诺把所有的时间给他，

是否就此失去了爱的资格？

或许我怕了，他人的故事总是重复着悲伤的结局。

或许我怕了，不想尝试那虚幻的甜和那真实的痛。

我不要那颗美丽的水晶，我 不舍得看它破碎。

我不要那朵白色的玫瑰，因为它必然会凋谢。

我更不要他出现，因为我会心碎。

让人别当完美主义者的自己原来，

早就放弃了童话故事里的王子。

选择了平静的自己，是否其实不够勇敢？

欣然地一人走着的我，是否豁达过了头？

ride me away, or swing me on a wave.
bring me far, want to run from it all.
 
in my mind is my heart, and in my nothing is my all.
your word i hold, its you i know.

see the seeds of the wheat, how in the wind they sway!
and the weeds of the field, how careless they grow?

our tomorrow had always been a dream,
the mirage of us on that horse, will always stay a dream.

the look in your eyes is beginning to fade,
and the world is quietly becoming silent once again.

its all been done before,
who... are... you?

fish often wonder if its truly possible to live life without questioning one's sense of purpose, meaning and one's ultimate creator. because to fish, these questions come so naturally and her need to find the answers just kept her seeking.

functionalistic theories of the good, bad and the in-betweens

on the very day human beings were bestowed with the gift of free will, the fundamental equality and order became a lost cause. inherent survival need - governing the interests of self above all others - was simply too convenient and tempting an excuse to be used to extract oneself from his or her guilt consciously or subconsciously.

there is no doubt in little fish's mind that nice people exist. but she also believes that more baddies walk on this earth than the goody people. nonetheless, earth to her is still predominated by the in-betweens. stuck in this sense of in-betweeness, many tried to pledge their allegiance to one side, only to find that the single constancy in life is but a struggle maintaining that idealistic allegiance in their minds. some took on this struggle consciously, some attempted to evade it. and others petended they didn't exist.

Indescribable (Chris Tomlin)

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to it's light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

wake up.
lie no further.

the day is here where you realises
that life itself is the pilgrimage that leads us to our creator.

the day where meanings unfurl,
and the beauty of nature unravels itself,
is the very day where you finally open your eyes to see what He is showing you.

He, the one who had loved us before the very beginning of the world,
and,
before the very beginning of time.

He,
is my Lord.

what awaits an existentialist at the end of her journey?
what makes of those legacies she fought so hard to leave behind?
what happens when the big picture never gets any clearer even though she tried so hard to see it?
what happens if she found the answers she was always looking for but gets lost thereafter not knowing what to seek next?
because no matter what she seeks, both the wait and the getting of an answer wears her down?

the wide ocean she once belonged,
she longs for it because its deep like there's no end to it.
she longs for it because she can hide.
perhaps at the end of the day,
she only longs for it so that she may keep on lying to herself.
where is she?
will she only ever be found when she stops looking?

where is she?
she's lost me.
and i, her.

Family Tree by Matthew West

You didn't ask for this
Nobody ever would
Caught in the middle of this dysfunction
It's your sad reality
It's your messed up family tree
And all your left with all these questions

Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was?
Do you have to carry what they've handed down?

No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

I have a dream for you
It's better than where you've been
It's bigger than your imagination
You're gonna find real love
And you're gonna hold your kids
You'll change the course of generations

No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

Cause you're my child
You're my chosen
You are loved
You are loved

And I will restore
All that was broken
You are loved
You are loved

And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're brining new life to your family tree now
Yes you are
You are

No, this will be your legacy
This will be your destiny
Yesterday did not define you
No, this will be your legacy
This will be your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're brining new life to your family tree now

stranger-than-random rumblings-in-a-bubble entry

if only all watches stay un-waterproof, then fish would never be bothered by the notion of time her little ocean. yet one day some genius just had to invent waterproof watches. and so now her world is no longer timeless. the want for par excellence is simply weighing fish down. down. down. she can't breathe. she feels her lungs filling up with water, and she is sinking deeper and deeper into the ocean - she can't see! yet strangely, that gave her a little tiny sense of relief. for she is afterall, a fish. and fish breathe with their gills, not lungs.

looking through the lancet arch, what might one wish to see? for life is afterall not meant to be understood, its meant to be lived. hmmm... be lived.

into the deep waters fish swims so deep, she wonders if any fish will ever know how to reach her? ... are you my conscience? iridescence.

on mind reading. fish thinks that her mind says....

"you still don't understand, olivia, we're not supposed to know what other people think." hmmm....

see, you're not supposed to know what other people think in their minds that they don't wish for you to know, yet there also exists a dozen unspoken thoughts in their very same minds which they'd be happy if you knew. hasn't this always been part of the defining criteria for a soulmate anyway? rather contradictory creatures, fish would say. essentially, to be understood encompasses both the aspects of being empathised with as well as being mindfully-read by another, no?

one may feel distanced from the entire world when no thoughts of his or hers could be read by another unless explicitly stated. yet, some laments the fact that others could read them like a book. so, tell me again funny humans, how would you like yours to be read? from the left, right or the centre?

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

recently, some gentle currents of troubled waters prompted fish to do some reflection on faith, hope and love.

love put into action is but trying to see through the eyes of those who love us and through the eyes of those whom we love. to experience love is more than feeling the emotions that stir one's heart. because true love endures, it encompasses self-sacrifice, both ideally and practically.

to learn to love someone who loves us, we have to first begin to genuinely love ourselves, and to love ourselves means so much more than indulging ourselves, it sometimes involve us saying 'no' to ourselves. as contradicting as it may seem, at times somehow, the depth of our love is actually proportional to the intensity of consciousness and painfulness in each and every decision-making step we take in our lives.

to find the light at the end of the tunnel, we need hope to take our first step, faith to keep us going when we lose sight of the light and eventually each struggle we make along the way will then testify to our love.

the journey of life was never about the beginning and the end - it has always been about the 'getting there'. life's meaning and purpose was never meant to be figured out - one needs to seek it.

at times when i run out of words, i like to paint a picture.
in this picture, i see a sea.
in the sea, lies a bottle, and in the bottle lies a little note.

"start somewhere, anywhere, then learn, to move on. at the sea, we feel lost when we lose our anchor. some spend a lifetime wishing they'd find back that exact spot where they lost their anchors and realise that they never really will. some find it hard to swim against the currents and lose their strength. and some learn to find the faith and the hope to believe in the sea, that its currents will bring them ashore one day, so that they may start life anew, somewhere. the sea of time heals, only if you allow it to. its alright to not swim against it, but stay afloat, no matter how hard it gets, and believe that you will find the shore you truly belong to one day, someday."

for what is hope, but something free, yet something that brings strength to those who refuse to let it go? and what is faith but not seeing, yet believe?

caching of the witty vibrassie,
heads notched on a starboard.
the witty vibrasse swayed,
back down, a trickling sensation entailed curtailment,
as the mob of the hollow tribe embarked on the quest for the crystal of nothingness,
so did missings of the endearing misgivings ensued.

"no matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always gotten there first and is waiting for it."
yet,
"who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light?"
"the only necessary for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing."
for where darkness is, light can exists, yet where light is found, there is no room for darkness.

the fallacy you once tried to believe in, and the truth you constantly evaded;
they return to haunt you yet again.
no effort put into running, you stood your ground.
no, you can't face the sun, yet the dark cave you abhor!

when then, will your insufficiencies crumble beneath your feet?
when then, will your desires cease to tangle your soul?
when then, will you ever find rest and feel naught and naught?

when then, can you be yours and yours alone?
till then, i shall long for that i no longer longs for.

recently, our dreamy little fish was enchanted by both taylor swift and adam young's enchanting fairytale and their 'enchanted' love song that she's inspired to try writing a song for someone whom she truly felt very strongly for once upon a time.... a long long time ago :) so here goes.

Just yOu being nice

your warm Smile was like tHe gentle sun
You made me feel safe tO fall when yoU're around
though you could never really sing, but if i ever had a guitar
you'd be the reason why it got Wet

i usEd to stand by the window sill,
wishing you'd know how i feel
but i foRgot to makE the one moRe wish
that you'll fEel the sAme for me

but you’re just being nice, way too nice, so nice you meLt my heart
and you're perfect, what more could i say
when its Like You walked out from my dreams?
but fairytales don’t just happeN In life
Cos i'm not thE one who caught your eyes
even though you were the one who caught mine

these scary feelings i've ever had
for the first time in my life
i tried so hard just to pretend
that you're like my any other friend

But each time yoU smile
my guard just falls and somehow i can'T say no
i wonder iF you truly knew how hArd it was
when i told you i'd be strong

but you’re just being nice, way too nice, so nice you meLt my heart
and you're perfect, what more could i say
when its Like you walked out from my dreams?
but faIrytales don’t just happeN in life
cos i'm not the one who cauGht your eyes
even though you were the one who caught mine

when you told me you don't think you'll ever Fall
i dOn't know how i should feel
but when i found out you actually did
i wondeRed if You've lied because yOu were just being nice

i jUst wish that one day you’d know
that i was never really strong
but when i see otHers needing you, i jUst had to be
and its alRight, i'm okay, so don'T worry about me
i'll move on, on my own, aS promised, i will be strong

cos fairytales don’t just happen in life
and i'm not the one who caught your eyes (even though you were the one who’ve caught mine)

one day, fish simply decides to write a song for some very interesting fishes who swim pass her waters... (currently)

like the way you cycled to the shelter where i'm at,
the way you'd just sit on the floor it feels like 'welcome home'
the quiet and reserved side of yours, like you're somewhat deep in thoughts
or maybe you're just like me who gets lost easily in one of those daydream episodes

cos' its a nice feeling to see you drive by the same old path.
so say hi and wave at me each time you pass me by

there's a one-sided tacit understanding that we'd never really go that far
still your backview from down the same old road feels warm and familiar


the thing's you probably won't notice all these flashing across my mind,
as i ask you serious questions linked with some distant faraway theories
and the thing is you'll probably never find out - beneath the tacit understanding
that the weather here's unpredictable, like the way you sense to me

cos' its a nice feeling to see you drive by the same old path.
so say hi and wave at me each time you pass me by

there's a one-sided tacit understanding that we'd never really go that far
still your backview from down the same old road feels warm and familiar...

 

the shoes are tight - they're not quite right
for her feet they do not fit
so why can't she swim instead?

the fields are green and wide
the feeling's just about right
can she stay? but will the magic stay?
her heart too, will it fly one day?

can not she run wild?
and get lost without a care?
can not the knots untie by themselves?
and the mind truly be freed?

let this smile of hers stay a little longer
and her imagination run a little further
let her be where she will
let her be who she sees

would time pause for her if she sings,
that little carefree fish! her prelude!
her epilogue and prologue,
of the story of a childish fish.

.... amidst her thick pile of notes, and inspired by a place she really wants to go, fish 'escapes' a little while and pens down her new composition of yet another song! (just the lyrics though, she'll have the tune one day, another day.)

song title: there.

if i built a tent in the middle of nowhere, would you come find me there?
would you knock on my door if i should hide and would you have waited if i was away?
would you have stayed and watch with me the surreal lights,
splash across the northern skies, singing a tune of hope so melodiously?
would you then believe in miracles, and find the strength to leap and plunge?

there you can still ride your stallion
while i walk
and i will dance in the rain
while you watch
as long as you are there with me,
everything feels so safe

maybe you had already built your tent before i mine
should i then look for you there instead?
and what if i should realise you are really there?

and things become clear like the waters and i can no longer hide?
perhaps by then you'd have ceased to remember how to spell fairytale,
or long for the existence of that distant dream.


where you can still ride your stallion
while i walk
and i will dance in the rain
while you watch
as long as you are there with me,
everything feels so safe

if i had kept your warmth in my pockets
i would not have felt this bitter cold
if you were here with me now
i would never have let you go
if only you could have held my hands once again in yours
then i would find my faith and believe in love once more

you can still ride your stallion
while i walk
and i will dance in the rain
while you watch
as long as you are there with me,
everything feels so safe

as long as you are there with me,
there feels so right and love seems so real

Down (Jason Walker)

I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

Not ready to let go
Cause then I'd never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Oh I am going down, down, down
Can’t find another way around
And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
I never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Oh it’s coming down, down, down.

a song fish loves.
(to the sky by owl city)

Shipwreck in the sea of faces,
There's a dreamy world up there,
Dear friends in higher places,
Carry me away from here,

Travel light let the sun eclipse you,
'Cause your flight is about to leave,
And there's more to this brave adventure,
Than you'd ever believe,

Birdseye view, awake the stars 'cause they're all around you,
Wide eyes will always brighten the blue,
Chase your dreams, and remember me, speak bravery,
Because after all those wings will take you, up so high,
So bid the forest a fond goodbye, as you brace the wind and,
Take to the sky, (you take to the sky)

On the hills of lore and wonder,
There's a stormy world up there,
You can't whisper above the thunder,
But you can fly anywhere,
Purple burst of paper birds this,
Picture paints a thousand words,
So take a breath of mist and mystery,
And don't look back!

Birdseye view, awake the stars 'cause they're all around you,
Wide eyes will always brighten the blue,
Chase your dreams, and remember me, speak bravery,
Because after all those wings will take you, up so high,
So bid the forest a fond goodbye, as you brace the wind and,
Take to the sky, (you take to the sky)

There's a realm above the trees, (where the lost are fnally found)
So touch your feathers to the breeze! (leave the crowd!)

Birdseye view, awake the stars 'cause they're all around you,
Wide eyes will always brighten the blue,
Chase your dreams, and remember me, speak bravery,
Because after all those wings will take you, up so high,
So bid the forest a fond goodbye, as you brace the wind and,

Take to the sky, (you take to the sky)

of human and fishes

when one finds oneself in a world where others want to be cared for more than to care, one can only try to care for as many, with as much strength he or she has. yet if care and understanding were mutual, would not the effect be synergistic rather than draining? rather than getting lost in a frenzy of self-justification and self-righteousness, would not being thankful for one is still bestowed with the means to care be a better way out? for all we know, the world may just end tomorrow and whatever we are fighting for would seem foolish and wasted.

yet its all back to controlling one's negative and self-righting thoughts and not allowing them to consume his or her heart. as with one not letting fear stop him or her from doing what he or she knows is right and to prevent the thought that 'everything is too late' from impeding one's decision to change. fish firmly believes that human beings are genuinely far from being wise enough to never make a single mistake in judgement their whole life, so when its time to doubt yourself about the absence of alternatives, doubt it. when its time to let god take the steering wheel, let go.

fish hopes her positive thoughts will always triumph and that she'll always know what is truly right, not in the myopic eyes of human beings but of the ways of her god of love.

Fragile

(Delta Goodrem)

Six thoughts at once I can't focus on one
Seven days a week but my life has just begun
So caught in emotion and I'm overcome
As I'm falling down I come undone

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone
Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong
Sometimes I feel so frail so small
Sometimes I feel vulnerable
Sometimes I feel a little fragile
A little fragile

In six thousand years what will this mean
Words from the heart or a melody
So caught in emotion and I'm overcome
As I'm falling down I come undone

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone
Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong
Sometimes I feel nothing at all
Sometimes I feel vulnerable
Sometimes I feel a little fragile
A little fragile

If people can see right through my eyes
Like an open door that I can't disguise
I won't be afraid from the tears I cry
I'll not run I'll not hide this is how I feel inside
A little fragile
A little fragile

If people can see right through my eyes.

fish wish she could take some words lighter sometimes. she wonders why there's such a high tendency of some to just blurt out not so encouraging words, rather than keeping silent. she understands that to those who comments some stuff, a comment may just be a comment and hence is to be brushed off lightly, but one really does not need to be perfect in singing or dancing or screaming or taking photographs or playing the piano or doing anything before one does all that right? and the main point is.... fish never even asked for any opinions to begin with? when one feels like it, why can't one just do it (whether one is good or bad at it) without having people commenting on him or her, whether he or she can or cannot do it? what is the point of only doing things they you feel you like and are good enough in them? she'd never want any of her friends to think that way. fish wishes all her friends can try any skills or arts they are interested in, whether they can or cannot do well in them.

she wishes them to enjoy all these wonderful and beautiful hobbies. while fish has friends who can't sing extremely well, she will encourage them to sing and she will sing along with them (if she knows the songs). while fish has friends whom differ in skills-level in photos-taking, she still admires their passion in taking each shot equally. but why are some friends of hers not able to do the same? perhaps fish does take words from certain friends whom she values slightly harder than the rest. she understands how or why her friend may have said some stuff, whether consciously or unawarely, and she still loves her friends for she does not forget every bit of nice little things they did for her.

perhaps god gave us many many friends because everyone is simply too different, so one can't be everything perfect to another. there are friends who are extremely encouraging and positive when one needs a shoulder and a listening ear while there are friends who have a lot of exposure to many things when one needs a solid advicer. and there are also friends who can play with you and not mind if you are perfect in what you play, as well as friends who really spend a lot of time in studying a certain skill-set when one wants to learn more.

friendship can only be strengthened when both friends choose to focus on the nice and supporting memories and learn to accept the tiny flaws in each other. positive energy is a requirement to keep fish believing in fairytales. she thanks god for every single one of her unique friend and they are all very precious to her. :)

"the other side is much brighter, i promise."

"which other side? the side that does not exist?"

"but before i was here, i was there."

"then leave me and return. i see no bright side."

"if you only would open your heart."

Andrea Bocelli... Con Te Partiro

When I'm alone I dream on the horizon
and words fail; yes, I know there is no light
in a room where the sun is absent, if you are not with me.

At the windows show everyone my heart
which you set alight; enclose within me
the light you encountered on the street.

I'll go with you, to countries I never
saw and shared with you now, yes, I shall experience them.
I'll go with you on ships across seas
which, I know no, no ,exist no longer;
with you I shall experience them.

When you are far away I dream on the horizon
and words fail, and, yes, I know that you are with me;
you, my moon, are here with me,
my sun, you are here with me.

I'll go with you to countries I never
saw and shared with you, now, yes, I shall experience them.
I'll go with you on ships across seas
which, I know, no, no, exist no longer;
with you I shall experience them again.

I'll go with you on ships across the seas
which, I know, no, no, exist no longer;
with you I shall experience them again.
I'll go with you, I with you.

there was once a little girl.

there was once a little girl who wanted so strongly to believe that the light would definitely reach the darkest of the darkest region one day. she firmly believed so as this was the only way people can draw strength to live on. hope. then she met another soul who clouded himself in such complete darkness she became scared. she's never seen anyone else who's world was this dark and she wished so much to bring him to the brighter side. yet she does not know how. though she's seen people from both worlds and she lives in the brighter world  herself, but he had spent too long a time in the dark that he has lost his belief in light altogether. what should she do? gloominous hopelessness is so infectious, its creating wounds at such an alarming rate, so fast that love could not heal the wounds in time. happiness spread, but they end so fast. hope. was she wrong? hope. how to show it to him before he convinced her that her world does not exist and that they are both in the dark world together actually? no. she is surely right about the light. she just need more candles around her to convince him. more candles. more warmth.

lyric-ing attempt 2

one day you will wonder.

verse 1
see, the world you live in isn't coloured
be intrigued, or, be filled with apathy
you found a sense of loss and lost your sense of keeping
oh, what a pity!

chorus
and one day you'll just wonder
so this day you just ponder
tomorrow may be different
but you're just the same

verse 2
you tread on cos the crowd pushed you along
you can't hide among the crowd (you can't hide)
not when the street's filled with people like you (just like you)
isn't this funny!
*chorus

verse 3
tried to be unique or extremily plain
tried to be funny and end up with tears welling
what's the point of purpose, what's the real bewilderment?
think too much, too much.
*chorus

bridge
and so you keep on thinking if you are thinking that you are thinking
and then you stop dreaming to see if you are really dreaming
and you'll be filled with nothing except fairly confusing concludings and...

and one day you'll just wonder
so this day you just ponder
tomorrow may be different
but you're just the same, just the same

inspired by a show fish recently watched, she decided to try some lyric-ing. :)

existing, you.

missing the missing through others' eyes

and piecing the pieces in others' minds

linking the distant us in a distance, i'm looking for you

tearing the pages of looking back

weaving the thin threads of a clouded mind

enduring the pursue for the distant wish, i'm finding you

a running mad hatter on forbidden tracks

after the fading scent of missing you

like a butterfly that has never landed, i'm chasing you

into the abyss of forgotten souls

trying to fill my non-existing heart

losing the strength and hope of holding on, i'm letting you go

the round crescent and the autumn snow

finiting the never ending timelessness,

now i'm wanting your existence and so i'm dreaming of you

why do one often find things looking nice and simple when one looks at the surface, but once one decided to ply and look beneath, each layer gets uglier and ever more complicated? what would the last and final core be like then? would one know? or rather, would one ever want to know?

here's a story i want to tell.

here's a story i am telling.

here's a story i've just told.

here, its your turn. what's your story?

while trying to rush out an assignment report, i tried catching the last few episodes of tvb 强剑, in between my breaks, and, i was simply appalled by its ending. appalled enough for me to pen down my complaints here. really rare for a rather loyal tvb fan like me. but the ending is simply too much. *warning: emotional entry.

强剑: do NOT watch the final episode if you haven't. (the other episodes are great)

the final episode simply KILLED the whole series of 强剑 totally. totally. my goodness. i was about to rank it as one of my favourite series until i watched the last episode. and i totally wished it had just ended at any other earlier episodes, anyone of them will do. SERIOUSLY. i don't get what the scripwriter is thinking? everything from episode 1-19 was entertaining and fun to watch and the last episode is like jaw drop times ten. make it times hundred. the worst worst feeling i've ever gotten from a tvb drama.

成风 and 荆磊 taking the death of 莫问（司马雪）so lightly is simply??!!!北堂傲 exploding is ???!!!! the musical is another ????!!!!! and the worse of them all is 成风 marrying 水灵. really. ??????!!!!!!!!!!. that totally IS IT. i HATE it when such a good casting simply went to waste cos of a ?????!!!!!!!! script???!!!! argh. totally pissed off. how can tvb do this to its loyal fan. *hurt. totally. lose faith + feels cheated.

how can 成风 go with 水灵 and not 北堂紫珑?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!. irritated. totally. how can they waste a series like this with such great potential??????????!!!!!!!!!!!! kns. argh. seriously kns. its like i had SO MUCH LIKING for this series and the ending simply made me regret to even begin watching this whole show in the first place and getting attached to the characters. pissed off. argh. :( i think i can continue working on my report for a quite a while since the final episode simply made me very... ????!!!!!.

can they please remake the last episode and brand it as 'the other ending'? i will gladly go and buy that episode's vcd, seriously. just remake it. really. how can tvb do this to me? :( i dun even want to put its picture here lest i get reminded of the ????!!!!! ending. seriously.

the wily fox, a quiet dog and a circling eagle.


the wily fox strolled alongside the wooden fence, while the silent dog sat and watched.
the wily fox pondered about the silent dog, its eyes seem to hide more than what they revealed.
the silent dog followed its gaze, letting nothing slip.
all these while the eagle circled the sky, capturing everything, and nothing.
everything and nothing.

the owl closes its eyes. night falls.
tame the peacock, raise the dove.

find the eagle, ride the wind.

好像缺了一块 再拼不回来
再不存在 比空白更空白
每一次我想起来 其实你都还在
蓝色悲哀 流过我的静脉
我不要爱我不要爱 可是我离不开 
假面的告白 不坦白的坦白
你不会爱你不会爱 你只爱接受爱
眼睛睁不开 看不到未来 也哭不出来

被时间活埋 从盛开到腐坏然后爱
从洁白到苍白 从苍白到尘埃
我想离开我想离开 可是我还期待 
假面的告白 对自己不坦白
你不会爱你不会爱 你害怕接受爱
把两手张开 抓不到未来
抓不到未来 有你的未来

好像碎了一块 再补不回来
再不存在 比空白更空白
每一次我想起来 其实你都还在
浓的悲哀 化不开

a white rose sat, elegantly on her table.
she looks at the rose,
t'was faintly scented
she loved it.

it was such a simple white rose,
it may not be grand nor brightly coloured,
it may not be costly nor unobtainable,
but it was a special rose nonetheless.

a rose that tells her what she already knew,

that a child will always have a special place

in her mother's heart.

the girl in the yellow raincoat.

pitter patter, titter tatter, slitter slatter, drip and drop.
one step two steps, three steps four steps,
the small lady hops amongst the tiny raindrops.


flitter flatter flutter flotter,
with each step, water splashes.
splitter splatter splutter splotter.
she smells the rain, she feels the rain.

she flings her little umbrella to the greyish skies,
and her little hoodie to the back of her mind,
along with the little nagging troubles.

round the lamp post stand,
she swirled and spun.
beneath the dark gloomy clouds,
she wished she could run.

somewhere faraway,
where she'd always be able to fit,
into this little yellow raincoat of hers,
and never outgrow it.

though time is timeless,
the little girl is not.
sizzle sazzle, suzzle sozzle,
the rain gentled...

beneath the waning moon.

beneath the waning moon,

there i sat, still as the creepers climbing up the tree.
there the leaves swayed, by the night's cool breeze,
there the wind wept, moved by the silent moon.
there the glistening shimmer of your reflection lay,
in that flowing river, out, to the horizon.
there you stood, not knowing my gaze.

once, i wondered if you are really there,
then i awake to find the tears still here.

"and because love is subjective, you can define it as anything; hence nothing is correct and nothing is wrong. and so in short, if you believe in love, you believe in nothing..."

  full time philosopher for hire. anyone? abstractology = fruit of excessive thinkingnism.

so, why beauty and the beast and not any other fairytales?

because it wasn't love at first sight for once?

 because neither the life nor the consciousness of the lady hinged on a kiss?

 because looks and possesion became secondary?

because it took more courage and strength to let go than to pursue or to hold on?

because it went deeper than appearance?

because they saw each other, knew each other, and found each other. 

because it entailed the essential spirit of true love - self sacrifice.

yet why prince and not beast? the looks?

but he was not born a beast, but a prince who eventually found his true self through her. 

and she was a lady who was brave enough to dream, to seek, and to love.

 

a tale

as old as time.

"but you can't say to the rain, more rain, and the sun, more sun."

"you said you dreamt that we'd grow old together."
"and we did..."

why, dreams.

slips away, slipped away, the pages she had meant to write.
into the depths of her mind, the ink resides.
she's forgotten when and she's forgotten where,
the drawer where her book and pen lie.

countless the times she tried to write.
to look through the glass window to find her soul.
she cannot remember though she tries, at least not all, she guesses.
what's gone is gone, those fleeting thoughts!
that irritatingly slippery concepts which refused another moment.

time is a scary thief, for what it steals you can never retrieve.
one can cheat death, tempt fate, or climb a tower
but one can't go on, move back or replay hours

and hence human learnt what sadness is
what one can't control and yet one can lose
the tears of human, a drop or two?
shed for all times and for old.

sheds but till one's heart is dead.
cold and alive, yet still and dead.

cold and alive, yet still and dead.

and so one fine day, while little fish was gliding through some coral reefs, she heard some strange waves of sound... strange, yet interesting, little fish can't help but smile as she listens.

A: so, do you really believe in true love, dreamer? are you really trying to find that special someone? do you think that that someone truly exists?

B: hmm... would this be an afterthought to watching 'everything you want'? abby and seale? hahz, perhaps you're not that different yourself afterall you know, apart from seale appearing more visually real than that someone you're dreaming into life.

A: you seem to be avoiding my question. do you not have an answer?

B: do you, then? what then about quinn? and if seale really happen to exist? and if he and abby happen to meet one day? just a side point, so does quinn or seale appeal to you more?

A: don't you think that its somewhat interesting how people often say reality hurts and so do dreams and yet can't help but still have them, and then go out of their way to make them into reality?

B: you know, you still have not answered any of my questions?

A: neither have you. :)