you caught my eyes from amongst the stars and you didn't know...

In a perfect world
One we've never known
We would never need to face the world alone

They can have the world
We'll create our own
I may not be brave or strong or smart
But some where in my secret heart

I know
Love will find a way
Any where we go
I'm home
If you are there beside me

Like dark turning into day
Some how we'll come through
Now that I've found you
Love will find a way

I was so afraid
Now I realize
Love is never wrong
And so it never dies

There's a perfect world
Shining in your eyes
And if only they could feel it too
The happiness I feel with you

They'd know
Love will find a way
Any where we go
we're home
If we are there together

Like dark turning into day
Some how we'll come through
Now that I've found you
Love will find a way

I know love will find a way

recently a friend of mine told me something that got me thinking a bit... how good a person is also means how bad the person can get... hmm... so how bad a person is probably also means how good the person can be then?... something like how much your intensity of loving someone equals the capacity you can hate him/her in return? in any case, is it better to start being bad or good first? can someone really be good from the start till the end? as in really really good to everyone that kind... how do you know if you are being nice because of habit or really being nice because you want to be nice? won't a good person ever get tired of being nice and stop or like meet with some drastic changes in life to become extremely bad?dunno. i think good or evil is just a thin line away. thinking something bad but not executing it... does it necessary mean we are less evil? is there somewhat a link between being yourself and being self-centered? is there a connection between living for others and putting others before yourself? can we genuinely do that? its like what if one day you were to choose between your life and maybe the lives of 20 other random ppl you don't know when you just found the one right for you? what if the choice was between the life of your true love and the 20 other random ppl you can choose to save? greater good? or be selfish?

... brings me to the discussion of the definition of love. like a scenario where you can love someone so much that you are willing to forgo your own life for that person and then one sudden day when you realised that you are betrayed by the person and you can refuse to forgive that same person for the rest of your life? same person... different timings and thus fate. does love include forgiving? or simply at the end of the day, everyone still love themselves the most? hmm hmm.

sometimes fate, timing and chance are really really crucial to people-people relationship in general and yup friendship too. you can spend lots and lots of time with someone without understanding him/her. you can also spend very little time and know someone a lot. it all depends on how much and how long it takes for both the person and you yourself to open up i guess? it also depends on a lot on how trusting both sides can be? if both sides are the kinds that will trust only if the other side trust him/her first then it will be a long long wait.

for me, the best way to understand anyone is through asking about the feelings and thoughts on certain things that has happened, is happening or will happen. rather than taking it personal. its a fine thin line and i don't deny that taking some things personal might be a much faster method just that it just doesn't feel right for me to just say things that might cause some bad feelings if the person involved hears about it. somehow talking about experience and events in general seems more ethical? lol. dunno lah.

perhaps i was never too good with words so i like playing games and cracking lame jokes more? as in there is clear winning and losing and no one gets hurt in person in any way and everyone will have fun... so why not? when you play somehow you don't have to guard against anyone psychologically too... so its relaxing in general?

but then again, i realised that a lot of people especially nowadays like to test the amount of trust and closeness of each other through talking about a third person in general. its like if you happen to be able to talk about another person with your friend, it shows that you are somewhat closer to him/her than the person whom the two of you are talking about? it seems quite harmless as long as the person being the topic doesn't hear anything about it... but i just can't put my finger to where it seems wrong to me?? but its really quite tiring to know where to draw the line to give your opinions on anyone in particular. trying hard not to hurt yet maintain a amiable relationship with friends who bring up the topic... not easy... at all.

opening up somehow also depends on which position and place you are to each other... once the position is clear, lotsa stuff are so much easier? i realised most of us are actually really not bad at hiding our silent observations and thoughts about others. that's one thing. a lot of us can really be good silent observers and impress at the right time when the occasion calls for it. that's another. dunno whether that's a good thing or not?

wonder if you ever had friends who like you a lot and can play with and have so much fun with and somehow you like them but you just know deep down you are different? and there's another group where you know that you simply are the same deep down and yet find it so hard to open to each other and get close to? maybe because of some ideologies shared that are simply far too similar. how contradicting? but maybe its just timing and fate. having a common beginning helps much. really.

the road to the journey seems to be never-ending before it even begun. can you see where this leads to? do you even know where will we all go? and where will we end up? but if we don't begin, we'll never know? does this even matter?

the wait seems long though i know some things need some time. i hope i will not be tired of waiting one day. the guesses we make seem tough though i know it may just be me thinking too much. the thoughts running through seems too heavy though i know i can't just stop... even if i wanted to.

maybe we are just afraid of spoiling the present. maybe we are perfectionists after fairytales. maybe we just don't know whether we are right. maybe we are all just waiting for the right time. maybe the time will never come even if we continue to wait. maybe we lacked the courage to take the neccessary ventures. maybe we just don't like to risk to hurt ourselves. maybe its just me. maybe, maybe, there are just too many maybes.

recently a friend told me that a person's heart can be very big. hmmm.... maybe? but i personally don't quite think its possible to love 2 persons at the same time? at least i don't think i can do this? there should only be enough room for one? like if there is someone you already like but then another very nice person like you too what would you do? it probably depends on the whether you are someone who needs to be loved more... an idealist or not.


then i recalled i had quite a long argument with this friend of mine who insisted the duke of mountdeer wei xiao bao loves all his 7 wives and it is possible. but i seriously find he is not loving them... if there's really someone in his heart that is so important how can he love another or like a few more others? dunno leh... feels a bit wierd. haiz. but then again if you think of it as like a person moving on after failed relationships, it seems very possible to in fact love more than one person in your life... is it possible that you really may not be the right one for the one you think is right for you?

but my friend also said that sometimes the person you end up with may not be the one you love the most.... ??? so complicated... like i understand when she said friendship is forever and relationship is not but??? how can you be with the person whom you know that you might not like the most? like not very fair??? dunno. maybe i am too idealistic and not practical le... maybe i haven't met with such a problem yet... but to me for now, my ideal relationship is still one where both sides love each other equally much... hmmm hmmm.

at times seriously feel like i am enjoying my busy life but then its also kind of feel so "living for others" like that leh... dunno why. like as in i am still pretty much being myself around others but i don't have enough time to myself... you know like doing some things e.g. painting or arranging photos or doing handicrafts for my friends myself... like that whole me-time thing is gone... argh. feel so !@#$%^ cos i dunno who to blame. so the feeling is super irritating... argh!!!! i have to resort to writing diary in between hectic schedule which is like....... !@#$ argh again!!!

STARDUST ~ a must watch movie. its the kind of fairytale where i will give up anything for. probably any other person would too... too perfect and idealistically, hopelessly romantic. one which will melt you and sweeps you over and over and over and over literally. slightly depressing thing is there probably won't be a second part or some sort? but yet what can you say about eternal love? robert de neiro rocks mannnn... two thumbs up and i really salute him. michelle pfeiffer... plain beautiful? rocks la. just go watch.

things become more comfortable when they are left to develop at their own pace. serendipity really makes things simpler i guess? when there are no wants, there are no burdens and when there are no wishes, there are no waits... got caught in a song - at the beginning with you...

i'll be there when the world stops turning
i'll be there when the storm is through
in the end i wanna be standing at the beginning with you

initially i was thinking... how come the person is only there when everything is over... like what happens during the storm and when the world was turning?

i guess he is there all along and remained there till the end...

no one told me i was going to find you
unexpected what you did with my heart
when i lost hope you were there to
remind me this is the start

we were strangers starting out on a journey
never dreaming what we have to go through
now here we are and i'm suddenly standing
at the beginning with you

i knew there was somebody somewhere

you'll know when you know. sometimes some things we really can't help it and we can't stop it either. is it really true that finding someone who loves you more than you love him/her is happier than finding someone who loves you less than you loving him/her? is it possible to find someone who loves you equally much as you love him/her and for who you are and not who they want you to become?

some people like to quantise love. others try to rationalise and logicalise it. i am part of those who idealise it. i always hope to find it naturally and let it grow under the most ordinary circumstance. i wish it will be strong, pure and eternal - who doesn't? serendipity - how often? some look for it while others await it patiently. some wants it but doesn't believe in its existence. you? i believe and i hope i will continue to believe in it.

its just the question of meeting the right one? are you the right one for the one you feel is right for you?

can the hassle and bustle of mundane life really tone dull true love? if intensity of feelings can really be maintained, why do we keep hearing so often that things before and after marriage are totally different; attitudes change and flavours become blender? the reason you like someone so much is because you haven't been able to find any possible replacement yet? or simply, eventually everyone still love themselves the most?

whats your take on love? may have found the right person? may have thought so cos haven't found another more suitable one? are you the right one? serendipity? seeking or waiting?

will memories be as sweet if you get to relieve them over and over again?
will things stay the same or very much change?

does our mind rules our heart or our feelings rule our thoughts?
thinking too much?
can these be controlled? by anything?
will this be transient?


human heart is a simple structure that's difficult to understand

prone to invisible breakage and injury,
may heal and mend itself in time or may not?
may skip a beat or two or beat non-stop,

it knows what the mind does not and things are worse when the mind thinks too much. where's my terabithia?

lots of happenings and thoughts throughout these weeks. at times feel like writing them here but just can't seem to find the time to :( its a bliss to be busy and fill your life with stuff to the neck... but it is really tiring at time... its only when you walked to the end of your life and then look back that you probably will be glad to have something to look back to, to remember and to think about... i guess?

how do one age gracefully? how does one know if he or she has enough memories to keep them company when they are old? can one live on memories alone? ever watched a show where a man met with an accident that damaged his brain and he was only able to retain his memory for a day i.e. he will forget whatever that has happened the day before when he wakes up each morning... so he managed to do a lot of bad things because he can "remind" or fake memories basically lie to himself and forget that fact.

then in 50 first dates, where the same situation happened to the girl but at least hers was a happy ending. though if this was really the case, does anything matter? as in everything won't be important if we will forget it eventually... what if i forget the people whom i don't want to forget? what if i forget every beautiful, the happy memories in my whole life one day all of a sudden? what will happen when i am old?


its sad to realise a change in attitude and and sadder when you know there's nothing you can do to make lives for your loved ones better. helpless but true.... i wish...

maybe letting go is a release when all the memories left behind are still beautiful - but how can one ever bear to?

its interesting how people see the same thing. there are 2 types of observant people according to my friend; one that simply observe and then do something while another just simply observe and wait for things to come to him/her... "leng3 yan3 pang2 guan1". (u see we both know a friend of the latter.)
but in my opinion there are actually 3 types of people:

- one that genuinely loves playing games (i mean any sorts but not the mean kind if you understand)- one that only like playing at what he/she is good at or with another person who is better than he/she so that they can learn new strategies and tatics from (kaoz. so scary lah!!! i simply thought playing is supposed to be for fun "seriously"!)

- and finally one that doesn't really like certain games but will still play along (my friend says this is called gentleman-ness but i mean its no doubt nice of the person to play along, but i still find it'll be nicer if they like and truly enjoy the games they are playing and not simply play just to pei4 he4)

things seem so much easier for people to work together when there's a common goal or belief in general... something that we all share or even do. it also help to have a group of enthusiasts to liven up the surrounding spirits :)

people can take very different views too... i just realise not everyone sees "communication" the way i do. i always thought it meant talking whatever things that you feel like talking about? as in like heartfelt rather than formulated speech?! but i was amazed when my friend managed to give me a lesson (practically) on the art of communication as in she even gave me scenarios-based questions so i can practice on how to start topics related to it? dunno to laugh or applaud her. but i gotta say she's generally real chatt-able person.

somehow still find it easier to talk in general to girls than guys for me.... i guess probably guys brains simply work very different from mine? or i think maybe cos i dun have any older brothers to talk to since young? like you just dunno what topics to talk about?! catch no waves lah.... and girls' signals are so much easier to catch since i send them myself? haha. oh well. maybe just haven't talked enough to guys to feel comfortable with chatting with them yet? my friend kept saying just treat them as girls when you are talking to them... so i am going to try it next time. hee.

wanted to prove that certain things can be maintained but... well. i guess just gotta agree that it seems like nowadays friendships that are able to last truly needs to be forged based on lots of common experiences and formed over long periods of time and communicating. oh well. now i know better. :) its tiring for one side to keep taking the initiative... i really admire long distance relationships that are able to last, really. :)

oh well. seems like i just can't start or fit into certain conversations... particularly those that most girls like to talk about. frequency just seem different. but never seem to have the problem with my close friends though... maybe that's why we are close.

feels that true equality treatment is really really rare and people are always judging by appearances. know that it is inevitable but just dun like that gan3 jue2. dun supposed i will have any friends who are err. too gentle. haha. i am probably the kind who dares to play all the way and err even if it means getting soaked in mud... wonders if my character is really suitable for a girl sometimes. lol. my grandma used to tell me that my character is so much more like a boy... prob because i am more "outdoor and sporty and fun loving" as compared to my other female cousins... who prefers shopping in air-con places in which err i dun really fancy really.

used to think that as long as there is a common enemy or a gossip topic, it will be easier for certain girls or maybe most girls to "bond" and i supposed that is rather true but not this way for me. i seriously dun like this idea at all. if you dun like that person then just keep it to urself and dun affect others' opinions of him/her lah. like i mean all of us are not perfect anyways.

i also find that it is not difficult for me to fit into different or new groups but just that i am only truly comfortable with around people who thinks more of the common positive topics and criticise/zhen1 dui4 others less. like... ask me how i feel about so-and-so whom i really dun like and i will prob just say we are of different frequency.

i very much prefer groups that are based on maybe the common goal of winning, playing games with our very best all the way and then is able to chat with everyone and anyone and not just stick to their own groups in camps esp... can't you just mix around and know each other better?! thank goodness i already have a bunch of such friends around me. cos i really dun like to be judged, judge or see others being judged when whatever we know is only so little and not the full story.

live by the moment or let days pass us by? have the feeling that once we start working, we will lose most of our fun and relaxing time. so... for now, must try to gather as much as we can the playful and fun memories while we are still in school. afterall everyone keeps saying most mistakes are being forgiven when we are "young"... and being not-so-grown-up, we have the special right to do certain silly and lame things... (but of course not terribly evil kinds)... maybe a couple that are a little cheeky ones?... those kind where when you are older and then one fine day decides to look back, then can't believe you did such a thing - and - laugh.

felt like i can go on being this childish for the next few years, and i think i'll eventually be. :P a part of me wish to start school soon. a part of me hesitates. there are some memories that are especially worth reminiscing. two people might have gone through that same memory together but the value and importance of the memory might afterall be rather different.

how far should you go to create your own opportunities if you are someone who believes in serendipity? *winks.

... suddenly feel like feelings are so fleeting and transient. you are thinking of someone for a very long while and all of a sudden some events just happen and then you suddenly realize you don't miss that person as much or think about him/her as often anymore. is our feelings really trust-able? interesting. wonder if whatever i am feeling now is fleeting too?!

i guess now i know better, though the heart still hopes. standing at the cross roads is not the best feeling on earth. perhaps it was only me from the start till now who was all along thinking in the wrong direction. maybe its time to really let the feelings subside. maybe they were not there in the first place. mind - what a beautiful thing. beautiful but hard to fathom. heart - wondrous yet fragile.

dun like playing guessing game. dun like thinking too much. dun like feeling for something i am not even sure about myself. dun like the feeling of missing someone when i dun even know if that person is missing me as much. dun like to be kept in suspense. dun like to feel uncertain. argh - dun like you :(

like to play like a kid at the playground. like to dance as if no one is watching. like to be among friends who are as childish as i am. like to be me and not pretending to be someone i am not ready to be. like the spinning skies. like the "shooting" stars. like to be with my 2 bestest friends! :D like tonight.

天为何总要黑 爱为何变忌讳
我想要的并不是并不是这安慰
当眼泪跌碎 一切怎挽回

心为何想诉罪 痛为何还不退
说无所谓启不是启不是 太虚伪太可悲

想爱的机会 到底是谁在支配
给我最后温柔 抱在胸口
假装不必放手 还有以后
让多年后我回头
相信你的爱没尽头

给你最后温柔 你的自由
不要让你泪流 不要内疚
只要你回头 依然觉得有想我的理由

只要你回头 会承认我们不止是朋友