is having a hope and then losing it totally better than never having it in the first place?
can we say so for some other things in life? like love?
to never have found true love at all is definitely better than to find it and then lose it one day?

to experience both sadness and joy and never forget either or never to know at all how it felt having them?

there's so much more to see and learn in life. can one go on forever thinking that life is just the beginning for them?

twilight. new moon. eclipse. breaking dawn.
how can a love so intense, so strong last for eternity and yet coexist with happily ever after?

too good to be true.
too hopeful to let go.

sometimes its only when you don't know where to look that you find it.
life's lesson just has to be taught in the most innovative way.
hah! life.

just when you thought you've looked deep enough, it just gets deeper.
just when you thought you've thought wide enough, it just gets wider.
just when you thought you've had enough, it just wouldn't stop.
life. amusing life. but perhaps not the one living it.

its been quite a while since i last remembered about the pandora box which lay quietly, deep down on the floor bed of the springs.
but its fine. the key is not with the box.
the ripples across the springs are temporal. that i am sure.

it will stay shut. for that i am certain, for i had already forgotten where i put the key.

water fairy stood by the seemingly young tree. a small tree without doubt, yet all the more she revered it, for its beginnings were rooted in the very first days of the earth. she taps once, and then knocked twice before she affirmed it was hollow. her heart sank, without warning.

looking up, she reached for a deep emerald-shade apple hanging just by the outermost branch to her left, and tugged at it gently. she sat down, leaning against the tree and tossed the apple between her hands. she wondered for once why she had been so taken by it before, and why she wasn't as fascinated now, though the apple did not look a tiniest bit different - sparkling, tempting since the very first time she had set her eyes upon it.

she slowly raised it to her lips, the light crunch startled her a little. a tear had escaped and trickled down her cheeks at that very same moment. she was puzzled, for she did not understand why, for she was feeling truly peaceful when the tear had slipped. a sour and bittersweet apple. the aftertaste lingered on a second longer. how interesting. the taste was definitely more memorable than she intended it for, unlike any taste she has had before, in fact. she wasn't sure she liked it, neither was she certain of taking another bite so she looked at the apple intently, her gaze was so deep yet faraway that, if you look into her eyes at that exact but fleeting point in time, you will see nothing, and nothing only.

existence of the abstract existence.

what exactly is the evidence to prove existence exists? memory? flawed. since everyone remembers things differently, as with the way they look at them. even more flawed if existence is distant, since a large part ends up relying even more on the way of and the different people who interpret the very memory.

so let's say if trust varies proportionally with the consistency of memory, which varies consistently with the number of people remembering anyone or anything in particular (that has ever existed before), then, if we don't trust humanity then we can never trust the concept of the existence of anything outside our time frame and space dimension totally.

and so, if you ever have forever in your hand, you can actually create the existence of infinite 'anyone's and 'anything's as long as you are able to alter memory. so essentially, memory is so easy to mistrust, easier than anything else in the world? taking into consideration the fact that human beings are not exactly the most trustworthy species to start with.

then again, given time frame restrictions, what might be the point of ensuring and remembering the 'existence' of someone or something seriously, if there is no way to change or undo anything about them in the first place? history.

i am never less-fasincated with it no matter. the ultimate source of some truly wonderful and exciting stories and imaginations, and which never have to really come true to bring amazement, fun and even joy to the ones creating them as well as the ones listening to them. most of the time though, the more you are able to believe such stories and imgainations can exist, the more enjoyment you derive.

why is escapism necessarily bad if it brings nothing but a moment of sheer happiness? no one said that happiness has to be eternal or else it would be useless, for the very group of people who said that, they probably would have contradicted their very selves immediately?

if we can dream something into existence, by working really hard at it, then can we dream a person into existence too? or it hugely hinges on our interpretation? i.e. if certain dreams are able to exist in reality, so let's assume that we believe very hard in the existence of a soulmate, our very own soulmate. would then the person really exists?

and then what if i earnestly believe in his existence, yet i also sincerely believe that we will never meet? can something or someone that doesn't exist be as important or more important to us than any random person who already exists in our life, simply beause of the very notion of hope he brings along with him?

like so many things,
so many things exist.
i realised that i don't need to meet my soulmate to make sure he exists.
i just need to know he does and he will.

neither am i sure i'll ever want to meet him
for we are all born simple and content.

trading in the certainty of never finding yourself complete again if we ever lose each other one day just to feel what completeness is, is just requiring more courage than i think i have. serendipity, nonetheless. life is larger than finding our soulmate? just like the concept of happiness coming in more than one form.

rich and complete happiness versus the simpler happiness, perhaps for now, i'd want nothing else except the simpler. if we were never offered options, would we really stay happy the way we had been till forever?

满园玫瑰我以为找到我那一朵
认真爱了却狠狠刺伤我的双手
责备什麽人也没有用
玫瑰都红难免看错

望着天空爱是风活在童话里头
小王子说有些事流浪过才会懂
原来每颗心都有个洞
找不到真爱会一直寂寞

我但愿有一个人在等我

在属於我的612星球

好让我忍着痛也愿意往下走

不快乐至少要有梦

一定会有一个人在等我

无条件拥抱着我的所有

想遇见我还要翻越多少山丘


花别谢太快请你等等我
擦干眼泪一个人漂流在这宇宙
小王子说爱一定开在某个角落
不想相爱的人那麽多
我会幸福吗在什麽时候

leap? no.
don't want to start things on the wrong step.

don't want to start anything at all.

not now. really.
like it when my plate is empty.

people are so funny.
i am so funny.

peter pan...
could he really stay so happy after wendy left?
would he change his mind...
if asked again to choose

nonsensical blabberings.
don't mind me.

anne sullivan. teaching a child to see the world and learn about it in her own way.

the miracle worker.

eternity.

would eternity be too long even if you spend it with the one you love?

so many things i want to see.
so many things i want to learn.
so many places i want to go.
so many wants, so little time.

yet to see people i love leaving before me
is not something i am strong enough for.

so eternity,
depending on when you reach me, my answer would be different.


lonely amongst crowd,
comfort in being alone.

lost in a world away,
a fish dreams.

wish for a white christmas some day...

life will never be perfect, but that doesn't mean we'll have to stop dreaming.

have a merry little christmas then :)

happy holidays!

this is how i am feeling today. now.

a while since the beginning.
hope there'll never be an end.
the gust alongside the rain, may it never cease.

people can be generally grouped into 2 categories; the 1st consists of the easy-to-read and the 2nd the hard-to-read (which also includes the nothing-much-to-read). the nothing-much-to-read are sometimes confused with the hard-to-read because readers may think it as a form of higher order concealment by them. the easy-to-read are usually the most relaxed to hangout with since lesser effort is needed to observe and get their frequency, predict and decide whether to play along.

and then for the readers there are the sharper ones and the not-so-sharp ones. yet apparently there seem to be no correlation between the readers and the being-read. the sharper ones however seem to have the gift to conceal or reveal this ability though, and they tend to be better defenders of other readers as well. as a beginner in both, there's still much to be learnt i guess.

the love you wait a century for; will it last an eternity? masochistic lion, stupid lamb. twilight.

admires this concept of love deeply.

a la folie pas du tout - we all dream, some just dream a little harder.

state of nostalgia.

live in the past or hide!
since you wanted certainty

your very self a mysterious variable -
a colourful butterfly liking constancy;
some flowers do not bloom forever.

what's the use of your wings if
you never dare to take flight?

time to let go of some things, once you are sure of what you want.
and you know its right when you feel its right.

flutter on! - since you are a butterfly only once,
just like you can be a caterpillar only once too.

don't be a caterpillar too long to realise you shortened too much of your time as a butterfly.
don't be a butterfly too fast to forget what it felt like being a caterpillar.

happier being a caterpillar or butterfly?
you can never compare if you had never been both.

sometimes people get so independent they can live on their own perfectly.
sometimes they forgot to depend on others once in a while and take a break.

measure too much and lose the chance to change some things.

let's begin with a platform.
the beginning of the measure of distance.
it brings people together or away?

without a platform, a non-existent distance, a non-existent closure. distance?

look just at the surface, just look at the surface.
the prettiest and, most of the time, the many layers beneath are not.
peel off layer by layer, perhaps you find something more beautiful -
perhaps you don't.

emotions are so powerful a form of energy they break or build man. literally.

gauging another's vibes can never be easy since they may very well be trying to get hold of their own vibes at the same time. how can you describe a shape of something that has none?

stepping out is just the embracing of unpredictability.

if life were taught as a module, what would its exam format be like?

that fine morning, our little water fairy and shairnra got their fair share of adventure.

pulled off by excitement-bubbling shairnra, they stealthily crept into the garden of edeeairn. evidently left unattended for eons, still, it was not at all hard to imagine how beautiful this garden must have been once upon a time.

sitting in the very center of the clearing was a forgotten wooden swing - exquisitely crafted was the wood, born of no ordinary fire. great flight rose from and with nothingness, as power.

they saw a trail left behind by the tail of a dragon and knew for sure they had to follow. through the walk, they felt cooling wetness, though they were dry, and their siouzli were refreshed the very instant a drop of nothingness splash onto their lips.

one never really gets to enter a different world where melodious enchanted bells ring every now and then, even though you are from the magical world itself and yet, when the time to leave arrives, nothing can make you stay a second longer.

water fairy had the urge to drop a slipper, had she one on her, just to feel how it was like when cinderella rode off on the pumpkin cart from the palace. she wondered if there was a prince in this quiet world in the first place.

and finally this was it. time had came to claim them. water fairy had had a surprisingly rolling good moment, unexpectedly, and was truly fond - of this little adventure of hers which managed to brush her mind off her quest.

a bright and cheery shairnra took a short walk with her, and soon, the spring was once again filled with just the calm breathing of our little water fairy. it seems like the portal of time had opened the constellation guide for her - another of the stars' many gifts to her. water fairy simply gazed.

resounding in her heart the melodious enchantment of the bells playing.

sometimes things pass us so fast i wonder why we struggled so hard and sought after them in the first place.

can one really live with memories alone?
how much memories are needed to make one feels there is no need of more memories?

memories are there to sustain one's happiness - contentment or living in the past?
from memories, come yearning?

i guess memories pass us fast too.

tortoises and ostriches.
shells and the ground.

human sometimes are
not very different either.

self recognition...

people who are trying real hard to gain the recognition of others, consciously or subconciously, usually are the ones who failed to give recognition to their ownselves essentially.

human beings.
once again.

why ask for an answer
when you already knew what i would say

she heard some footsteps. could be them. she hurried behind a row of trees, finding herself colourless once more, blending in. carefully, she wipes her tracks off the ground with a simple wave of her hand and a small breath of air. as the group rode pass her, for a moment, she thought she saw someone familiar among them - someone who looked exactly like herself. it wouldn't be, would it? she occupied herself in thoughts of different possibilities, even after the party rode some distance. it was daybreak when she finally got on charlotte and continued riding. she must get to the treeling fast. everything will come to light then, for sure. the treeling will know. it will have to. but for now, she should get some rest. it has been a long journey. and, she needed the stars to guide her way.

water fairy ploughed on, despite the creepy silence, along the still waters that are as reflective as freshly wiped mirrors. carefully she lifted a drop of dew on a small white daisy and tasted it lightly. dawn is near and time is leaking away, she sensed it. at this instant, she heard a drop of water trickle and saw a mist shrouds a treeling near the end of the stream. could this small tree be the one she seeks?

time for a battle soon?
i guess.

passion ceases to be the crux,
time for determination and perseverance to take over.

long route ahead.

stallion; i'm sure she would be a very fine one -
and, i'll name her Charlotte.

this morning, november woke up to a wet morning.
there's nothing more she love waking up to,
other than the refreshing scent of rain.

its seems eons since october
last went to the library to live in a story.

she miss this feeling so much.

yesterday.
october chaired the last meeting.
people who were at the table simply didn't know where to draw the line.

they may know how october works,
but they are totally clueless about october's thoughts.
friends.

yeah. say that again.

- on growing up -

oh ya. just realised i'm 2 years 3 days late...

but still,

HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY BLOG! :)

sometimes people just want to fit in so badly
they miss some line
they lose themself

but did they, in the first place, want to fit in
so that they can find themself?

sometimes people try so hard to disprove themselves in order to prove some things to themselves
there is a need to prove yourself to yourself?
don't exactly see the logic but i guess that's just part of the contradictions life hold for us?

ever see people trying so hard simply to amaze others
ever see people trying so hard to pretend so as to impress others more
ever see people trying so so hard, just to be the person they want to see themself as

little do i see people liking who they are right now.
today little water fairy felt a little restrained by the human mind.
her heart is so big,
her thirst for knowledge so unsatiable.
there are so many things she wants to learn about - every single thing under the sun,
and if she really have the time and chance, she would.
but she doesn't.
there's so many things she has yet experience,
the world seems so huge and a lifetime seems so short.

is there anyone who can really finish learning everything he/she wants to learn in a lifetime?

does having no expectations in life really guarantee a happier life?
can a life that is meaningful have no expectations?
if you can't fulfill the expectations set, what's the point of having them in the first place?

thought about this. recently. inspired by some people. around?

some people clearly have what it takes to lead but are not ready.
some are afraid of leading, because they are not sure of meeting the expectations of a leader they set for themselves. perfectionist?

some can lead but hesitate, since there'll always be another more capable leader elsewhere.
but there really might be, so,
where's the line drawn between humility and ill self-confidence anyway?
how do one know if its a need to lead or a want to lead?
some leaders mind too much what others think, some cared too little.
it never seem easy. to find the balance.

some prefered to be led, some prefers to lead.
some followed,
willing to trust another in leading,
willing to give the chance to others to lead.
or didn't want to take responsibilities of failure.

and so, if one leads because others told him/her to,
he/she might have what it takes,
but at the same time,
lacked the most important factor of all - the courage to lead.

can he/she still be a good leader then?

its never easy. really.
perhaps the first quality for a leader is really to judge soundly and don't bother too much about some uneccessary thoughts.

the safest way is always to follow? really?

if one didn't wish to lead and neither to follow?

loner? selfish?
maybe i'm under this category.
so yeah. time to swim more carefree-ly and tone down, rising leo.

sometimes people lie so as to pretend to be someone else.

are you who you want to see yourself as or who you want others to see you as?

are you where you want to be?

or where you think you'd be happy but am not?

too tired.

to say much.

need some rest.

last lap. how many are there again?

so many things i want to do. but time just doesn't play along.

i am picturing a big comfortable, thick soft layer of mattress and falling into a deep deep slumber on it, dreaming of a land faraway with everything i love. i would run barefooted on endless fields blooming with flowers of all colours. i would stroll through jungles filled with tall trees and swinging branches, with forest animals. i would swim in the clearest springs. i would weave through fishes in the ocean. i would sing and dance on top of mountain tops and look down. and when night falls, i would lie on the same patch of grassfields to gaze at the stars, every single one of them and make out their constellations. then i would dream again.

today,

water fairy realised for once,

simple, bland boring life may really, really suit her.

when things are stable and predictable, so what about having fun?

she wonders if this meant her wings will stop to grow soon.

even if her wings were to continue growing,

will she ever take flight?

wonders our water fairy.

sometimes, keeping things to oneself may give one the strength to go on.

other times, it may tie in with how you want to look at yourself - noble.nice.principled, to be blatant.

defending a decision made may not have been bad.
but wrong approach used in trying to tell someone who mean something to you would be.

no one will understand if you keep everything to yourself.

if your aim is to build a family, then doing everything yourself will not work.
expecting others to give you unconditional support without knowing what's going on will not work.


in a family, you should never have to walk alone.
in a family, there should never be "no need for explanation" - if you truly want the best for everyone.

water fairy realised something today. okay, fine. some thingS.

that there are certain things that you should never get yourself involved in before you are sure.

like sometimes you have to stop yourself and draw the line until you are sure the level of comfort is there for the other person. even though you know most part of the story and the person also probably knows you know too. there's always a better topic, especially when you are trying to care for someone you are not exactly very close to.

in addition, water fairy really hopes she can get de-sensitised a bit. although being sensitive means being more understanding, it is really quite a fair bit of guess-work and lots of unnecessary think-work constantly too... so it can be quite tiring for the mind, hers especially. :S

i guess that's why she enjoys being alone by herself sometimes. so she can stop guessing and thinking what others might feel and if there's anything she must do or say or avoid saying or doing to make them feel better...

what makes it :S is when people gossips to her and she tend to feel for the subject but she can also understand from the gossipers' point of view, their feelings and yet at the same time can never figure out why can't they can't do the same for the person they talk about. and the worse thing is she is not even involved in the whole event. so... ?! (she definitely prefers not to be involved!) but the main point is when she cannot see the positive side of human spirit in things, she just find them meaningless.

then again maybe she should stop caring. so she wouldn't have this problem at all.
as if its in her.

all in all, being alone is definitely a way to find peace for the water fairy :)

this is in her.

today, the water fairy is a little tired of being nice and understanding.
not that she's nice and understanding all the time but oh wells...

she don't want to explain either.

just a little tantrum.

she'll be alright. she'll still get her present.

be blatant for once.

and the loud rising leo sign had a conflict with the quiet mysterious pisces sun sign. where a leo wants to be heard and centre of the universe, a fish does not really want. and when you're a combination of both, you end up blogging. haha. not really lah. what is my aquarius moon sign doing? either way, not exactly helping. neither can survive in water nor on land alone.

sometimes, i wonder if i'm really travelling too far away from reality and into the non-existing unseen. what if i lost my way back one day? let's see... is it more possible for my left brain to be talking to the right one or the two of them talking to the heart? great. just proved once more that my thoughts are wandering again... whatever.

the furthest distance ever is from the heart to the mind. fine.

maybe not.

side point:

in astrology terms, all of us have 3 signs: the sun sign (determined by our birthdate), the rising sign (ruling our inner self) as well as the moon sign (i forgot what's this for - opps!). nvm, since i was never an expert in astrology in the first place.

just something lame: mix a lion and a fish and there's 2 possible things you can get

1. a lionfish

2. a merlion

told you it was lame. -_-"

hear it from a fish. bloopsz.

when will a piscean stop dreaming?

don't ask her. you'll just have to look into her eyes.

and you'll see that there is another world indeed,

away from this present one.

is a piscean very hard to get?

perhaps. even to herself?

maybe... but most of the time

she's just too busy painting her other world

she doesn't want to pause and explain to you.

mystifying perplex creature!

escapist!

loner!

but she doesn't ask much from the present world.

there is no need to.

she just create any she desires.

escapist? or so she can forever stay happy?

self delusioning and creativity were meant to be entwined since the start,

how can you create anything at all -

when you are so bound to the present and existing?

how can you heal if you only see sadness in the world you are in?

aren't children always happy

because they believe in fairytales?


loner?
she's just saving you trouble of not understanding her,
that's all.


she's still functional you know.
its only when she's left to her own private space,
that's where she begins weaving a web of dreams...