possibility

one's perception,
another's contraption.

a born contortionist,
conformed by nothing.

boundless,
reach.

walk.

i led a fine steed across the fields.
i thought, perhaps if i gave it a little more time,
it would reach its full potential.

tired of trudging, pulling it along,
at last i stopped.
as the dust settled from around us.

i stood and watched, thinking.

perhaps my sight has been set too far,
and my hopes, too high,
a marathon, not a sprint, i kept telling myself.

but i keep losing my grip on the lead rope.
maybe i should walk instead, on my own.

sky thief

walking between the raindrops
riding the aftershock beside you
off into the sunset
living like there's nothing left to lose
chasing after gold mines
crossing the fine lines we knew

hold on and take a breath
i'll be here every step
walking between the raindrops with you

will you, still?

wonder why you came to mind during the movie... despite knowing the impossibility of it all. if our paths had crossed earlier, would things be different then, sky thief? would you still be you, and me, me?

love. a dissection

“to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. to love is to be vulnerable.”

'love', best summed up by C.S. Lewis.

the 10th year, 12 days late.

a voltex of kindred spirits,

an old soul by the window.

the yellowed willow billowed -

a serenade by the canary.

in her mind palace an empty throne sat.

time slowed, eyes closed,

zugzwang

the selection - a thought.

the selection novella.

despite its predictability and typicality, kiera cass accurately illuminated the hopes of (i dare say 90%, if not all) ladies when it comes to the notion of love.

its protagonists, america singer and eadlyn schreave, both expressed characteristic traits that are highly relatable by majority of the female gender in my generation especially - independent, thinking, afraid of getting hurt, and enjoy our freedom a little too much to settle for the fleeting notion of 'love'.

while both protagonists did not exactly consciously look for 'love', they somehow managed to stumble upon it under a series of unbelievably coincidental circumstances. afterall, if a guy of maxon schreave's calibre were to turn up in my life one day, confessing his unconditional love for me for simply being who i am, and not bat an eyelid to take a bullet for me - i'm certain there's no way i will be able to resist his charm.

here's the catch though - neither 'the selection' nor 'maxon schreave' exist in real life - and i am well aware of this. perhaps for me, at the end of the day, i'm just waiting for someone to remind me of this song by chantal:

"somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
there's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

if you knew how lonely my life has been
and how long i've been so alone
and if you knew how i wanted someone to come along
and change my life the way you've done

it feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
it feels like i'm all the way back where i come from
it feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
it feels like i'm all the way back where i belong

a window breaks, down a long, dark street
and a siren wails in the night
but i'm alright, 'cause i have you here with me
and i can almost see, through the dark there is light

well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
and how long i've waited for your touch
and if you knew how happy you are making me
i never thought that i'd love anyone so much

it feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
it feels like i'm all the way the back where i come from
it feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
it feels like i'm all the way back where i belong
it feels like i'm all the way back where i belong"

and if one day he ever decides to appear in my life, i hope for two things - that i will at least notice his presence, and maybe, just maybe, be brave enough to jump.

all.around.you.

a true leader leads by example, not by making remarks at the side; instructions will naturally be taken seriously when respect is earned. when you manage, you don't just lead, you serve. either you reject that path altogether, or do a decent job, because with great power comes great responsibility.

when you lead, how you carry yourself matters; every single decision you make no longer affects just you, but everyone under you. people look up to you for solution and direction - communicate frequently with the people you lead, preempt problems, not wait for them to occur then tackle. stay grounded, but plan ahead.

don't expect perfection from everyone, appreciate and encourage the positive things that are being done rather than see yourself as a critic. motivation can be killed, but it can also be nurtured. there is a distinct difference between being realistic and being overly critical, be mindful of the latter.

speak your mind freely if what you say is constructive, for i consider neither eloquence nor the lack of tactfulness a virtue.

you have the freedom to do whatever you want, as long as your happiness is not built upon someone else's inconvenience. you don't need to go all out and be selfless. but it would be good if you can just have the basic consideration for others.

sometimes, all you need to do is to think of what you can do within your own means then do it, period.

endless

wishes and desires entwined,
swirling currents.

bubbles.
she drowns? she lives?

dreams and beliefs conjoined,
fingers brushed against the utopia rim.

strong, the magnetism.
dark, the abyss.

endless struggle,
her two natures.

sojourn.
she passes? she fails?

she walks on.

chess pieces

on the board
chess pieces scattered
invisible threads attached

from opposing ends
two master puppeteers played
making the right move at the right time is crucial

an experienced resistant and a radical new bird,
each with their own set of strategy
each with their contemporary set of temporary loyalists

sacrifices are expected,
losses did not matter; no one was indispensable.

nothing mattered as much as winning.

the foot soldiers stood silently from a distance
watching, waiting.
wondering when it'll be their turn to be the next pawn.

aye aye captain!

a nice ark used to sail in the vast ocean;

many storms it has triumphed,

though it rocked from time to time, it fitted everyone snuggly.

it felt like home. it was home.

though there were times where the sea was rough,

the ark felt sturdy enough to last through it all,

because everyone on the ark was of one heart, and understood that they will all eventually get to the same destination together one day.

however, it came a day when everyone suddenly found themselves in separate boats,

and each boat began competing against one other,

trying to reach the destination ahead of the rest.

i just can't help but wonder, at the end of the day, 

what purpose does it truly serve, if your boat is faster, or mine?

when wooden planks of sunken boats surface one by one,

would one then question, if the change was really for the better?

or would one then be too clouded by fear of when one's turn would be?

for if a captain's role is solely to point to a location on a map, then anyone can be captain. and googlemap would do an outstanding job.

which side of the moon?

every time we’re dancing
i look into his eyes
i’m daring him to ask me
he might as well be blind

this side of the moon
i’m with you

we don’t have to be far?
will you be there waiting?

why do you seem so far away today, and the future... even further?



i dare you, quietly.
i dare you now.

dare.

the little princess.

memories, stole away into the night.
moonlight lit the path i trod.
run, so they can't haunt you.

a morphed snake,
its teeth gently grazing my fingers,
there was no pain, but i let it go,
i knew it won't hurt me, and i still put it down.

fairy dust! if there's ever an "if", i wish it was then,
but the me from then would not have the second thoughts i possessed now.

the well, the waters,
the shimmering moonlight.

what would i have done?
time and circumstance was not in our favour,

the heightened sense of fear in staking the calm present for a volatile future,
perhaps i'll never be brave enough to take that step.

she gazes into the mirage of the well,
she relish in the safety of knowing that as long as its all in her mind,
she couldn't be hurt.

no, the feeling of what could have been would never hurt as much as actual nostalgia, nor reality.

she loves the little prince,
for she was 'the' little princess, in every sense.

she is afraid.

once in a while

a bird injures its wings,
a green viper hisses.
a clock chimes,

a star lands.

cos you don't think i know what you've done,

i'm not the only one.

eve bites the apple.

for unto dust we all belong.

fallen?

don't we all. 

rules.

i stared up at the sun,
you can feel the light start to tremble,
take us down and we keep trying,
forty thousand feet, keep flying.

i'm standing frozen,
in a life i've chosen.
the cold never bothered me anyway.

sometimes.

sometimes i run,
sometimes i hide,
truth is, i'm not really sure what i want or what suits me.

drama.life.

the current trend in asian drama series, or most drama series for the matter, tend to revolve around a female lead with seemingly mundane and humble background, yet with a certain set of positive and morally righteous qualities, being sought after by a group of ridiculously outstanding male characters who are attractive and appealing (in terms of social status, economic status, looks and moral character).

in recent years, the female leads have also evolved to be more and more self sufficient, and away from the stereotypical damsels in distress, waiting to be rescued altogether. regardless, the male characters will still irrevocably fall in love with them, and (predictably), she will only give her heart to one of them in the end (often the most deserving one), or end up sacrificing herself in some way to make the story more bittersweet and memorable for the audience. often, the market is saturated with drama series carrying modernized Cinderella plot, some of which so predictable that by the second episode, i have already lost interest in it since i knew what the ending would be. 

i have to admit though, series involving clever plots, schemes and pitting of witty characters against each other are quite my kind of thing; granted in reality, possessing a good heart, sound moral and bravery is not going to get you anywhere, not without intelligence and wits. the 'bad' guys are no longer simple fools who get what they deserve at the end of the day, period. life would teach you that much. the 'good' guys who are faced with tough decisions, who had to come up with ways to counter the wicked plots and schemes without compromising on their moral grounds - these are the ones that truly appeal to me - characters with depth, who are able to remain righteous at the end of the day.

my idea of an ideal couple consist of people who love each other deeply, share similar ideals and moral values, who would not hesitate to sacrifice for each other, or for what the other believes in. it however sucks when they also happen to be such awesome people who would place the greater good over their own interests. this makes them all the more noble, but at the same time, fills you with a tinge of melancholy, since deep down you are also aware that there would undeniably come a point where they would choose to give up their own happy ending for the bigger picture, a greater good. 

an example of the kind of character that appeals to me in a recent drama series - taltal from empress ki. not romantically-linked to the female lead, but he's definitely one who has proven his strength of character and intelligence. he had every right to be arrogant, but remains humble and saves the day quietly each time.

time and tide.

built the wall, closed the door, hid the key. 

an invisible wall, a concealed door, a missing key.

living in a seemingly free dome.

what goes on in your silent mind?

wit. strength. character.

tal tal . wang yoo . seung nyang

what goes up must fall down

sometimes i feel like i can't run, i can't crawl
and sometimes i feel like i ain't nothing at all
life is a journey where you stumble and fall
but i'm okay

outlook.

when tomorrow comes
i'll be on my own
feeling frightened of
the things that I don't know

inside out.
core memories.
islands. 
the forgotten valley.

can't lose what you never had.

can't lose.
game of life.

can't win.

thoughts decompartmentalisation

wanting the best of both worlds... would that be greed or is one just pushing for excellence?

just as how a coin cannot simply possess a single side, one has to embrace the good, and at the same time be prepared to accept the bad attached with each choice we make.

compartmentalizing life brings about organisation and segregation, but the living gets torn.
departmentalization of the aspects of life on the other hand, breeds chaos, yet perhaps unites.

what do you want?

'twas

the looming clouds,
the stars,
the bright apparition,
'twas when i lost you.

the now,
filled with darkness and silence,
'twas when i lost myself.

blinded

stochastic variable.
johari's window.
depths, capacity, fear.

if you can read minds, plant thoughts and manipulate emotions, you can make anyone do anything.

there lies a certain degree of danger, a sense of power, a total possibility of you losing yourself in it all.

sow. reap.

"you either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain."

time is finite though it may seem like infinity.

from the moment you sow a seed to the moment you reap its fruits,
the time in between is spent on building patience and perseverance.

in the process of it all, you build your own character.

scarecrow

bleeding. out.

when the day has come
but i've lost my way around

and the seasons stop, and hide beneath the ground
when the sky turns gray and everything is screaming

i will reach inside
just to find my heart is bleeding

when the hour is night
and hopelessness is sinking in

and the wolves all cry
to fill the night with hollering

when your eyes are red
and emptiness is all you know

with the darkness fed
i will be your scarecrow

oh you tell me to hold on
oh you tell me to hold on
but innocence is gone
and what was right is wrong

cos i'm bleeding out
said if the last thing that i do
is to bring you down
i'll bleed it out for you

for you.

 

orchestra.

symphony,
harmony,
deep resonance.

those notes, they float!
there was nothing,
save a series of coordinated, intentional vibrations.

they lure you into the invisible world,
left you marvelling at the composer's brilliance,
makes you wonder aloud -
the universality of music.

it could have,
it may not,
it happened?

what's left after the ensemble of musicians,
what's the state after the delirious performance?

silence, contemplative silence.
all these, a figment?

for no pictures could convey,
no recordings could conjure,
the lingering atmosphere, and memories were all there were -
fragments of resounding waves.

all there were...

now.

come, follow me into the abyss.

no, i don't know its depth.

once the sea swallows the sun and dusk settles,

the wonders come alive.

 

let's share a dance in the waters,

for we don't know what tomorrow holds,

no... won't promise.

but come,

swim with me.

for all you know, i am a siren.

the daughters of the sea,

they're calling me.

you only have now.

ender's game.

brilliant minds,
one against another.
wished not, did not.
ability, intentions, means, end.

ender.
game.

pretend.

let us play, a game of pretence!
it's fun!
there - i've just done it.
your turn.
just remember to like us after that game ends.
sure!
there - i think i've done it again!

pursuit

drops of golden ichor,
tears of wisp.
i float,
i spirited.
fumes, vapors.
dust, ashes.
immortality.
witnessing heartaches and losses,
the accursed statue stood,
robed in melancholy and regalia,
for eternity.
watching mortals in their blind pursue;
"if only they knew."

wisp

swift winds; they rise and fall.
changing tides, seasons - the insignificance of man.

ever so patiently, fate lies in wait for the planned chance-meeting with time;
for, with time on his side, decision had just won the wager with wisdom.

life, welding definitions, margins and contradictions all into one,
is both long-spent and short-lived.

in the municipal array of it all, the soul of the philosopher just got older.
she sighs.

penrose stairs.

you seek not to impress, so you would not disappoint.
you seek not to give false hope, so you can minimise casualty.

you run,
afraid of the illusion and audacity of your own dreams.

you hide,
longing to be found only by the right one.

you are,
but a flight of penrose stairs.

one that can't co-exist with reality,
yet whose concept exists for eternity.

seek.

i trudged through the thick snow,
i turned,
snowflakes began filling the hollow footprints.
where... are you?

"remember the good, and never the bad."

"but what if there's nothing good that's left to remember?"

"forget. forget everything."

well-concealed behind the thorn bush, she listened. no one had the slightest idea she was there. despite the fine gashes on both her arms and the multiple slash wounds on her thigh and lower right calf, she made no whimper. streaks of blood dyed her pants red as she barely managed to suppress a smirk; a rush of euphoria and ache swelled within her.

"this is it."

"this is it."

row.

in a humble boat sat she.
gently, she rowed.

she loved the boundless sea, the unparalleled sunrise and sunset, the dazzling night sky.
at the edge of the forest, the cicada calls, the scent of pine lingers, the morning dew renews.
each day, she thought she could be here forever.

yet forever is a long time.

for like calypso, she was cursed.
the very moment she fell in love with where she was,
she will be thrown into the freezing waters and made to swim back to her little boat.

countless times she swam,
with every gulp of air; she struggled to remember all the beauty around her.

countless times she fell,
with every prickle on her skin; she struggled to hold onto all the memories, and what's left in her.

gradually, her perseverance ebbed away.
time, after all, is indeed a scary thing.

as her little boat came into view, 
her hands tightened around its rim. 

yet her worn-out soul is already beginning to lose its shimmer.
her tired mind whispers...
"how many more times? how much longer?"

lost in tears mingled with nostalgia and exhaustion, she slowly loosens her grip...

minimizing the casualties...

her lips, they never parted;
they bear the weight of the unspoken words,
the words she dared not utter.

the hidden expectations... the differences.
she kept telling herself perhaps its just her,
that she don't even know what's in your mind.

"... slowly all the faces turn to yours
like no one else exists anymore
i'd talk to you if only i could speak
and i'd dream of you if i could fall asleep..."

she dreamt, when she fell asleep.
is this... only happening in her mind?

"... i'll find an area more remote than Bavaria
i'll still get in the hair of you, in Bavaria or Bombay
and you'll find that love won't let you get away..."

she liked going out to sea with you.
she liked taking a stroll around the zoo with you.
she liked catching the sunsets with you.
she liked the impromptu pingpong game in the middle of some random street.
she liked playing the piano for you.
she liked the mini 'traffic police' adventure.

the fault in our stars, sky thief, perhaps is this:
“i'm a grenade and at some point i'm going to blow up and i would like to minimize the casualties.”

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

a hidden assumption... a footnote perhaps: provided the fella who accompanied you on the journey possesses a certain degree of altruism, and his or her presence tolerable, or even enjoyable maybe?

on the larger scale, life is but a series of expectations, disappointments, hope, joy, grief and pain. one simply cannot escape any of these phases unscathed. yet each of us deal with these phases in different ways.

the environment which one grows up in determines the preparedness and tenacity of one to accept each of these various phases - rightly so. nevertheless, one still has the option of choosing which phase to linger longer in, thereby ultimately predisposing oneself to the perception of life as either a 'purposeful' or a 'meaningless' one.

perhaps by filling one's life with transient events constantly, one's commitment to any of these phases would be expect-ably fleeting; if one simply does not linger too long, one is less likely to get hurt.

pride.

pride,
one's strength, as well as one's ultimate weakness.

to live a truly carefree life,
have absolutely zero expectation.

just as one's destiny may be fulfilled without the realisation of one's purpose,
one may also live out one's purpose, with utter disbelief in destiny.

in the gutter lay thee,
thy motionless arms, cold.
thy eyes, they behold the heavens,
the angels, engulfed by pure myrrh,
looked down upon thee,
thy secret, safe, sound.

my depth, concealed.

persistence, strength, perspective.

"a river cuts through a rock, not because of its power, but because of its persistence."

an inspiration, when told through the eyes of the river.
but for the rock, however it persisted, the river still managed to cut through it.

perspective.

what if the river had never wanted to cut through the rock in the first place? what if it had no control over its power as to where it is to flow? what if it were all mere motion? what if it had felt sorry for the rock, but is helpless about stopping its flow?

what if the rock just happens to be there? what if it had wished it was on some other place far away from the waters? what if mere serenity was all it had wanted, but unfortunately gets stuck and have to go through the ordeal of water constantly running through it over and over again? what if it were constantly screaming "get me out of here, please somebody, anybody!" but was never heard?

part of a bigger play.

perhaps one day, when the rock eventually becomes sediment grains and nothingness, it will be able to ride far far away with the river, and finally, be free.

but would it still be the same rock it used to be?

one would be blind to think the world to be perfect.
yet, the world is bound to remain imperfect if everyone simply does nothing about it, convinced that whatever they do is insignificant.

the more-than-fine balance.

assume.
"suppose to be the case, without proof."
... the reason why things never happened.

appreciate.
"being grateful for (something)."
... the lack of this,
the reason why things happen,
and why certain people feel lost and worthless.

"well you only need the light when it's burning low,
only miss the sun when it starts to snow.
only know you love her when you let her go."

dream.
"a condition or achievement that is longed for; an aspiration."
... powers believe,
and drives the passion for pursuit. 

hope.
the reason for pain,
also the reason why people hold on despite the pain.

"staring at the bottom of your glass,
hoping one day you'll make a dream last....
... maybe one day you'll understand why
everything you touch surely die."

and you let her go.

toy.

on a thin fine thread the young lady saunters,
her wandering mind, sharp, albeit shrouded.
her agility unexpected, her move surprises.
the entwining, lifeless thread in her hand she fonders,
her sleeves hissed.

入战曲伴我无悔的狂妄，我所憧憬的爱情。

《兰陵王》

左手掌握着空心，

右手掌握着痴心，

一心一意捧在手掌心 。

偏偏我越抱越緊，

偏偏我越愛越貪心，

偏偏要爱到万剑穿了心才死心。

我属于你的注定，不属于我的命运。

 

我手心的温度。

moringa turtledove

black dove, white crow perched on snow,
if you could a dove, would you rather a crow?

white as snow, black as coal,
dark ebony, blinding white.

roles, life, contrast, mosaic.
the night circus invites.

play, live, blend, collage.
the daybreak beckons.

the still stirred,
eyes open.

wednesday the fifteenth.

1. fell off a bicycle
2. hit my head against metal bar
3. slipped and hit my right elbow against a branch
4. got thrown into a little risky situation
5. almost slipped in the bathroom (again)

alive feels great. phew.

so much for 'friday the thirteenth', here's my plan for the next and final hour of wednesday the fifteenth - drift into dreamland and wake up to a safer tomorrow.

tu-en-tee-thur-tin

"After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box."

the box closes, only to be opened once more.
the game plays on,
till one's very last breath.

the fallen queen and her bishop stifle a laugh,
their horses chortle.

as the days go cold, 
and the cards all fold,

space and strings entwined,
the very marionettes of life,

on a glass jar,
rests the fairy dust.

the wine bead swirls,
it settles,
only to be drunk.

cheers,
what says you?

run

imagine dragons... civil wars.
poison. wine. demons.

when the days are cold

and the cards all fold
wish you'd hold me when i turn my back

i want to hide the truth
i want to shelter you
you only know what i want you to

when you feel my heat
look into my eyes
your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine 

don't love you but i always will

 

when your dreams all fail

and the ones we hail
are the worst of all
the less i give, the more i get back
 

don't get too close

it's dark inside

it's where my demons hide

with the beast inside
there's nowhere we can hide

when the lights fade out

all the sinners crawl

they dug your grave
 

and the masquerade
will come calling out
at the mess you made

your hands can heal, your hands can bruise

they say it's what you make
i say it's up to fate
 

it's woven in my soul
i need to let you go

your eyes, they shine so bright
i want to save their light
 

i can't escape this now

fear.

you only know what i want you to,
but i don't really know if i want you to.
you think your dreams are the same as mine,
yet they are all but bubbles of iridescence.

felt something i can't put in words,
i don't know how long this can last.
the world i paint in my mind,
don't think its real.

i run because i can.
to places where inklings are stowed safely away,
only to be extracted as memories,
a trace in time.

i'm cautious when i shouldn't be,
rational when i know i am not.
afraid to fall when i tell others to be brave,
but i'm tired of tumbling down the grey.

i feed on melancholy,
the ethereal bitter-sweet.
instead of love,
save my heart.

love, always intense, always strong.
always heavy, so i'll never be ready.
convince me, but you shouldn't have to,
i shouldn't need it, why should i need it?
fear always win, it always does.

i watch the dandelions dance in the wind - they always do.
they're never bound,
they're always free.

i'll dance,
i'll fly.

dream.

you only want to hear what you want to hear,
not what i have to say.

misgivings.

a million tiny broken pieces, 
seemingly whole,
far from perfection.

be.dazzled -
it takes more than courage and sweat to pursue a dream,
it takes heartaches and patience,
it takes
your pride away.

yet, a dream is a dream.
it is essentially,
not everything
in life.

cheers.

i ladled sadness, drank sorrow in a single toast.
i swindled the wind, i stole tomorrow.
i called to the sea, i flew over it,
i rose.
the weight of the amnesty, i sank,
i woke.

right.

it takes years to build an empire, a misstep to throw it all away, a missed shot to realise what truly matters and a wise soul to weather it all. 

the empire stood, in all its regalia and splendour; man, his foolish banter. 
one hardly knows what comes after; life, misshapes.

not angry.

you're nothing more than an empty shell... not even a pretty one.
you live in the past, expecting the world to do your bidding.
you tried so pathetically to justify that because the world is unfair, you have no reason to assume even your own responsibility, while all the time you expect everybody else to do the exact opposite of what you yourself are doing.
you jump at the first opportunity to criticise and judge, and then retreat beneath your own stack of excuses to paint a distorted self image.
i shall not despise you.
i will not get angry.

to be happy, one has to realise the meaning of love, and to find a way to cope with life that does not push love away.

therefore i pity you.


because you know neither forgiveness, nor the meaning of love.

:)

of all the faces
you were the one next to me
you can feel the light start to tremble
washing what you know out to sea

walking between the raindrops
riding the aftershock
off into the sunset
chasing the gold mines

there's a smile on my face
we're better than alright

61 days!

an aloof idealist bordering on impracticality...

give an inch, take a mile.
seventy times seven times.

reasoning differences -
choices, paths, dilemma. 

refraining from judgement,
shallow... impetuous.

refusal to fight... not without the means to.

an aloof idealist bordering on impracticality.

prologue.

609 days ago, as sure as she was about quiet guy, she proved herself wrong 274 days later.

her first conscious awareness of the sky thief... 609 days ago,
her first overpowering reminder of her own feelings 346 days later.
81 days since her efforts at trying to leave things behind... and ongoing.

first observation of the evening star 564 days ago... silence since... till perhaps today.
still, very much silent, for now.

79 days since she's begun her most recent harmless-yet-fascinating sport of orca waiting and watching... certain that nothing more will come out of it, yet with every message in the bottle, her heart never fails to give that gentle leap... still of course nothing will ever happen. how safe and comfortable this fish must have felt on this subject matter! :)

leaves

quietly, the dandelion stands.
gently, the dandelion sways.
rooted, this little sapling holds.

she wonders both day and night, when?
both day and night, when?

at last, asleep fell she,
till the sun rose her.

and came the day where the wind carried them afar,
so far away.

she felt so light.

the influence, so subtle.

she felt free.

she knew now,
she leaves.

"sometimes it’s worse for us human beings to lose something dear to us than never to have had it at all.”

wise guy.

inspired
"a leader is best when people barely know he exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say: we did it ourselves."

love  “being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

life
“knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power. if you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich.”


he must have knew, mastered and realised. lao tzu.

script write flash 1

"don't expect you to understand.
don't appreciate you being here.
don't need your unsolicited involvement.
just back off, and leave me alone.
all i want is an autistic moment.
if you didn't figure this part of me exist, its time you re-calibrate your own perspective - because maybe, you don't know me."

script-writing mode: on

fringe

share a dance with the devils, incognito.
balance precariously the snippets that kept you hanging on and those jaded moments.

take a deep breath and continue walking on this thin, fine rope.

i hope you'll survive.
i hope you'll never lose yourself.

in.significant.

"You don't even know what you don't know."

"I think of you as I would an ant colony as I pass by it. I don't care about the workings of the colony, why one ant is mad at another or why one ant would kill another or not. To me, it is insignificant. And like an ant colony, you are oblivious to your limitations. You think the black over your head is dark skies... when it is really our shoe."

"People make up explanations... assign meaning to things without knowing, because it's reassuring. It's comforting. But I can't do that... because I know too much."

fringe. one has got to love its perspectives.

something

stare right straight into the glaring light, and all you'll see is nothing
keep looking into the darkness, and all you're ever going to see is nothing, too.
 
you've got to look where the light falls, you'll see, you'll begin to see.

everything you touch surely dies

staring at the bottom of your glass
hoping one day you'll make a dream last
but dreams come slow and they go so fast
you'll see it when you close your eyes
maybe one day you'll understand why
everything you touch surely dies

maybe one day you'll understand why
everything you touch surely dies

well you see it when you fall asleep
but never to touch and never to keep
cos you loved it too much and you dive too deep

only know you love it when you let it go
and you it go
and you it go.

propensity and potential

propensity and potential.
one who impresses yet assures.
one who inspires yet possesses the spirit of humilty.
one who's after freedom, yet would not think twice giving it up for one's love.
one who's given the choice and chooses the nobler option.
one who does not...
exist.

for there's only this much one's heart can hold, and only this many one can love whole-heartedly.

human

instinct.
preservation.
the selfish gene.
immortality.

human.

"my sweet tooth never listens to my wisdom tooth."

oh wait. maybe that's because i have no more wisdom tooth left.

oops.

mr orca

a chanced, memorable encounter. 
a well-versed, engaging and enthusiastic individual.
an enjoyable and wonderful sharing.

should've at least asked for your name, however unlikely it is for us to meet again.
nonetheless, muchas gracias, mr orca! :) 
it's been a pleasure meeting you.

carpet.

"any issues?"

"nope, never had any."

"right. i forgot, should have checked your carpet instead."

"sure, be my guest."

summer is over

summer is over
yes, i guess so.

goodbye, shoes.

back when i met you,
autumn never seemed this cold before.

insensitive.

realism and a tinge of grey.
positivity may not always signify naivety, it just makes the tough things in life slightly more bearable and gives you enough strength to trudge along; why make life even more tiring than it already is?
maybe you have some advice to give on how to be insensitive.
thoughts and perceptions, who doesn't own them - they're just not shared because empathy is not a gift many own.
what's the point in adding fuel to a fire or fanning it? if i can choose, i'd rather save what i can or walk away.
see the purpose autism serves - no burns.
if i could disregard everything and react the way you did, i would. but i can't, and you'll never understand why.
so. yes, maybe you have some advice to give on how to be insensitive. i need that.

and by the way, blowing off your top is not the least bit 'cool'. it just reminds me to constantly mind every single word and action in front of you. and yes, while you have your own reserve and judgement, that doesn't mean i don't have mine.

...

daunting obligations
looming thoughts
overwhelming heaviness
rest.

last laugh.

far and few between,
hid athena's children.

fingers twirling,
fate grinned.

aphrodite's last laugh,
artemis's wild heart.

juvenility.

continue to place yourself in the centre,
pretend those things that bother you doesn't matter at all.

go on, juvenile, please.
you have every right, because the world owes you everything.

sure, be my guest.
if you think you'll be happier this way.

run.

light.

air.

shimmer.

eyes closed, she slipped back into the water.

time,
and again.

pitch black.
darkness.

no,
no light.

gasp.

mutter.

cold.

shiver.

drifts... away.

the song, from the woods.

the dandelion whispers.

you sir, yes you.

rightly charming,
the clock strikes twelve.

a refined gentleman, 
a brief exchange.

a moment shared,
an impression made.

've never met,
will never meet.

nonetheless,
rightly charming,

this one guy who rather randomly crossed my path.

dandelion and peeta.

"cos when you never see the lights it's hard to know which one of us is caving."

"I know what I need to survive isn't Gale's fire, kindled with rage and hate, but what I need is the dandelion in the spring. The promise of life instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on no matter how bad our losses. And only Peeta can give me that."
 

"real."
"always."

my depth was never meant to be grasped, only revealed.

reservations... who doesn't have them?
some flaunt them, some hide them, according to the stakes one possesses.

words and subconscious responses do not always concur - indeed.

if you can't still your heart and mind, you can't rule them.
and if you can't rule them, others will be able to read you - whether you are aware of it or not.

masking one's genuine expression with something believable is both a technique, and an art.

guarding walls come in two forms - the visible, and the invisible, silent ones.
defiance, the loud, and the quiet.
 
expectations... who honestly doesn't know it has always been easier to place them on others than to place them on yourself?

lines... who really doesn't know how to draw them? its the type of ink one chooses to draw with that matters.

at the end of the day,
the only thing you need to conquer is your own pride.
and the person you really need to learn to love is yourself.

the sooner you realise this, the earlier you are truly freed, and genuinely happy.

everyone makes choices.
some choose to pronounce them, some don't.

mine you don't really need to know, you just need to think that you knew.
that's good enough.

:)

annoyance.

take away the title,
leave no obligations.
annoyed at nothingness once again.

how can misunderstandings be so abound and prevalent.
yet, it can.

ride through the glen firing arrows into the sunset

"pretend i'm merida, speak to me."
*shrilly voice: "i don't want to get married, i want to stay single and let my hair flow in the wind as i ride through the glen firing arrows into the sunset." ~ king fergus, brave.

she wonders why a certain part of her sky is either black or white, but never grey.

because for some things in life, it either is, or it isn't -
there's just no room for the "in-betweens".

for an idealist after her own heart's keeper,
her heart knows... it's been unlocked before.

for some reason she knows not,
the three of them remained distinctly different.

the distant morning star,
the constellation,
and... a sky thief.

like.

"were you guys like friends in college and now just afraid to ruin your relationship with each other by telling the other person that you want to be more than friends, that you like-like each other?" ~ napoleon bonaparte, night at the museum 2.

decipher.

strifling theories. 

books and hidden words.
songs and unspoken words.
thoughts and silent words.

read, decipher.

winter triangle, southern cross. 

miss plain

being miss plain is a deliberate choice, and laziness, a convenient excuse.

if you're not the right one, your attention would amount to nothing, and i don't need that.
if you're the right one, you would have been able to see past the physique and realised what lies within.

we tread different paths and seek different ideals.
as such, explanations could be saved, and recognition inapplicable.

idealism beckons one to choose to be with the right one or none at all.
and an unyielding autistic fish would always swim best when she swims alone.

what you perceive is one thing,
who i am is another -
the underlying reason for plain white simplicity.

my depth is as hidden as my width is apparent,
things, you'll never know.

me, what am i.

shoes ashore.

i stared up at the sun,
thought of all of the people, places and things i’ve loved,
i stared up just to see,
of all of the faces, you were the one next to me.

you can feel the light start to tremble,
washing what you know out to sea.
you can see your life out of the window, tonight.

if i lose myself tonight, it’ll be by your side.

i woke up with the sun,
thought of all of the people, places and things i’ve loved,
i woke up just to see,
with all of the faces, you were the one next to me.

:)

... wished there had been something more.
you made me all ready to fall, except i wasn't sure if you were waiting to catch me at the other end.

shoes.ashore.

wait.

the sun is filling up the room and i can hear you dreaming.
you keep waiting to save what we have.
and i keep waiting.

was.

i built a house in the tree,
and sent you its inscriptions through the winds.

the woods they sang,
a hymn once lost.
the leaves they fell,
one by one.

is life itself not masquerading enough?
yet still must we, a part of this play?

the winding roads, many.
thus i tossed you a seashell to bring you home.

back to the shore where we first met.
so time can start for us once again.

do not forget
that i am here,
that i was there.

within. without.

leave,
leaving,
left.

fly,
flying,
flew.

wait,
waiting.

waiting
for melancholy to fill her existence to the brim.

for she would never have that twenty seconds.

there's simply too much considerations clouding her mind,
and too much things weighing on her heart,

for her to be truly free.

free.

free

f r  e   e

f   r   e   e

f                   r                                    e                                                                                      e 

sky thief and the star-less night.

... she lives in the fairy tale,
somewhere too far for us to find.
forgotten the taste and smell
of a world that she's left behind.

but it was a trick,
and the clock struck twelve.

... built up a world of magic.

if it's not real,
you can't hold it in your hand,
you can't feel it with your heart,
and i won't believe it.

but if it's true,
you can see it with your eyes.

shinning in the starlight,
and i know, you know, i don't know which way to go to lose you,
to get away from you boy.

cos i'm breaking,
and my soul is shaking like my world is quaking.
if i can't have you,
get out, get out, get out, get out of my heart.

if i can't have you,
get out, get out, get out, get out of my heart, of my heart, of my heart.
just get out, get out, get out, get out of my heart, of my heart, of my heart.

sky thief.
once more, just another day.
never important enough for you to do something more.
never able to give you the twenty seconds of insane courage.

cos it probably was... never me for you.
so close, yet such apparent distance.

and i am tired playing the game which you probably never knew existed,
never.
existed.

equality and... equity

equity and equality.
they sat on a bench one day,
and realised they would never be the same.

you chose to wait,
expecting him to take the first step towards you
simply because he is the guy.

right,
and all the while bent on the idea of equality.
perhaps, equity.

you want another who is like yourself,
who would understand,
who gives you the feeling others don't,
who can make you feel safe.
who is able to dance with you through the storms,
and who has the magic to make you believe that everything will indeed be alright.

all the while being the simple and ordinary girl you are.

sure.

keep waiting.

out. of. reach.

the more out of reach, the more you think.
the more you think, the more you dream.
the more you dream, the more you want.
the more you want, the more out of reach.

 hasn't this already been taught before?

alright then.
since neither time nor chance is on our side,
and neither of us are taking the step, i guess... that's that.

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watch your time.

wear a watch, be bound by time.
leave your watch behind, and get lost in time.

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fall

to start it off i know you know me,
to come to think of it, it was only last week
that i had a dream about us,

everytime you see me what do u see?

oh baby, you're the only thing that i really need,
baby that's why...

you make me wanna call you in the middle of the night
you make me wanna hold you till the morning light
you make me wanna love,
you make me wanna fall,
you make me wanna surrender my soul

i know this is a feeling that i just can't fight,
you're the first and last thing on my mind
you make me wanna love
you make me wanna fall,
you make me wanna surrender my soul

well i know that these feelings won't end now
they'll just get stronger if i see you again

baby i'm tired of being friends
i wanna know if you feel the same,
and could you tell me do you feel my pain?
don't leave me in doubt

nothing more.

it probably meant nothing more.
though i wish it did.
still, you didn't stay.

so its just another night...
of shooting stars, 
of floating thoughts.

a wandering mind, and, a hidden wish.

the sweetest dream

again. i dreamt of you.
this time you told me how you felt.
i was elated.
i felt myself burning.
the power of dreams.
but i forced myself to wake up and stop thinking about the impossible,
just so i can return to reality.
my sky thief, my shoes.
you make me dream.
so near, yet so far...
what do you dream about?

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good. intentions.

i've seen a lot things in life that words can't explain
see we ain't any different but we just ain't the same

they never listen when we tell 'em, tell 'em
all they understand is venom, venom

people only use you when you let 'em, let 'em
well if that's the case then i'm the one to blame

cos there's a man over board
and the tides gonna drag him down
if there's a man in the clouds
then tell me where the hell is he now

why is the silence so loud
have i thrown it all the way
let me know, let me know
tell me is that what happens just for having a good intention, tension
look what happened to my good intention, tension

why won't anybody answer my question
why is the silence so loud

i think i threw it all the way
i don't know, i don't know
but lemme know
hear me out before you label me the bad one

i'm walking through the desert but i'm drowning inside
no river runs deeper than the tear from my eye
you only went and made me bitter, bitter
i wish i wasn't such a giver, giver
apologise to my liver, liver

cos if that's the case then your the one to blame

am i wrong to think the worlds got it in for me
and am i right to say i'm longing for some sympathy
see i feel a sound, but i can't hear it
that's my heart strings getting played like a symphony

you know you turned me insane
why you staring at window when i'm the one with the pain

you know you set me off the rails
and you'll be to blame

keep on waiting... underneath the mistletoe.

i don't want a lot for christmas,
there is just one thing i need.

... i just want you for my own,
more than you could ever know.
make my wish come true,
all i want for christmas is... you.

... i won't ask for much this christmas,
i won't even wish for snow.

i'm just gonna keep on waiting,
underneath the mistletoe.
 
santa won't you bring me the one i really need,
won't you please bring my baby to me?

i don't want a lot for christmas,
this is all i'm asking for;

i just want to see my baby standing right outside my door.
i just want him for my own,
more than you could ever know.

make my wish come true,
all i want for christmas is you.

a hug from everyone else would just be warm, yet yours simply made me want to stay in there for a long long time.
felt strangely fitting and belonged.

but perhaps to you its just like any other hug you gave.

of course, you probably wouldn't know this was the way i felt.

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theft.

honestly acting weird,
strangely not keeping cool.

the sky thief once again stealthily appeared in her quiet night sky.
with a gentle and warm smile, he reached into his pocket,
a swift wave, and the stars took their places across the darkness.

shinning so brightly, they can't help but bring a smile to her face.
although she kept telling herself its a dream,
she can't help but smile.

she knew the stars weren't meant solely for her,
and she knew she would have to wake up one day.

but this night she's simply going to smile,
as much as she want.

this night, the return of the sky thief,
her sky thief.

can't stop smiling.

so happy tonight.
so so happy tonight.
makes no sense.
must be mad.
crazy fish.

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outside looking in,
inside looking out.
isn't that what all this is about.

burn.

the cost.

dare you take all the risk for a moment like that?
dare you jump?
dare you search?

will a bottleneck make you halt?

throttle to find dream and reality never sharing the same plane,
that life, as intriguing as it begins, flickers.
rise, gentle flame, and die as one.
wild fire engulfs more than what you are able to bear; so never play with it.

sure.
i'll set fire to the rain.

and maybe, just maybe, things would return to how they were.
simple.

blaze.
catch me.

again.

so. we made a grand entrance.
unspoken, my arm around yours.
perhaps this has something to do with some scenes in my recent read.
still, t'was kind of sweet.

you.
a second time.

though it was just another dream.
maybe i do miss you more than i knew?

yet, the lesser-than-a-month memory,
before you drifted abroad,
how was this to amount to anything?

still,
it probably did.

to me.