zzz.

there's something in your tone of voice -

something that is calming, bordering on hypnosis.

soothing... yet intriguing.

something that feels like still water runs deep.

something reminiscing of moonlight sonata, a piece that i really liked.

something that makes me wonder who really, are you?

你知道 我是谁

习惯了黑的深邃
再野也无畏
等星坠的余辉照亮谁
流放者的同类
藏着寂寞在防卫
但温柔总是无坚不摧

没遇见你我是谁
没有你的我是谁
没有你 无所谓 我是谁

我在漫无目的之中虚度
又没人催促

无家可归的漂流客在妄想找到归宿
早就没了目的地像只盘旋的孤雁

就在我快要放弃之前
你突然出现
带给我光亮
让我在无穷尽的漆黑里面找到方向

不会再犹豫 不再四处张望

你拿走我的在乎我的所有注意力
但让我知道我是谁也给我一个目的地

没遇见你我是谁
没有你的我是谁
当悬丝的傀儡

有过温度的体会
瞳孔里不再是黑白灰
冷漠是盔甲里的人强忍的伤悲
一滴泪 就能被摧毁

你拿走我的在乎我的所有注意力
拒绝向宿命妥协因为心有所归

是你的 我不属于谁
你知道 我是谁

可不可以不勇敢

我们可不可以不勇敢
当心太累梦太乱无力承担
就算现很流行释然
好像什么困境都知道该怎么办

我们可不可以不勇敢?

aboard the ship of Theseus

scribble, waves,

"did it exist?"

a page, a chapter,

flip.

a gentle breeze,

crisp wind chimes and vibrant, falling petals.

a track, a trail,

a door.

footsteps, whisperings,

"are you coming in?"

not all who wander are lost.

心 . 之所动

我曾难自拔于世界之大
也沉溺于其中梦话
心之所动 且就随缘去吧

... start looking differently at the world.

finally, after such a long while, an epistemological and metaphysical film that is as intriguing as it is complex. 

"We live in a twilight world and there are no friends at dusk."

"His ignorance is our only protection."

"What's happened, happened."

"... start looking differently at the world."

there.

passion. 

intelligence. 

depth. 

quiet confidence.

mostly it.

天真

給我多一分鐘去認真

讓我重新思索這人生

然後無畏無懼的啟程

因為你的愛 值得我飛奔

相信山盟海誓的天真

擁抱奮不顧身的傷痕

清平乐

持中，制衡。

礼起于敬 而止于仁。

齐家，治国，平天下。

虽没高潮迭起的剧情，但身居高位者的种种牵制，考量，纠结反更显真实。

此剧将 ‘高处不胜寒’ 的境地发挥得淋漓尽致。

国之安稳，千丝万缕。

明君仁君所肩负的天下何止千斤重担？

君。

鹤唳华亭

君王的德行就是邦国的基石。

君子行路不但要提防小人对自己的伤害，更要提防的是和小人对抗时，自己对自己对自己的伤害，所以道比术要难得多。

道理全听，举步维艰。

道理不听，死路一条。

权，非权衡取舍，壁害趋利，

非权宜策划，图谋算计， 

非舞权弄势，强而凌弱。

为君者有所为不易，有不为更难。

有些事不可做，有些事不可错。

旅途

如果我 一颗心被你俘虏
就流浪 在你怀里的国度
我沿你手掌心的纹路启程我的追逐

如果你 眉宇都挂着孤独
就抚摸 让你冰山化成湖
我陪你 疯的任性糊涂笑的泪眼模糊

就一眼 爱变成一种天赋
心跳在你面前有了温度

我为你 开始领悟
忘掉明天和假如幸福就是满足

只一眼 爱变成一种天赋
不自觉 能牵你笑抱你哭

我为你有了旅途
不管离天涯几步 我都不在乎

三生三世十里桃花 ❤

only managed to catch this 3 years after its first release in 2017, but i can completely understand why it had been such a popular series.

the art director definitely did a charming job bringing the fantasy realm to life in this series.
the character development was done pretty well too, as was the casting, scripting, and even the editing of the series itself.

it will require a lot of will power to not fall for a character like ye hua in this story, and wishing to find someone like him to spend an eternity with.

his character practically covered all the idealistic traits of THE perfect soul mate.



there's of course his undying, transcending, self-sacrificing, intense and faithful love for susu/baiqian that will have most female audience rooting for, not to mention his inherent suaveness.

there's also his patience and willingness to make practically every single choice centering around her interest and wishes.

while at that, he also happened to be one of the most gifted celestial of his generation.
a brilliant strategist, possessing both brawn and brain, as well as a honorable character.

his capability to lead and manage tricky subjects and situations while making just and sound decisions for the greater good or for the right intention - without compromising his moral judgment - makes him extremely enticing.

it is indeed apt for a brilliant strategist like himself to only fall for someone who is genuinely kind and simple like susu, since few can parallel his intelligence and meticulousness in this series.

nevertheless, the ultimate soft spot for all female audience has to be his deeply affectionate and cheeky side which he only shows when he is around susu/baiqian. this sits extremely well with the fundamental notion of everyone wishing that they are unique and irreplaceable in this world, especially to the person they are in love with.



爱在天地中流转
 一颗心为谁奔忙
四海八荒 身在何方
 岁月该如何安放

掌心的泪握到滚烫
只愿为你三生痴狂
落花满天 又闻琴香
与你天地间徜徉

如果爱太荒凉 我陪你梦一场
赎回你所有泪光.
这一路有多远 这三世有多长
执手到地老天荒.

风凄凄雾茫茫 雨滚滚雪漫漫
一步步都陪你同往
牵着手 别惊慌 管明天会怎样
哪怕注定流浪 哪怕海角天涯

手牢牢不放 爱念念不忘
人生何须多辉煌
浮华的终成空 执著的都随风
情路何须多跌宕

要遇多少风浪 心不再摇晃
一起细数这过往
陪你等 风停了 雾散了 雨住了 雪化了

再见绝美月光 还有我在你身旁

torn.

nothing's right on time,
illusion never change.

dare i.

on my own
pretending he's beside me

when i lose my way i close my eyes
and he has found me

and i know it's only in my mind

all the lights are misty in the river
in the darkness, the trees are full of starlight

every day i'm learning
all my life

without me
his world will go on turning

and i know it's only in my mind

l'amour

J'aurais tant à lui dire si j'avais su parler.

anchor and waves.

a verb, not a fixed state of attainment.

trust, is key.

time

an ephemeral glimpse of eternity -

why the longing for something fleeting, now and then?

footprints in the sand, here now, gone later - what remains, save an etched, brief thought?

a heart's sojourn transpired, she heaves.

spark

darkness is the state of absence of light; it only manifests when light ceases to exist.
hope, a trick candle, never fails to re-light itself.

a calling ignites a spark,
a spark fuels passion,
passion changes things.

it only takes a spark to start a fire,
that can be relentless in its destruction, or cleansing, in its own way.

humanity can be shaped with just a single spark - for better or for worse - it all boils down to the person holding that spark.

one day, when you receive the spark,
decide how you can burn most brightly with it - for worthy causes - then pass it on and inspire others to do the same.

you only live once - burn bright.

balladino by sia

and baby you fall

a little piece of you

and it's a piece left in tact

a part that won't act

but it's overdue

so, you could just fail

you could lower your tail

and just lay down to die

but a sliver of hope

and a dream to elope

so sees my good eye

and i

i see your infinite and i

i see your definite

you push that shape-shifting smile

and as your defense falls

like your castle walls

it comes crashing down

it comes crashing down

but i heal you

you don't want love anymore

but you're drowning, oh

and i feel you

you shut love out evermore

peace surrounds you, oh

so, you could just fail

you could lower your tail

don't just lay down to die

"it has always been you."

once in a blue moon,
a random historical romance drama got one thinking about the idealistic notion of love

perhaps even if eternity were not an option,
and that one has to endure the crumbling sort of pain when it comes to parting,



it may still be worthwhile in the end.

perhaps.

dive

i'm off the deep end, watch as i dive in
i'll never meet the ground
crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us
we're far from the shallow now

mark . equal

lovely.

thought i found a way
but you never go away

i hope someday i'll make it out of here
even if it takes all night or a hundred years

need a place to hide, but i can't find one near
wanna feel alive, outside i can't fight my fear

isn't it lovely, all alone?
heart made of glass, my mind of stone

tear me to pieces, skin to bone
hello, welcome home

walking out of time
looking for a better place

something's on my mind
always in my head space

your eyes.

君心

万人之上，无人之巅。

"因为君心从来就是这世上最难揣摩，
最难把握的东西，
也是最不可信赖的东西。"

~如懿传

conclusion

the four-month hypothesis: an update.

little furred beast went off and play on its own.
a cute tuft of fur to say the least.
nonetheless, four months were all it needed -
for it to give up bugging me.

interesting.

now i know.

a picture paints a thousand words

painting a big picture is a daunting task.

from varying stroke styles to balancing the color tones - blending and harmonizing each layer on this seemingly never-ending canvas require masterly finesse - no less.

looking forward to the day where more fine artists join the ranks - so i may return to sketching my simpler, smaller art pieces... those closer to my heart... those where i can doodle without a care.

treading between both worlds in itself is already quite a challenge, what more to act as a portal and bridge?

times where i wish i never knew how much i missed out while i am painting... just so i feel a little better.

erised

"erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi"

times where i wonder,
what exactly would i see?

would i be surprised?

if i were, does it mean that i do not know my own heart?

its perhaps not too difficult to know what we like,
but 'love' and 'desire' are strong, dangerous words.

the kingdom of night and glass

the castle sat atop the mountains, surrounded by perpetual darkness, engulfed by an air of magic and mystery.

she could feel her own heartbeat quicken.

should she?

atomic number 82

 a heavy metal denser than most common materials, yet also soft and malleable.

much like the same word in verb form.

ashore

a relatively mad 48 hours of sorts.

first instance of anger, perhaps more disappointment? 

tough to be you... i guess.

how many masks do you need to adorn?

just the tip of an iceberg from my end,

and oftentimes i've caught myself looking ashore.

an idealist like yourself - what keeps you going?

i mean, besides coffee, of course.

a little.

there goes my heart beating,
cos you are the reason.

swim every ocean just to be with you,
fix what's broken, make sure the light defeated the dark.

just a little closer now, come a little closer now
glance, once more.

the furry beast just grew a tiny bit.

just
a
little
bit.

day 66.
56 days to go.

a slight beam?

so.

seemed like you really beamed today.
hope this snapshot will stay with you for a while, and remain warm for some time.

another two months or so should do the trick i guess,
am already feeling it slipping away.

the beast, finally tamed a little -
a rather adorable creature still, nonetheless.

think i may also finally have an inkling of my soft spot.
its "the" sense of being misunderstood by the world.

when perhaps, deep down, one is not
every bit as evil or mean as perceived.

perhaps, beneath that strong front,
one does possess a gentle side that can do with some tender care.

no matter,
just another two months.

blink of an eye,
i'm sure.

dreaming

we're not in love
we share no stories
just something in your eyes

the shadows know me
fall into the dark side

we don't need the light

i see it, let's feel it
while we're still young and fearless

beneath the sky
as black as diamonds
we're running out of time

don't wait for truth
to come and blind us
let's just believe their lies

no secrets worth keeping
so fool me like I'm dreaming

a simple name, miles away.
brief, gentle flutters.

a month, in a moment.

hypothesis: day 13

a small project
a four-month hypothesis

none, or none.
december twenty eighth.

today the beast grew a little, just a little.

a rather adorable creature still,
(at the moment).

grey eyes.
this little creature has clear, grey eyes.

it would appear this little creature
is brimming a little too.

understandably,

who wouldn't love a little escape -
especially a sanctioned one.

next hypothesis forecast: probably two months later.

chambre de chassé

feed the beast,
it grows.

too easy,
to lose.

thoughts,
they wander.

(my) reflection,
your eyes.

your reticence,
matches mine.

never lingered,
perilous.

strangely attractive -
such mysterious aloofness.

wrapping my head round
this gentle leap,

this unavailing skip
of my own heart beat.

a little more gauche,
a less redolent sonata,

and desire,
the sooner siphoned.

yet, the hardest logic remains.
a third entity to pique my interest -

seriously, genes?
compromised, much?

good thing,
nothing could come out of this.

perhaps then i could afford to be a little more indulgent,
and feed this little beast of mine a little more,

just so i can continue to be amused (at myself, mostly).
after all, there's simply no way i can lose in this.

this fish that dreamt a world away,
surely has no qualms in her most recent imagining.

masks.

masks are but accessories to adorn when facing people who does not matter. pretty useful, i'd say. all the right moves at all the right places.

go ahead and wear a mask. so when you're with people you truly care about, you can simply remove it and reveal your true self.

go ahead and wear a mask. so you won't ever have to change who you essentially are. masks give you the option to hold on to the real 'you' at your core, and at the same time survive the not-so-"real"  world out there.

still think you know me?

some

books of old
legends and the myths
don't see myself upon that list
where'd i wanna go?
not looking for anybody

perhaps fairy tale bliss
something i can turn to
something just like this
someone i can miss

someone just like this.

heaven, bridge, ocean, drops.

"... but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?"

~ robert browning

what if one never actually thought about reaching the heavens to begin with?

what if all one wanted was to build a bridge to link everyone together?

what if all one wanted was to contribute in small, simple, little ways?

what if heaven is so far away one begins to lose sight of everyone and everything she loves?

what if one misses her little corner on earth so very much?

“my life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops?”

~ david mitchell

same box.

"after the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box."

6 years on, a new perspective.

there are many games to be played in one's life; some born of our choices, some of circumstances, some inevitable.

some we lose, some we win. some well-played, some less so. but of these games, one thing remains consistent - we learn.

choose each battle carefully - ready the chess pieces - decide the right time to fight them.
fight all battles well; give your best shot in every game, play fair and aboveboard, with wit.

then, regret nothing.

start.

as it was in the beginning,
it is now,
and ever shall be.
world, without end.

the wheel reinvented,
the cycle, repeated.

the dripping,
the reaping,
the mirror.

possibility

one's perception,
another's contraption.

a born contortionist,
conformed by nothing.

boundless,
reach.

walk.

i led a fine steed across the fields.
i thought, perhaps if i gave it a little more time,
it would reach its full potential.

tired of trudging, pulling it along,
at last i stopped.
as the dust settled from around us.

i stood and watched, thinking.

perhaps my sight has been set too far,
and my hopes, too high,
a marathon, not a sprint, i kept telling myself.

but i keep losing my grip on the lead rope.
maybe i should walk instead, on my own.

sky thief

walking between the raindrops
riding the aftershock beside you
off into the sunset
living like there's nothing left to lose
chasing after gold mines
crossing the fine lines we knew

hold on and take a breath
i'll be here every step
walking between the raindrops with you

will you, still?

wonder why you came to mind during the movie... despite knowing the impossibility of it all. if our paths had crossed earlier, would things be different then, sky thief? would you still be you, and me, me?

love. a dissection

“to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. to love is to be vulnerable.”

'love', best summed up by C.S. Lewis.

the 10th year, 12 days late.

a voltex of kindred spirits,

an old soul by the window.

the yellowed willow billowed -

a serenade by the canary.

in her mind palace an empty throne sat.

time slowed, eyes closed,

zugzwang

the selection - a thought.

the selection novella.

despite its predictability and typicality, kiera cass accurately illuminated the hopes of (i dare say 90%, if not all) ladies when it comes to the notion of love.

its protagonists, america singer and eadlyn schreave, both expressed characteristic traits that are highly relatable by majority of the female gender in my generation especially - independent, thinking, afraid of getting hurt, and enjoy our freedom a little too much to settle for the fleeting notion of 'love'.

while both protagonists did not exactly consciously look for 'love', they somehow managed to stumble upon it under a series of unbelievably coincidental circumstances. afterall, if a guy of maxon schreave's calibre were to turn up in my life one day, confessing his unconditional love for me for simply being who i am, and not bat an eyelid to take a bullet for me - i'm certain there's no way i will be able to resist his charm.

here's the catch though - neither 'the selection' nor 'maxon schreave' exist in real life - and i am well aware of this. perhaps for me, at the end of the day, i'm just waiting for someone to remind me of this song by chantal:

"somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
there's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

if you knew how lonely my life has been
and how long i've been so alone
and if you knew how i wanted someone to come along
and change my life the way you've done

it feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
it feels like i'm all the way back where i come from
it feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
it feels like i'm all the way back where i belong

a window breaks, down a long, dark street
and a siren wails in the night
but i'm alright, 'cause i have you here with me
and i can almost see, through the dark there is light

well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
and how long i've waited for your touch
and if you knew how happy you are making me
i never thought that i'd love anyone so much

it feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
it feels like i'm all the way the back where i come from
it feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
it feels like i'm all the way back where i belong
it feels like i'm all the way back where i belong"

and if one day he ever decides to appear in my life, i hope for two things - that i will at least notice his presence, and maybe, just maybe, be brave enough to jump.

all.around.you.

a true leader leads by example, not by making remarks at the side; instructions will naturally be taken seriously when respect is earned. when you manage, you don't just lead, you serve. either you reject that path altogether, or do a decent job, because with great power comes great responsibility.

when you lead, how you carry yourself matters; every single decision you make no longer affects just you, but everyone under you. people look up to you for solution and direction - communicate frequently with the people you lead, preempt problems, not wait for them to occur then tackle. stay grounded, but plan ahead.

don't expect perfection from everyone, appreciate and encourage the positive things that are being done rather than see yourself as a critic. motivation can be killed, but it can also be nurtured. there is a distinct difference between being realistic and being overly critical, be mindful of the latter.

speak your mind freely if what you say is constructive, for i consider neither eloquence nor the lack of tactfulness a virtue.

you have the freedom to do whatever you want, as long as your happiness is not built upon someone else's inconvenience. you don't need to go all out and be selfless. but it would be good if you can just have the basic consideration for others.

sometimes, all you need to do is to think of what you can do within your own means then do it, period.

endless

wishes and desires entwined,
swirling currents.

bubbles.
she drowns? she lives?

dreams and beliefs conjoined,
fingers brushed against the utopia rim.

strong, the magnetism.
dark, the abyss.

endless struggle,
her two natures.

sojourn.
she passes? she fails?

she walks on.

chess pieces

on the board
chess pieces scattered
invisible threads attached

from opposing ends
two master puppeteers played
making the right move at the right time is crucial

an experienced resistant and a radical new bird,
each with their own set of strategy
each with their contemporary set of temporary loyalists

sacrifices are expected,
losses did not matter; no one was indispensable.

nothing mattered as much as winning.

the foot soldiers stood silently from a distance
watching, waiting.
wondering when it'll be their turn to be the next pawn.

aye aye captain!

a nice ark used to sail in the vast ocean;

many storms it has triumphed,

though it rocked from time to time, it fitted everyone snuggly.

it felt like home. it was home.

though there were times where the sea was rough,

the ark felt sturdy enough to last through it all,

because everyone on the ark was of one heart, and understood that they will all eventually get to the same destination together one day.

however, it came a day when everyone suddenly found themselves in separate boats,

and each boat began competing against one other,

trying to reach the destination ahead of the rest.

i just can't help but wonder, at the end of the day, 

what purpose does it truly serve, if your boat is faster, or mine?

when wooden planks of sunken boats surface one by one,

would one then question, if the change was really for the better?

or would one then be too clouded by fear of when one's turn would be?

for if a captain's role is solely to point to a location on a map, then anyone can be captain. and googlemap would do an outstanding job.

which side of the moon?

every time we’re dancing
i look into his eyes
i’m daring him to ask me
he might as well be blind

this side of the moon
i’m with you

we don’t have to be far?
will you be there waiting?

why do you seem so far away today, and the future... even further?



i dare you, quietly.
i dare you now.

dare.

the little princess.

memories, stole away into the night.
moonlight lit the path i trod.
run, so they can't haunt you.

a morphed snake,
its teeth gently grazing my fingers,
there was no pain, but i let it go,
i knew it won't hurt me, and i still put it down.

fairy dust! if there's ever an "if", i wish it was then,
but the me from then would not have the second thoughts i possessed now.

the well, the waters,
the shimmering moonlight.

what would i have done?
time and circumstance was not in our favour,

the heightened sense of fear in staking the calm present for a volatile future,
perhaps i'll never be brave enough to take that step.

she gazes into the mirage of the well,
she relish in the safety of knowing that as long as its all in her mind,
she couldn't be hurt.

no, the feeling of what could have been would never hurt as much as actual nostalgia, nor reality.

she loves the little prince,
for she was 'the' little princess, in every sense.

she is afraid.

once in a while

a bird injures its wings,
a green viper hisses.
a clock chimes,

a star lands.

cos you don't think i know what you've done,

i'm not the only one.

eve bites the apple.

for unto dust we all belong.

fallen?

don't we all. 

rules.

i stared up at the sun,
you can feel the light start to tremble,
take us down and we keep trying,
forty thousand feet, keep flying.

i'm standing frozen,
in a life i've chosen.
the cold never bothered me anyway.

sometimes.

sometimes i run,
sometimes i hide,
truth is, i'm not really sure what i want or what suits me.

drama.life.

the current trend in asian drama series, or most drama series for the matter, tend to revolve around a female lead with seemingly mundane and humble background, yet with a certain set of positive and morally righteous qualities, being sought after by a group of ridiculously outstanding male characters who are attractive and appealing (in terms of social status, economic status, looks and moral character).

in recent years, the female leads have also evolved to be more and more self sufficient, and away from the stereotypical damsels in distress, waiting to be rescued altogether. regardless, the male characters will still irrevocably fall in love with them, and (predictably), she will only give her heart to one of them in the end (often the most deserving one), or end up sacrificing herself in some way to make the story more bittersweet and memorable for the audience. often, the market is saturated with drama series carrying modernized Cinderella plot, some of which so predictable that by the second episode, i have already lost interest in it since i knew what the ending would be. 

i have to admit though, series involving clever plots, schemes and pitting of witty characters against each other are quite my kind of thing; granted in reality, possessing a good heart, sound moral and bravery is not going to get you anywhere, not without intelligence and wits. the 'bad' guys are no longer simple fools who get what they deserve at the end of the day, period. life would teach you that much. the 'good' guys who are faced with tough decisions, who had to come up with ways to counter the wicked plots and schemes without compromising on their moral grounds - these are the ones that truly appeal to me - characters with depth, who are able to remain righteous at the end of the day.

my idea of an ideal couple consist of people who love each other deeply, share similar ideals and moral values, who would not hesitate to sacrifice for each other, or for what the other believes in. it however sucks when they also happen to be such awesome people who would place the greater good over their own interests. this makes them all the more noble, but at the same time, fills you with a tinge of melancholy, since deep down you are also aware that there would undeniably come a point where they would choose to give up their own happy ending for the bigger picture, a greater good. 

an example of the kind of character that appeals to me in a recent drama series - taltal from empress ki. not romantically-linked to the female lead, but he's definitely one who has proven his strength of character and intelligence. he had every right to be arrogant, but remains humble and saves the day quietly each time.

time and tide.

built the wall, closed the door, hid the key. 

an invisible wall, a concealed door, a missing key.

living in a seemingly free dome.

what goes on in your silent mind?

wit. strength. character.

tal tal . wang yoo . seung nyang

what goes up must fall down

sometimes i feel like i can't run, i can't crawl
and sometimes i feel like i ain't nothing at all
life is a journey where you stumble and fall
but i'm okay

outlook.

when tomorrow comes
i'll be on my own
feeling frightened of
the things that I don't know

inside out.
core memories.
islands. 
the forgotten valley.

can't lose what you never had.

can't lose.
game of life.

can't win.

thoughts decompartmentalisation

wanting the best of both worlds... would that be greed or is one just pushing for excellence?

just as how a coin cannot simply possess a single side, one has to embrace the good, and at the same time be prepared to accept the bad attached with each choice we make.

compartmentalizing life brings about organisation and segregation, but the living gets torn.
departmentalization of the aspects of life on the other hand, breeds chaos, yet perhaps unites.

what do you want?

'twas

the looming clouds,
the stars,
the bright apparition,
'twas when i lost you.

the now,
filled with darkness and silence,
'twas when i lost myself.

blinded

stochastic variable.
johari's window.
depths, capacity, fear.

if you can read minds, plant thoughts and manipulate emotions, you can make anyone do anything.

there lies a certain degree of danger, a sense of power, a total possibility of you losing yourself in it all.

sow. reap.

"you either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain."

time is finite though it may seem like infinity.

from the moment you sow a seed to the moment you reap its fruits,
the time in between is spent on building patience and perseverance.

in the process of it all, you build your own character.

scarecrow

bleeding. out.

when the day has come
but i've lost my way around

and the seasons stop, and hide beneath the ground
when the sky turns gray and everything is screaming

i will reach inside
just to find my heart is bleeding

when the hour is night
and hopelessness is sinking in

and the wolves all cry
to fill the night with hollering

when your eyes are red
and emptiness is all you know

with the darkness fed
i will be your scarecrow

oh you tell me to hold on
oh you tell me to hold on
but innocence is gone
and what was right is wrong

cos i'm bleeding out
said if the last thing that i do
is to bring you down
i'll bleed it out for you

for you.

 

orchestra.

symphony,
harmony,
deep resonance.

those notes, they float!
there was nothing,
save a series of coordinated, intentional vibrations.

they lure you into the invisible world,
left you marvelling at the composer's brilliance,
makes you wonder aloud -
the universality of music.

it could have,
it may not,
it happened?

what's left after the ensemble of musicians,
what's the state after the delirious performance?

silence, contemplative silence.
all these, a figment?

for no pictures could convey,
no recordings could conjure,
the lingering atmosphere, and memories were all there were -
fragments of resounding waves.

all there were...

now.

come, follow me into the abyss.

no, i don't know its depth.

once the sea swallows the sun and dusk settles,

the wonders come alive.

 

let's share a dance in the waters,

for we don't know what tomorrow holds,

no... won't promise.

but come,

swim with me.

for all you know, i am a siren.

the daughters of the sea,

they're calling me.

you only have now.

ender's game.

brilliant minds,
one against another.
wished not, did not.
ability, intentions, means, end.

ender.
game.

pretend.

let us play, a game of pretence!
it's fun!
there - i've just done it.
your turn.
just remember to like us after that game ends.
sure!
there - i think i've done it again!

pursuit

drops of golden ichor,
tears of wisp.
i float,
i spirited.
fumes, vapors.
dust, ashes.
immortality.
witnessing heartaches and losses,
the accursed statue stood,
robed in melancholy and regalia,
for eternity.
watching mortals in their blind pursue;
"if only they knew."

wisp

swift winds; they rise and fall.
changing tides, seasons - the insignificance of man.

ever so patiently, fate lies in wait for the planned chance-meeting with time;
for, with time on his side, decision had just won the wager with wisdom.

life, welding definitions, margins and contradictions all into one,
is both long-spent and short-lived.

in the municipal array of it all, the soul of the philosopher just got older.
she sighs.

penrose stairs.

you seek not to impress, so you would not disappoint.
you seek not to give false hope, so you can minimise casualty.

you run,
afraid of the illusion and audacity of your own dreams.

you hide,
longing to be found only by the right one.

you are,
but a flight of penrose stairs.

one that can't co-exist with reality,
yet whose concept exists for eternity.

seek.

i trudged through the thick snow,
i turned,
snowflakes began filling the hollow footprints.
where... are you?

"remember the good, and never the bad."

"but what if there's nothing good that's left to remember?"

"forget. forget everything."

well-concealed behind the thorn bush, she listened. no one had the slightest idea she was there. despite the fine gashes on both her arms and the multiple slash wounds on her thigh and lower right calf, she made no whimper. streaks of blood dyed her pants red as she barely managed to suppress a smirk; a rush of euphoria and ache swelled within her.

"this is it."

"this is it."

row.

in a humble boat sat she.
gently, she rowed.

she loved the boundless sea, the unparalleled sunrise and sunset, the dazzling night sky.
at the edge of the forest, the cicada calls, the scent of pine lingers, the morning dew renews.
each day, she thought she could be here forever.

yet forever is a long time.

for like calypso, she was cursed.
the very moment she fell in love with where she was,
she will be thrown into the freezing waters and made to swim back to her little boat.

countless times she swam,
with every gulp of air; she struggled to remember all the beauty around her.

countless times she fell,
with every prickle on her skin; she struggled to hold onto all the memories, and what's left in her.

gradually, her perseverance ebbed away.
time, after all, is indeed a scary thing.

as her little boat came into view, 
her hands tightened around its rim. 

yet her worn-out soul is already beginning to lose its shimmer.
her tired mind whispers...
"how many more times? how much longer?"

lost in tears mingled with nostalgia and exhaustion, she slowly loosens her grip...

minimizing the casualties...

her lips, they never parted;
they bear the weight of the unspoken words,
the words she dared not utter.

the hidden expectations... the differences.
she kept telling herself perhaps its just her,
that she don't even know what's in your mind.

"... slowly all the faces turn to yours
like no one else exists anymore
i'd talk to you if only i could speak
and i'd dream of you if i could fall asleep..."

she dreamt, when she fell asleep.
is this... only happening in her mind?

"... i'll find an area more remote than Bavaria
i'll still get in the hair of you, in Bavaria or Bombay
and you'll find that love won't let you get away..."

she liked going out to sea with you.
she liked taking a stroll around the zoo with you.
she liked catching the sunsets with you.
she liked the impromptu pingpong game in the middle of some random street.
she liked playing the piano for you.
she liked the mini 'traffic police' adventure.

the fault in our stars, sky thief, perhaps is this:
“i'm a grenade and at some point i'm going to blow up and i would like to minimize the casualties.”

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

a hidden assumption... a footnote perhaps: provided the fella who accompanied you on the journey possesses a certain degree of altruism, and his or her presence tolerable, or even enjoyable maybe?

on the larger scale, life is but a series of expectations, disappointments, hope, joy, grief and pain. one simply cannot escape any of these phases unscathed. yet each of us deal with these phases in different ways.

the environment which one grows up in determines the preparedness and tenacity of one to accept each of these various phases - rightly so. nevertheless, one still has the option of choosing which phase to linger longer in, thereby ultimately predisposing oneself to the perception of life as either a 'purposeful' or a 'meaningless' one.

perhaps by filling one's life with transient events constantly, one's commitment to any of these phases would be expect-ably fleeting; if one simply does not linger too long, one is less likely to get hurt.

pride.

pride,
one's strength, as well as one's ultimate weakness.

to live a truly carefree life,
have absolutely zero expectation.

just as one's destiny may be fulfilled without the realisation of one's purpose,
one may also live out one's purpose, with utter disbelief in destiny.

in the gutter lay thee,
thy motionless arms, cold.
thy eyes, they behold the heavens,
the angels, engulfed by pure myrrh,
looked down upon thee,
thy secret, safe, sound.

my depth, concealed.

persistence, strength, perspective.

"a river cuts through a rock, not because of its power, but because of its persistence."

an inspiration, when told through the eyes of the river.
but for the rock, however it persisted, the river still managed to cut through it.

perspective.

what if the river had never wanted to cut through the rock in the first place? what if it had no control over its power as to where it is to flow? what if it were all mere motion? what if it had felt sorry for the rock, but is helpless about stopping its flow?

what if the rock just happens to be there? what if it had wished it was on some other place far away from the waters? what if mere serenity was all it had wanted, but unfortunately gets stuck and have to go through the ordeal of water constantly running through it over and over again? what if it were constantly screaming "get me out of here, please somebody, anybody!" but was never heard?

part of a bigger play.

perhaps one day, when the rock eventually becomes sediment grains and nothingness, it will be able to ride far far away with the river, and finally, be free.

but would it still be the same rock it used to be?

one would be blind to think the world to be perfect.
yet, the world is bound to remain imperfect if everyone simply does nothing about it, convinced that whatever they do is insignificant.

the more-than-fine balance.

assume.
"suppose to be the case, without proof."
... the reason why things never happened.

appreciate.
"being grateful for (something)."
... the lack of this,
the reason why things happen,
and why certain people feel lost and worthless.

"well you only need the light when it's burning low,
only miss the sun when it starts to snow.
only know you love her when you let her go."

dream.
"a condition or achievement that is longed for; an aspiration."
... powers believe,
and drives the passion for pursuit. 

hope.
the reason for pain,
also the reason why people hold on despite the pain.

"staring at the bottom of your glass,
hoping one day you'll make a dream last....
... maybe one day you'll understand why
everything you touch surely die."

and you let her go.

toy.

on a thin fine thread the young lady saunters,
her wandering mind, sharp, albeit shrouded.
her agility unexpected, her move surprises.
the entwining, lifeless thread in her hand she fonders,
her sleeves hissed.

入战曲伴我无悔的狂妄，我所憧憬的爱情。

《兰陵王》

左手掌握着空心，

右手掌握着痴心，

一心一意捧在手掌心 。

偏偏我越抱越緊，

偏偏我越愛越貪心，

偏偏要爱到万剑穿了心才死心。

我属于你的注定，不属于我的命运。

 

我手心的温度。

moringa turtledove

black dove, white crow perched on snow,
if you could a dove, would you rather a crow?

white as snow, black as coal,
dark ebony, blinding white.

roles, life, contrast, mosaic.
the night circus invites.

play, live, blend, collage.
the daybreak beckons.

the still stirred,
eyes open.

wednesday the fifteenth.

1. fell off a bicycle
2. hit my head against metal bar
3. slipped and hit my right elbow against a branch
4. got thrown into a little risky situation
5. almost slipped in the bathroom (again)

alive feels great. phew.

so much for 'friday the thirteenth', here's my plan for the next and final hour of wednesday the fifteenth - drift into dreamland and wake up to a safer tomorrow.

tu-en-tee-thur-tin

"After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box."

the box closes, only to be opened once more.
the game plays on,
till one's very last breath.

the fallen queen and her bishop stifle a laugh,
their horses chortle.

as the days go cold, 
and the cards all fold,

space and strings entwined,
the very marionettes of life,

on a glass jar,
rests the fairy dust.

the wine bead swirls,
it settles,
only to be drunk.

cheers,
what says you?

run

imagine dragons... civil wars.
poison. wine. demons.

when the days are cold

and the cards all fold
wish you'd hold me when i turn my back

i want to hide the truth
i want to shelter you
you only know what i want you to

when you feel my heat
look into my eyes
your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine 

don't love you but i always will

 

when your dreams all fail

and the ones we hail
are the worst of all
the less i give, the more i get back
 

don't get too close

it's dark inside

it's where my demons hide

with the beast inside
there's nowhere we can hide

when the lights fade out

all the sinners crawl

they dug your grave
 

and the masquerade
will come calling out
at the mess you made

your hands can heal, your hands can bruise

they say it's what you make
i say it's up to fate
 

it's woven in my soul
i need to let you go

your eyes, they shine so bright
i want to save their light
 

i can't escape this now

fear.

you only know what i want you to,
but i don't really know if i want you to.
you think your dreams are the same as mine,
yet they are all but bubbles of iridescence.

felt something i can't put in words,
i don't know how long this can last.
the world i paint in my mind,
don't think its real.

i run because i can.
to places where inklings are stowed safely away,
only to be extracted as memories,
a trace in time.

i'm cautious when i shouldn't be,
rational when i know i am not.
afraid to fall when i tell others to be brave,
but i'm tired of tumbling down the grey.

i feed on melancholy,
the ethereal bitter-sweet.
instead of love,
save my heart.

love, always intense, always strong.
always heavy, so i'll never be ready.
convince me, but you shouldn't have to,
i shouldn't need it, why should i need it?
fear always win, it always does.

i watch the dandelions dance in the wind - they always do.
they're never bound,
they're always free.

i'll dance,
i'll fly.

dream.

you only want to hear what you want to hear,
not what i have to say.

misgivings.

a million tiny broken pieces, 
seemingly whole,
far from perfection.

be.dazzled -
it takes more than courage and sweat to pursue a dream,
it takes heartaches and patience,
it takes
your pride away.

yet, a dream is a dream.
it is essentially,
not everything
in life.

cheers.

i ladled sadness, drank sorrow in a single toast.
i swindled the wind, i stole tomorrow.
i called to the sea, i flew over it,
i rose.
the weight of the amnesty, i sank,
i woke.

right.

it takes years to build an empire, a misstep to throw it all away, a missed shot to realise what truly matters and a wise soul to weather it all. 

the empire stood, in all its regalia and splendour; man, his foolish banter. 
one hardly knows what comes after; life, misshapes.

not angry.

you're nothing more than an empty shell... not even a pretty one.
you live in the past, expecting the world to do your bidding.
you tried so pathetically to justify that because the world is unfair, you have no reason to assume even your own responsibility, while all the time you expect everybody else to do the exact opposite of what you yourself are doing.
you jump at the first opportunity to criticise and judge, and then retreat beneath your own stack of excuses to paint a distorted self image.
i shall not despise you.
i will not get angry.

to be happy, one has to realise the meaning of love, and to find a way to cope with life that does not push love away.

therefore i pity you.


because you know neither forgiveness, nor the meaning of love.

:)

of all the faces
you were the one next to me
you can feel the light start to tremble
washing what you know out to sea

walking between the raindrops
riding the aftershock
off into the sunset
chasing the gold mines

there's a smile on my face
we're better than alright

61 days!

an aloof idealist bordering on impracticality...

give an inch, take a mile.
seventy times seven times.

reasoning differences -
choices, paths, dilemma. 

refraining from judgement,
shallow... impetuous.

refusal to fight... not without the means to.

an aloof idealist bordering on impracticality.

prologue.

609 days ago, as sure as she was about quiet guy, she proved herself wrong 274 days later.

her first conscious awareness of the sky thief... 609 days ago,
her first overpowering reminder of her own feelings 346 days later.
81 days since her efforts at trying to leave things behind... and ongoing.

first observation of the evening star 564 days ago... silence since... till perhaps today.
still, very much silent, for now.

79 days since she's begun her most recent harmless-yet-fascinating sport of orca waiting and watching... certain that nothing more will come out of it, yet with every message in the bottle, her heart never fails to give that gentle leap... still of course nothing will ever happen. how safe and comfortable this fish must have felt on this subject matter! :)

leaves

quietly, the dandelion stands.
gently, the dandelion sways.
rooted, this little sapling holds.

she wonders both day and night, when?
both day and night, when?

at last, asleep fell she,
till the sun rose her.

and came the day where the wind carried them afar,
so far away.

she felt so light.

the influence, so subtle.

she felt free.

she knew now,
she leaves.

"sometimes it’s worse for us human beings to lose something dear to us than never to have had it at all.”

wise guy.

inspired
"a leader is best when people barely know he exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say: we did it ourselves."

love  “being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

life
“knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power. if you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich.”


he must have knew, mastered and realised. lao tzu.

script write flash 1

"don't expect you to understand.
don't appreciate you being here.
don't need your unsolicited involvement.
just back off, and leave me alone.
all i want is an autistic moment.
if you didn't figure this part of me exist, its time you re-calibrate your own perspective - because maybe, you don't know me."

script-writing mode: on

fringe

share a dance with the devils, incognito.
balance precariously the snippets that kept you hanging on and those jaded moments.

take a deep breath and continue walking on this thin, fine rope.

i hope you'll survive.
i hope you'll never lose yourself.

in.significant.

"You don't even know what you don't know."

"I think of you as I would an ant colony as I pass by it. I don't care about the workings of the colony, why one ant is mad at another or why one ant would kill another or not. To me, it is insignificant. And like an ant colony, you are oblivious to your limitations. You think the black over your head is dark skies... when it is really our shoe."

"People make up explanations... assign meaning to things without knowing, because it's reassuring. It's comforting. But I can't do that... because I know too much."

fringe. one has got to love its perspectives.

something

stare right straight into the glaring light, and all you'll see is nothing
keep looking into the darkness, and all you're ever going to see is nothing, too.
 
you've got to look where the light falls, you'll see, you'll begin to see.

everything you touch surely dies

staring at the bottom of your glass
hoping one day you'll make a dream last
but dreams come slow and they go so fast
you'll see it when you close your eyes
maybe one day you'll understand why
everything you touch surely dies

maybe one day you'll understand why
everything you touch surely dies

well you see it when you fall asleep
but never to touch and never to keep
cos you loved it too much and you dive too deep

only know you love it when you let it go
and you it go
and you it go.

propensity and potential

propensity and potential.
one who impresses yet assures.
one who inspires yet possesses the spirit of humilty.
one who's after freedom, yet would not think twice giving it up for one's love.
one who's given the choice and chooses the nobler option.
one who does not...
exist.

for there's only this much one's heart can hold, and only this many one can love whole-heartedly.

human

instinct.
preservation.
the selfish gene.
immortality.

human.