"i'll like a drop of rainwater refracting light...
and a dash of illumination across the endless dark too."

Monday, February 9, 2009

initially, the graph of self awareness followed the trend y = 0.1x. however, after a certain point along the x-axis (age), the graph became an exponential function. and i denote this critical point of transition by (self-centredness, selfishness). its formula being "everything is about me, period."

irritatingly, you observe that its the same case with everyone (most people) around you. and even more annoyingly, you realised your own graph is beginning to shape like this as well. and you totally detest this actual becoming of this type of "someone" whom you never liked and would never want to become. argh. totally (O_0) annoyed and irritated.

thank god for the certain few good souls around me that are not like this and don't make me feel like this either. whenever did voicing out become so important to people all of a sudden? why do i feel such a strong distaste to be around people who always speak but seldom listen? could it be because i am also one of them, hence the existence of 2 dominant species?

yet i can still feel the sense of harmonised comfort when that few good souls are around me - our turns to talk and listen are simply so well balanced? i don't really want to listen, therefore i do not want to speak. or perhaps, i don't really want to speak to you, therefore i don't want to listen to you?

but why the want for a response or an acknowledgment? why is it so important to be heard? because you can't find the right person to give you 99% of the right responses you expect to get? perhaps i am biased because i had always been listened to. yet why are there just some people you simply enjoy listening to and sharing with? affinity? play of emotions, mood?

how exactly do you stay unbiased and non-judgmental towards individual speakers? still find this extremely challenging and tiring - to be a nice and good person and at the same time stay true to your thoughts and feelings. sometimes, somehow the guilt following your want for being carefree without attachment just wears you out. can one ever get the right balance, and, even if one does get it one day, will happiness then be guaranteed?

life is about.

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