hehehe. back again. recently felt quite free-spirited in some sense :D picked up some really precious lessons in life and grew some wisdom? lol. i guess its just about getting some light and better insights into some stuff in my life ba... hmm hmm. like this feeling of shoving interesting experiences into my very own life's treasure-box along with some discoveries, memories and adrenaline rushes.


i think strength really comes from having courage to take the first step and then accepting with grace what comes after and never running away. patience is of utmost importance... really must be generous with giving ourselves time to understand and never rush. many a times its really boiling down to how we look at some stuff in life - our own perspectives are what that are influencing us. spending some quiet moments alone reflecting and thinking really helped. of course not to mention the time spent with meow, one of my two bestest buds in my life is just plain thankful for.
i guess its really really not high chance to find another whom you know truly understand what you are thinking about, cares for, feels for and thinks so much the same as. its kinda scary to like have someone knowing me so well, second to myself and my mom? haha. yet the feeling is indescribable... its like you know she'll always be there for you and like you just know deep down the friendship shared is the strongest among the rest and can really stand the test of time. you can't really explain but you just know kind of thing... i guess must experience yourself then will know de ba.. some stuff. hahz. its fortunate enough to have one but to have two is just plain lucky. my 2 best friends in life are really amazing wonders. thankful. gen & meow.

its like when you hear updates from them on similar things that happened to other friends, you'll naturally want and really wish to know more and feels so much more for their happenings. when you are updating them about recent happenings, you'll fill them in with much more details as well... special privileges like that. hahz... its just different as when you are sharing with others... dunno how to say.
... currently feeling the stress mounting up to exams (inevitable as usual) but nevertheless looking forward to the holidays and since exams happened to come before that... so i guess no choice, gotta get "pass" them first... :(

hmmm hmm. hehehe but really feel very free-spirited at the moment. this feeling rocks.

got this from a email forwarded by a friend.

when the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray

being happy doesn't mean that everything is prefect. it just mean that you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

touched me somehow.

just me and the sea, perhaps my book and pencil pls?

time when i wanna be alone, looking at the endless sea, not needing to care if the world still spins as long as mine pause for me.

time when i wanna be washed by the gentle rain, to walk and feel that life is not a rush.

to simply pause and enjoy the beautiful things around and not dash past each day without seeing the meaning and wonder.

but seems like now i can't. time seems to be never enough. i wonder why.

i need some time and space alone. just me and the sea, perhaps my book and pencil but time seems to be never enough. i wonder why.

is a busy hectic life necessary fulfilling? am i getting what i think i want? do i see in myself what i think i see? time to do some reflective re-evaluation in life. in my life.

one. life is simply so err... exciting and full of amazing happenings. in short, its just not too far from what we read or see in movies' and stories' plots basically... at least it appears so for me. hmmm... so fun and sometimes, really quite funny. interesting and a lot of things can really happen within a short period of time. :) re-affirmed that seriously. hehe

two. it is really possible that we can stun ourselves. i used to so doubt that saying lah... now gotta eat my own words. but i also must pat myself on the head (and maybe shoulder too) for whatever i did... just this week already got 2 things that can make me raise my own eyebrows very high at myself le. wahaha. a secret between me, myself and i. :D however, still must remind myself not to drink coffee too often in the wee hours... its always the case when adrenaline is too high and we are not getting enough sleep to think clearly... but in any case, i was quite glad i did them no matter what. hahz. then again i guess the constant happening of too much exciting stuffs is not exactly under one of the causes of heart attack... so should be fine. start believing in what you can't believe.

three. there are some games that kids like me really shouldn't start playing or join in yet... simply cos childish people just love the easy and less complicated way out. and i miss the "play like no one else is watching you" kind of feeling so much, too much to start. but then again life is just unpredictable so for now shall just keep this at that and see what other exciting things life has in store for me... better concentrate on the game of life literally.

cool cool week. exciting and errs... somewhat fun. hahz. truly free-spirited for now. and, love this.

fears and problems are only as you see them.

times where you tell people to put themselves in your shoes and they'll understand.
times where you might not, in the first place, understand yourself.

be a day of me and you'll understand.

decided. more or less. things be.

be a day of me and you'll understand.

too much of too much,
too little of too little.
too much of too little,
too little of too much.
just nice. contented. happiness. at this very moment.

one can't retain happiness forever,
but one can remember one was once very happy, truly happy.
a moment like this is.

list of ppl to thank on boxing day & for post-yaya/huijun/cecilia/ceci-just-turned-21 bday party 2008:

1. Daddy and Mummy:
for giving this precious life to me and for the past 21 years never making me feel a moment of being alone and unloved. for trying their best to give me everything i now have. for everything they sacrificed knowingly or instinctively.

2. I am genuinely amazed by my blessings' creative juices and effort. i can really feel it guys, really.

nanhua si3 dang3 aka dedicated member of the saikang committee...
for the 4 of you: i think one thing that i truly feel very special is the fact that i felt that during the party you guys are not the invited participants but my zi4 ji3 ren2, helping to host and run the whole thing for me and yet never fail to surprise me. PQ, you rocked at dispersing leftover food and mopping floor sia.. queen of clearing-up-aftermath.. though most of the mess came from you. meow and teobei, how come its always the small-sized ppl who so you3 li4?! SJ and teobei, i know lugging 5 kg of ice and mango puddings from IMM is not exctly a light chore. meow and SJ, sorry for making you guys run ard to get the drinks and err the sparklers that in the end i never play. wahaha. and ya, one more thing i love - to see all of you zi4 yuan4 jump into the pool and get wet and then hurried out cos scared security guard catch. the part where like you guys start taking out your valuables and surrending to my mom before jumping into the pool is so funny. interestingly memorable. yup.

meow: for the gift: though haven't err officially recieve full package of your err big big gift yet, but i know ur ultra large production probably zapped up more than like the whole year of your own time when you could have used it for other stuff. for the party: without your erm... analysis and encouragement to all my insecurities and sian-ness throughout the planning stage, i probably would have dismissed this idea and perhaps totally not knowing what i missed out. for everything else, i think you know what i wanna tell you le. 3 words.

pq: i truly truly never expect your hou4 li3 seriously and honestly. i also didn't suspect your disappearing act when the rest were at my place during the pre-party preparation... i really thought it was school work. i am really touched lah. for your present, your time, your effort, your sweat and your hou4 ai4. for knowing me, for knowing how important a home and family is to me - i also want you to know that friends like you are equally irreplaceble in my definition of happiness in my future.

sj: i truly truly love your violin playing and the whole effect y0u and PQ arranged for me during the cutting of my cake, it is truly amazing. your card is ultra pretty and super you3 xin1 and side track a bit, i just dun get how my violin ends up at chevrons when i never see you with it since we met... and i also love the fact that you jumped into the pool willingly knowing that you didn't came with any clothes. you rocked hard.

teobei: haha. love to see you arrive earliest at my place and start saikang-ing. love the egg you cut for my bee hoon seriously. they seem to add another taste to things... a taste called effort and warmth. love the music ambience your forty bucks speakers created. your mp3 songs. your daring first venture to tell me the cake smells a bit funny and then you know the rest. love to see you running around technically and practically the most during the party. love you for letting me push you into the pool with me too :P

the rest of my nanhua jie3 meiz4... friendship is a sweet journey
really thanks for coming... and when pushing me into the pool, you guys really reminded me of the fun and crazy secondary school days we had together... those days i truly enjoyed every single one of them. heard some requests here and there to ask me to remain childish and then some telling me to be more mature... haiz. so mafan and confusing. but since you guys know me so long le, prob can guess that i'll remain like this for many many years down the road ba... too bad if you find this irritating :P this year's trend from you guys seem to hint that i am sweet (thanks) but i think you guys are truly the sugars responsible for the sweet tastes and days of my life. love you guys. stay sweet and... friendship with you guys is indeed a sweet journey.

once a saintz... WHY - my favourite jue2 dui4 superband of the year and many more to come!
WHY band ROCKS! you guys know who i am talking about. i want your autographs!!! haha. you
guys damn well unexpectedly stunningly surprised me lah. so quiet quiet then did such a big project for me... seriously you all ah... the MTV and production video simply left me speechless (i almost died laughing on my bed) and wt: your mom very ke3 ai4. her erm special appearance is not arranged right? the songs rocked. if you guys become famous and cut album nxt time dun forget me hor. wt: help me thank your sis too!!! i think you all really very very cool lah, the whole idea and how much time and effort you all spend on the whole thing. i really love everything about it. this is the most most unique one and only and special album i ever had. it is simply priceless and i will definitely zhen1 xi1 it. love you all!!!

estab since 1998/mk & pxh: i'm still waiting lor.... haiz!!! but heard from my mom the preview to my present from you 2 looks promising?... hmmm. haha. mk: thanks for sai-kanging as my professional photographer!!! pxh... why you come so late and miss my speech huh? hahz. but glad you stayed till 4am playing mahjong :P hope you guys had fun!

there are simply too much to be mentioned...
to all my friends whom i don't always get to meet up or those i just knew last year, i am truly grateful for all your presence at my party and all the presents you guys got.

my 2 meiz: thanks for staying till so late though got attachment the next day and you 2 are really like 2 small angels to me :)

my wanna-tiao4-hai3 bridge partner/makan khaki: mindy!!! fellow twenty-one-ian! thanks for coming and your prez!!! (though no crab for you to peel during my party) wahaha!

csa (2nd family):

SENIORS:
iggy... i heard you smashed me cake too?? you be careful the next time we meet ok!!! oh, and nick: sorry for erm you sitting around and not doing anything and kena-ing a piece of cake i presumed was meant for me. haha. thanks all of you guys for adding so much noise and fun to my party. though we know each other less than a year, glad you guys came and yup. hope all of you had fun :p

oiz...fellow freshiez (haiz... cun use this term in another few more months...)
heyz. sorries din get to talk to you guys much. err... hope my crazy friends didn't stun you guys too much. hee.
sherm/sis: cecelia/cecila/cecilia??? thanks for the card and erm - at least you got my name spelled correctly there. haha... i assume nxt yr you will eventually get my name right right? but i really really appreciate it oki? haha. :D luv ya loads too (i'm not les either):P !!! luv ya really.
tiff/roomie/groupie: i thank god for you too. the rest i guess you'd know since we think so similarly. :P
pretty isis: i'll try not to stress myself... haha :D luv ya too sis! so glad you are back in foc subcom :P stay perpeptually high.
anne: hehe... i really enjoyed talking to you that nite too... so must talk more in future ok? i think talking more really brings people closer somehow... coming foc i think got a lot of chance :P
josh/dean/jon: really thanks for coming and all ur prez and cards!!! hee. jon help me thank your friend andy again ok? thx!

see you guys soon... lisc / any subcom meetings anyway we are in most of them anyways :)

bs peeps: thanks so much for the effort to hand make stuff despite busy tuts, lects and lab reports. i can foresee you guys' alternative career paths - bakery and accessory shops owners-to-be/made-to-order cards for all occasion avail.

never ever felt happier yesterday at my 21st birthday celeb. truly truly amazing. all my loved ones really made me feel so special and loved. sometimes words can describe a lot but not tell much. my nan hua si3 dang3 really did their wonders one more time... never fail to surprise me time and again and give me the warmth that really fills my heart completely. they are like family hosting and saikang-ing whole day and night for me. i never knew things would be so amazing, wonderful and beyond my wildest imagination. just wanna say i really really really love all of you!!!!!!!!! hehe... despite all the cake smashing, sauce splashing and dunking me into the swimming pool (but i got all of them in eventually... so.... hehe) love every single moment yesterday!!!

love the way meow (log head aka head of saikang for yaya's bdae committee) stood beside me, never failing to give me encouragement and cheer me up admist all the busy prep. love the way teobei cuts the fried egg for my beehoon. love her for her music supply. love the way sj played the violin for me from lvl 2 as pq draws open the curtain and show me the most most beautiful dream house (i've ever ever seen) she did for me. love the fact that all of them did so much handmade stuff despite err time constraints. love all the effort and hard sweat presents everyone did for me. love everyone. love god for all good things come from him. love every single blessings in my life. its a lovely day (and night). a super pleasant surprise.

hmm hmm. i guess recently we are all just tired bah... had a long long nite out with meow last nite... impromptu and random again... i guess this week hasn't exactly been going too well for us both... but somehow the time we spend together never fail to lift up our spirits at the end of the day. really really like this feeling... the feeling of knowing someone actually knows me so well and me knowing the person equally well, this feeling is simply rare and must be cherished at all costs.

i guess its called warmth. really thank god for my this best friend. he seems to have somehow arranged in a way such that there'll always be an angel whom i can turn to whenever i need one... gen used to stay just a few blocks away before she went aust and then meow had to shift down from changi to pgp to be so near me... its like there'll always be someone close to me within reach and i really love and appreciate this feeling.

there's no point in asking liars anything because you simply can't tell the truth and false apart, and it'll tireth you. you may, however, look into their eyes and, feel sad for you realised, perhaps they had lost the courage or strength to reveal themselves. perhaps hurt, perhaps protection. perhaps time. and you wonder if you should feel happy for them for having this ability in the world today. but this is one skill that i'll never wish i learn.

the eyes, the soul and heart of us... its sad when you either look into eyes that are shut from the inside or those that stopped shining altogether.

its always the happy people that people like to hang around with. maybe its because people already have enough burdens to themselves. never liked clowns since young... somehow just gives me the feeling of surface happiness, trying to cheer up everyone when they may actually feel so sad and tired inside. smile when its not genuinely from the heart is pointless and devalued, yet so often used. you can really laugh off a friend's jokes and mean it but yet you don't exactly feel like laughing at all. i guess that's why its called humor. is each of us a clown or its just us having a clown in us deep down?

our mind is simply amazing and wondrous. i love my mind's ability to create through drawing and writing but it seems to come with the package of over-thinking and the inability to stop even though it knows its supposed to. nevertheless, a controlled mind can never create... and i accept this.

the human mind and heart seem to have the tendency and capability of constantly finding things to keep themselves occupied somehow. the kaleidoscope is special because what we see from the outside is so different from what we see from inside it. do you see it as a world on its own, beautiful and wondrous or simply, a fantasy that does not exist and never will?

i guess we all need

. some time to ourselves . away from the crowd . some space by ourselves .

to clear certain clouds in our heads. never knew one can have the ability to conceal thoughts and true emotions so well and switch so fast. innate ability? part of human nature? or we simply learned? i like the rain but where is the sun?

how well do you truly know yourself? wait or move on? used to think one can wait indefinitely for some things. used to think once decided, things will always stay the same until faced with the possibilities that new things brought along. unexpected.


in the rain he stood. by the door she waited. tired, she walked away. sadly, he turned around. he wanted to shout but did not. she wanted to hear but could not. all it needed was the courage to take the step. but no one did. one by one, the petals fell. the steps were wet but not by the rain. the door which stood between them still did. she wanted a shoulder to lean on. he needed a hug. one refused to knock, the other to open. the direction will always differ, won't it? the pace will never coincide, will it? both will never know, will they?

maybe the time. maybe the rain. maybe it was never meant to be. if its anything, its now. then again it may have been nothing.

just sent gen off last night... though its only for 8 months, though internet/tech is advance, though there's skype, though we may not even meet up for more than 10 times during the 8 months if she were still here in s'pore, though we both know she'll be back, though logically and rationally i know and understand a lot of other stuff, somehow just can't hold back the tears. wonder why. must be that stupid large "departure" sign and the glass panels at the gates of t3. must be the hug that never fail to start wetting dunno how many ppl's eyes. must be the "pls take care of yourself when i'm unable to see you or be there straight away within a call or sms". must be i'm too used to being just a few blocks away from her for the past 12 yrs. must be the 12 years of friendship. must be the fact that she is my best friend. must be because she won't be here when i turn 21. must be because we both just cry very easily. must be my weakness for not being able to take departure in my stride. not surprising. it has always been so. dear lord pls pls watch over this best friend of mine and keep her safe. amen. miss her so much when its only been a nite. just wet my cheeks one more time. wonder why.

sometimes life is just so plain funny and interesting because of the unexpected stuff it throws at you. sets you thinking constantly basically. but i'm quite glad i managed to clear some jumbled thoughts from my already-quite-filled mind. lol. feels much more relaxed and happy now. yeah~ haha :P oh... its time to bring in the new year mood!!! yipee!!!

nevertheless, timing is still very important i realised... like a lot of things can really be changed before or after some thing(s) happen. wahaha. oki. and yeah, its really time to put down and let go of some stuff so i'll be happier. yep that's all for now. have a happy chinese new year everyone!!! woo-hoo!

life is so full of contradictions and complications it can be so tiring, really tiring. why can't things be straight forward? why can't people flash what they think across their foreheads? though i guess if they really did, more complications may occur. the longest distance is indeed from our heart to our brain. its a sudden realization on my part now that one can seriously get exhausted by thinking too much. anyone know how to stop that?

when can i get an answer? wherever is the finishing line? wherever is the start line? where do i stand? am i even in the race? can i stop contradicting myself? can i stop thinking so much? can i stop getting affected? can i throw in a white towel because i don't want to play this game anymore? i didn't even sign up for this game. this is so unfair. so not fun. so tiring. can you please blow the whistle? can you please make an announcement? can you hear me? can you stop being yourself? can i stop getting annoyed and angry at myself? will the race ever begin? i don't have an answer - do you?!

helplessness was never a good feeling.
feelings are never meant to be controlled.

this is the first time i wish i can be colder.
the effect is unexpected and really wearing me out.
i am tired, i really am.

how long more can i wait?
how much more can i take before i do something?
that i may regret?

i don't know - do you?! you most probably won't too. you are too you.

you caught my eyes from amongst the stars and you didn't know...

In a perfect world
One we've never known
We would never need to face the world alone

They can have the world
We'll create our own
I may not be brave or strong or smart
But some where in my secret heart

I know
Love will find a way
Any where we go
I'm home
If you are there beside me

Like dark turning into day
Some how we'll come through
Now that I've found you
Love will find a way

I was so afraid
Now I realize
Love is never wrong
And so it never dies

There's a perfect world
Shining in your eyes
And if only they could feel it too
The happiness I feel with you

They'd know
Love will find a way
Any where we go
we're home
If we are there together

Like dark turning into day
Some how we'll come through
Now that I've found you
Love will find a way

I know love will find a way

recently a friend of mine told me something that got me thinking a bit... how good a person is also means how bad the person can get... hmm... so how bad a person is probably also means how good the person can be then?... something like how much your intensity of loving someone equals the capacity you can hate him/her in return? in any case, is it better to start being bad or good first? can someone really be good from the start till the end? as in really really good to everyone that kind... how do you know if you are being nice because of habit or really being nice because you want to be nice? won't a good person ever get tired of being nice and stop or like meet with some drastic changes in life to become extremely bad?dunno. i think good or evil is just a thin line away. thinking something bad but not executing it... does it necessary mean we are less evil? is there somewhat a link between being yourself and being self-centered? is there a connection between living for others and putting others before yourself? can we genuinely do that? its like what if one day you were to choose between your life and maybe the lives of 20 other random ppl you don't know when you just found the one right for you? what if the choice was between the life of your true love and the 20 other random ppl you can choose to save? greater good? or be selfish?

... brings me to the discussion of the definition of love. like a scenario where you can love someone so much that you are willing to forgo your own life for that person and then one sudden day when you realised that you are betrayed by the person and you can refuse to forgive that same person for the rest of your life? same person... different timings and thus fate. does love include forgiving? or simply at the end of the day, everyone still love themselves the most? hmm hmm.

sometimes fate, timing and chance are really really crucial to people-people relationship in general and yup friendship too. you can spend lots and lots of time with someone without understanding him/her. you can also spend very little time and know someone a lot. it all depends on how much and how long it takes for both the person and you yourself to open up i guess? it also depends on a lot on how trusting both sides can be? if both sides are the kinds that will trust only if the other side trust him/her first then it will be a long long wait.

for me, the best way to understand anyone is through asking about the feelings and thoughts on certain things that has happened, is happening or will happen. rather than taking it personal. its a fine thin line and i don't deny that taking some things personal might be a much faster method just that it just doesn't feel right for me to just say things that might cause some bad feelings if the person involved hears about it. somehow talking about experience and events in general seems more ethical? lol. dunno lah.

perhaps i was never too good with words so i like playing games and cracking lame jokes more? as in there is clear winning and losing and no one gets hurt in person in any way and everyone will have fun... so why not? when you play somehow you don't have to guard against anyone psychologically too... so its relaxing in general?

but then again, i realised that a lot of people especially nowadays like to test the amount of trust and closeness of each other through talking about a third person in general. its like if you happen to be able to talk about another person with your friend, it shows that you are somewhat closer to him/her than the person whom the two of you are talking about? it seems quite harmless as long as the person being the topic doesn't hear anything about it... but i just can't put my finger to where it seems wrong to me?? but its really quite tiring to know where to draw the line to give your opinions on anyone in particular. trying hard not to hurt yet maintain a amiable relationship with friends who bring up the topic... not easy... at all.

opening up somehow also depends on which position and place you are to each other... once the position is clear, lotsa stuff are so much easier? i realised most of us are actually really not bad at hiding our silent observations and thoughts about others. that's one thing. a lot of us can really be good silent observers and impress at the right time when the occasion calls for it. that's another. dunno whether that's a good thing or not?

wonder if you ever had friends who like you a lot and can play with and have so much fun with and somehow you like them but you just know deep down you are different? and there's another group where you know that you simply are the same deep down and yet find it so hard to open to each other and get close to? maybe because of some ideologies shared that are simply far too similar. how contradicting? but maybe its just timing and fate. having a common beginning helps much. really.

the road to the journey seems to be never-ending before it even begun. can you see where this leads to? do you even know where will we all go? and where will we end up? but if we don't begin, we'll never know? does this even matter?

the wait seems long though i know some things need some time. i hope i will not be tired of waiting one day. the guesses we make seem tough though i know it may just be me thinking too much. the thoughts running through seems too heavy though i know i can't just stop... even if i wanted to.

maybe we are just afraid of spoiling the present. maybe we are perfectionists after fairytales. maybe we just don't know whether we are right. maybe we are all just waiting for the right time. maybe the time will never come even if we continue to wait. maybe we lacked the courage to take the neccessary ventures. maybe we just don't like to risk to hurt ourselves. maybe its just me. maybe, maybe, there are just too many maybes.

recently a friend told me that a person's heart can be very big. hmmm.... maybe? but i personally don't quite think its possible to love 2 persons at the same time? at least i don't think i can do this? there should only be enough room for one? like if there is someone you already like but then another very nice person like you too what would you do? it probably depends on the whether you are someone who needs to be loved more... an idealist or not.


then i recalled i had quite a long argument with this friend of mine who insisted the duke of mountdeer wei xiao bao loves all his 7 wives and it is possible. but i seriously find he is not loving them... if there's really someone in his heart that is so important how can he love another or like a few more others? dunno leh... feels a bit wierd. haiz. but then again if you think of it as like a person moving on after failed relationships, it seems very possible to in fact love more than one person in your life... is it possible that you really may not be the right one for the one you think is right for you?

but my friend also said that sometimes the person you end up with may not be the one you love the most.... ??? so complicated... like i understand when she said friendship is forever and relationship is not but??? how can you be with the person whom you know that you might not like the most? like not very fair??? dunno. maybe i am too idealistic and not practical le... maybe i haven't met with such a problem yet... but to me for now, my ideal relationship is still one where both sides love each other equally much... hmmm hmmm.

at times seriously feel like i am enjoying my busy life but then its also kind of feel so "living for others" like that leh... dunno why. like as in i am still pretty much being myself around others but i don't have enough time to myself... you know like doing some things e.g. painting or arranging photos or doing handicrafts for my friends myself... like that whole me-time thing is gone... argh. feel so !@#$%^ cos i dunno who to blame. so the feeling is super irritating... argh!!!! i have to resort to writing diary in between hectic schedule which is like....... !@#$ argh again!!!

STARDUST ~ a must watch movie. its the kind of fairytale where i will give up anything for. probably any other person would too... too perfect and idealistically, hopelessly romantic. one which will melt you and sweeps you over and over and over and over literally. slightly depressing thing is there probably won't be a second part or some sort? but yet what can you say about eternal love? robert de neiro rocks mannnn... two thumbs up and i really salute him. michelle pfeiffer... plain beautiful? rocks la. just go watch.