a play of feelings. a play of perspectives.

sometimes, you just need to wait patiently to see the big picture. and then all of a sudden, you understand why.

yet, in life, not all the "why"s are always known, and, not everyone appears to have the patience.

wrong time, wrong factors, wrong frequency. yet they may appear to feel right for one side of some. seems like subjectivity is a play too.

... times where i actually identify with a goldfish,
whose world is just bowl of water.

and yet is just as contented.

times where i feel perfectly wonderful to be by myself.
just by myself.
its the kind of peace that is serene.

amidst the hustle and bustle of friends around me,
it is actually this peace that i seek.

wonder if you had ever mistaken a friend for another friend before? is this a sign of getting old? hahz. or perhaps both of them just didn't leave a deep enough imprint. maybe, i am just forgetful or pre-occupied with some other stuff known as assignments and quizzes recently.

a random fleet of thoughts can sometimes fly past so soon, the next moment you try to trace it, it is long gone. and you'd wished you had captured it a moment earlier...

a castle built in the clouds can either be an empty thought or one in which admission is strictly by invitation.

if,
i ever build one,
i'd
probably be

the only person it ever admits.

times where you feel that THE rubber band can snap anytime yet,
you also know eventually it won't.

pushing the limit too far. before it gets so far you can't pull it back,
stop.

if i only had the capacity to do more.
if i only had the want to do more.

if not,
can i just push everything off and do away with nothing?

wonder who came up with the idea that a star is with 5 points.

maybe knowing someone by chance once is enough,
so the feeling of enchantment will always be there.

maybe. reality should only leave just a leeway for fairytales.
so things wouldn't get too out of control.

wonder why the night skies fascinate me so much. seriously.

once, upon a time,
time would have stood still

if it could.



used to hear things told to me, by others
liked storing only the meaningful ones

sadly, most of the times they are not.

rarely, do i open up my treasure trove to share

perhaps i have high regards for worthiness
perhaps i'm just proud.

Like a shepherd I will feed you; I will gather you with care.
I will lead you and hold you close to my heart.

We will run and not grow weary, for our God will be our strength,
and we will fly like the eagle, we will rise again.

I am strength to the weary; to the weak I am new life.
Though the young may grow weary, I will be their hope.

We will run and not grow weary, for our God will be our strength,
and we will fly like the eagle, we will rise again.

Lift up your eyes, and see who made the stars.
I lead you, and I know you, I call you each by name.

We will run and not grow weary, for our God will be our strength,
and we will fly like the eagle, we will rise again.

Fear not, I am with you; I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; uphold you with my hand.

We will run and not grow weary, for our God will be our strength,
and we will fly like the eagle, we will rise again.

clearly illustrated my current state. (add a "damn stressed-up" to complete the picture pls).

beneath the child lives an adult, within the adult resides that heart of the child.

amidst the calm waters, the water fairy saw a fish who smiled.


finally.

a glimpse of simple happiness...

in trying to become who you want to be, you would have become someone you are not along the way.

gradually, she arises, from her thoughts and takes a step back from the springs. she had already set her mind on continuing the journey, had she not? she began turning away. yet, why does her soul still hesitate?

a fragment of time lingers; suffices eternity, dries a hollow well. she places one foot ahead of the other, deeply aware that just this single step is enough to separate her and this enchanted place. she takes a firm breath and closes her eyes...

right before the final drop of dew from the leaf of eternity trickles down, falling into the springs, a ripple had surfaced admist the calm waters.

the water fairy sat by the side of the springs and stared into the deep, calm waters. all she saw was her own reflection and nothingness. she allowed herself to be immersed in her own world, a world away from others. this quiet moment she needed and this stillness of time where she found herself again. she wondered when will her stealth allow another moment to be stolen from time once more. but that, will be left for tomorrow. right now, this moment, she deserved it. so this moment, will she savour and this, was all that mattered.

with great determination, she shut out the thousand and one things lingering from every possible corners in her tired mind.

she whispered a spell to herself, quietly and slowly. strength was to be drawn. relentless effort had indeed brought her some wonderful and joyous harvests thus far. fruits of such wonder in her heart had long warrant her a great pat on her shoulder, at least from herself. and, she had considered rather seriously to continue pulling the thread tracing to such peak once again. but yet there were other fairies around to look after the fruits to come and she was confident the harvest would be even more aplenty. hence, it is indeed time she leave the place for another, perhaps?
one could never know what is in the hands of dear fate. she thought silently to herself. but in her heart she thought, for a brief fleeting second, that she had heard an answer.

caught a glimpse of what growing old together means recently :)

had always found bliss in old couples holding hands, strolling down streets together.
had always felt some heartstrings being pulled when listening to collin raye's "love me".

had always wonder what would my story be like and if i would have my parents' courage if i were them. it might have been in some gene, but as to its dominance or recessiveness, that's probably another question.

changing the decision that was never made.
forgoing the conclusion that was never born.

more than once, a fish wonders deeply about life and she wants of it.
more than once, more than one answer she heard.

is this part of life then?

some deemed leaving behind the glory days and being remembered by generations to come the sufficing of life? fools, others say. to but never know what is made of them except the possibility of becoming a fragment of another's memory.

some dream big. some live big. then?

the grandest of all palaces shall have a day when it fails to be so. the ravishing beauty of a flower - only a plaything of time. the eternal river of hoping will one day be derided of hopes as of the countless that have come to pass.

as nothing has ever been truly important, so will nothing ever be.

time gave meaning and value to anything and everything; because of a fixed frame of existence, they are treasured. but because of this same frame, they were fleeting.

people create the symbolism they envision and trap themselves. what of this?

a picture speaks a thousand words, yet, at the same time left so many unsaid.

who is to say the "if"s for the past and the future? who is to say anything for the now?

passion is but one's heart's desires expressed outwardly.

creativity amazes... some inspired by the heat of the moment, others wave those just as their hearts render.

legends are but stories infused with extravagance.

some live in the past
some live at the moment
some live for the future

no matter. we all do.

beauty in the eyes of the beholder may not be too wrong afterall. there are beauty in even the simplest things although not all may realise.

a maple leaf
a pine shrub
the sleepiness of a koala
the fighting spirit of a kangeroo
the stars-dazzled skies on the outskirts
the free roaming animals exploring
the mighty cliff rocks along the never-ending waves of the boundless sea
a grain of sand individualistic amongst so many
a rainforest of seamless eucalyptus
the white, cold snow of mount buller
the sun setting against the hustle and bustle of the city streets...

serenity and its own wonder. the first step taken awards the bold with pleasant surprise, and, many of them in fact.

love this book!!! lightly enjoyable and rather my kinda of a great book, weaving in all my likes altogether... fairytales have rules you know? and we are not supposed to ask. we'll see when mine arrives. :)

many times we see why.
but we can't see how.

when we stand facing each other,

we can never see from the other's perspectives.

being able to see how things develop does not guarantee us the power to change anything.

why the like to be in another world if the world is beautiful enough? why the dread of time passing? finite versus infinity. random. like this wise song. somehow.

Through Heaven’s Eyes

a single thread in a tapestry
though its color brightly shines
can never see its purpose
in the pattern of the grand design

and the stone that sits up on the very top
of the mountain's mighty face
does it think that it's more important
than the stones that forms the base

so how can you see what your life is worth
or where your value lies
oh, you can never see through the eyes of man
you must look at your life (look at your life) through heaven's eyes

a lake of gold in the desert sand
is lesser than a cool fresh spring
and to one lost sheep, a shepard boy
is greater than the richest king

if a man lose everything he owns
has he truly lost his worth
or is it the beginning
of a new and brighter birth

so how do you measure the worth of a man
in wealth or strength or size
in how much he gained or how much he gave
the answer will come to him who try
to look at his life through heaven's eyes

lai-la-lai...through heaven's eyes
and that's why we share all we have with you
though there's little to be found
when all you've got is nothing
there's a lot to go around

no life can escape being blown about
by the winds of change and chance
and though you never know all the steps
you must learn to join the dance
you must learn to join the dance

lai-la-lai...through heaven's eyes...

so how do you judge a man is worth
by what he builds or buy

you can never see what you life is worth
till you look through heaven’s eyes

you’ve gotta look through heaven’s eyes.

recently've been stealing moments out of my hetic schedule (while waiting for buses, trains and while sitting on them too!) to catch up on the tremendous amount of reading (i missed out) and that which i so totally missed sooooo much over the school days. reading is truly one of life's most enjoyable pleasures. (at least for mine) hahz! both my dad and mom are nowhere near patronisers of storybooks though. wonder where i get that gene from. i love books that range from inspirational to fictional to fantasy and even to pictorial/creations and really don't mind sitting somewhere alone just pouring them and get lost in their world. must definitely cheong to the library again soon and read as much as i can fill my time before school starts. hahz... credit and tribute to the USSR reading programmes and book reviews i was forced to write in pri and sec schools that start me on a reading spree since then i guess?

couldn't put down a book which i borrowed for light reading. really enjoyed the lightness of tones and perspectives intermingled with the heavy settings and theme. it is definite a good read to keep your mind entertained for the afternoon, predictable yet not bland. excellent for a quick light enjoyable read. love it. revolves around the completion of tasks written on a list and life changing events that arise from small and almost insignificant happenings that we let slip by. :) read it! for fun. lots.

and... the next thing on my list will be... to...
borrow more books to read of course!!!

recently just completed (finally after super super super long), a game my best friend scripted for me on our friendship on my 21st birthday. its simply wonderful and cool. hahz i am the duck and obviously she's the cat. can't believe i finally finally get pass all the levels and cracked her code finally! hehe. really amazed at the game and the effort. love it lots. love my best friend lots too. friends forever and ever... try cracking the code (inscriptions on the wall) i really wonder where she came up with all these mann... beyond words. some stuff.

come to think of it. there's only 1 thing i need and everything else can then solved. time. anyone would like to transfer me some?
if i really have a time bank account, it is probably always zero. if i really have a time-ial adviser i probably should get him/her sacked because i don't see much returns from my time investments at all. and i am really glad i can't get a loan for time because i don't really think i'll be able to pay back at any rate and if there is interests for time, i will probably be bankrupt. okay i really should stop eating into my zzz time. nite!

seeing only what we want to.
existence is but governed by faith and believe.

maintaining new friendships.
not too idealistic.

always believed the strength of friendship does not depend on the number of meet-ups. or outings. or even the amount of chatting. but the quality of time spent. quality of experience. quality of things and feelings shared.


confidence that it will last. trust even if might be betrayed. the willingness to spend time and effort to understand another person. has never been easy

and i am getting complacent.

partly because i am lucky and lazy and in some way, content with my present circle.

though it seems like you can get along with the whole world and people like you from their understanding of you are, you somehow don't think they are knowing the real you and neither are they any interested to know you more than you wish to know them. leave things be then.

thoughts going through my mind are exclusive to whoever i trust them with. i have no intention to find out what you are thinking and so you are not obliged to ask if you are not interested to know mine either.

we are all selective.

used to dislike highly sociable people who are almost able to talk to anyone anytime. somehow never really talked about my true thoughts and feelings with them. brushing off with moderates and sitting-on-the-fence. don't think they are truly interested to find out anyway. they just don't want silence. they just want to try to engage without truly engaging themselves.

what's the point? don't see it. but played along. didn't enjoy this. but don't think they knew. don't think they cared either. well. don't think i cared either.

we are all born with the ability to become beautiful social butterflies.

but i prefer the plain and simple caterpillar. and the leaf i'm on.

perhaps my expectation of friendship is too high
all my old friends' fault.
for setting high targets.

beginning to be... a little numb to people when they said they dislike X or Y or Z or find them totally negative or just plainly can't stand them. purely their problem. bring out your opinion that X or Y or Z seems ok and be sure to have the gap widen. or be labeled acting nice when you simply just feel neutral. so I've learn to laugh it off or just comment "really?", "i didn't realized/know" and etc. keep things simpler by being engaged but not involved. really don't want to be influenced by the unverified viewpoints.

but they probably don't care about my response either. they only want to have their viewpoints aired out period. and hopefully some people think the same way they do so they are not alone. and the discussion can continue.

a subconscious criteria i have for my circle is to not be gossipy. hahz. gotta be just. explains a lot. humble people always catch my attention too... especially those that know so much but are actually the quietest... who does not play only games which they are good in. the point of playing is to have fun and not to win admiration period. and they will win mine unknowingly.

but there's one type of game that i really dislike. those kind that you are supposed to tell who's telling the truth and lies. seriously i plainly don't like the idea of lying with eyes open and yet do it so naturally. perhaps i do have what it takes to lie. but subconsciously i never want to accept the information that this part of me can exist.

we are all born natural masqueraders.

its only whether we choose to accept this ability or not.

so,
if one day,
i can really lie to others

i will probably be wondering if i can trust myself.

so,
i think i will continue to suck at playing these games.

i hope so.

you've seen the real me? or so you think.
perhaps - or so i thought.