sometimes.

sometimes i run,
sometimes i hide,
truth is, i'm not really sure what i want or what suits me.

drama.life.

the current trend in asian drama series, or most drama series for the matter, tend to revolve around a female lead with seemingly mundane and humble background, yet with a certain set of positive and morally righteous qualities, being sought after by a group of ridiculously outstanding male characters who are attractive and appealing (in terms of social status, economic status, looks and moral character).

in recent years, the female leads have also evolved to be more and more self sufficient, and away from the stereotypical damsels in distress, waiting to be rescued altogether. regardless, the male characters will still irrevocably fall in love with them, and (predictably), she will only give her heart to one of them in the end (often the most deserving one), or end up sacrificing herself in some way to make the story more bittersweet and memorable for the audience. often, the market is saturated with drama series carrying modernized Cinderella plot, some of which so predictable that by the second episode, i have already lost interest in it since i knew what the ending would be. 

i have to admit though, series involving clever plots, schemes and pitting of witty characters against each other are quite my kind of thing; granted in reality, possessing a good heart, sound moral and bravery is not going to get you anywhere, not without intelligence and wits. the 'bad' guys are no longer simple fools who get what they deserve at the end of the day, period. life would teach you that much. the 'good' guys who are faced with tough decisions, who had to come up with ways to counter the wicked plots and schemes without compromising on their moral grounds - these are the ones that truly appeal to me - characters with depth, who are able to remain righteous at the end of the day.

my idea of an ideal couple consist of people who love each other deeply, share similar ideals and moral values, who would not hesitate to sacrifice for each other, or for what the other believes in. it however sucks when they also happen to be such awesome people who would place the greater good over their own interests. this makes them all the more noble, but at the same time, fills you with a tinge of melancholy, since deep down you are also aware that there would undeniably come a point where they would choose to give up their own happy ending for the bigger picture, a greater good. 

an example of the kind of character that appeals to me in a recent drama series - taltal from empress ki. not romantically-linked to the female lead, but he's definitely one who has proven his strength of character and intelligence. he had every right to be arrogant, but remains humble and saves the day quietly each time.

time and tide.

built the wall, closed the door, hid the key. 

an invisible wall, a concealed door, a missing key.

living in a seemingly free dome.

what goes on in your silent mind?

wit. strength. character.

tal tal . wang yoo . seung nyang

what goes up must fall down

sometimes i feel like i can't run, i can't crawl
and sometimes i feel like i ain't nothing at all
life is a journey where you stumble and fall
but i'm okay

outlook.

when tomorrow comes
i'll be on my own
feeling frightened of
the things that I don't know

inside out.
core memories.
islands. 
the forgotten valley.

can't lose what you never had.

can't lose.
game of life.

can't win.

thoughts decompartmentalisation

wanting the best of both worlds... would that be greed or is one just pushing for excellence?

just as how a coin cannot simply possess a single side, one has to embrace the good, and at the same time be prepared to accept the bad attached with each choice we make.

compartmentalizing life brings about organisation and segregation, but the living gets torn.
departmentalization of the aspects of life on the other hand, breeds chaos, yet perhaps unites.

what do you want?

'twas

the looming clouds,
the stars,
the bright apparition,
'twas when i lost you.

the now,
filled with darkness and silence,
'twas when i lost myself.

blinded

stochastic variable.
johari's window.
depths, capacity, fear.

if you can read minds, plant thoughts and manipulate emotions, you can make anyone do anything.

there lies a certain degree of danger, a sense of power, a total possibility of you losing yourself in it all.

sow. reap.

"you either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain."

time is finite though it may seem like infinity.

from the moment you sow a seed to the moment you reap its fruits,
the time in between is spent on building patience and perseverance.

in the process of it all, you build your own character.

scarecrow

bleeding. out.

when the day has come
but i've lost my way around

and the seasons stop, and hide beneath the ground
when the sky turns gray and everything is screaming

i will reach inside
just to find my heart is bleeding

when the hour is night
and hopelessness is sinking in

and the wolves all cry
to fill the night with hollering

when your eyes are red
and emptiness is all you know

with the darkness fed
i will be your scarecrow

oh you tell me to hold on
oh you tell me to hold on
but innocence is gone
and what was right is wrong

cos i'm bleeding out
said if the last thing that i do
is to bring you down
i'll bleed it out for you

for you.

 

orchestra.

symphony,
harmony,
deep resonance.

those notes, they float!
there was nothing,
save a series of coordinated, intentional vibrations.

they lure you into the invisible world,
left you marvelling at the composer's brilliance,
makes you wonder aloud -
the universality of music.

it could have,
it may not,
it happened?

what's left after the ensemble of musicians,
what's the state after the delirious performance?

silence, contemplative silence.
all these, a figment?

for no pictures could convey,
no recordings could conjure,
the lingering atmosphere, and memories were all there were -
fragments of resounding waves.

all there were...

now.

come, follow me into the abyss.

no, i don't know its depth.

once the sea swallows the sun and dusk settles,

the wonders come alive.

 

let's share a dance in the waters,

for we don't know what tomorrow holds,

no... won't promise.

but come,

swim with me.

for all you know, i am a siren.

the daughters of the sea,

they're calling me.

you only have now.

ender's game.

brilliant minds,
one against another.
wished not, did not.
ability, intentions, means, end.

ender.
game.

pretend.

let us play, a game of pretence!
it's fun!
there - i've just done it.
your turn.
just remember to like us after that game ends.
sure!
there - i think i've done it again!

pursuit

drops of golden ichor,
tears of wisp.
i float,
i spirited.
fumes, vapors.
dust, ashes.
immortality.
witnessing heartaches and losses,
the accursed statue stood,
robed in melancholy and regalia,
for eternity.
watching mortals in their blind pursue;
"if only they knew."

wisp

swift winds; they rise and fall.
changing tides, seasons - the insignificance of man.

ever so patiently, fate lies in wait for the planned chance-meeting with time;
for, with time on his side, decision had just won the wager with wisdom.

life, welding definitions, margins and contradictions all into one,
is both long-spent and short-lived.

in the municipal array of it all, the soul of the philosopher just got older.
she sighs.

penrose stairs.

you seek not to impress, so you would not disappoint.
you seek not to give false hope, so you can minimise casualty.

you run,
afraid of the illusion and audacity of your own dreams.

you hide,
longing to be found only by the right one.

you are,
but a flight of penrose stairs.

one that can't co-exist with reality,
yet whose concept exists for eternity.

seek.

i trudged through the thick snow,
i turned,
snowflakes began filling the hollow footprints.
where... are you?

"remember the good, and never the bad."

"but what if there's nothing good that's left to remember?"

"forget. forget everything."

well-concealed behind the thorn bush, she listened. no one had the slightest idea she was there. despite the fine gashes on both her arms and the multiple slash wounds on her thigh and lower right calf, she made no whimper. streaks of blood dyed her pants red as she barely managed to suppress a smirk; a rush of euphoria and ache swelled within her.

"this is it."

"this is it."

row.

in a humble boat sat she.
gently, she rowed.

she loved the boundless sea, the unparalleled sunrise and sunset, the dazzling night sky.
at the edge of the forest, the cicada calls, the scent of pine lingers, the morning dew renews.
each day, she thought she could be here forever.

yet forever is a long time.

for like calypso, she was cursed.
the very moment she fell in love with where she was,
she will be thrown into the freezing waters and made to swim back to her little boat.

countless times she swam,
with every gulp of air; she struggled to remember all the beauty around her.

countless times she fell,
with every prickle on her skin; she struggled to hold onto all the memories, and what's left in her.

gradually, her perseverance ebbed away.
time, after all, is indeed a scary thing.

as her little boat came into view, 
her hands tightened around its rim. 

yet her worn-out soul is already beginning to lose its shimmer.
her tired mind whispers...
"how many more times? how much longer?"

lost in tears mingled with nostalgia and exhaustion, she slowly loosens her grip...