on this very last night of the year, little water faerie walked by the same path where she first met him. she had truly wished that they'd meet again tonight, somewhat by chance. she had thought silently to herself that if they did, fate perhaps would have something more in stored for them, and she could have at least wished him a happy new year. yet fate was something neither to be grasped nor taunted. weighed down by her little thought bubbles dangled on a few strands of disappointment (at her own juvenility as well as the foreboding outcome of her silly wager), little water faerie strolled out of the mystical woods into the warm, dark night. it was one of those nights where she truly wished they had met.

the mindless waves hit,

and the fish went mad.

pause! ~

too much bubbling and hustling is ne'er good.

halt!

swim back, against the currents!

blindly follow no further.

the trench is deep and dark,

and you'll be drowned by muck.

stop stop stop STOP!

rationality is important.

if there is a plan for me, what would it be, my lord?
you created me to feel, to desire, yet to fear.
you created me to dream, to wish, yet to witness the pain of others.
you gave me a promise, a hope, which holds true only after life on this earth has passed.

my name was carved in your palm before i came into existence,
you held me as a child, you'd never let me go.
as i walk through life's journey, i see you and thank you in each and every happy and moving moment,
yet when the cross i carry keeps getting heavier, what should i do?

without you, my life would perhaps be a lot easier, unrestrained.
yet though my choice to believe in you made it a great deal harder, and more confusing,
my life did find its meaning and purpose.
still, your will for me remains a mystery.

you opened my eyes to the different sides of life,
am i supposed to see pass them or through them?
are you preparing me for them, or are you calling me to rise above these passing moments in life -
like you did on this very day two thousand years ago?

how do i see through your eyes if your ways are always so high above mine?
how do i look into my soul if half of it possesses longings, while the other half sees it?

life would have been so much simpler and more carefree if only she could stay a child forever.
she would not be wondering about love, possess that yearning to taste it, or battle the uncertainties and fears that came along with it.
she could have continued to be that free-spirited and unyielding little girl riding against the winds, self-sufficient and strong.
but she would probably know nothing about courage, fear or the depth of life.

these she realised the first time she lost the rein to her heart.
and now, she stares history in the eyes, all over again.

she met him late one night.
he was mysteriously irresistable, so different from the rest.
drawn to him by his quiet demeanor and charm, she felt she could actually fall for him as a person, and not for another person with his set of character, and she cringed at this thought of hers.

what are the chances of him not already belonging to someone else? (or perhaps to the higher powers from above?)
when others spoke about him, it would always be something nice, and she was always silently and secretly attentive.
yet the part as to whether he belonged to another, never came up.

and then he appeared, stealthily in her thoughts, without her even noticing or realising how he got in there.
the first time they met was in the day.
they met again weeks later, unarranged and impromptu, on their way home.
their random meeting then led to a trip to the library, a shared dinner and looking for a pair of shoes for him.

she was surprised that time actually passed so fast when she was with him.
and it shook her a bit when a passerby approached them to ask if they were a couple interested in going overseas together.
she was shocked not by the passerby, but rather, by the fact that she actually did not mind being teased with him.

she felt like she could be herself when she was with him, and she truly enjoyed the conversations they shared.
he knew about her fettish for astronomy, and so that night when he stayed behind to wait for her, when they somehow paused to look at the moon together in the middle of the road, she thought seriously about him for the very first time.
but how can she feel this way for him as well, when she should only have the heart for one?

this twisted irony within her - the crave for the freedom to let her imagination roam, that unknowing uncertainty which cradled her idealism, and the need for her to find out if reality and idealism can indeed share the same horizon plane in the same time frame - can they truly reconcile?
she just wasn't brave enough, both of them were simply too close, and a little too dangerous.
and her surreal glass globe of irrational hopes and dreams was simply too fragile.

yet deep down, she knew things would change with time, she would look back and have a good laugh about these incoherent thoughts of hers.
she surely will, but when?

"this's the rose from beauty and the beast? but why is it in a jar?" he asked.
"but it had always been in a jar..." she smiled.

strangely heartwarming for someone to actually know where this rose (which she held so dearly) came from... her momentarily glow ~ was this attributed to the discovery of shared knowledge, or something that had been special simply because it was this particularly someone who noticed, knew and asked?

yet the vividness and realness of what she felt in the dream the night before kept her questioning... what a torn piscean.

a thousand years (by christina perri)

heart beats fast
colors and promises
how to be brave
how can i love when I'm afraid to fall
watching you stand alone
all of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
one step closer

i have died everyday waiting for you
darling don't be afraid I have loved you
for a thousand years
i'll love you for a thousand more

time stands still
beauty in all she is
i will be brave
i will not let anything take away
what's standing in front of me
every breath
every hour has come to this
one step closer

and all along I believed I would find you
time has brought your heart to me
i have loved you for a thousand years
i'll love you for a thousand more
one step closer
one step closer

someone
sometimes
somehow
some wants
nothing.

somewhere in the middle (casting crowns)

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

waiting for life's sunset with a tear in the eye and a smile in the heart.

yet there is just something mysterious and romantic about a lonely signpost, with its promise of strangeness round the corner.

lost my way through the story,
can't find my place in the tale.
in some corners of my mind,
the scenes played.

i've watched this countless times,
endings replayed, lines memorised.
its a happy tragedy, i know.
i laughed so hard, till there were tears.

see, it hasn't left my eyes.
stuck, it hasn't moved my heart.
its a lullaby i heard?
that sealed thy soul for centuries?
or a prose by hand, long gone?

i came to meet you.
where?

you just want it all.
you run, afraid of looking back.
you don't want any regrets in your reflection,
yet you feel sad thinking about an empty memory lane.

does the guilt of hurting others frighten you?
or you're just protecting yourself a little too hard?
those "might-have-beens" replaced by the "wish-it-was"s.
let's all fly to the future and skip the "now".

if things were meant to happen, they would.
but what if this's just an excuse you overuse?
the only person who could save you is yourself,
or so you believed.

perhaps you've lived in your secluded world a little too long.
just a little too long.
but i know,
you'll still be in there for quite some time.

you've been feeling perfectly fine, for quite a while.
you see nothing wrong, and you might just wonder,
if you ever will.

mad man in the city,
he whispers to the wind.
the wind carries his words softly away,
he follows.

his mind is so far away,
he can't hear you, when you call his name.
his heart is so trapped,
its lost its way, shrouded by thickets of thistles.

he can tell you how he feels,
but he can't show you where he is.
his suffocating spirit, the dimming light in his eyes.

you pause for that moment,
you feel sorry.
these mad men in the city,
do they meet somewhere?

"amidst a pile of contradictions, what do you mean to me?
after all i've been, what should i say?
life building on decay,
decaying decadence of your love."

far far away from the human world,
little fish took a little peek from her little corner.

those vows she saw, pretty like flowers,
their petals they fade fast away.

ridding oneself of the melancholy in ones's somber, and, sobering up,
floaters undefined, floating without an anchor,
or any preferrences for directions for that matter.

余温闲暇片刻的感动，那心悸冰冷的泪。
双手抓住了的紫色碎片，幸福，却不一定握得紧。

yet, the single most fearful thing,
lies in the losing of the rein on one's heart.

for the it is easily blinded, made bold, then flies far and loses its way.

and memories then,
can be hauntingly bittersweet.

let go, said she.
she did not budge.
come, said she.
she did not want to leave.
"say something" she nudged.
but she really did not know what to say!
"don't look back, don't even look anywhere at all", she whispered.
she disappeared right beneath the water ripples.
there, she's done saying her piece.
she heard.
but she just would not let herself get too close to the river.
its easy, she thought you'd say.
but, it was just never you.
so, it was just no point at all.

the little rock on the moon, it bounced.
once, twice, thrice.
back down it fell, motionless.

silence it was in the universe,
as it had always been.

the echo, you heard?
you must have been dreaming.

or i must be the one.

太多我该做的事，太多我该关心的人，

几时才能让我有一个肩膀来依靠？

但我不要依靠我心爱的他，我不想看见他承担我的泪。

没有办法承诺把所有的时间给他，

是否就此失去了爱的资格？

或许我怕了，他人的故事总是重复着悲伤的结局。

或许我怕了，不想尝试那虚幻的甜和那真实的痛。

我不要那颗美丽的水晶，我 不舍得看它破碎。

我不要那朵白色的玫瑰，因为它必然会凋谢。

我更不要他出现，因为我会心碎。

让人别当完美主义者的自己原来，

早就放弃了童话故事里的王子。

选择了平静的自己，是否其实不够勇敢？

欣然地一人走着的我，是否豁达过了头？

ride me away, or swing me on a wave.
bring me far, want to run from it all.
 
in my mind is my heart, and in my nothing is my all.
your word i hold, its you i know.

see the seeds of the wheat, how in the wind they sway!
and the weeds of the field, how careless they grow?

our tomorrow had always been a dream,
the mirage of us on that horse, will always stay a dream.

the look in your eyes is beginning to fade,
and the world is quietly becoming silent once again.

its all been done before,
who... are... you?

fish often wonder if its truly possible to live life without questioning one's sense of purpose, meaning and one's ultimate creator. because to fish, these questions come so naturally and her need to find the answers just kept her seeking.

functionalistic theories of the good, bad and the in-betweens

on the very day human beings were bestowed with the gift of free will, the fundamental equality and order became a lost cause. inherent survival need - governing the interests of self above all others - was simply too convenient and tempting an excuse to be used to extract oneself from his or her guilt consciously or subconsciously.

there is no doubt in little fish's mind that nice people exist. but she also believes that more baddies walk on this earth than the goody people. nonetheless, earth to her is still predominated by the in-betweens. stuck in this sense of in-betweeness, many tried to pledge their allegiance to one side, only to find that the single constancy in life is but a struggle maintaining that idealistic allegiance in their minds. some took on this struggle consciously, some attempted to evade it. and others petended they didn't exist.

Indescribable (Chris Tomlin)

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to it's light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

wake up.
lie no further.

the day is here where you realises
that life itself is the pilgrimage that leads us to our creator.

the day where meanings unfurl,
and the beauty of nature unravels itself,
is the very day where you finally open your eyes to see what He is showing you.

He, the one who had loved us before the very beginning of the world,
and,
before the very beginning of time.

He,
is my Lord.