lost my way through the story,
can't find my place in the tale.
in some corners of my mind,
the scenes played.

i've watched this countless times,
endings replayed, lines memorised.
its a happy tragedy, i know.
i laughed so hard, till there were tears.

see, it hasn't left my eyes.
stuck, it hasn't moved my heart.
its a lullaby i heard?
that sealed thy soul for centuries?
or a prose by hand, long gone?

i came to meet you.
where?

you just want it all.
you run, afraid of looking back.
you don't want any regrets in your reflection,
yet you feel sad thinking about an empty memory lane.

does the guilt of hurting others frighten you?
or you're just protecting yourself a little too hard?
those "might-have-beens" replaced by the "wish-it-was"s.
let's all fly to the future and skip the "now".

if things were meant to happen, they would.
but what if this's just an excuse you overuse?
the only person who could save you is yourself,
or so you believed.

perhaps you've lived in your secluded world a little too long.
just a little too long.
but i know,
you'll still be in there for quite some time.

you've been feeling perfectly fine, for quite a while.
you see nothing wrong, and you might just wonder,
if you ever will.

mad man in the city,
he whispers to the wind.
the wind carries his words softly away,
he follows.

his mind is so far away,
he can't hear you, when you call his name.
his heart is so trapped,
its lost its way, shrouded by thickets of thistles.

he can tell you how he feels,
but he can't show you where he is.
his suffocating spirit, the dimming light in his eyes.

you pause for that moment,
you feel sorry.
these mad men in the city,
do they meet somewhere?

"amidst a pile of contradictions, what do you mean to me?
after all i've been, what should i say?
life building on decay,
decaying decadence of your love."

far far away from the human world,
little fish took a little peek from her little corner.

those vows she saw, pretty like flowers,
their petals they fade fast away.

ridding oneself of the melancholy in ones's somber, and, sobering up,
floaters undefined, floating without an anchor,
or any preferrences for directions for that matter.

余温闲暇片刻的感动，那心悸冰冷的泪。
双手抓住了的紫色碎片，幸福，却不一定握得紧。

yet, the single most fearful thing,
lies in the losing of the rein on one's heart.

for the it is easily blinded, made bold, then flies far and loses its way.

and memories then,
can be hauntingly bittersweet.

let go, said she.
she did not budge.
come, said she.
she did not want to leave.
"say something" she nudged.
but she really did not know what to say!
"don't look back, don't even look anywhere at all", she whispered.
she disappeared right beneath the water ripples.
there, she's done saying her piece.
she heard.
but she just would not let herself get too close to the river.
its easy, she thought you'd say.
but, it was just never you.
so, it was just no point at all.

the little rock on the moon, it bounced.
once, twice, thrice.
back down it fell, motionless.

silence it was in the universe,
as it had always been.

the echo, you heard?
you must have been dreaming.

or i must be the one.

太多我该做的事，太多我该关心的人，

几时才能让我有一个肩膀来依靠？

但我不要依靠我心爱的他，我不想看见他承担我的泪。

没有办法承诺把所有的时间给他，

是否就此失去了爱的资格？

或许我怕了，他人的故事总是重复着悲伤的结局。

或许我怕了，不想尝试那虚幻的甜和那真实的痛。

我不要那颗美丽的水晶，我 不舍得看它破碎。

我不要那朵白色的玫瑰，因为它必然会凋谢。

我更不要他出现，因为我会心碎。

让人别当完美主义者的自己原来，

早就放弃了童话故事里的王子。

选择了平静的自己，是否其实不够勇敢？

欣然地一人走着的我，是否豁达过了头？

ride me away, or swing me on a wave.
bring me far, want to run from it all.
 
in my mind is my heart, and in my nothing is my all.
your word i hold, its you i know.

see the seeds of the wheat, how in the wind they sway!
and the weeds of the field, how careless they grow?

our tomorrow had always been a dream,
the mirage of us on that horse, will always stay a dream.

the look in your eyes is beginning to fade,
and the world is quietly becoming silent once again.

its all been done before,
who... are... you?

fish often wonder if its truly possible to live life without questioning one's sense of purpose, meaning and one's ultimate creator. because to fish, these questions come so naturally and her need to find the answers just kept her seeking.

functionalistic theories of the good, bad and the in-betweens

on the very day human beings were bestowed with the gift of free will, the fundamental equality and order became a lost cause. inherent survival need - governing the interests of self above all others - was simply too convenient and tempting an excuse to be used to extract oneself from his or her guilt consciously or subconsciously.

there is no doubt in little fish's mind that nice people exist. but she also believes that more baddies walk on this earth than the goody people. nonetheless, earth to her is still predominated by the in-betweens. stuck in this sense of in-betweeness, many tried to pledge their allegiance to one side, only to find that the single constancy in life is but a struggle maintaining that idealistic allegiance in their minds. some took on this struggle consciously, some attempted to evade it. and others petended they didn't exist.

Indescribable (Chris Tomlin)

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to it's light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

wake up.
lie no further.

the day is here where you realises
that life itself is the pilgrimage that leads us to our creator.

the day where meanings unfurl,
and the beauty of nature unravels itself,
is the very day where you finally open your eyes to see what He is showing you.

He, the one who had loved us before the very beginning of the world,
and,
before the very beginning of time.

He,
is my Lord.

what awaits an existentialist at the end of her journey?
what makes of those legacies she fought so hard to leave behind?
what happens when the big picture never gets any clearer even though she tried so hard to see it?
what happens if she found the answers she was always looking for but gets lost thereafter not knowing what to seek next?
because no matter what she seeks, both the wait and the getting of an answer wears her down?

the wide ocean she once belonged,
she longs for it because its deep like there's no end to it.
she longs for it because she can hide.
perhaps at the end of the day,
she only longs for it so that she may keep on lying to herself.
where is she?
will she only ever be found when she stops looking?

where is she?
she's lost me.
and i, her.

Family Tree by Matthew West

You didn't ask for this
Nobody ever would
Caught in the middle of this dysfunction
It's your sad reality
It's your messed up family tree
And all your left with all these questions

Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was?
Do you have to carry what they've handed down?

No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

I have a dream for you
It's better than where you've been
It's bigger than your imagination
You're gonna find real love
And you're gonna hold your kids
You'll change the course of generations

No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

Cause you're my child
You're my chosen
You are loved
You are loved

And I will restore
All that was broken
You are loved
You are loved

And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're brining new life to your family tree now
Yes you are
You are

No, this will be your legacy
This will be your destiny
Yesterday did not define you
No, this will be your legacy
This will be your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're brining new life to your family tree now

stranger-than-random rumblings-in-a-bubble entry

if only all watches stay un-waterproof, then fish would never be bothered by the notion of time her little ocean. yet one day some genius just had to invent waterproof watches. and so now her world is no longer timeless. the want for par excellence is simply weighing fish down. down. down. she can't breathe. she feels her lungs filling up with water, and she is sinking deeper and deeper into the ocean - she can't see! yet strangely, that gave her a little tiny sense of relief. for she is afterall, a fish. and fish breathe with their gills, not lungs.

looking through the lancet arch, what might one wish to see? for life is afterall not meant to be understood, its meant to be lived. hmmm... be lived.

into the deep waters fish swims so deep, she wonders if any fish will ever know how to reach her? ... are you my conscience? iridescence.

on mind reading. fish thinks that her mind says....

"you still don't understand, olivia, we're not supposed to know what other people think." hmmm....

see, you're not supposed to know what other people think in their minds that they don't wish for you to know, yet there also exists a dozen unspoken thoughts in their very same minds which they'd be happy if you knew. hasn't this always been part of the defining criteria for a soulmate anyway? rather contradictory creatures, fish would say. essentially, to be understood encompasses both the aspects of being empathised with as well as being mindfully-read by another, no?

one may feel distanced from the entire world when no thoughts of his or hers could be read by another unless explicitly stated. yet, some laments the fact that others could read them like a book. so, tell me again funny humans, how would you like yours to be read? from the left, right or the centre?

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

recently, some gentle currents of troubled waters prompted fish to do some reflection on faith, hope and love.

love put into action is but trying to see through the eyes of those who love us and through the eyes of those whom we love. to experience love is more than feeling the emotions that stir one's heart. because true love endures, it encompasses self-sacrifice, both ideally and practically.

to learn to love someone who loves us, we have to first begin to genuinely love ourselves, and to love ourselves means so much more than indulging ourselves, it sometimes involve us saying 'no' to ourselves. as contradicting as it may seem, at times somehow, the depth of our love is actually proportional to the intensity of consciousness and painfulness in each and every decision-making step we take in our lives.

to find the light at the end of the tunnel, we need hope to take our first step, faith to keep us going when we lose sight of the light and eventually each struggle we make along the way will then testify to our love.

the journey of life was never about the beginning and the end - it has always been about the 'getting there'. life's meaning and purpose was never meant to be figured out - one needs to seek it.

at times when i run out of words, i like to paint a picture.
in this picture, i see a sea.
in the sea, lies a bottle, and in the bottle lies a little note.

"start somewhere, anywhere, then learn, to move on. at the sea, we feel lost when we lose our anchor. some spend a lifetime wishing they'd find back that exact spot where they lost their anchors and realise that they never really will. some find it hard to swim against the currents and lose their strength. and some learn to find the faith and the hope to believe in the sea, that its currents will bring them ashore one day, so that they may start life anew, somewhere. the sea of time heals, only if you allow it to. its alright to not swim against it, but stay afloat, no matter how hard it gets, and believe that you will find the shore you truly belong to one day, someday."

for what is hope, but something free, yet something that brings strength to those who refuse to let it go? and what is faith but not seeing, yet believe?

caching of the witty vibrassie,
heads notched on a starboard.
the witty vibrasse swayed,
back down, a trickling sensation entailed curtailment,
as the mob of the hollow tribe embarked on the quest for the crystal of nothingness,
so did missings of the endearing misgivings ensued.