slips away, slipped away, the pages she had meant to write.
into the depths of her mind, the ink resides.
she's forgotten when and she's forgotten where,
the drawer where her book and pen lie.

countless the times she tried to write.
to look through the glass window to find her soul.
she cannot remember though she tries, at least not all, she guesses.
what's gone is gone, those fleeting thoughts!
that irritatingly slippery concepts which refused another moment.

time is a scary thief, for what it steals you can never retrieve.
one can cheat death, tempt fate, or climb a tower
but one can't go on, move back or replay hours

and hence human learnt what sadness is
what one can't control and yet one can lose
the tears of human, a drop or two?
shed for all times and for old.

sheds but till one's heart is dead.
cold and alive, yet still and dead.

cold and alive, yet still and dead.

and so one fine day, while little fish was gliding through some coral reefs, she heard some strange waves of sound... strange, yet interesting, little fish can't help but smile as she listens.

A: so, do you really believe in true love, dreamer? are you really trying to find that special someone? do you think that that someone truly exists?

B: hmm... would this be an afterthought to watching 'everything you want'? abby and seale? hahz, perhaps you're not that different yourself afterall you know, apart from seale appearing more visually real than that someone you're dreaming into life.

A: you seem to be avoiding my question. do you not have an answer?

B: do you, then? what then about quinn? and if seale really happen to exist? and if he and abby happen to meet one day? just a side point, so does quinn or seale appeal to you more?

A: don't you think that its somewhat interesting how people often say reality hurts and so do dreams and yet can't help but still have them, and then go out of their way to make them into reality?

B: you know, you still have not answered any of my questions?

A: neither have you. :)

the tears, the tear duct, and the tear glands.

 

recently, our little water faerie found a rather fascinating thing that belongs to human beings. their tears. she realised that at certain times, certain people tear beautifully, but at other times, some of the cries are just awful. tears are almost as contagious as laughter, but have more chances of being starred in an appearance. 'laughter of pain' is definitely less heard of as 'tears of joy', for one.


a mixture of sad emotions welling up, with an overwhelming need of expressing them brings one the tears that needed to be shed. there are some tears which looks extremely beautiful - strings of liquid crystals which reflect a tinge of light in the darkness of one's life. those were the tears that were not shed for selfish wants, or personal gain. those were the tears which were shed due to genuine emotions, those shed in truth, those shed for others. if a crocodile had shed such tears, they would have looked beautiful too.

she also realised that there are some who prefer to tear in their heart, while there are those who allow their tears to flow through their eyes. some people are born with a larger tear ducts or over-active tear glands. she likes to think that for one who can hold more tears, he or she sheds them for those who can't, whether they were born with defective tear ducts, tear glands or those whose hearts were overly-hardened by life. he or she also tears for those whose pains and sadness are too heavy for one to bear.

it was said that we tear so as to wash away our excessive stress hormones in our body system. but she likes to think that we tear so as to embrace life more fully.

changing within change, yet retaining the unchanged.

life. happiness. and some thoughts on them.

had just wondered... which might be worse, the feeling of emptiness or the feeling of hollowness? similar yet different? hollowness implies one 'has a surface' to begin with, while emptiness implies one was 'contained' in the first place.

was just drinking from a glass containing 7 ice cubes. all 7 of them had varying volumes... but hadn't these ice cubes been taken from the same fridge and made with water from the same source? then why are they so different? a while later however, when i re-looked, I only found 5 cubes remaining. and the third time, 2 were left. had their melting rate differed because their volumes were already significantly different to begin with, without me realising, or had the lapse of that few seconds in between their addition made all the difference?

see that life is not stationary and all shall come to pass. see that one will not know the meaning of meaning if one does not start seeking it in the first place. and know that one will not appreciate the meaning of meaning unless one found it but lose it. but before one's final moments, will one ever know life?

if happiness cannot really be sought by one, but it might not seek one either, how then is it ever found?
if happiness is based upon emotions, wouldn't life be summed up in a few cycles of losing it and finding it?

which is closer to your soul, your mind or your heart? yet neither can exist without either. but if an integration of all 3 results in complications and separation results in confusion, then what, should one try to do?

if one can't hold on to something which one can't let go, should one continuing to hold on or let go? yet, if one allows one's tears to roll in one's eyes a while longer, they will eventually dry... won't they?

sometimes weariness can wear one's spirits down so very subtly one could barely notice till one is completely drained. if life is a game where there are no prizes to be won, for everyone dies empty handed, then why should winning and losing matter at all during the course of one's lifetime?

so many things make sense, but all are not easily understood.

because reality is a matter of perception and when you look in the middle you find no one there except yourself. because in a game of squash, there are no losers... yet neither are there any winners.
you are simply playing against yourself, along with everyone else.
because when you look too deep and think too much, it makes it hard for others to follow.
because there is only one us in the world, so we'll always be alone.

because fish is in an autistic mode.
because fish needs and wants space to herself.

where can she go to have the whole seaside, sky and stars to herself just for that little moment? just for that little while? where?

inmacor's photos on flicker never fail to bring this fish into a realm poised between dream and reality.

sieving out that single leeway her only fairytale left her, she fumbled for the dream slit in the midst of her most mundane hours...

   

 风中的她与海平线上的永恒, 有些累了的她依然在风中... ...

 

the sole reason for her existence, the eternity beyond the horizon.

 gong xin ji.... fish simply cannot find a reason to not fall for the emperor lee yi (portrayed by chen hao). he is far too nice a character le lah. ahhh... so nice until fish is slightly angry at the scriptwriter for giving her such a nice big bubble, only to be poked when she finished the show. argh. why on earth did they include the gao xian yang character? see lah, now liu san hao cannot be with the emperor lee yi. argh! how very irritating *angry. fine, but its just a show and such a nice and wonderful person does not exist on earth. ok, so tvb-addict fish should wake up. wake up! nonetheless, chen hao still rocks!!! wahaha.
 

side point, but realised this weird fish here appears to have a soft spot for most of the actors who are not that young, (oppz!) but who are all very charismatic, and at the same time manage to give a her feeling of 'depth'. in addition, she also cannot help but fall for those characters who really loved another character so much more than they love themselves, to the point that unrequitted love does not matter as long as the other party found his/her happiness. perhaps this scene is far too unrealistic in real life, so a piscean has to feed on this realm in shows. haix... hopelessly idealistic tvb-addict fish...

in fact, a review of her three favourite actors... the first two actors had attracted her by the characters they portrayed... both of whom were really really really very nice people in the show. there's gallen loh from tian di hao qing and chuang shi ji, and also lin feng from zai sheng yuan. and finally, her most favourite actor at the moment ~ chen hao!!! ... this one was somewhat most special to her because she had first liked him for his role in luo shen, as a really really nasty character. though his role as jingkeng in feng wu xiang luo simply swept this tvb-addict fish away, his role in gong xin ji simply made fish want to marry this suave emperor lee yi... as in the character in the show. chen hao's eyes are simply mesmerising in gong xin ji plus he really exudes the air of kingship... most importantly, the way he loved liu san hao is simply.... haix! speechless.

those scriptwriters, really enjoy taking things to the max. the evil ones are so evil (and smart) you have no choice but to applaud their schemes while the nice people are simply nice until its beyond your comprehension, such that i, the audience feels a bit extreme-fied by gong xin ji. but i was really really sad at the end of the show leh, (even though it seems like at least liu san hao and gao xian yang can be together, and its good)... but lee yi is the only nice person who did not find his happiness eh! ...all those whom he loved or love him either died or left him. while he stood by the walls of the palace watching san hao leave, i was hoping all the time for her to turn back and return to his side lah! all the way until she found someone who resembled xian yang in her hometown, my heart simply went out to emperor lee yi... despite being such a nice emperor, why is he still alone and by himself at the end of the day? when all he ever did was simply for the common good of his people, where is the happiness that he deserved? *argh.. irritating scriptwriters... why so unfair to him. haix. i like him eh. not fair. :(

oh, forgot to mention about my favourite actresses in tvb... i think there's only 2 so far whom i like... the first one was kenix kwok ke ying from chuang shi ji.... i guess i liked her mainly for her character, while the second one whom i really really liked was yeung yi!!! (tavia yeung). i remembered noticing her as a second degree actress in her earlier shows, but had liked her since then.... she's someone whom i thought really has the potential for both evil and nice roles. now that she's become a first degree actress, i am so happy for her!!! hehe. :D

intrinsic and extrinsic.

half the time extrinsic people do a whole range of different things to make themselves feel good. and the other half of the time, they spent it on telling themselves they are not affected by others, when actually they do. to have any expression of anger, hatred, the like for darkness and firmly believing in self interest is in itself a form of expression of disappointment in the world. to not care means to feel nothing, inclusive of the want of self-parody. not changing oneself in accordance with others' oppinions or wishes does not mean that one is not affected by them.

to fish, there is really nothing cool about being in the 'dark' side because that route is so straightforward that everyone can take. self-centeredness is inborn, there is no need for any extra work, no struggle within yourself. in fact, one simply has to try to ignore everyone and everything else around him or her, and that's about it, for the dark side cares solely and only for oneself; one own's feelings, one own's thoughts, one own's perception and one own's interest period. anything else is irrelevant. this is not difficult at all, and therefore, what's so cool about that? fish doesn't get it.

and therefore she has never really been able to identify or relate to anyone or anything associated with goth culture or any popular culture or any branded fashion for any matter. in her eyes and heart, in terms of 'coolness' a gothic or branded outfit is nowhere near that of mother teresa's, one which was adorned with love and one that represented the triumph over selfishness. the former two represented nothing, nothing except the momentarily feeling of pride from the praise of the general public. one only need to pay for it with cash. after some time the same outfit or accessories can simply be chucked aside to make way for newer and prettier looking fashionable outfits.

materialism consumes a person from the outside, while the want for others' recognition eats one from the inside. happiness is a choice, so is sparing a thought for others. only you can make a choice to be who you want to be and decide for yourself if the kind of happiness you seek is one that is meaningful or one that is of emptiness. this choice may affect others because of certain things you choose to do, but at the end of the day, you are the one who's most affected by your own decisions. a lecturer once quoted that an adult is the corpse of a dead child. fish would rather swim against the currents than to be swept off by them; she will keep trying, no matter how hard it takes to retain that child in her, she will fight to keep what is intrinsically priceless. may she stand the test of time.


when one chooses to give one's life for the love of others, that spirit is what endures the test of time. when our lord gave his life for the world 2000 years ago, his name was never forgotten till this very day. it would have been easy for him to come down from the cross when he was crucified and so much harder for him to remain there.

this day a little blue fish swam in the slightly blue waters.
yet neither the fish nor the waters knew why they were both blue.
little blue fish swam for a long while till she came across a purple package.
for that brief moment, she was seen to give a slight, warm, yellowish glow,
one which she had forgotten how long ago was her last's.

be reasonable. because this is not an excuse.

recently fish is simply tired of trying to discuss things peacefully and amiably, tired of her constantly listening attitude and never-being-heard moments. she is tired of people's rude and disrespecting attitudes and detests getting into "self-assumed conversations" with those who only wanted themselves to be heard. she even lost track of the number of times when she felt like ending such "conversations" there and then, the countless times where she just wanted to tell these people: hey, you might as well just go talk to a mirror or a wall, since they would be ever patiently listening, and never give their opinions in exchange at all, and guess what? you simply don't have to talk to me you know? what we are having here is a one-sided conversation, so why not let's simply end it earlier.

people like to use 'excuses' to convince others, and 'reasons' to convince oneself.
yet essentially, excuses and reasons are all but subjective, defined differently by different people.

nonetheless, at the end of the day, all of us just want to be in a good light, appear responsible, that "we had no other choice" and blameless. fish personally feels however, that this should be left for others to decide for themselves, and not using one's utmost efforts to carefully select certain information to portray oneself in a nice light. for if these people are reasonable, they would neither judge nor be easily taken over by one's incessant insistence. they would be objective in their observations and not see through clouded spectacles. and if they are unreasonable, then to fish, their opinion simply does not matter one bit, period.

"i had no choice since everyone else is doing that." personally, fish firmly and strongly believes and classifies this as an excuse. if you truly detest what others are doing, and allow your very self to do the very same thing unto others, then stop trying so hard to give an excuse so as to see yourself in the light you want. you are but one of them, period.

here's something fish can never stand. overly self-absorbed in "being right" attitude and refusal to hear what others have to say before one gives his or her own judgement. if one firmly believes one is right, then shouldn't he or she have even more patience, composure and grace to hear what the other party has to say first, before incessantly insisting that one's argument is faultless? wouldn't it be easier to convince the others if you first understand the thinking trend they got themselves into and then steer them thereafter?

IT IS OUTRIGHT IRRITATING when fish waits for the person to finish saying what he or she is trying to say and then tries to tell him or her what she thinks and then the person just cuts in before fish finishes, or worse, doesn't even try feebly to let her begin her points. for even the most aggressive debating competitions allow both parties the right to speak, hence to fish, this is outright inconsiderate, rude and uncivilised. and she automatically places that person under her category of "people whom she'll never strike a sincere conversation with or talk to, on her own accord if she has a choice".

to fish, the logic, value and purpose of a conversation is this: she enjoys knowing your opinions, trend of thoughts and feelings on certain matter, and she is hoping to open herself to more views and perspectives which might never have occurred to her before, but at the same time as she is learning all these, if you don't even try feebly to listen, then it is to be considered that a fair exchange of ideas has never taken place, for it is simply a presentation by a presenter, but never a conversation. the soul and heart of a conversation lies in its engagement of the minds, thoughts and ideas of BOTH parties, as it is the case for hands to clap.

upon the shattered mirror her long intent stare.
her depth of soul, the abyss!
darkness creeps.

wants and desires, devoid of taste!

how long her gaze, in or out?
sad was her gaze, in and out.

her wait, her aches, her confusion.
her weary, cheerful looks.
she tiptoed on her shining silver dancing shoes.
watch her silent dance on edges of the green grass patch,
from faraway, somewhere faraway...


she will be alright,
she will be alright.

tell her you weren't seeing,
tell her you know not.
she is too tired for thy worried looks and the weathered grounds.

free her, let her go.
thy hand must not hold back what thy can never grasp.
to nowhere, she belongs,
to nowhere she must go.


she will be alright,
she will be alright.

according to wikipedia, friendship is defined as the cooperative and supportive relationship between people. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves MUTUAL knowledge, self-esteem, affection and respect, along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behaviour, such as the exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviours. Yet for some, the practical execution of friendship is little more than the trust that someone will not harm them.

fish wonders... can two people with different ideals of friendship truly be friends? if one's expectation for a friend is to only understand what he or she feels but not interested to listen or even try to understand that friend of his or hers, can this essentially be termed friendship to begin with? if one defines friendship as you share my joy but i am not interested to share yours, wouldn't that someone be better off with a diary or journal book? when one does not even try to make an equal effort on his or her side, is this a balanced friendship?

everyone needs friend, but how much is one willing to give of thyself to whom you call a friend at the end of the day? fish has high expectations for that aspect. selfish fish in a way perhaps, but idealistic. if at the end of the day, fish does not enjoy being around selfish and self-centered people the tiniest bit, does this make fish one of them too? yet all fish looks for, is the willingness to try, on both sides. that's what she calls friendship.

a truly idealistic love story is one that should never happen in real life.

then there's an aspect which i begun to think about... that when one loves another, one is essentially only loving that person in his/her mind. the projection which one has made of the other person based on their past memories shared or, the imagined possibilites to be shared with that person. i.e. no one actually love another person for who that person really is - one only love that person for who one thinks he/she is... when the image fits in with one's hidden or sub-conscious idealism, voila! love sparks fly. this itself is explained in the theory that without love, there will be no disappointment.

see, disappointment only arises if one has expectations of another in the first place. if you truly love another person no matter who he or she is, then why would one have any expectations of him/her in the first place? it is because one is in love with one's imagination of that person, that's why disappointment occurs. one is disappointed at the fact that love, however idealistic one wishes it to be, is still grounded in reality.

the only mysterious component in love is the ability to feel deeper and more intense the emotions of that someone. without this empathising ability in one, there would hardly be any love to speak of. perhaps, we love so as to minimise the other negative emotions that arise if we did not love. so essentially we love others because we love ourselves, no? we make choices that might hurt us so people we love might be happy, and we call this sacrifice. but could it also be that if we did not make these choices, we are still hurt by the fact that people whom we truly love will not be happy? thus, "irrational" decisions we make can also be logical in this way.

complications in love only come in when we happen to love more than one person, presenting us with some conflicting choices to make. complications also arise when infinite future possibilities are projected differently between different people, of different people. see why loving a person who is unformed, like a child is so much easier as compared to loving someone who is fixed and formed and vastly different from what we hope he/she would have been like.

as long as one feels the depth of another's joy and pain beyond his/her comprehension, one is already in love.

cruel temptation

 

watched till the last episode. love it. nice soap opera. like the story. like the different characters and the way each of them go about making their choices... those seemingly straightforward/right ones, or those which one can't really tell till the very last moment. honestly surprised at the ending. felt a little ??! + cheated. nonetheless, still like the way each character metamorphosised.

 salute the lady scriptwriter. despite her slight dragginess at certain instances, and some far-fetched coincidences and timings, the whole production remains a fairly decent one. like the way she weaves the whole story, linking up signicficant places and her final knit-up of the complicated relations among the three families in a reasonably neat way. kudos to kim suh hyung, for an outstanding shin-ae-ri portrayed and jang seo hee, for all the tears she shed in all of the whole 129 episodes.

thought about the show a bit after finishing it... if the theory in this show is that love is something which one can neither make it happen nor work hard for it, yet one also can't ignore it, then what exactly is one supposed to do about it? isn't it somewhat irritating to find that its essentially something which one can do nothing to it or about it, and yet at the same time one also can't pretend it did not happen?

it appears that no matter whether one holds onto love tightly, or try to let it go, both seemed equally painful. so then what should one do in the end? then there is also the issue of looking at the big picture... if love is about two persons and the two persons only, then why should others be in the picture of consideration too? another confusing aspect of love. random, but i guess Jung Soo Bin would still be the character i like most - clear-headed and in control.

if love taken to both extremes meant unhappiness, one who is wise should perhaps then take it to nowhere.

her teary eyes that eternity dried,
lady in the painting, now none know.
broken, shattered and lifeless.
shaken echoes from beneath the ground.
weeping chain and a sorrow-filled lock,

all was lost behind that single lifeless door.

where the broken chains resided,
invisible shackles now lie.
marks of trappings,
bound by freedom.

faith is the gift i want most.

da la da la da... la da la da dup.

off through the fluffy clouds on this queer little day,
floated our little water faerie, to somewhere faraway...

da la da la da... la da la da dup.

she had landed on this bandwagon;

she was thrusted into a folklore!

da la da la da... la da la da dup.

some humming she did, of a rather distant tune,
to the cheery sweet bird's gay little song.

  "da la da la da... la da la da dup!"

... bring her a harp and a lyre, with some cymbals and a clap!

let her swirl round the merry fire, aflame with life.

let her whistle a tune to the beautiful fireflies,
and then hold your breath, and watch how they dance!

da la da la da... la da la da dup.

on the tallest tree's thinest branch, went three cheeky squirrels

scurriedly flashing their secretive smiles
despite their ticking pocket watches.

da la da la da... la da la da dup.

da la da la da... la da la da dup.

take a stroll down the moonlit path,

scented with moments of faint lingering nostalgia.

da la da la da... la da la da dup.

look, into the endless darkness,

to find hope humbly and dazzlingly sprinkled,

across the long lost universe.

da la da la da... la da la da dup!

just as dawn and dust must break once more,
into the abyss of sweet dreams, one by one falls.

da... la... di... ... la... ... dup.

a lot and nothing.
alot and nothing.
hollowed emptiness.

can you hear the water dripping?

one, two, three and four.

silence.
darkness.
breathe.

no air.

one, two, three and four.
one, two, three and four.

one, two, three and four.

one.
the one i missed.
and now there's nothing left to say.
right.

you can't hear me.
you never will.

what defines the boundary where the little stream reaches the sea? and when the sea reaches the oceans?

why do some explanations appear to explain, yet they fail to provide you with comprehensible answers?
why can't people stop asking themselves questions to which they find no answers to?
why can't human minds be quietened with answers that cannot be further derived?
because natural selection worked against it?

why do logics contradict? is this even logical?

the line. that most do not see.
human choices are the variables.
the path untaken... the other reality, will things truly be better?
constancy. what's your constancy in this dimension? what's mine?

a seemingly simple hypothesis for a complex situation - which gets nowhere, apparently.
but only the ocean flows to the sea, and the sea the streams.

fish needs a rest.

"you really don't understand, do you?"

 

"i don't want whatever i want. nobody does. not really. what kind of fun would it be if i just got everything i ever wanted? just like that, and it didn't mean anything. what then?"

coraline coraline.

fish is currently permanent-ly immersing herself in the songs by this David Cook guy... the time of her life. she does not lie,  and her declaration - she did it for you.

Come back to me when you've had enough of  life on the moon.