you closed your hand,
you waited.
you counted to 10.
and then you opened it.

all to realise its no longer there.

flown far away, i guess?
quietly, so gently.
elves, faeries and magic spells -
castles in the air!
you see that?

that, is a thing of the past.
sweetly bitter and bitterly sweet were never quite the same.

dance, on a hilltop filled with chamomile flowers.
hear the bluebells ring.
see the swallows weave through the clouds.

then lie down on the pasture once more,
and slowly drift away,
to that faraway castle in the air.

time and season for everything.
meaning and reason for everything.

see.
wait and see.
learn to wait and see.
learn to wait.
learn.

learn to see.

just as things would never stay clear always,
so will they not remain forever shrouded.

explain, if you wish to be explained to.
save the explanation, if things can't be changed.

some people get it, some just don't.
some don't cos they can't.
some can but they never really want to.

some people wait for someone to understand them.
some people didn't even realise they were waiting for this while they waited.

some people are just content with finding one person who gets them.
this one person can be someone in mind.
this one person may be more than one person.
this one person can be someone they don't know too.

fish know this one.
what a contented little fish :)

let's see for a moment how inspiring the recent spate of events are :)
promising. quite.

there had always been some who want to tell the whole world about a particular something. some of these people eventually did, some didn't.

among these are some who initially want to tell the whole world something, but by the time they reach for their phones, they felt that telling half the world would be enough. and by the time they finish their first calls, they decided they were pretty much done.

there were some who go all the way, nonetheless... good stamina.

fish belongs to the last category, where telling the whole world rarely cross her mind. for any matter, its either important enough to share with just that few particular fishes, write it down in one of her journals (using her fins) or to simply continue thinking about it for a while more then forget about it altogether.

what a self-acknowledged lazy fish.

fish had never really enjoyed listening to some other fishes. but she definitely prefers that to babbling about her own stuff to other fishes who either lack the patience or are of a different wavelength altogether. for she was rather certain that would be quite a waste of time. and, she doesn't really want to subject the other fishes to what she's going through cos she really doesn't enjoy that.

it has always been easier to look as if one's engaged than to try and engage another, particularly if one feels like being neither, no? fish would also ask lots of questions too, just so she need not answer any.

she once tried to really follow her heart and be by herself, but every now and then some other kind and nice fishes (who doesn't know fish well enough) would swim to her and try to talk to her.

therefore one day, just like how social caterpillars start flapping their wings. fish concluded that in order to not let some other fishes worry about her too much, she should still blow some bubbles however much she doesn't feel like making them.

and only when she's surrounded once again by fishes who truly know her well, can she finally be the fish she is. see why fish feels proud to acknowledge the autism in her. and see why deep down, fish still never like new circles, particularly big circles, the smallest bit.

some mingle, some stay at a corner.
some wait patiently just to be understood.
some don't really want to be understood,
some don't really need to be understood.
some decided the fence is indeed quite a nice place to sit on.
some look forward to others filling up their space for them.

and some continue to enjoy swimming in peaceful waters.

each time when small fish meets some other fishes, there's always the distance issue... how close should they position themselves in relatve to each other?

too far away and the fishes can't seem to see or hear each other too clearly. yet being too close, when there's nothing much to be said and done, things get awkward.

therefore it has always been more energy- and time- friendly for small fish to be just by herself, away from the fishes whom small fish is not too familiar with, or whose frequencies varies from that of small fish's, such that no need for spending extra effort to make sure things appear less awkward.

fishes are pretty much fine being just by themselves, aren't they? or perhaps this fish is just in her autistic mode.

today small fish experienced some stuff that made her think more on some other stuffs and then she also begin to wonder if thinking more will ever make a difference, cos if it doesn't, then what's the point of thinking so much? then again, she realised there's no point in not thinking so much either, cos that being part of her nature usually doesn't happen.

so this fish continues to think and wonder for a while and pens down her thoughts, which may matter, and which may not matter.

there are some people who do things just for the sake of doing them while others try too hard to find the meaning and reason behind certain things, that they miss the point in the end. in which for both cases, fish don't really see any point.

then there are some who tried to find stability, but who never realise that stability itself is a form of relativism. then there's this group of people who realises this, but still couldn't find the stability they were looking for.

there are some who should have devoted more of their energy to try and make things happen. yet there are some who tried too hard and so hard that they didn't even realised that they are human beings too and have the right to feel tired.

some people believe they can do it so they did it. but if some people believe that certain things are not there, then they are not there, then why the need for believing in things not being there in the first place?

sometimes, because importance is found behind a series of unimportant things, people begin to wonder if unimportant really is unimportant and who ultimately determines the importance of things eventually.

sometimes because people don't know some things, life is always simple. but what if the person knows there's more but does not push? can life then still be truly simple? or will it be a life that only appears to be simple? and yet, both the person who does not push and the person who does not tell can never know if life on the other side is truly simpler.

some people are busy. some people try to be busy. some people have to be busy.

some people need the experience. some people just need to observe and reflect. but yet it is also possible for both types of people to never truly learn the same real thing at the end of the day.

people tried to see the world through a pin hole. some thought they saw the whole of the world and some thought they only saw parts of it. some rushed inside, some chose to turn away. some opened the door but hesitated about stepping in. some leaned on the wall and wondered. some get their answers eventually, some just doesn't. and all these while, the door of life remain standing quietly.

how does one ever find the right pace in this race of life?
maybe a more appropriate question should be if our small fish can ever find that right pace in the currents which she swims in? i wonder.

in the world which small fish swims, there exists a lot of other worlds. some of these worlds, she likes entering them from time to time, and some of these worlds she doesn't fancy being in there for long... dimension where worlds intertwine is a no-no, for she can never feel the right balance to swim stably.

sometimes small fish wished she was the only fish in the whole ocean so she can minimise lots of complications. she wished life in the ocean could be simpler, too. nevertheless, lucky for small fish, the ocean is still large enough for her to get lost in and hide from other fishes. lucky for small fish, tears are not exactly distinguishable from the waters of the ocean. lucky for small fish, some other fishes don't see too clearly.

why should small fish swim into the part of the ocean she once fought so hard to stay clear of? maybe essentially the problem lies with small fish, she and her specie-ation problem. maybe small fish should just learn to change herself and meet new fishes, but if she can't see the point of doing it, why should she? she is just small fish, and not any other fish, so she shall stay her way, she will, anyway.

things are always simpler when there is only one fish, or with just a few fishes whom small fish really likes to be with. she is just small fish, and not any other fish, so she shall stay her way. she will.

this day, it occurred to fish that her world may really be so very very small indeed. and that because its colours are too defined, she couldn't find any grey areas in it, and yet, the colours blend. there are some who cradle the world in their palms, some who hold the world in their hearts, some who dream about the world in their minds and some who lost their world to the wind. she almost caught a shooting star today, almost. and she almost faded, too. what a big ocean, what a small ocean!

just how far to go before you know you have crossed the invisible line that another has drawn?
just how far to go before you know you should stop?
perhaps really am taking far too much liking and used to being just by myself, now that its simple and problem-free.
double-edge sword?
sped up mellowing of life?


cheers! anyone?

efil.life

you will only know because you don't feel yourself. yet you are looking for the feeling that you can be yourself. what if you never want to feel this conlfict once again and all you want is to omit both feelings and stay yourself? outright conflicting. nah, not really. what you simply seek is either to continue rowing your boat across the peaceful and calm waters or strength enough to sail through storms to come. peaceful and calm waters suits me real fine.

maybe in trying not to lead in the wrongway, you have already decided its best to be alone on the quest. the view just keeps getting wider as you begin comprehending more... and then you realised the only way to simplicity lies in being alone and minimising unpredictability. indeed, everyone has his or her prized moment of enlightenment and clarity.

a butterfly whose wings will never come close to brushing against any flowers or shrubs, for it neither wants to sadden the flower it rested on with its departure nor stay on it, and yet thinks about the white rose somewhere faraway, which no one has heard of. the butterfly simply seeks to complete its quest on its own.

timing has always been crucial, yet its never meant to be planned or manipulated by man. and its only truly right when you feel so, with no planning elements involved. there are some who lost due to hesitation, some due to miscalculation. perhaps what they have lost, they were meant to lose. some gained unexpectedly because the timing was right. yet, perhaps what they have gained were meant to be theirs since the start.

there are some things that you know for sure the timing will be right one day.
there are some things that you know there'll never come a time which is right.

turn around and walk away
til time truly washes all away
and when you're feeling all's afresh
there you begin once again

life.efil

原来因宿命而开始的爱情往往都显得特别浪漫。

原来 人 真的不难被感动。

原来电视连续剧包含了许多人生的哲学和道理，期望和梦想，看了真能体会不少。

原来只要每个人把自己人生所有精彩的部分都剪辑拼凑，都会窜成一部部故事情节高潮迭起的电视剧，扣人心弦。

原来爱的方式有很多种，但大部分都含有不符合逻辑和失去自我的特征。

原来女人在感情里的武器就是情感，男人的则是逻辑和计谋。

原本就不会有人知道下辈子，下一世，生生世世和永远的承诺是否会被遵守，但人们总是听不腻，只要当时说出来时是真心的，都会被感动而相信。

原来两人抓得再紧的手也会有松开的一天。

原来两人再辛苦撑下去的感情也不一定会有完美的据点，但放弃了双方也不一定会幸福。

原来越辛苦走来的爱情越会让人珍惜，越多阻碍的爱情越令人感动。

原来分开并不是很难，只要别有爱和回忆的成分在里头， 因为回忆可以很甜，也可以很可怕。

原来放不下爱情和对爱情执着，只有在双方都彼此相爱的情况下才会幸福，若是一方抓紧，另一方拼命逃，两方都不会快乐。

原来电视剧的故事会让人落泪是因为情结，主角的勇敢和伤痛都唤起了点点滴滴的回忆。

原来松开了的手也能再握紧，只要彼此还爱对方。

原来《豪杰春香》我还真挺喜欢！

no matter how small the distance is, why does it always sound so far away?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

can you tell a sunset apart from a sunrise if you did not see it yourself?
would love to try seeing sunset and sunrise within the same hour one day, by air.

would a day then, have passed me by? have i lost one, or gained one?
if one keeps following the trail of the sun, would that person then freeze time?

what if near is far and far was actually near?
what if the sun was called the moon and the moon, the sun?

what's in a name?
nothing about my everything.

what's in a name? alost?

don't know why you had to come away with me to shoot the moon, find the lonestar, till the long day is over and the nightingale sang, and we waited for the sunrise... and i still don't know why.

don't know why... norah jones

I waited 'til I saw the sun
I don't know why I didn't come
I left you by the house of fun
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand

My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever
Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road along

My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever
Something has to make you run
I don't know why I didn't come
I feel as empty as a drum
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

somehow greensleeve started playing,
and autumn-feel sets in, leaves begin falling and... all these came to my mind.

a small town in distant autumn

slit a thin line across the horizon, and slide through
all you need to do first is to shut both fine slits

let your mind take you where you can't go
let your heart tell you where you want to go

for once, see not what your eyes want you to see
and hear solely the music your heart longed so long for

you may wish you could stay like this forever
but remember your way home

sometime,
along the way.

a small town in distant autumn
where you were drinking coffee and i was sipping tea

sometime,
along the way.

a small town in distant autumn
where i met you and you found me

how to draw a line again?
where to find the line?
what to see in the line?
that thin fine line.

Love Story... Taylor Swift

We were both young when I first saw you.
I close my eyes and the flashback starts:
I'm standing there on a balcony in summer air.

See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns.
See you make your way through the crowd
and say hello;

Little did I know
That you were Romeo; you were throwing pebbles,
And my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet."
And I was crying on the staircase,
begging you, 'Please, don't go.'"

And I said,
"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run.
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'"

So I sneak out to the garden to see you.
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew.
So close your eyes; escape this town for a little while.
'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter,
And my daddy said "Stay away from Juliet,"
But you were everything to me; I was begging you, 'Please, don't go,'"

And I said,
"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run.
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'

Romeo save me - they're tryin' to tell me how to feel;
This love is difficult, but it's real.
Don't be afraid; we'll make it out of this mess.
It's a love story - baby just say "Yes.'"

Oh.

I got tired of waiting,
Wondering if you were ever comin' around.
My faith in you was fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town,

And I said,
"Romeo save me - I've been feeling so alone.
I keep waiting for you but you never come.
Is this in thy head? I don't know what to think-"

He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said,
"Marry me, Juliet - you'll never have to be alone.
I love you and that's all I really know.
I talked to your dad - go pick out a white dress;
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'"

Oh, oh.

We were both young when I first saw you...

pebble picking

water fairy saw a plain pebble one day and picked it up. how interesting she thought. there could be no meaning to the pebble, though it might have a purpose.

there might have been an intention when it was picked up yet its sole meaning depends on both the one who found it and the one whom it ends up with. it can mean something, everything or simply nothing.

times when you wonder what is the point of passing pebbles around when if you can't see the meaning attached to them. times when you pass some pebbles around simply because you had been given some pebbles yourself.

when you know that a pebble is truly different from all other pebbles, that's when you not only see the meaning, but you feel the depth of the intention of the pebble picker.

if you pick a pebble just because its a pebble, then perhaps it might be better to put it back where it belongs.

water fairy thought, if a grain of sand was picked with much thought and effort, then she will treasure it more than a hundred pebbles picked altogether without them.

she gently places the pebble back onto the sand, watch the waves wash over it and walked on.

if a pebble was picked just because its a pebble, then perhaps it might be better to leave it where it belongs. for with or without the pebble, things are pretty much the same.

what a weird water fairy! thought the little pebble silently, as it sits quietly by the sea, enjoying the gently hitting waves.
what a weird water fairy! thought the little grains of sand too.

but that's just our water fairy for you.

will i ever find the balance
that i am never prepared for?

how do we stop to smell the roses
if time keeps walking so fast?

when was it when i started wishing
for non-chalance again?

will there be a day where you give up and start changing,
because you wished too hard for things to stop changing and they never did?

will there be a day where you stop changing,
because you got tired of changing?

if a flower ever weeps
would its petals be its tears?

if a flower ever waited,
what would it have waited for?

if i ever see a shooting star here,
would you see the same one with me over there?

should i wish for time to slow its pace or walk faster?
wish i knew.

story of the three droplets

within the little pandora box of our little water faerie, lay a droplet of pure gold and a droplet of pure silver.

the cross path between the very first shooting star that landed on our earth and the dew drop of the very first morning gave rise to the essence of this silver droplet, henceforth its shine emanated was one of brilliant brightness, white in its purest form and a healing aura the depth of the deepest oceans.

the golden droplet was from the very first ray of the rising sun of the very first morning and found under the most melodic moonlight; for the moon of the past sang such hopeful hymns once upon a time. for this, the golden drop brought forth the most fragrant fragrance and the sweetness of the sweetest honey.

these two droplets tug gently at her heartstrings to lift them up whenever she feels down and soothes her slightest heartaches, if any. they were so precious to her, she held them so close to her heart and treasured them deeply.

the stars told her that there would be a third droplet of liquid crystal, essence drawn form the very first snowflake that fell on the earth and one that would take an eternity to form, under the most delusive lake at the ends of the earth.

there would be swan waiting patiently on thin ice above the lake, the single swan who would know where in the lake rests that liquid crystal, the most beautifully dimensioned and perfectly formed crystal, overflowing with warmness.

the swan awaits the single lady to find it and set it free
an eternity it has waited, an eternity it will continue to wait.

water faerie suddenly opened her eyes and lay down beside the spring.
she gently rests her fingers on the surface on the waters and felt puzzled when she did not see the ripples she expects to.

she leaned forward to take a closer look and to her amazement, she saw the most magnificent swan looking down at her from the reflection. she trace out the form of the swan and paused, when she saw the tear in the eyes of the swan. when the drop of tear finally fell, ripples appeared on the surface of the spring, and the swan was replaced by her own reflection in the waters.

water faerie felt her heart ached tremendously at that very moment, for no logical reason and she missed that swan terribly.

if only those who keep giving will never grow tired of giving.
if only those who receives, will appreciate and be thankful.

too many take for granted
too many ask for justice
too many hold overly high pride
too many mind too much
too many place themselves too central

too many lost that happiness within their reach

happy are those who give but do not realised they are giving.
for once you start realising, its seems to be near impossible:
to not mind at all
to not measure a bit
to not judge
to be true
and to give unconitionally

if love is all that important, why at the heat of the moment will anger overpower love?

yet unless you are certain that you can live a life totally void of love, otherwise giving up trying to love when you are created to love will not bring happiness. just because you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, doesn't mean you have to turn and head back to the other extreme end of this tunnel.

the world is only as bad a place as you made it to be.
the world can also be as nice a place as you wish it to be.

between the line of self-delusion and bitterness, i choose hope.
though there exists the difference between happiness being guaranteed,
and happiness being found in 'hoping' itself.

how would you ever know the beauty of sunrise, if your aim was solely for morning to come faster?
how would you ever know the beauty of sunset, if all you dread was the falling of night and the passing of a day?

time can be a frightening concept.
see how it brings out both the beauty and ugly side of a person within that split second in which human nature was put to the test.
see how it both tears people apart and build the bridge for one to reach the other.
see how you surprise yourself.

the hems of her skirt brushed along,
countless rows of bushes of thorns.
a rose among the thorns, the maiden saw, and pause.

knees on petals of the now ailing rose,
struggling and fighting, to stay.
in the final moments, the maiden uttered a short prayer.
her wings she flapped.

she looked back and, shed a tear.
but who was to know,
how much she had hoped this rose would have seen,
beauty of the world around,
and not the lone world of the thorns surround.

a strong gale, a mighty gust and,
some dancing petals.
the butterfly smiled.