you'll know when you know. sometimes some things we really can't help it and we can't stop it either. is it really true that finding someone who loves you more than you love him/her is happier than finding someone who loves you less than you loving him/her? is it possible to find someone who loves you equally much as you love him/her and for who you are and not who they want you to become?

some people like to quantise love. others try to rationalise and logicalise it. i am part of those who idealise it. i always hope to find it naturally and let it grow under the most ordinary circumstance. i wish it will be strong, pure and eternal - who doesn't? serendipity - how often? some look for it while others await it patiently. some wants it but doesn't believe in its existence. you? i believe and i hope i will continue to believe in it.

its just the question of meeting the right one? are you the right one for the one you feel is right for you?

can the hassle and bustle of mundane life really tone dull true love? if intensity of feelings can really be maintained, why do we keep hearing so often that things before and after marriage are totally different; attitudes change and flavours become blender? the reason you like someone so much is because you haven't been able to find any possible replacement yet? or simply, eventually everyone still love themselves the most?

whats your take on love? may have found the right person? may have thought so cos haven't found another more suitable one? are you the right one? serendipity? seeking or waiting?

will memories be as sweet if you get to relieve them over and over again?
will things stay the same or very much change?

does our mind rules our heart or our feelings rule our thoughts?
thinking too much?
can these be controlled? by anything?
will this be transient?


human heart is a simple structure that's difficult to understand

prone to invisible breakage and injury,
may heal and mend itself in time or may not?
may skip a beat or two or beat non-stop,

it knows what the mind does not and things are worse when the mind thinks too much. where's my terabithia?

lots of happenings and thoughts throughout these weeks. at times feel like writing them here but just can't seem to find the time to :( its a bliss to be busy and fill your life with stuff to the neck... but it is really tiring at time... its only when you walked to the end of your life and then look back that you probably will be glad to have something to look back to, to remember and to think about... i guess?

how do one age gracefully? how does one know if he or she has enough memories to keep them company when they are old? can one live on memories alone? ever watched a show where a man met with an accident that damaged his brain and he was only able to retain his memory for a day i.e. he will forget whatever that has happened the day before when he wakes up each morning... so he managed to do a lot of bad things because he can "remind" or fake memories basically lie to himself and forget that fact.

then in 50 first dates, where the same situation happened to the girl but at least hers was a happy ending. though if this was really the case, does anything matter? as in everything won't be important if we will forget it eventually... what if i forget the people whom i don't want to forget? what if i forget every beautiful, the happy memories in my whole life one day all of a sudden? what will happen when i am old?


its sad to realise a change in attitude and and sadder when you know there's nothing you can do to make lives for your loved ones better. helpless but true.... i wish...

maybe letting go is a release when all the memories left behind are still beautiful - but how can one ever bear to?

its interesting how people see the same thing. there are 2 types of observant people according to my friend; one that simply observe and then do something while another just simply observe and wait for things to come to him/her... "leng3 yan3 pang2 guan1". (u see we both know a friend of the latter.)
but in my opinion there are actually 3 types of people:

- one that genuinely loves playing games (i mean any sorts but not the mean kind if you understand)- one that only like playing at what he/she is good at or with another person who is better than he/she so that they can learn new strategies and tatics from (kaoz. so scary lah!!! i simply thought playing is supposed to be for fun "seriously"!)

- and finally one that doesn't really like certain games but will still play along (my friend says this is called gentleman-ness but i mean its no doubt nice of the person to play along, but i still find it'll be nicer if they like and truly enjoy the games they are playing and not simply play just to pei4 he4)

things seem so much easier for people to work together when there's a common goal or belief in general... something that we all share or even do. it also help to have a group of enthusiasts to liven up the surrounding spirits :)

people can take very different views too... i just realise not everyone sees "communication" the way i do. i always thought it meant talking whatever things that you feel like talking about? as in like heartfelt rather than formulated speech?! but i was amazed when my friend managed to give me a lesson (practically) on the art of communication as in she even gave me scenarios-based questions so i can practice on how to start topics related to it? dunno to laugh or applaud her. but i gotta say she's generally real chatt-able person.

somehow still find it easier to talk in general to girls than guys for me.... i guess probably guys brains simply work very different from mine? or i think maybe cos i dun have any older brothers to talk to since young? like you just dunno what topics to talk about?! catch no waves lah.... and girls' signals are so much easier to catch since i send them myself? haha. oh well. maybe just haven't talked enough to guys to feel comfortable with chatting with them yet? my friend kept saying just treat them as girls when you are talking to them... so i am going to try it next time. hee.

wanted to prove that certain things can be maintained but... well. i guess just gotta agree that it seems like nowadays friendships that are able to last truly needs to be forged based on lots of common experiences and formed over long periods of time and communicating. oh well. now i know better. :) its tiring for one side to keep taking the initiative... i really admire long distance relationships that are able to last, really. :)

oh well. seems like i just can't start or fit into certain conversations... particularly those that most girls like to talk about. frequency just seem different. but never seem to have the problem with my close friends though... maybe that's why we are close.

feels that true equality treatment is really really rare and people are always judging by appearances. know that it is inevitable but just dun like that gan3 jue2. dun supposed i will have any friends who are err. too gentle. haha. i am probably the kind who dares to play all the way and err even if it means getting soaked in mud... wonders if my character is really suitable for a girl sometimes. lol. my grandma used to tell me that my character is so much more like a boy... prob because i am more "outdoor and sporty and fun loving" as compared to my other female cousins... who prefers shopping in air-con places in which err i dun really fancy really.

used to think that as long as there is a common enemy or a gossip topic, it will be easier for certain girls or maybe most girls to "bond" and i supposed that is rather true but not this way for me. i seriously dun like this idea at all. if you dun like that person then just keep it to urself and dun affect others' opinions of him/her lah. like i mean all of us are not perfect anyways.

i also find that it is not difficult for me to fit into different or new groups but just that i am only truly comfortable with around people who thinks more of the common positive topics and criticise/zhen1 dui4 others less. like... ask me how i feel about so-and-so whom i really dun like and i will prob just say we are of different frequency.

i very much prefer groups that are based on maybe the common goal of winning, playing games with our very best all the way and then is able to chat with everyone and anyone and not just stick to their own groups in camps esp... can't you just mix around and know each other better?! thank goodness i already have a bunch of such friends around me. cos i really dun like to be judged, judge or see others being judged when whatever we know is only so little and not the full story.

live by the moment or let days pass us by? have the feeling that once we start working, we will lose most of our fun and relaxing time. so... for now, must try to gather as much as we can the playful and fun memories while we are still in school. afterall everyone keeps saying most mistakes are being forgiven when we are "young"... and being not-so-grown-up, we have the special right to do certain silly and lame things... (but of course not terribly evil kinds)... maybe a couple that are a little cheeky ones?... those kind where when you are older and then one fine day decides to look back, then can't believe you did such a thing - and - laugh.

felt like i can go on being this childish for the next few years, and i think i'll eventually be. :P a part of me wish to start school soon. a part of me hesitates. there are some memories that are especially worth reminiscing. two people might have gone through that same memory together but the value and importance of the memory might afterall be rather different.

how far should you go to create your own opportunities if you are someone who believes in serendipity? *winks.

... suddenly feel like feelings are so fleeting and transient. you are thinking of someone for a very long while and all of a sudden some events just happen and then you suddenly realize you don't miss that person as much or think about him/her as often anymore. is our feelings really trust-able? interesting. wonder if whatever i am feeling now is fleeting too?!

i guess now i know better, though the heart still hopes. standing at the cross roads is not the best feeling on earth. perhaps it was only me from the start till now who was all along thinking in the wrong direction. maybe its time to really let the feelings subside. maybe they were not there in the first place. mind - what a beautiful thing. beautiful but hard to fathom. heart - wondrous yet fragile.

dun like playing guessing game. dun like thinking too much. dun like feeling for something i am not even sure about myself. dun like the feeling of missing someone when i dun even know if that person is missing me as much. dun like to be kept in suspense. dun like to feel uncertain. argh - dun like you :(

like to play like a kid at the playground. like to dance as if no one is watching. like to be among friends who are as childish as i am. like to be me and not pretending to be someone i am not ready to be. like the spinning skies. like the "shooting" stars. like to be with my 2 bestest friends! :D like tonight.

天为何总要黑 爱为何变忌讳
我想要的并不是并不是这安慰
当眼泪跌碎 一切怎挽回

心为何想诉罪 痛为何还不退
说无所谓启不是启不是 太虚伪太可悲

想爱的机会 到底是谁在支配
给我最后温柔 抱在胸口
假装不必放手 还有以后
让多年后我回头
相信你的爱没尽头

给你最后温柔 你的自由
不要让你泪流 不要内疚
只要你回头 依然觉得有想我的理由

只要你回头 会承认我们不止是朋友

a surreal kind of feeling. something which you thought had certain returns came back with loads of bonus is such a great feeling! its so intense and momentarily blinding - i never knew making your loved ones happy could be such great a job to do! especially when its more than one of your loved ones turning to you with smiling faces!

its like as if everything you've done was more than worthwhile - the 1st step is always the toughest and the most important ingredient to success is the support you can find.

've been wondering how do you know if you really like someone or you just miss them because you are used to them being around you? is there a benchmark? hee :D just like how do you differentiate between admiration and liking? hmmz... wonders. can it be really be based on the rate at which your heart beats? how do you know which first time it is? let time tell what is to come.

wikipedia post:
A star is a massive, luminous ball of plasma. Stars group together to form galaxies, and they dominate the visible universe. The nearest star to Earth is the Sun, which is the source of most of the energy on Earth, including daylight. Other stars are visible in the night sky, when they are not outshone by the Sun. A star shines because nuclear fusion in its core releases energy which traverses the star's interior and then radiates into outer space. Almost all elements heavier than hydrogen and helium were created inside the cores of stars.

Astronomers can determine the mass, age, chemical composition and many other properties of a star by observing its spectrum, luminosity and motion through space. The total mass of a star is the principal determinant in its evolution and eventual fate. Other characteristics of a star that are determined by its evolutionary history include the diameter, rotation, movement and temperature. A plot of the temperature of many stars against their luminosities, known as a Hertzsprung-Russell diagram (H-R diagram), allows the current age and evolutionary state of a particular star to be determined.

A star begins as a collapsing cloud of material that is composed primarily of hydrogen along with some helium and heavier trace elements. Once the stellar core is sufficiently dense, some of the hydrogen is steadily converted into helium through the process of nuclear fusion. The remainder of the star's interior carries energy away from the core through a combination of radiative and convective processes. These processes keep the star from collapsing upon itself and the energy generates a stellar wind at the surface and radiation into outer space.

Once the hydrogen fuel at the core is exhausted, a star of at least 0.4 times the mass of the Sun expands to become a red giant, fusing heavier elements at the core, or in shells around the core. It then evolves into a degenerate form, recycling a portion of the matter into the interstellar environment where it will form a new generation of stars with a higher proportion of heavy elements.

Binary and multi-star systems consist of two or more stars that are gravitationally bound, and generally move around each other in stable orbits. When two such stars have a relatively close orbit, their gravitational interaction can have a significant impact on their evolution.

my post:
when you like something, you will tend to find out as much infomation as you can on it... but then again too much facts and information seem to diminishes the creative and imaginative spaces for your own mind to roam about when you don't know anything about it at first? stars?! aren't beautiful things supposed to remain beautiful no matter from which angle you look at it - science or non-factual?

the moon can see me!

can someone from outerspace shoot a star when i look into the dark sky next time? thanks.

happened to read "born on a blue day"... when he was young, he seems so pefectly fine to be without any friends at all. but actually why does it feels wierd if we were to imagine ourselves to be "friendless"? stigma or impression formed since young?

hmmm... actually what are some reasons why friends are important? because they are a source of support? because they just happen to be there when you want someone to spend time with? because they listen to you when you want someone to talk to? because you don't want to be alone?

ever wonder how strong friendship can be when weighed with self interests? what are the boundaries you can push in any friendship? especially today?

low maintenance friendships tend to be able to last longer probably since meeting up once in a while gives you more time to miss each other more and have more topics to talk about as compared to meeting up too often? or because its a kind of friendship where you know you are emotional-burden-free from the daily hassles and problems your friends might face?

how do you judge if a friendship is strong? does the no. of getting-togethers and time spent together matter? or by relativity - as compared to your other friends? does it affect the amount of trust you have for each other?

you probably can have friends you feel comfortable to hang out with all the time and even know their lifestyles and home as well as your own but when it comes to finding someone to share your real burdens with - how often will you talk to them? maybe they don't give you the confidence to cos you know them too long such that you know they are not the kind whom like you to share your problems with them?

if the amount of trust is by relativity - if your friend trusts you more than any of her friends and you know it - but not as much as you trust her - will this affect the friendship? how many friends are you confident will come to your rescue if an emergency crops up at the expense of maybe her life? if you at least have one, then you are probably one of the lucky few.

friendship, most of the time comes second in priority to our family and perhaps love - you probably think yout family is for life so is your future other-halve. once again, if you have at least one friends whom you can imagine keeping in contact and growing old with together till the day maybe when your children are big then once again, you are probably one of the lucky few.

but of course you can't imagine your life without all of your friends either - to talk, to play, to slack, to plan, to lame, to eat, to sing, to bicker, to think of.

I waited 'til I saw the sun
I don't know why I didn't come
I left you by the house of fun
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand

Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road along

Something has to make you run
I don't know why I didn't come
I feel as empty as a drum
I don't know why I didn't come

I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

everyone needs to find their own terabithia... really love this bittersweet story and movie... the characters and their world of adventure... a must watch! but its kind of sad afterall that very few have the courage like them to venture into terabithia, especially here. you'll probably be bringing in many appalled faces if you should find your own terabithia... just like how so many kids were taught that fairytales never exist. can't kids just have a go at their imaginative and creative minds? the reality will eventually sink in when they grow up, so why not just let them live in a fun and relaxed happily-ever-after?

its intriguing how we react so differently to people around us, how we carry ourselves and all - why we come up with different decisions on the same matter at different times. why we have so many sides of ourselves? do all the sides add up to the one “me”? or are we just a mixture of others’ shadows – of all who are around us? like putting on who we think best at the moment in time and act through with it? are we just tired of being ourselves all the time so that its time to change at every chance we have? or maybe there isn’t a “me” to begin with.

perhaps the more new things happen to us the more we tend to start exploring more sides. perhaps everyone is not even sure ofwho everyone else is and who they really are. it can be really tiring to have acquaintances at times and yet you can't be without them at other times. i like the idea of being alone sometimes as i don’t need no reactions at all. a whirlwind of thoughts and tangled web of relations in my mind.

i am the same me but different to everyone else. can i ever learn to trust totally? can i even trust myself? with age and different experience we are exposed to, we just grow and learn to take on new sides in life. maybe things never change but the people do. linking and relating is so tiring… perhaps i am simply solitary yet afraid of solitude at some point in time. perhaps i am beginning to change and yet resisting it. the beginning of change is marked by feeling of inadequacy and over-rush of changing tides. maybe time will pass and i am still me. waves of torrents does not affect what the heart wishes to stay the same.

what happens when there are times where you know you should be feeling in a certain way and yet you are not and why are there times when you know you should do something and yet you dun feel like doing it at all. i miss being one with the ocean like a fish and never reminded of the botherous things. someday beyond sea somewhere waiting for me…

aww... i am simply in love with my friendly neighbour!!! haha yeah! tobey maguire rocks!!! and yup... spidey 3 was a nice movie!!! just that the first 2 movies were such a hit that spidey 3 sort of met the great expectation but its just getting harder for it to exceed that tall benchmark it set for itself and take me by surprise (like the first 2 movies did). the first is still my favourite... the intense and great changes spidey had to cope with still leaves an intriguing impression in my mind... the 2nd movie was simply captivating and intoxicating especially when he had to stop that train... aww...

seriously cannot imagine another person playing peter parker's role other than tobey maguire... he is too woven and linked with spidey for me... its just like he was born to act spidey... haha. ok yeah sheer biasness. fine. i just love tobey maguire what says you? all along batman and superman are always changing actors and they did not manage to draw me as deeply as this spidey has...

whoever said that being a butterfly is definitely better than a caterpillar? simply because a butterfly is so beautiful doesn't necessary mean that its life as a caterpillar was any pathetic and meaningless ok?! how would you know since you are not it? but how would i know since i'm not it too?! ...maybe changes come naturally to all living things as time pass by. but if a caterpillar were given the chance to choose, would it rather remain as a caterpillar in face with all the pretty butterflies around it? and what if a butterfly gets to choose too... will it and can it be a simple caterpillar again after all that it has seen once it got its wings? what will it see? definitely more than what a caterpillar sees? but will what it faces after the change be worth the choice? what if the choice is irreversible and the chance to choose only comes once? to take a venture and may so live a life of regret thereafter or remain the same and keep thinking about the "what ifs" if it had made the other choice? what will your choice be?

is it really possible to stay the same person you are? ...and when people all around you changes... will things ever be the same again even when you refuse to change? what if you lose track of the real sense of being yourself if you keep changing all the time and one day gets too tired to stay the same anymore? staying the same requires so much effort and more than your decision... it so depended on whether your environment allows you to... whether you come to terms with the balancing point and whether you are able balance this point with people around you. why, i didn't like people to be hard on themselves and change to please me but neither do i like it the other way round too... can't we just find someone who are more or less like us and at the same time prefers to stay more or less the same for us and for themselves too?