i. feel. like. that.
jason walker

... i tried to write
the perfect song
but every time i do
i feel like it just comes out wrong
i've tried to find the perfect words
i'm still looking for
the ones that you deserve

and i don't know if i will ever find
the perfect way to tell you, why
when every time i try...

... cos every moment meant so much
i couldn't let it pass
i'm right back where i first stood...

... and you know
i've never looked back
and every time i try to tell you how i feel
i feel like that

i feel like that.

it's hard to give
when i'm still fallin'
but i haven't hit the ground
but i hope
you can understand
i'm only trying to say
in the best way that i can

and i don't think
that i will ever find the perfect way to tell you,
why.

cry.
jason walker

... holding on just don't make sense
but the hardest part of letting go
is tryin' to find a way
to let you know

so we'll just cry, cry
on each other's shoulders
cry until it's over

can't it just be over
and we'll just cry, cry
cry until it's all gone

been holding on for too long
time for us to move on
i'm tired of tryin' to find a reason why
so let's just cry

i'm tired of tryin' to find a reason why
i'm tired of tryin' to find a reason why
i'm tired of tryin' to find a reason why

so let's just cry.

.seven years.
by norah jones

... eyes wide open,
always hoping for the sun.
and she'll sing her song to anyone
that comes along.

fragile as a leaf in autumn,
just fallin' to the ground,
without a sound.

crooked little smile on her face,
tells a tale of grace
that's all her own...

why can't i

why can't i just be around you without being so aware of the rest?

can you even see that i wish to spend more time by your side but somehow people just cross my path literally?
why can't our paths cross in a more intricate and timely manner?

truth is, why can't i just be braver?
i don't even think you can tell its only you i want.

as much as i'd like to see you around,
even if its for that few minutes,
to know you're here at where i am though we may not meet,

yet if being where we are does not bring you happiness,
then i'd rather you leave and find a place where you'd truly be happy, or at least that bit happier,
even if this means we may never cross paths.

i guess fate has teased me once again,
like she's done before.

perhaps i am truly irresistible to tease... even by fate.

or maybe its just the melancholic streak in me.

but i truly wish you'll be happy, wherever you are.

... a tiny crevice into you.
a pleasant, surprise find.
don't know how this may go,
but i like where we've been.

i like. today,
because of you.
the finally not-so-quiet you.

:)

because you came.

:)

today felt a little different,

almost a little special.

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times when you confused me once more.
sensing more than i should?
you! seriously!

it must have been your usual 'calm and serious' persona...
therefore you always manages to surprise me just by being
that teeny little bit cheekier...
that teeny little bit more hyper...
that teeny little bit less dark and more cheery...
that teeny little bit in the 'doing-something-silly' (in a somewhat rather cute manner) mode.

i smiled, though our eyes did not meet - dared not,
well-aware that my force shield is not strong enough.
... so you probably wouldn't know i was kind of happy to meet you again.

no doubt, you merely reacted a little more strongly than your usual rather quiet self.
but i know, i am truly irresistible to tease,
even by the seriously most serious person on earth. (fine, a little exaggeration here.)

still, your puzzling reactions...
your 'jokingly' approach, put down all your stuff, appeared shocked, turn, walk away and suddenly come back with a somewhat bubbly teasing self when you saw me.

yeah. what? again? again.
you are genuinely funny,
so funny i wanted to laugh, a concoction of the 'kind-of-happy-to-see-you-again' with a little of the 'err.. -_-" so, this is the way you welcome me back?'.

and so,
since you're so funny that i don't know what to make of you,
i therefore decide, at this point in time, to give a loud dramatic sigh,
before concluding once more - its just you having fun teasing me. again.

yes. so, and nothing more.
you, strange you.

you, who somehow just manages to bring me that smile others can't.
irritating you.
seriously.

wildebeest and the rain

like a wildebeest seeking the scent of rain,
a wanderer, his sojourn,
i traced your unseen footsteps.

stealing a peek from the crevice between the rocks,
i saw that drop of tear from eons ago,
heart of a man who once was lost.

i woke, so i'd never be found.
this sense of freedom i now hold,
meant solely for the brave dreamer i'll never find.

ses-see-lee-ə, ses-see-lee-ə,

sight of our soul, blindness of self.

ah ~ faith. unseen.

go ahead, analyse the life lived,
postulate the life unlived; and find,
at the end of it all,
yourself clueless.

to know the right one, trust your heart.
for no matter how hard one tries,
love remains something of a spark.

yet sparks only last this long.

because nothing is fixed,
you can define it to be anything.
and because you can define it as anything,
nothing is correct and nothing is wrong.

a full time dreamer and philosopher,
ah! but why is this title unpaid?
chided, laughed at, puzzled over,
perhaps bringing a stifling remembrance -
yet worth nothing more.

a glimpse of that ever-elusive, slippery fish?
as difficult as you are to be unraveled,
you'll soon realised you can't even begin to find that iceberg tip of hers,
in this little deep ocean.
she doesn't even need to try hiding.

to be lost.
and, never to be found.

"His broad clear brow in sunlight glow'd;
On burnish'd hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow'd
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
He flash'd into the crystal mirror,
"Tirra lirra," by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces thro' the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She look'd down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack'd from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
The Lady of Shalott. ..."

dear lady of shalott,
but why had you turn?
why this foolish dream?
why had you a mirror?

tirra lirra. tirra lirra.

bury you in satin,
lay you down on a bed of roses?
sink you in the river at dawn,
send you away with the words of a love song?
sharp knife of a short life.

the ballad of a dove,
go with peace and love,
gather up your tears.

i see you. smile.

i see your smile.
there can be a hundred reasons.
i just wished i was that one.
you're moving so slowly,
if you're moving at all.
i'm tired of waiting,
but can do nothing more.
perhaps we're both unsure,
or perhaps i got it wrong.
but your minuscule actions -
they get me killed.
you're here, there,
you're everywhere.
gets on my nerves sometimes.
yet perhaps tis' just an excuse for my melancholic indulgence, which makes me feel alive.

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with every second that passed, fish becomes less certain of the intensity of those feelings she's felt since.
this slipping away, be good or bad?
perhaps neither.
for if something is real, it never really goes away.
yet if something is dreamt, it can never be taken away.

"after the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box."
the passing kings and the interesting pawns fish swam across in the chess game settings of her life -
they never lasted long.
neither queen nor pawns would she be,
just an ordinary on-looker, a passer-by.
stop, stare, think and maybe be amazed for a while -
catch her while she's deep in thoughts,
right before she snaps out and glides away.

hopes and dreams that never hurt,

so transient, so desirable.
perhaps in spite of the strength and intensity of the emotions she felt,
her deep want for zen-ity and control of self would never allow her reins to be let go of fully.

for beneath the crashing waves lies a locked-away heart so still,
she sometimes wonder and fear if its actually still beating.

swimming away,
never looking back.

set in stone,
i'm fighting till the end.

i ain't giving in,
cos this is deep enough.

its a want, not a need.
the want to stop wanting -

you. in my life.

you, the mighty and outstanding you.
the one who held the unseen strings to my heart, without you even knowing.

you, the one who's too dangerous for me.

you, the one who got away.

so you, may continue to remain where you stand.
i am strong enough to turn and walk away.

all too gracefully, the episodes play on,
in my cluttered mind.

and the little story goes on
in my simple life.

without you in it.

this quote pretty much just summed up everything.

"meeting you was fate,
becoming your friend was a choice,
but falling in love with you, i had no control over."

little fish, little fish.

true love and fish's little philosphical mind.

limerence, infatuation, passion and true love -
the former three a prerequisite to the latter,
whilst not necessarily leading to it.

so one wonders, just how would one know?
hence the answer, only time would tell.
then one asks, when?
when the time line for the two involved crosses at some point in time,
by chance, by fate, by events, by time,
causing one to take the first step, before the other one moves on.

yet, in the case of real, predestined true love (assuming it exists in the first place of course),
would one simply go on waiting forever once one met the one for him or her?
if there is only one 'only one', who must be the right one,
then can there be more than one potential 'right ones'?

is there only the right and only one?
perhaps fish would never know.

the third perspective, the one fish holds.
the other world, the one fish lives and swims in.
and only that few will ever reach her…

why fish are prone to injury and getting hurt simply by being themselves.

1. they exist emotionally rather than rationally, instinctively more than intellectually. (what a self-destructive trait to begin with.)

2. being the sign of altruism and compassion, they are ultra-sensitive to the needs of other people and are sincerely more concerned with the problems of others rather than their own. in fact, when they see someone suffering, they identify with it so closely, it feels as if it is happening to them, making it impossible for them to say no to anyone in trouble. never egotistical in their personal relationships and give more than they ask for from their friends. extremely accepting and forgiving, they are often being taken advantage of. few signs would be as willing to forgo personal pleasure on behalf of another. yet all this giving can wear out a pisces over time and sometimes they simply don't know how to stop giving. (yes. sadly, yes. why? how come? how to stop giving? how? when you keep feeling for the others, who would never feel the same way for you when you need them to understand. why?)

3. they are popular with all kinds of people, partly because of their easy going and affectionate nature which offer no threat or challenge to the stronger or more outgoing types. accepting of the people around them and the circumstances in which they find themselves in rather than trying to change others. (why does it sound as if i’m simply paving a red carpet on myself and inviting people to step on and all over me? how not to want to hide under a banana leaf and get away from it all? haix.)

4. they do not like to be confined; especially when feeling vulnerable, therefore one of the best healing tonics for them generally is just being alone and escaping the day-to-day stress grind. (YES!!! YES!! by the sea. by the waters, by herself. ALONE!!! YES, ALONE!!! now you see why. just her and her alone, or with people who really, can see from her eyes, understand her, and support her, and not anyone or any random friend, really!)

5. they can be easily discouraged, feel despondent and unappreciated, causing them to move on to something or someone else, and always searching for that safe harbor they can call home. (yes. safe, calm and peaceful waters where fish feels protected… fish would not ask for anything more.)

6. they have trouble staying grounded in the material, physical reality because their minds are usually in the clouds. many of them are definitely escapists, but it is their secret weapon in this harsh world - they need to create their own reality when life gets too hard to take on, by losing themselves in a good book or movie. (yes, the only way out is simply deluding ourselves with the existence of another ideal world, somewhere where only we know the way to.)

7. when under stress, all they want to do is hide, hoping reality will disappear or magically mend itself. the last thing they need - major obligations and responsibilities to others. (cannot be more apt, and cannot get more true. but people simply won't get this on their own and fish simply cannot bring herself to tell them. see how crappy this thing can get for this fish over here.)

8. having two fish swimming in opposite directions - one upstream to the divine and the other downstream towards the material and physical, but bound together by a cord - the dilemma, one of the stormy seas for pisces, who are all too aware of both directions but are slightly more comfortable in the spiritual/creative realm than in the physical one. each time a decision comes up, all twelve avenues of expression must be considered for the pisces, which can be a very, overwhelming dilemma indeed. (preceisely. just exactly how should one decide if she can see the big picture and the stories from all the different sides?)

9. being a deeply philosophical sign, money does not motivate them as much as self-expression and creativity does. almost always have large and beautiful eyes which mirror their feelings openly. their doorway to the soul - who better to have eyes so deep and wide that looking into them makes one feels as if one could be be hypnotized by them? (hmm. yes to mirror-ing feelings openly, no to the mystical hypnotizing powers leh.)

10. they are incurable romantics period. in the right relationship, this can be a fairy tale union and in a wrong one, a nightmare because they can’t let go immediately. unfortunately easily misled by the fantasy of romantic love and then later become disappointed by the reality of an everyday, unromantic relationship. yet intensely loyal and home-loving and will remain faithful. emotionally, pisces like to hold and comfort others and to be a container for others as much as they are looking to merge and be contained by their soul mate. they believe in soul mate, and will never give up their search... (seriously, what are the odds? see, again this is going to be pain, pain and more pain.)

11. they are capable of loving and accepting totally and unconditionally, until others prove them wrong, and even that won’t convince them right away. “i believe.”. if ever there was a sign to dream the impossible dream, it's pisces! show the other signs how it's done! (haha. yes. can simply be done in another world, or with some difficulty in this world… if we somehow manage to survive with the load of things on our plates.)

the unconventionality of mixed signals.
yet fish's made the choice to trust her intuition.
hence with every moment of nothing happening,
her heart stills and drifts further away.

soon, it shall cease to matter.

for indeed nothing but time, is everything.
once the spark of the moment is gone, it is simply, gone.
as much as she enjoys undertaking long, meaningful journeys,
the wait before the beginning wears her spirits down.

hence, her sojourn,
the need to catch her before she slips away.
yet slowly but surely, she is gaining her rein back.
this much she can feel for now.

the very moment she sets her heart and mind on swimming away from it all,
this quiet and calm strength she's gained,
from the promise of never looking back -
she liked that,
the sense of simplicity and freedom.

soon, return it shall.
very.

possibility... by tiffany alvord
comments... by me.

i look at you, you look at me (but you probably look at everyone anyways.)
i look away, so you can't see
i'm dreamin of you
and you don't even know, you don't even know (i think)

that i'm fallin madly in love ('falling madly for' maybe, 'love' still a bit too intensed lah huh.)
with you, with you
and i wish that you were going
crazy for me too (which i highly doubt so.)

and i sit alone in the darkest night
my heart is pounding and i wonder why (i know why, i just don't know how it all began.)
why am i invisible, why can't you see (ok i am not invisible and you are not physically blind, so of course you'll see... just in a different way.)
i am in love with you (too intense lah, i don't even know anything about you apart from you being unreadable and a pro hider.)
are you in love with me? (don't think so.)

you show some signs, but i'm not sure (i don't even think you meant them as signs...)
it's a secret love, and you're the cure (cure. hmm. but there's also the possibility of falling even more ill...)
i just need to know
what you think about me, about me (more like a want to know. but not gonna happen.)

don't you think that maybe you and me
could be a possibility (well, if the term 'miracle' exists, there must be some possibility. then again the word 'impossibility' exists too. hmm...)
i just wish that baby you could see, you could see (actually don't exactly know what's there to see basically. haha)

need some air,
need to fight this moonlight.
don't want to lose,
don't want to fall in.
trying hard to steer clear.
don't want to be at your mercy.

its not supposed to be like this.
like how you manage to make me feel.
like how you creep into my mind,
and appear in my thoughts so silently and randomly.
like how you brighten up my world just by being near.

but just how can i dim those lights?
if i close my eyes and turn away,
my mind wanders back.
and each time we cross each others' paths,
i'll have to do this all over again.

its tiring trying to breakaway,
its tiring staying stuck.
its a losing game of squash either way.
so how on earth did i enrol myself in this mess in the first place?

need to swim away.
need to swim away from you.
from this desirable,irresistable and distant you.
this you whom i simply can never reach.

because 'unreachability' is detrimental for a fish,
who seeks peaceful, calm and safe waters,
who seeks simple happiness,
who seeks the one who would feel the same way for her.

medley medley

and in another life I would be your girl
we keep all our promises, be us against the world
and in another life I would make you stay
so I don't have to say you were the one that got away
the one that got away...

tell me what you want to hear
something that will light those ears
i'm sick of all the insincere

this time,
don't need another perfect lie
don't care if critics ever jump in line

i'm gonna give all my secrets away...

if you want to hear.

while she may be intrigued by mysteries and secrets,
while they may capture her attention and thoughts a moment longer,
only genuine openess, trust and understanding from you are capable of holding her for life.

see past her easily excitable self, to find her deep desire for sharing your thoughts, your world, your life.
stand by her well of overwhelming emotions ~ pour your heart out to her.
and then be ready to see her depth prepared for the soul she's been waiting the whole eternity for.

you.