resolved to keeping the promise to herself silently,
she marched on with much firmity.
the waters calmed,
as long as he's not anywhere near her,

things were unbelievably simpler and easier,
when he's not anywhere near her.

and, it just might help a little more,
if he would stop calling her names whenever he sees her,
if he would tease her less,
if he would look less deep into her eyes during each brief chat they shared.

but, as long as she remembers to remind herself that,
he will always be shrouded in mystery,
remains unreachable,
and that his heart lies elsewhere,
things would be fine, and the waters, calm.

for she is an ardent believer of the philosophistic idea that,
in order for two hearts to truly bond,
both parties would have to take the same number of steps towards each other,
at the same time, under all circumstances.
not one more than the other, not in opposing directions.

and while she acknowledges her lack of patience for those
who tries too hard to keep their guarding wall high,
horoscope trait or not.
she'd have knocked once or twice, gently, before walking away.

she refuses to wait outside - she's never enjoyed playing the role of an unwelcomed intruder.

on another note - one that you'd probably never stumble upon,
you should learn to trust her,
and reveal yourself to her -
if you truly are waiting for or trying to find that somebody in your song.

you have to help the one who now holds your heart be that somebody whom you seek,
for that somebody is never ready-made.

and for this, you'll have to pass her the key to your heart - there is no other way.

one day.

one day i will,

one day i shall.

till then, i'll wait.

one day, far far away,

i shall find you.

you will see.

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complaint of a hurt angry fish.

one of those days when fish decides to finish her piece in silence. perhaps it was truly her own fault for wanting to know. but if this was a huge part of her, what could she have done instead? does that give anyone the right to not let her know just because it was fun to watch her responses? fish would never want others to be in the same situation as her, so she would always choose to reveal if that person truly wants to know. perhaps that's why fish is so angry. this is why fish should just keep quiet and be a silent fish starting now. then others will find this no longer fun. perhaps its simply time for her to learn to not want to know. angry fish for today.

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quiet guy's song.
(who wouldn't want somebody like this anyways.)

I want somebody to share, share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts, know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side and give me support
And in return she'll get my support

She will listen to me when I want to speak
About the world we live in and life in general

Though my views may be wrong, they may even be perverted
She'll hear me out, and won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking in fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all she will understand me

I want somebody who cares for me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things in a different light
All the things I detest I will almost like

I don't want to be tied to anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things
But when I'm asleep I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me, kiss me tenderly

Though things like this make me sick
In a case like this I'll get away with it

ok. time for fish to break off this cycle.
she needs to get out of this trench.
soon.

deep-seated sorrow, perhaps not?
bittersweet melancholy - its always been so.
when she loses her steering wheel,
so wrong. so right. so what's left?

both so overly independent,
both so used to doing things on their own.
both so skilled at concealment.

she knows not why or how,
she simply knows she misses him,
and her heart softly ached thinking of the time she could have spent beside him.

but as usual, nobody knew how much she really liked him.
that all her thoughts of him were a little short of tormenting.

deep beneath her nonchalance and calmess,
lies the silent wish that he would rush to her side,
that he would hold her hand and asks her not to leave his side.

but fairytales are not meant to exist in real life anyway.
silly girl, one who had never forgotten this,
but still choose to believe in them.
can you get any sillier?

tell him, but she never would,
for she knows not what he thinks.
and she never will, for he will always be so mysterious and remain this ninja-like in her heart.

although March is coming to an end,
his every move shall be etched in her mind,
for a long long time.

mr quiet guy,
i like you so.
so very much indeed.
but i don't think you'll ever know,
this ninja side of me.

helplessness.

your smile, your move, your every word,
unknowingly i let them seep in.
into my mind, where they imprint,
helplessly, so helplessly.

your stride, your laugh, your child-likeness,
carelessly i let them creep in.
into my heart, where they overwhelm,
helplessly, so helplessly.

so generous you are,
with your unfathomable silence.
your self-claimed simplicity, a complex mystery,
dying to be unravelled.

i wish i could find that little corner in your heart,
to know what you truly feel.
i wish i could dive deep within the depths of your soul,
to see if a piece of mine exists.

a trance-like dream, i wish never to be awakened.
each day of the following day never seemed this far away,
knowing there's a chance to look into your eyes,
to hear your voice, to see you smile, to be near you.

i felt this would be nice, for the rest of my life.

can't help feeling silly around you.
can do nothing about my embedded shyness,
can't help looking into your eyes,
the ones that have seen so much, so deep.

we were so close,
and you were this close.

so close, to taking my breath all away.

one day, fish came across this song which cannot be more apt as to the situation she is in right now...

both.

一眼之念 一念执着

注定就此飞蛾扑火

明知是祸为何还不知所措

quiet guy.

最好不见 最好不念

如此才可不与你相恋

多一步的擦肩就步步沦陷

shoe.

是时间的过错

让我们只能错过

我多想念你多遥远

both.

早知道是苦果

这一刻也不想逃脱

可惜这字眼太刺眼

两个世界之后

shoe.

是时间的过错

我们只能错过

我有多么想念你有多遥远

both.

早知道结局是不能抗拒的错

停留在这一刻

只好情深缘浅

not your eyes.

today i realised its not your eyes. there's more than meet the eyes. which is not good, which is simply bad. march should end as soon as it can. i never had much rein on my heart. and i don't think i ever will. i wish i could close my eyes to what i see about you and in you. but each time i closed my eyes my mind reminds me of what i've already seen and the feeling of helplessness overwhelms. i want to run but where can i go? i like you but i hate this feeling i can't control. and i need You to stop sending nice people like him into my life if nothing is going to happen again. there's only this much i can take. so why are you testing me like that time and again? what do You want of me, Lord? what?

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the casting of lots.

"hopelessly romantic and idealistic dreamer fish, you shall be destined to feel and dream more than you'd ever wished for. this shall be your blessing and your bane, for seeking that horizon which is within your sight, but never within your reach."

it is a solemn promise of always putting the other person's interests above my own.
it is something simple because you simply need to give your all, yet never easy because of the multitude of internal struggles.
it is the symbol of strength through weariness.
it is that 20 seconds of insane courage required to overcome the fear of the aftermath.
it is the certainty that you want more than friendship with this someone.
it is finding someone you are sure you want to spend every moment of the rest of your life with.
it is a choice that happened first by chance.

and things become even more impossible when you are a fish who is shy, slippery and too timid to do anything about the crazy thoughts sprouting in your romantist's mind.

yet a tinge of melancholy has always been that which makes life bittersweetly beautiful.

love and hate this part of me, which is so significantly representative of myself. can't stand it.

青花瓷 ~ Jay Chou

素胚勾勒出青花笔锋浓转淡
瓶身描绘的牡丹一如妳初妆
冉 冉檀香透过窗心事我了然
宣纸上走笔至此搁一半

釉色渲染仕女图韵味被私藏
而妳嫣然的一笑如含苞 待放
妳的美一缕飘散
去到我去不了的地方

天青色等烟雨而我在等妳
炊烟袅袅昇起隔 江千万里
在瓶底书汉隶仿前朝的飘逸
就当我为遇见妳伏笔

天青色等烟雨而我在等妳
月 色被打捞起晕开了结局
如传世的青花瓷自顾自美丽
妳眼带笑意

色白花青的锦鲤跃然于碗底
临 摹宋体落款时却惦记著妳
妳隐藏在窑烧裡千年的秘密
极细腻犹如绣花针落地

帘外芭蕉惹骤雨门环惹 铜绿
而我路过那江南小镇惹了妳
在泼墨山水画裡
你从墨色深处被隐去

天青色等烟雨 而我在等妳
炊烟袅袅昇起隔江千万里
在瓶底书汉隶仿前朝的飘逸
就当我为遇见妳伏笔

天青色等烟雨而我在等妳
月色被打捞起晕开了结局
如传世的青花瓷自顾自美丽
妳眼带笑意

She never told her love,
But let concealment, like a worm i'th' bud,
Feed on her damask cheek. She pined in thought,
And with a green and yellow melancholy
She sat like Patience on a monument,
Smiling at grief. Was not this love indeed?

little fish was happily swimming in her own world until one day she swam upon a serene shore and came by a pair of sneakers. she was surprised to find this pair of shoes in the middle of nowhere, just lying by the waters so peacefully - they weren't brightly coloured or loud, just white and simple.

and it was their simplicity that simply caught her attention.

she swam ashore, sat by the waters and begin to examine them. it was a pair of white-coloured sneakers, with beige shoe laces - perfect for someone in a simple white dress! she gently slipped her left foot into the shoes first, and then her right - they fitted so comfortably! she strolled along the beach and danced a little while.

under the gentle moon beams, they seem to glow a soft white light.

she'd never want to take them off if she could. yet she knew that this pair of shoes probably belonged to another, for they did not whisper her name when she put them on. but she liked them nonetheless, something she can't explain. like, just like. really like. like how she would like to tread the paths of a hundred different places with this pair of shoes, like how she would like to run and jump and dance in them, like how she would like them to whisper her name and let her know why.

and when it was time for the tides and waves to send the shoes away, she reluctantly slip out of them and place them back where she found them.

yet the memories of her wearing the shoes just kept coming back at her. much was left undone, words were left unspoken. she wondered deeply if she would feel the way she felt, for any friend, or there really was something more? yet she really had only worn it for a short while, so how can she feel such sadness and worry when she watch them float away so bravely, to the shore they truly belonged? and how can they simply float away with this part of her that she didn't agree to let go in the first place?

while her mind calmed a little thinking of the closure,
her heart ached a little thinking of the distance.

she will always miss this pair of shoes of hers, no matter where they float to, however short while she wore them for. the footprints they left behind, and the sand beneath her shoes would all be washed away by the water one day. but she knew that grains of memories shall always remain a part of them.

goodbye shoes, be well, be brave.

if we shall cross path once more, may the one who owns you then truly be deserving of you, and may you find happiness with her, the happiness which fate and time had not in stored for us at the moment.

goodbye, shoes. i will miss you. very much.

in the quiet midnight forest, the sky thief offered a toast to the milky way.
as silently as he entered, he quietly exits.
he had stolen some stars and left them on my path.
with them, he buried a fragment of himself in my side of the sky, deep beneath the clouds.
yet as the sun rises, shall a new day dawn.
and when the sun sets, shall his stars light up my sky.
and i shall smile.
but he shall never know.

stars...

the alignment of three stars today.
for that brief moment, today.
strangely, today.
weird.

this was what the forecast said:
January 30, 2012
Beautiful energy is with you today for attracting who and what you want into your life, dear Pisces, with patience. There's no better time to "be yourself", as the very qualities that come naturally to you are exactly what others are looking for. You are attracting positive attention now. You won't go unnoticed!

so, surprisingly tonight, a newborn evening star offered me an 'out-of-the-way' lift home. for the longest time, i really did not expect him to do anything, though he does give me a somewhat different feeling from the others. we really kind of just met and it totally did not occur to me that this evening star would ask to exchange contact detail (not so soon at least), and then offered to give me a ride home?! yet, like the morning star, this evening star would be travelling a different path soon; a relatively shorter path nonetheless.

and i met the afternoon star! he simply flashed his a-bit-of-a-shy, brief, charming smile, and looked at me with his signature electrifying pair of eyes once again. and somehow the shirt he wore simply accentuates his killer stare. can't stand it. he absolutely said and did exactly nothing, using zero percent of his power and energy to mesmerise me to death within split second, unknowingly! what the schiezer?! really. seriously. i need kryptonite.

the morning star and i met unplanned on the bus again! we last met unexpectedly when we were going home and today it was in the morning! i finally realised the night before, that he was the one i first thought of messaging when i was feeling low over something that bothered me at work, and not another friend. and him being there, and those right words he said, made me realised just how much i'd miss having him around - his voice, his presence, his messages, and how much i had actually wished for him to stay a while longer in this part of my life. strange, its barely a few months. how can you simply get so used to someone you hung around with so infrequently? but you somehow just do. and how can he make me miss him like that and know nothing about it?

haix. so somehow, my life just all of a sudden became filled with rising stars that are either embarking on different meteor tracts altogether, or are simply far too blinding to approach. yet they all happened to cross my path today. what a strange day today is.

strange.
indeed.

finished a bar of chocolate
straightening out my thoughts
thought i'll get some light
but perhaps not tonight

i watched the birds fly and the sun went down
wondering about life
i scooped a handful of sand
and let them slip through my fingers so very slowly
i could still feel them at my fingertips

i noticed your eyes and were mesmerised
but emptiness sets in and i'm lost in the lullaby
we sailed through silence as we saw the moon rise
but the mystery will not unravel itself tonight, shh. it just won't

its not love yet but i still want to know
one day
if this is you,
if it is you.

filled with moving emotions, the depth unseen.

feels so right beside him,

yet just what does he think?

who cares what the world thinks? aloofness!
its fine standing against the winds alone -
just?

no matter if i do more, but it must be fair for the rest.
considerately stark with contrast,

charm he does not know, strength he does not see.

warms you like you're in front of a fireplace, only to send chills in a gale.
just how do i find him if he remains so hidden and confusing?

draw?

doesn't matter.

as march approaches, one end would be tied.

and as march leaves, the other one would too.

conclusions will be drawn, and this passing phase closed.

can't wait? can't bear?

times when she wished she weren't a fish.

how can her heart just slipped away like that?

how can she lose her rein just like that, after she tried so hard to tighten it?

just like that.

how can she be blinded just by that few moments of connection,

which probably didn't mean anything to anyone except her?

if nothing has yet begun and she's already feeling this much, just what happens if anything really happens?

how can anyone understand the crazy and irrational intensity of the emotions she feel?

who can?

she'd all along been the one who laughs and cries with others, who can identify with and feel the emotions of others.

but who can truly feel and understand what she feels now and then tell her what to do?

and who can help wake her up and make her believe this isn't real?

sadist fish who can't help it. 

why can't things speed up so she wouldn't have time on her fin to dream?

why can't she just stop weaving little stories in her mind?

fish, why, so torn?

fish, why so sad?

fish, why so helpless?

stop giving me THAT stare.

i mean it.

i want to see you and i don't want to see you.

its getting on my nerves.

my defences were never strong to begin with.

so i need you to stop it.

its too penetrating.

that reaches-into-the-depths-of-my-soul kind of stare.

the common problem with your species.

and the downfall of mine.

i don't even know anything about you.

its already electrifying enough when you are around.

and fishes can only take that much.

especially when they already find you impressive enough.

go get yourself a wedding or attachment ring and wear it or something.

you will get me into deep shit if this continues.

and it doesn't help, you being so secretive and all.

i thought i was the level 10000.

now i can't read you.

what is this crap.

although through this all you probably wouldn't know anything.

nothing.

but this fish here can still swim and hide somewhere -

the least they could do and the best they could manage.

you shall be non-existent from now on.

she will have to learn her control.

but what happens when there are just no place safe?

when you are just everywhere,

and that you shine even in that dim, quiet corner you'd always stay?

but its alright.
now i know.
you probably belong to Him.
not too surprising.
it's happened before.
i'd just have to get used to it.
and learn to close my eyes.
can't believe this.

a scorpion and a crab.

how many times must it be this way again?

would you prefer to be stung or pinched this time round, little fish -

without hard shells or venom, your only survival defense is your masked exterior,

which must remain undetectable to this practical world.

your little conjured world of fantasy have to end,

it has to stop today.

yet the day when a piscean stops dreaming is the day when she ceases to be one.

and the day when she stops having the conflicts within herself is the day when she lets herself go.

little fish, little fish,

what would you do?

how can someone own such a pair of deep-set eyes?

how can someone be so gentle, so meek, yet possess a strong spirit?

how can someone make her feel so light-hearted, just by being around her?

how can someone brighten her day just by calling her name?

there must be something more that she doesn't know,

something there that she must have missed,

something here that's blinding her - the wind, the stars, anything!

he must have belonged to someone somewhere.

or someone else must have caught his eyes somehow.

he can be anything but real, and nothing more but a dream.

he just cannot exist and things should stay this way.

how else is she to cope with him being so close by her side?

she needs to walk away.

she needs some cool and refreshing air to clear her head.

she needs to take a deep breath and stop smiling to herself like an idiot whenever he comes to her mind.

its time for her rational and practical mind to battle her irrational and idealistic thoughts.

its war time.

and most importantly, she needs to keep this to herself.