入战曲伴我无悔的狂妄，我所憧憬的爱情。

《兰陵王》

左手掌握着空心，

右手掌握着痴心，

一心一意捧在手掌心 。

偏偏我越抱越緊，

偏偏我越愛越貪心，

偏偏要爱到万剑穿了心才死心。

我属于你的注定，不属于我的命运。

 

我手心的温度。

moringa turtledove

black dove, white crow perched on snow,
if you could a dove, would you rather a crow?

white as snow, black as coal,
dark ebony, blinding white.

roles, life, contrast, mosaic.
the night circus invites.

play, live, blend, collage.
the daybreak beckons.

the still stirred,
eyes open.

wednesday the fifteenth.

1. fell off a bicycle
2. hit my head against metal bar
3. slipped and hit my right elbow against a branch
4. got thrown into a little risky situation
5. almost slipped in the bathroom (again)

alive feels great. phew.

so much for 'friday the thirteenth', here's my plan for the next and final hour of wednesday the fifteenth - drift into dreamland and wake up to a safer tomorrow.

tu-en-tee-thur-tin

"After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box."

the box closes, only to be opened once more.
the game plays on,
till one's very last breath.

the fallen queen and her bishop stifle a laugh,
their horses chortle.

as the days go cold, 
and the cards all fold,

space and strings entwined,
the very marionettes of life,

on a glass jar,
rests the fairy dust.

the wine bead swirls,
it settles,
only to be drunk.

cheers,
what says you?

run

imagine dragons... civil wars.
poison. wine. demons.

when the days are cold

and the cards all fold
wish you'd hold me when i turn my back

i want to hide the truth
i want to shelter you
you only know what i want you to

when you feel my heat
look into my eyes
your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine 

don't love you but i always will

 

when your dreams all fail

and the ones we hail
are the worst of all
the less i give, the more i get back
 

don't get too close

it's dark inside

it's where my demons hide

with the beast inside
there's nowhere we can hide

when the lights fade out

all the sinners crawl

they dug your grave
 

and the masquerade
will come calling out
at the mess you made

your hands can heal, your hands can bruise

they say it's what you make
i say it's up to fate
 

it's woven in my soul
i need to let you go

your eyes, they shine so bright
i want to save their light
 

i can't escape this now

fear.

you only know what i want you to,
but i don't really know if i want you to.
you think your dreams are the same as mine,
yet they are all but bubbles of iridescence.

felt something i can't put in words,
i don't know how long this can last.
the world i paint in my mind,
don't think its real.

i run because i can.
to places where inklings are stowed safely away,
only to be extracted as memories,
a trace in time.

i'm cautious when i shouldn't be,
rational when i know i am not.
afraid to fall when i tell others to be brave,
but i'm tired of tumbling down the grey.

i feed on melancholy,
the ethereal bitter-sweet.
instead of love,
save my heart.

love, always intense, always strong.
always heavy, so i'll never be ready.
convince me, but you shouldn't have to,
i shouldn't need it, why should i need it?
fear always win, it always does.

i watch the dandelions dance in the wind - they always do.
they're never bound,
they're always free.

i'll dance,
i'll fly.

dream.

you only want to hear what you want to hear,
not what i have to say.

misgivings.

a million tiny broken pieces, 
seemingly whole,
far from perfection.

be.dazzled -
it takes more than courage and sweat to pursue a dream,
it takes heartaches and patience,
it takes
your pride away.

yet, a dream is a dream.
it is essentially,
not everything
in life.

cheers.

i ladled sadness, drank sorrow in a single toast.
i swindled the wind, i stole tomorrow.
i called to the sea, i flew over it,
i rose.
the weight of the amnesty, i sank,
i woke.

right.

it takes years to build an empire, a misstep to throw it all away, a missed shot to realise what truly matters and a wise soul to weather it all. 

the empire stood, in all its regalia and splendour; man, his foolish banter. 
one hardly knows what comes after; life, misshapes.

not angry.

you're nothing more than an empty shell... not even a pretty one.
you live in the past, expecting the world to do your bidding.
you tried so pathetically to justify that because the world is unfair, you have no reason to assume even your own responsibility, while all the time you expect everybody else to do the exact opposite of what you yourself are doing.
you jump at the first opportunity to criticise and judge, and then retreat beneath your own stack of excuses to paint a distorted self image.
i shall not despise you.
i will not get angry.

to be happy, one has to realise the meaning of love, and to find a way to cope with life that does not push love away.

therefore i pity you.


because you know neither forgiveness, nor the meaning of love.

:)

of all the faces
you were the one next to me
you can feel the light start to tremble
washing what you know out to sea

walking between the raindrops
riding the aftershock
off into the sunset
chasing the gold mines

there's a smile on my face
we're better than alright

61 days!

an aloof idealist bordering on impracticality...

give an inch, take a mile.
seventy times seven times.

reasoning differences -
choices, paths, dilemma. 

refraining from judgement,
shallow... impetuous.

refusal to fight... not without the means to.

an aloof idealist bordering on impracticality.

prologue.

609 days ago, as sure as she was about quiet guy, she proved herself wrong 274 days later.

her first conscious awareness of the sky thief... 609 days ago,
her first overpowering reminder of her own feelings 346 days later.
81 days since her efforts at trying to leave things behind... and ongoing.

first observation of the evening star 564 days ago... silence since... till perhaps today.
still, very much silent, for now.

79 days since she's begun her most recent harmless-yet-fascinating sport of orca waiting and watching... certain that nothing more will come out of it, yet with every message in the bottle, her heart never fails to give that gentle leap... still of course nothing will ever happen. how safe and comfortable this fish must have felt on this subject matter! :)

leaves

quietly, the dandelion stands.
gently, the dandelion sways.
rooted, this little sapling holds.

she wonders both day and night, when?
both day and night, when?

at last, asleep fell she,
till the sun rose her.

and came the day where the wind carried them afar,
so far away.

she felt so light.

the influence, so subtle.

she felt free.

she knew now,
she leaves.

"sometimes it’s worse for us human beings to lose something dear to us than never to have had it at all.”

wise guy.

inspired
"a leader is best when people barely know he exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say: we did it ourselves."

love  “being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

life
“knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power. if you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich.”


he must have knew, mastered and realised. lao tzu.

script write flash 1

"don't expect you to understand.
don't appreciate you being here.
don't need your unsolicited involvement.
just back off, and leave me alone.
all i want is an autistic moment.
if you didn't figure this part of me exist, its time you re-calibrate your own perspective - because maybe, you don't know me."

script-writing mode: on

fringe

share a dance with the devils, incognito.
balance precariously the snippets that kept you hanging on and those jaded moments.

take a deep breath and continue walking on this thin, fine rope.

i hope you'll survive.
i hope you'll never lose yourself.

in.significant.

"You don't even know what you don't know."

"I think of you as I would an ant colony as I pass by it. I don't care about the workings of the colony, why one ant is mad at another or why one ant would kill another or not. To me, it is insignificant. And like an ant colony, you are oblivious to your limitations. You think the black over your head is dark skies... when it is really our shoe."

"People make up explanations... assign meaning to things without knowing, because it's reassuring. It's comforting. But I can't do that... because I know too much."

fringe. one has got to love its perspectives.

something

stare right straight into the glaring light, and all you'll see is nothing
keep looking into the darkness, and all you're ever going to see is nothing, too.
 
you've got to look where the light falls, you'll see, you'll begin to see.

everything you touch surely dies

staring at the bottom of your glass
hoping one day you'll make a dream last
but dreams come slow and they go so fast
you'll see it when you close your eyes
maybe one day you'll understand why
everything you touch surely dies

maybe one day you'll understand why
everything you touch surely dies

well you see it when you fall asleep
but never to touch and never to keep
cos you loved it too much and you dive too deep

only know you love it when you let it go
and you it go
and you it go.

propensity and potential

propensity and potential.
one who impresses yet assures.
one who inspires yet possesses the spirit of humilty.
one who's after freedom, yet would not think twice giving it up for one's love.
one who's given the choice and chooses the nobler option.
one who does not...
exist.

for there's only this much one's heart can hold, and only this many one can love whole-heartedly.

human

instinct.
preservation.
the selfish gene.
immortality.

human.

"my sweet tooth never listens to my wisdom tooth."

oh wait. maybe that's because i have no more wisdom tooth left.

oops.

mr orca

a chanced, memorable encounter. 
a well-versed, engaging and enthusiastic individual.
an enjoyable and wonderful sharing.

should've at least asked for your name, however unlikely it is for us to meet again.
nonetheless, muchas gracias, mr orca! :) 
it's been a pleasure meeting you.

carpet.

"any issues?"

"nope, never had any."

"right. i forgot, should have checked your carpet instead."

"sure, be my guest."

summer is over

summer is over
yes, i guess so.

goodbye, shoes.

back when i met you,
autumn never seemed this cold before.

insensitive.

realism and a tinge of grey.
positivity may not always signify naivety, it just makes the tough things in life slightly more bearable and gives you enough strength to trudge along; why make life even more tiring than it already is?
maybe you have some advice to give on how to be insensitive.
thoughts and perceptions, who doesn't own them - they're just not shared because empathy is not a gift many own.
what's the point in adding fuel to a fire or fanning it? if i can choose, i'd rather save what i can or walk away.
see the purpose autism serves - no burns.
if i could disregard everything and react the way you did, i would. but i can't, and you'll never understand why.
so. yes, maybe you have some advice to give on how to be insensitive. i need that.

and by the way, blowing off your top is not the least bit 'cool'. it just reminds me to constantly mind every single word and action in front of you. and yes, while you have your own reserve and judgement, that doesn't mean i don't have mine.

...

daunting obligations
looming thoughts
overwhelming heaviness
rest.

last laugh.

far and few between,
hid athena's children.

fingers twirling,
fate grinned.

aphrodite's last laugh,
artemis's wild heart.

juvenility.

continue to place yourself in the centre,
pretend those things that bother you doesn't matter at all.

go on, juvenile, please.
you have every right, because the world owes you everything.

sure, be my guest.
if you think you'll be happier this way.

run.

light.

air.

shimmer.

eyes closed, she slipped back into the water.

time,
and again.

pitch black.
darkness.

no,
no light.

gasp.

mutter.

cold.

shiver.

drifts... away.

the song, from the woods.

the dandelion whispers.

you sir, yes you.

rightly charming,
the clock strikes twelve.

a refined gentleman, 
a brief exchange.

a moment shared,
an impression made.

've never met,
will never meet.

nonetheless,
rightly charming,

this one guy who rather randomly crossed my path.

dandelion and peeta.

"cos when you never see the lights it's hard to know which one of us is caving."

"I know what I need to survive isn't Gale's fire, kindled with rage and hate, but what I need is the dandelion in the spring. The promise of life instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on no matter how bad our losses. And only Peeta can give me that."
 

"real."
"always."

my depth was never meant to be grasped, only revealed.

reservations... who doesn't have them?
some flaunt them, some hide them, according to the stakes one possesses.

words and subconscious responses do not always concur - indeed.

if you can't still your heart and mind, you can't rule them.
and if you can't rule them, others will be able to read you - whether you are aware of it or not.

masking one's genuine expression with something believable is both a technique, and an art.

guarding walls come in two forms - the visible, and the invisible, silent ones.
defiance, the loud, and the quiet.
 
expectations... who honestly doesn't know it has always been easier to place them on others than to place them on yourself?

lines... who really doesn't know how to draw them? its the type of ink one chooses to draw with that matters.

at the end of the day,
the only thing you need to conquer is your own pride.
and the person you really need to learn to love is yourself.

the sooner you realise this, the earlier you are truly freed, and genuinely happy.

everyone makes choices.
some choose to pronounce them, some don't.

mine you don't really need to know, you just need to think that you knew.
that's good enough.

:)

annoyance.

take away the title,
leave no obligations.
annoyed at nothingness once again.

how can misunderstandings be so abound and prevalent.
yet, it can.

ride through the glen firing arrows into the sunset

"pretend i'm merida, speak to me."
*shrilly voice: "i don't want to get married, i want to stay single and let my hair flow in the wind as i ride through the glen firing arrows into the sunset." ~ king fergus, brave.

she wonders why a certain part of her sky is either black or white, but never grey.

because for some things in life, it either is, or it isn't -
there's just no room for the "in-betweens".

for an idealist after her own heart's keeper,
her heart knows... it's been unlocked before.

for some reason she knows not,
the three of them remained distinctly different.

the distant morning star,
the constellation,
and... a sky thief.

like.

"were you guys like friends in college and now just afraid to ruin your relationship with each other by telling the other person that you want to be more than friends, that you like-like each other?" ~ napoleon bonaparte, night at the museum 2.

decipher.

strifling theories. 

books and hidden words.
songs and unspoken words.
thoughts and silent words.

read, decipher.

winter triangle, southern cross. 

miss plain

being miss plain is a deliberate choice, and laziness, a convenient excuse.

if you're not the right one, your attention would amount to nothing, and i don't need that.
if you're the right one, you would have been able to see past the physique and realised what lies within.

we tread different paths and seek different ideals.
as such, explanations could be saved, and recognition inapplicable.

idealism beckons one to choose to be with the right one or none at all.
and an unyielding autistic fish would always swim best when she swims alone.

what you perceive is one thing,
who i am is another -
the underlying reason for plain white simplicity.

my depth is as hidden as my width is apparent,
things, you'll never know.

me, what am i.

shoes ashore.

i stared up at the sun,
thought of all of the people, places and things i’ve loved,
i stared up just to see,
of all of the faces, you were the one next to me.

you can feel the light start to tremble,
washing what you know out to sea.
you can see your life out of the window, tonight.

if i lose myself tonight, it’ll be by your side.

i woke up with the sun,
thought of all of the people, places and things i’ve loved,
i woke up just to see,
with all of the faces, you were the one next to me.

:)

... wished there had been something more.
you made me all ready to fall, except i wasn't sure if you were waiting to catch me at the other end.

shoes.ashore.

wait.

the sun is filling up the room and i can hear you dreaming.
you keep waiting to save what we have.
and i keep waiting.

was.

i built a house in the tree,
and sent you its inscriptions through the winds.

the woods they sang,
a hymn once lost.
the leaves they fell,
one by one.

is life itself not masquerading enough?
yet still must we, a part of this play?

the winding roads, many.
thus i tossed you a seashell to bring you home.

back to the shore where we first met.
so time can start for us once again.

do not forget
that i am here,
that i was there.

within. without.

leave,
leaving,
left.

fly,
flying,
flew.

wait,
waiting.

waiting
for melancholy to fill her existence to the brim.

for she would never have that twenty seconds.

there's simply too much considerations clouding her mind,
and too much things weighing on her heart,

for her to be truly free.

free.

free

f r  e   e

f   r   e   e

f                   r                                    e                                                                                      e 

sky thief and the star-less night.

... she lives in the fairy tale,
somewhere too far for us to find.
forgotten the taste and smell
of a world that she's left behind.

but it was a trick,
and the clock struck twelve.

... built up a world of magic.

if it's not real,
you can't hold it in your hand,
you can't feel it with your heart,
and i won't believe it.

but if it's true,
you can see it with your eyes.

shinning in the starlight,
and i know, you know, i don't know which way to go to lose you,
to get away from you boy.

cos i'm breaking,
and my soul is shaking like my world is quaking.
if i can't have you,
get out, get out, get out, get out of my heart.

if i can't have you,
get out, get out, get out, get out of my heart, of my heart, of my heart.
just get out, get out, get out, get out of my heart, of my heart, of my heart.

sky thief.
once more, just another day.
never important enough for you to do something more.
never able to give you the twenty seconds of insane courage.

cos it probably was... never me for you.
so close, yet such apparent distance.

and i am tired playing the game which you probably never knew existed,
never.
existed.

equality and... equity

equity and equality.
they sat on a bench one day,
and realised they would never be the same.

you chose to wait,
expecting him to take the first step towards you
simply because he is the guy.

right,
and all the while bent on the idea of equality.
perhaps, equity.

you want another who is like yourself,
who would understand,
who gives you the feeling others don't,
who can make you feel safe.
who is able to dance with you through the storms,
and who has the magic to make you believe that everything will indeed be alright.

all the while being the simple and ordinary girl you are.

sure.

keep waiting.

out. of. reach.

the more out of reach, the more you think.
the more you think, the more you dream.
the more you dream, the more you want.
the more you want, the more out of reach.

 hasn't this already been taught before?

alright then.
since neither time nor chance is on our side,
and neither of us are taking the step, i guess... that's that.

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watch your time.

wear a watch, be bound by time.
leave your watch behind, and get lost in time.

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fall

to start it off i know you know me,
to come to think of it, it was only last week
that i had a dream about us,

everytime you see me what do u see?

oh baby, you're the only thing that i really need,
baby that's why...

you make me wanna call you in the middle of the night
you make me wanna hold you till the morning light
you make me wanna love,
you make me wanna fall,
you make me wanna surrender my soul

i know this is a feeling that i just can't fight,
you're the first and last thing on my mind
you make me wanna love
you make me wanna fall,
you make me wanna surrender my soul

well i know that these feelings won't end now
they'll just get stronger if i see you again

baby i'm tired of being friends
i wanna know if you feel the same,
and could you tell me do you feel my pain?
don't leave me in doubt

nothing more.

it probably meant nothing more.
though i wish it did.
still, you didn't stay.

so its just another night...
of shooting stars, 
of floating thoughts.

a wandering mind, and, a hidden wish.

the sweetest dream

again. i dreamt of you.
this time you told me how you felt.
i was elated.
i felt myself burning.
the power of dreams.
but i forced myself to wake up and stop thinking about the impossible,
just so i can return to reality.
my sky thief, my shoes.
you make me dream.
so near, yet so far...
what do you dream about?

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good. intentions.

i've seen a lot things in life that words can't explain
see we ain't any different but we just ain't the same

they never listen when we tell 'em, tell 'em
all they understand is venom, venom

people only use you when you let 'em, let 'em
well if that's the case then i'm the one to blame

cos there's a man over board
and the tides gonna drag him down
if there's a man in the clouds
then tell me where the hell is he now

why is the silence so loud
have i thrown it all the way
let me know, let me know
tell me is that what happens just for having a good intention, tension
look what happened to my good intention, tension

why won't anybody answer my question
why is the silence so loud

i think i threw it all the way
i don't know, i don't know
but lemme know
hear me out before you label me the bad one

i'm walking through the desert but i'm drowning inside
no river runs deeper than the tear from my eye
you only went and made me bitter, bitter
i wish i wasn't such a giver, giver
apologise to my liver, liver

cos if that's the case then your the one to blame

am i wrong to think the worlds got it in for me
and am i right to say i'm longing for some sympathy
see i feel a sound, but i can't hear it
that's my heart strings getting played like a symphony

you know you turned me insane
why you staring at window when i'm the one with the pain

you know you set me off the rails
and you'll be to blame

keep on waiting... underneath the mistletoe.

i don't want a lot for christmas,
there is just one thing i need.

... i just want you for my own,
more than you could ever know.
make my wish come true,
all i want for christmas is... you.

... i won't ask for much this christmas,
i won't even wish for snow.

i'm just gonna keep on waiting,
underneath the mistletoe.
 
santa won't you bring me the one i really need,
won't you please bring my baby to me?

i don't want a lot for christmas,
this is all i'm asking for;

i just want to see my baby standing right outside my door.
i just want him for my own,
more than you could ever know.

make my wish come true,
all i want for christmas is you.

a hug from everyone else would just be warm, yet yours simply made me want to stay in there for a long long time.
felt strangely fitting and belonged.

but perhaps to you its just like any other hug you gave.

of course, you probably wouldn't know this was the way i felt.

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theft.

honestly acting weird,
strangely not keeping cool.

the sky thief once again stealthily appeared in her quiet night sky.
with a gentle and warm smile, he reached into his pocket,
a swift wave, and the stars took their places across the darkness.

shinning so brightly, they can't help but bring a smile to her face.
although she kept telling herself its a dream,
she can't help but smile.

she knew the stars weren't meant solely for her,
and she knew she would have to wake up one day.

but this night she's simply going to smile,
as much as she want.

this night, the return of the sky thief,
her sky thief.

can't stop smiling.

so happy tonight.
so so happy tonight.
makes no sense.
must be mad.
crazy fish.

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outside looking in,
inside looking out.
isn't that what all this is about.

burn.

the cost.

dare you take all the risk for a moment like that?
dare you jump?
dare you search?

will a bottleneck make you halt?

throttle to find dream and reality never sharing the same plane,
that life, as intriguing as it begins, flickers.
rise, gentle flame, and die as one.
wild fire engulfs more than what you are able to bear; so never play with it.

sure.
i'll set fire to the rain.

and maybe, just maybe, things would return to how they were.
simple.

blaze.
catch me.

again.

so. we made a grand entrance.
unspoken, my arm around yours.
perhaps this has something to do with some scenes in my recent read.
still, t'was kind of sweet.

you.
a second time.

though it was just another dream.
maybe i do miss you more than i knew?

yet, the lesser-than-a-month memory,
before you drifted abroad,
how was this to amount to anything?

still,
it probably did.

to me.

calypso.

an impetuous moment is all it takes,
for her well-concealed wall to reveal the entrance.

the only way to convince her is,
simply be absolutely more convicted than she is,
which is a daunting task itself.

a slippery fish,
so apt at slipping away.

fate, much like calypso's,
neither held nor cursed,
she lives in this non-existent island and watches the unreachable horizon,
with a sweet tinge of melancholy.

yup,
she's such a fish.

the battle of the labyrinth
(by rick riordan)

"the Fates make sure that the sort of hero they send...  they send a person who can never stay... they send me a hero i can't help... just the sort of person i can't help falling in love with."

calypso... the biggest "what if"... when eternity lasts forever.

between the rain drops

in my dream, you held my hand and we walked between the rain drops.
it felt so real i smiled.

yet, well aware of my tendency to conjure beautiful dreams which simply does not exist in real life,
i let my smile fade.

the danger of dreaming too much,
not the first time.

but for that fleeting moment,
i was really happy, in a simple and warm way.

i was swept gently away,
away by my shoes.

made. for. you.

... but these stories don't mean anything...
when you've got no one to tell them to.

i climbed across the mountaintops,
travel across the ocean blue.
i cross over lines and i broke all the rules,
and baby i broke them all for you.

you see the smile that's on my mouth,
it's hiding the words that don't come out.

.... no they don't know who i really am
and they don't know what i've been through
like you do, and i was made for you.

made. for. you.

do these lyrics mean the same to you as they do to me,
or are you just being an understanding friend... the way you are?

that night, under the pale moonlight,
have you already walked away with my heart without me realizing it?
are you that pair of shoes meant solely for me... though you've never whispered my name?

or, are you just
another. quiet. guy.?

crossroad.

moral conscience,
free will,
empathy.
bane? blessing?

ignorance,
unrestrained,
do as i please.
living life to the fullest? lost?

blessed.

marriage is a gift, so is singlehood.
for a lifetime of commitment, you need to meet the right person at the right time, and be the right person to that person.
for singles, you hold the heart of freedom in your hands, and its for you to spend wisely, love freely and offer meaningfully.

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why.

contentment mingled with simplicity,
the little crevice where emptiness lies remains.
such is the world of an autistic fish, a free-spirited but lost fish.

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i mind. yes, i do.
after all these years,
your benchmark still exists.

you.

different steps,
varied paths.
no longer belongs,
so no belonged longings.

no, no metamorphosis;
neither direction seems fair.

can't figure out the logic,
can't balance the equations,
between over-expecting and over-compromising.

thus, ideals stay.

perhaps one day,
when it becomes crystal clear that you can never be replaced,
and when you feel the same way for me too,
that's when i know it's you.

but, never will find you,
because you never will exist.

you.
you and me.

"... cos it's you and me,
and all of the people with nothing to do,
nothing to lose.
and it's you and me,
and all other people, and i don't know why,
i can't keep my eyes off of you.

i don't know where to go from here.

something about you now that i can't quite figure out.

what day is it
and in what month?
this clock never seemed so alive."

so,

"... come and walk with me
to the edge of all we've ever known.

no, i could not want you more.

i'm not sure what this going to be.

when the time comes,
baby don't run,
just kiss me slowly."

chasing wind,
desiring to own that which could never be owned,
she is after freedom.

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right.

right moment,
right words,
right person.

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predator.
prey.
arms race.

do you know what you're fighting for?
is this worth what you're dying for?

you show the lights that stop me turn to stone.
you shine it when i'm alone.

light.
you.
me.

tunnel's end.

i
don't
see
you.

some never find it, but there are some who are led.

to meet one's need, compromise.

to fulfill one's want, search.

without a need and a want,

that leaves blue wisps and faith.

"... the one thing we search for, or fight to change. some never find it. but there are some who are led."

the many sides of a little fish.

... in a distant hut, a century old soul kept her watch silently.
she carefully crafts her facade and bids her time.
and all these while,
none truly knew.
those thoughts of hers

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as certain as i was then,
i am unsure now.

something just doesn't feel right.
something just doesn't seem right.

perhaps... it was indeed the idealistic notion i was after...
a tale, as old as time.

because many speak but few listen.

because many destroy but few build.

because many want but few are willing to sacrifice.

sometimes, being silent does not mean i don't have my own thoughts and opinions.

sometimes, letting you have a larger berth does not mean i am not aware of the boundary between us.

sometimes not fighting back is a choice i made, 

not because i am unable to, 

but because i don't want to be

you.

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ripples within ripples.

your strong walls, she never ceased to notice.
yet those silent, invisible webs she wove,
you probably never even knew they existed.

like the flight feather she held in her palm,
a mystery, she carefully conceals.

her mind, the boundless sky.
she sees.
like a dandelion,
she dances.

so many of her, everywhere.
what's left of her, explorer?

if you still believe you've read her well enough,
continue thinking this way.

for its so much easier to take an apparently white piece of paper,
as a piece of white paper.

unraveling the line between the sky and the sea.

if there were only one sunrise,
who would you catch that with?
if there were only one sunset,
who would it be?

for there is only one sun,
and there is only me.

yet the horizon can be seen from everywhere,
and one's thoughts may be as far reaching as the sea.

perhaps,
as the last petal fell, so has she.

perhaps conquests,
have to be made at the right moments.

perhaps,
there's still a part of her which she has yet to learn about.

you and you,
wherein whose hands lies the thread?

bubbles in an empty tank.

blank pages... written? unwritten?

wrong pages... flip? over-read?
... scribble? close?

books and shelf,

waves and alp.

mindful rest for a sleepless mind,

for a mermaid i am not.

brave. 

when the cold wind is calling

and the sky is clear and bright

musty mountains sang and beckoned

lead me out into the light

i will ride, i will fly

chase the wind and touch the sky

i will fly

chase the wind and touch the sky

where darkness hides secrets

and mountains are fierce and bold

deep waters hold reflections

of times lost long ago

i will hear their every story

take hold of my own dream

be as strong as the seas are stormy

and proud as an eagle's scream

i will ride, i will fly

chase the wind and touch the sky

i will fly

chase the wind and touch the sky

and touch the sky

chase the wind, chase the wind

touch the sky

the last petal

the last petal danced,
dimly illuminated in the pale moonlight.
like an weightless owl feather,
she has seen the light.

by the gentle breeze it was led,
the last petal, a song it sang.
down by the river's flowing waters,
it softly lands.

the last petal, the last of the white rose.
the stalk, lone and strong.

the last petal, the white swan saw.
her tear fell as she spread her wings.

the last petal,
she now was free.

once, a treasure barsoomed,
twice, a cliff edge lingers.

interesting encounters,
and brief wonders.

steals the stale nights,
of fish, of scorpions,

yet nothing,
albeit nothing,
21 guns.

different paths,
varied steps,
somebody still misses somebody...
despite believing that there're no exceptions.
somebody.
someone.
no one.
no exceptions.
simplicity.

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maybe i know, somewhere deep in my soul
that love never lasts

... always lived like this.
... keeping a comfortable distance.
...content with loneliness.

because none of it was ever worth the risk.

... tight grip on reality
but can't let go of what's in front of me here

... leave me with some kind of proof, it's not a dream.

no exception.
though i'm believing.
no, no exception.

thought hey, could be something
'cos everything you do and words you say
takes my breath away

... maybe two is better than one
but there're no exceptions.

... so much time, to figure out the rest in my life

and i thought hey,
maybe two is better than one
but there're no exceptions.

no, no exceptions.

... cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth i could be,
thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
and you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

so i'm not moving...
i'm not moving.

all that i say i am,
yet none of which was true.
so, think what you want.
baffling chain of thoughts.

at last, so long.
goodbye,
little ideal world of fish.
she just can't seem to mend the invisible cracks fast enough.
she'll never be fast enough.

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i don't know if its me as much as its you,
an empty portal on the hill.
so still it stood.
the wind blew,
the chime chimed.

"click" i heard, twice.
silence.
i turned around,
to wipe the tears off the reindeer's face.

his eyes were deep,
so were mine.
yet nothing saved our souls.

deep down, i really don't agree.
but since you'll never care enough to truly listen,
or make it a point to try and see it from my perspective,
i guess we'll just end it at there.

i know where you are coming from,
and i understand why you think the way you think.
its just that i wished you'll try that bit harder to see it from a different point of view,
my point of view.

i don't think i will ever get what is cool about:
putting yourself at the center of the universe all the time?
putting on a strong front and be bound by your own pride?
being angry half the time and then spend the other half being annoyed with things and people around you?
thinking that you can never be wrong?
thinking that the way you live your life is the only best way?

by choosing to do whatever you want, with a couldn't-care-less and irregardless attitude, haven't you already been bought by the way of the world, got yourself stuck in the society's meaningless pursuits and living under the false impression that you still have it all under your control?

to me,
cool is when you choose to do the right and just thing.
cool is when you think of others before you think of yourself.
cool is when you know the real meaning of love and choose to love, even if that means placing the interests of the people you love above your own.

really, all of us have the same free will to do whatever we want.
but why on earth would making choices that lead to a stuck-up and self-righteous attitude be cool in any way?

because honestly, being selfish is never hard.
being selfless is.

on my mind.
right.
somehow every single thing reminds me of you today.
but this time round i will not be the one breaking the silence.
i promised myself that.
that i'll keep holding on,
to reality.
to the door so you can slip away from it.

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keep your silence.

i waited for the words that will never come,
and the promise that will never be kept.
i should never have taken your words so seriously in the first place,
or believed them altogether.

yes, i am silently losing my patience with you,
as well as my faith in you,
when i should be losing those hauntingly vivid memories of you.
 
so now i am going to try convincing myself once again,
how pointless this whole thing is,
this thing that is never going to go anywhere.

so keep your silence. maintain it.

as i hold mine.

the insistence of my unspoken rule.
pride? fear?
both.
 
they said if you can understand then that's not love.
perhaps.

proud, timid, annoyingly stubborn and thoroughly quiet,
perhaps our paths should never have crossed in the first place.

so now i don't have to try so hard.
its not your fault, i know.

its just me being me.

strangely

strangely,
before i knew it, i felt it.
perhaps a coincidence,
perhaps an unseen thread,
perhaps nothing much.
yet it doesn't matter now.
it shouldn't.

tonight i saw your constellation across the sky.
but it doesn't matter anymore.
cos you'll never know.

so many things, simply won't matter anymore.
you're gone.

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gone with the wind.

if i lay here,
if i just lay here,
would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

probably not.
you're already slipping away,
slowly fading away,
leaving it all behind.

leaving me behind.

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a lil grey,
a lil down,
a lil lost,
a lil drained.

a lil sunshine would be good,
some answers would be better,
there's no need for words,
a right hug and just having the right shoulder to lean on would be splendid.
i don't need the whole world.

just you.
whom i tried so hard to let go.

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done.
done expecting.
done hoping.

something or nothing.
things are fine like that.

in fact, perhaps things have never been not like that.

for if she is not your reason to be brave,
then you are not her reason to jump.

and she knows that she'll never find that brave dreamer.

so, from your quietness she'll ride away with the winds.
and like the washed-away shoe prints, sink into the sand.

perhaps, things have always meant to be this way.

so if this is what simplicity is, she'll take it.
she'll gladly take it.

because its all or none,
because she's fine on her own,
and because she'll always stay a dreamer for love.

you are my fire
the one desire
believe when i say
i want it that way

but we are two worlds apart
can't reach to your heart
when you say
that i want it that way

am i your fire
your one desire
yes i know it's too late
but i want it that way...

the way where you'll sing this only to me:

when the visions around you
bring tears to your eyes
and all that surrounds you
are secrets and lies

i'll be your strength
i'll give you hope
keeping your faith when it's gone
the one you should call
was standing there all along

and i will take you in my arms
and hold you right where you belong
til' the day my life is through
this i promise you
this i promise you

... i give you my word
i give you my heart
this is a battle we've won
and with this vow
forever has now begun

just close your eyes
each loving day
and know this feeling won't go away
til' the day my life is through
this i promise you
this i promise you

... every word i say is true
this i promise you,
i promise you.

man and pride.

to express your worth, you put others down.
in doing so, your ill confidence exposed.

your magnanimity towards others would have been so much more impressive.
your generosity, appreciated.

respect others and you'll gain mine.
treat others with genuine gentleness and kindness,
and you'd have won my admiration.

you can own the world,
yet any game won without respect is but pointless to me.

though i may not share my thoughts readily,
that does not mean i do not think, or that i do not see -
i just do not say.

being a fairly simple person,
i sometimes wonder how people fail to see what i see,
purposely complicate matters,
and end up making things difficult for themselves.

yet then again, if i were truly simple,
why would i even need to search for simplicity in the first place?

maybe that's why a part of me is this autistic.

perhaps, i'm indeed not as easy to understand as i'd like to think.

happiness is when you found what you lost.
joy is when what you lost found its way back home.
for the first time, i was reminded why i am where i am.
the feeling is simply... indescribable.
amazing small fella!

shoes of mine,
now so faraway,
how lucky was i,
once upon a time.

to have found you upon the shore,
that very fine day.

your thoughts, i never need to fathom
your feelings, you so generously share.
with you, it was so easy to talk about everything.
i simply can't find your guarding walls,
so it was never hard letting you in on my thoughts.

you sense how i feel through my subtle words,
i don't even need to say them out.
my heart you always managed to warm... whenever it gets a little cold.

yet neither time nor fate is on our side,
and now you're so faraway,
so faraway...

but these few days, particularly these few days,
you're often on my mind...

your openess,
your trusting self,
your simplicity,
your understanding.

you.

because. that's why.

because all you can see is my smile,
you forgot that i am not immune to sadness.

because i remind you of the shining sun,
you forgot that there are just some days with darker skies for me too.

because i listen to you all the time,
you got too used to not caring about my side of the story.

because you are you,
so i am me.

and. i. feel. like. that. sometimes.

today is one such day.

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