burn.

the cost.

dare you take all the risk for a moment like that?
dare you jump?
dare you search?

will a bottleneck make you halt?

throttle to find dream and reality never sharing the same plane,
that life, as intriguing as it begins, flickers.
rise, gentle flame, and die as one.
wild fire engulfs more than what you are able to bear; so never play with it.

sure.
i'll set fire to the rain.

and maybe, just maybe, things would return to how they were.
simple.

blaze.
catch me.

again.

so. we made a grand entrance.
unspoken, my arm around yours.
perhaps this has something to do with some scenes in my recent read.
still, t'was kind of sweet.

you.
a second time.

though it was just another dream.
maybe i do miss you more than i knew?

yet, the lesser-than-a-month memory,
before you drifted abroad,
how was this to amount to anything?

still,
it probably did.

to me.

calypso.

an impetuous moment is all it takes,
for her well-concealed wall to reveal the entrance.

the only way to convince her is,
simply be absolutely more convicted than she is,
which is a daunting task itself.

a slippery fish,
so apt at slipping away.

fate, much like calypso's,
neither held nor cursed,
she lives in this non-existent island and watches the unreachable horizon,
with a sweet tinge of melancholy.

yup,
she's such a fish.

the battle of the labyrinth
(by rick riordan)

"the Fates make sure that the sort of hero they send...  they send a person who can never stay... they send me a hero i can't help... just the sort of person i can't help falling in love with."

calypso... the biggest "what if"... when eternity lasts forever.

between the rain drops

in my dream, you held my hand and we walked between the rain drops.
it felt so real i smiled.

yet, well aware of my tendency to conjure beautiful dreams which simply does not exist in real life,
i let my smile fade.

the danger of dreaming too much,
not the first time.

but for that fleeting moment,
i was really happy, in a simple and warm way.

i was swept gently away,
away by my shoes.

made. for. you.

... but these stories don't mean anything...
when you've got no one to tell them to.

i climbed across the mountaintops,
travel across the ocean blue.
i cross over lines and i broke all the rules,
and baby i broke them all for you.

you see the smile that's on my mouth,
it's hiding the words that don't come out.

.... no they don't know who i really am
and they don't know what i've been through
like you do, and i was made for you.

made. for. you.

do these lyrics mean the same to you as they do to me,
or are you just being an understanding friend... the way you are?

that night, under the pale moonlight,
have you already walked away with my heart without me realizing it?
are you that pair of shoes meant solely for me... though you've never whispered my name?

or, are you just
another. quiet. guy.?

crossroad.

moral conscience,
free will,
empathy.
bane? blessing?

ignorance,
unrestrained,
do as i please.
living life to the fullest? lost?

blessed.

marriage is a gift, so is singlehood.
for a lifetime of commitment, you need to meet the right person at the right time, and be the right person to that person.
for singles, you hold the heart of freedom in your hands, and its for you to spend wisely, love freely and offer meaningfully.

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why.

contentment mingled with simplicity,
the little crevice where emptiness lies remains.
such is the world of an autistic fish, a free-spirited but lost fish.

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i mind. yes, i do.
after all these years,
your benchmark still exists.

you.

different steps,
varied paths.
no longer belongs,
so no belonged longings.

no, no metamorphosis;
neither direction seems fair.

can't figure out the logic,
can't balance the equations,
between over-expecting and over-compromising.

thus, ideals stay.

perhaps one day,
when it becomes crystal clear that you can never be replaced,
and when you feel the same way for me too,
that's when i know it's you.

but, never will find you,
because you never will exist.

you.
you and me.

"... cos it's you and me,
and all of the people with nothing to do,
nothing to lose.
and it's you and me,
and all other people, and i don't know why,
i can't keep my eyes off of you.

i don't know where to go from here.

something about you now that i can't quite figure out.

what day is it
and in what month?
this clock never seemed so alive."

so,

"... come and walk with me
to the edge of all we've ever known.

no, i could not want you more.

i'm not sure what this going to be.

when the time comes,
baby don't run,
just kiss me slowly."

chasing wind,
desiring to own that which could never be owned,
she is after freedom.

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right.

right moment,
right words,
right person.

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predator.
prey.
arms race.

do you know what you're fighting for?
is this worth what you're dying for?

you show the lights that stop me turn to stone.
you shine it when i'm alone.

light.
you.
me.

tunnel's end.

i
don't
see
you.

some never find it, but there are some who are led.

to meet one's need, compromise.

to fulfill one's want, search.

without a need and a want,

that leaves blue wisps and faith.

"... the one thing we search for, or fight to change. some never find it. but there are some who are led."

the many sides of a little fish.

... in a distant hut, a century old soul kept her watch silently.
she carefully crafts her facade and bids her time.
and all these while,
none truly knew.
those thoughts of hers

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as certain as i was then,
i am unsure now.

something just doesn't feel right.
something just doesn't seem right.

perhaps... it was indeed the idealistic notion i was after...
a tale, as old as time.

because many speak but few listen.

because many destroy but few build.

because many want but few are willing to sacrifice.

sometimes, being silent does not mean i don't have my own thoughts and opinions.

sometimes, letting you have a larger berth does not mean i am not aware of the boundary between us.

sometimes not fighting back is a choice i made, 

not because i am unable to, 

but because i don't want to be

you.

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ripples within ripples.

your strong walls, she never ceased to notice.
yet those silent, invisible webs she wove,
you probably never even knew they existed.

like the flight feather she held in her palm,
a mystery, she carefully conceals.

her mind, the boundless sky.
she sees.
like a dandelion,
she dances.

so many of her, everywhere.
what's left of her, explorer?

if you still believe you've read her well enough,
continue thinking this way.

for its so much easier to take an apparently white piece of paper,
as a piece of white paper.

unraveling the line between the sky and the sea.

if there were only one sunrise,
who would you catch that with?
if there were only one sunset,
who would it be?

for there is only one sun,
and there is only me.

yet the horizon can be seen from everywhere,
and one's thoughts may be as far reaching as the sea.

perhaps,
as the last petal fell, so has she.

perhaps conquests,
have to be made at the right moments.

perhaps,
there's still a part of her which she has yet to learn about.

you and you,
wherein whose hands lies the thread?

bubbles in an empty tank.

blank pages... written? unwritten?

wrong pages... flip? over-read?
... scribble? close?

books and shelf,

waves and alp.

mindful rest for a sleepless mind,

for a mermaid i am not.

brave. 

when the cold wind is calling

and the sky is clear and bright

musty mountains sang and beckoned

lead me out into the light

i will ride, i will fly

chase the wind and touch the sky

i will fly

chase the wind and touch the sky

where darkness hides secrets

and mountains are fierce and bold

deep waters hold reflections

of times lost long ago

i will hear their every story

take hold of my own dream

be as strong as the seas are stormy

and proud as an eagle's scream

i will ride, i will fly

chase the wind and touch the sky

i will fly

chase the wind and touch the sky

and touch the sky

chase the wind, chase the wind

touch the sky

the last petal

the last petal danced,
dimly illuminated in the pale moonlight.
like an weightless owl feather,
she has seen the light.

by the gentle breeze it was led,
the last petal, a song it sang.
down by the river's flowing waters,
it softly lands.

the last petal, the last of the white rose.
the stalk, lone and strong.

the last petal, the white swan saw.
her tear fell as she spread her wings.

the last petal,
she now was free.

once, a treasure barsoomed,
twice, a cliff edge lingers.

interesting encounters,
and brief wonders.

steals the stale nights,
of fish, of scorpions,

yet nothing,
albeit nothing,
21 guns.

different paths,
varied steps,
somebody still misses somebody...
despite believing that there're no exceptions.
somebody.
someone.
no one.
no exceptions.
simplicity.

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maybe i know, somewhere deep in my soul
that love never lasts

... always lived like this.
... keeping a comfortable distance.
...content with loneliness.

because none of it was ever worth the risk.

... tight grip on reality
but can't let go of what's in front of me here

... leave me with some kind of proof, it's not a dream.

no exception.
though i'm believing.
no, no exception.

thought hey, could be something
'cos everything you do and words you say
takes my breath away

... maybe two is better than one
but there're no exceptions.

... so much time, to figure out the rest in my life

and i thought hey,
maybe two is better than one
but there're no exceptions.

no, no exceptions.

... cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth i could be,
thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
and you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

so i'm not moving...
i'm not moving.

all that i say i am,
yet none of which was true.
so, think what you want.
baffling chain of thoughts.

at last, so long.
goodbye,
little ideal world of fish.
she just can't seem to mend the invisible cracks fast enough.
she'll never be fast enough.

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i don't know if its me as much as its you,
an empty portal on the hill.
so still it stood.
the wind blew,
the chime chimed.

"click" i heard, twice.
silence.
i turned around,
to wipe the tears off the reindeer's face.

his eyes were deep,
so were mine.
yet nothing saved our souls.

deep down, i really don't agree.
but since you'll never care enough to truly listen,
or make it a point to try and see it from my perspective,
i guess we'll just end it at there.

i know where you are coming from,
and i understand why you think the way you think.
its just that i wished you'll try that bit harder to see it from a different point of view,
my point of view.

i don't think i will ever get what is cool about:
putting yourself at the center of the universe all the time?
putting on a strong front and be bound by your own pride?
being angry half the time and then spend the other half being annoyed with things and people around you?
thinking that you can never be wrong?
thinking that the way you live your life is the only best way?

by choosing to do whatever you want, with a couldn't-care-less and irregardless attitude, haven't you already been bought by the way of the world, got yourself stuck in the society's meaningless pursuits and living under the false impression that you still have it all under your control?

to me,
cool is when you choose to do the right and just thing.
cool is when you think of others before you think of yourself.
cool is when you know the real meaning of love and choose to love, even if that means placing the interests of the people you love above your own.

really, all of us have the same free will to do whatever we want.
but why on earth would making choices that lead to a stuck-up and self-righteous attitude be cool in any way?

because honestly, being selfish is never hard.
being selfless is.

on my mind.
right.
somehow every single thing reminds me of you today.
but this time round i will not be the one breaking the silence.
i promised myself that.
that i'll keep holding on,
to reality.
to the door so you can slip away from it.

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keep your silence.

i waited for the words that will never come,
and the promise that will never be kept.
i should never have taken your words so seriously in the first place,
or believed them altogether.

yes, i am silently losing my patience with you,
as well as my faith in you,
when i should be losing those hauntingly vivid memories of you.
 
so now i am going to try convincing myself once again,
how pointless this whole thing is,
this thing that is never going to go anywhere.

so keep your silence. maintain it.

as i hold mine.

the insistence of my unspoken rule.
pride? fear?
both.
 
they said if you can understand then that's not love.
perhaps.

proud, timid, annoyingly stubborn and thoroughly quiet,
perhaps our paths should never have crossed in the first place.

so now i don't have to try so hard.
its not your fault, i know.

its just me being me.

strangely

strangely,
before i knew it, i felt it.
perhaps a coincidence,
perhaps an unseen thread,
perhaps nothing much.
yet it doesn't matter now.
it shouldn't.

tonight i saw your constellation across the sky.
but it doesn't matter anymore.
cos you'll never know.

so many things, simply won't matter anymore.
you're gone.

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gone with the wind.

if i lay here,
if i just lay here,
would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

probably not.
you're already slipping away,
slowly fading away,
leaving it all behind.

leaving me behind.

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a lil grey,
a lil down,
a lil lost,
a lil drained.

a lil sunshine would be good,
some answers would be better,
there's no need for words,
a right hug and just having the right shoulder to lean on would be splendid.
i don't need the whole world.

just you.
whom i tried so hard to let go.

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done.
done expecting.
done hoping.

something or nothing.
things are fine like that.

in fact, perhaps things have never been not like that.

for if she is not your reason to be brave,
then you are not her reason to jump.

and she knows that she'll never find that brave dreamer.

so, from your quietness she'll ride away with the winds.
and like the washed-away shoe prints, sink into the sand.

perhaps, things have always meant to be this way.

so if this is what simplicity is, she'll take it.
she'll gladly take it.

because its all or none,
because she's fine on her own,
and because she'll always stay a dreamer for love.

you are my fire
the one desire
believe when i say
i want it that way

but we are two worlds apart
can't reach to your heart
when you say
that i want it that way

am i your fire
your one desire
yes i know it's too late
but i want it that way...

the way where you'll sing this only to me:

when the visions around you
bring tears to your eyes
and all that surrounds you
are secrets and lies

i'll be your strength
i'll give you hope
keeping your faith when it's gone
the one you should call
was standing there all along

and i will take you in my arms
and hold you right where you belong
til' the day my life is through
this i promise you
this i promise you

... i give you my word
i give you my heart
this is a battle we've won
and with this vow
forever has now begun

just close your eyes
each loving day
and know this feeling won't go away
til' the day my life is through
this i promise you
this i promise you

... every word i say is true
this i promise you,
i promise you.

man and pride.

to express your worth, you put others down.
in doing so, your ill confidence exposed.

your magnanimity towards others would have been so much more impressive.
your generosity, appreciated.

respect others and you'll gain mine.
treat others with genuine gentleness and kindness,
and you'd have won my admiration.

you can own the world,
yet any game won without respect is but pointless to me.

though i may not share my thoughts readily,
that does not mean i do not think, or that i do not see -
i just do not say.

being a fairly simple person,
i sometimes wonder how people fail to see what i see,
purposely complicate matters,
and end up making things difficult for themselves.

yet then again, if i were truly simple,
why would i even need to search for simplicity in the first place?

maybe that's why a part of me is this autistic.

perhaps, i'm indeed not as easy to understand as i'd like to think.

happiness is when you found what you lost.
joy is when what you lost found its way back home.
for the first time, i was reminded why i am where i am.
the feeling is simply... indescribable.
amazing small fella!

shoes of mine,
now so faraway,
how lucky was i,
once upon a time.

to have found you upon the shore,
that very fine day.

your thoughts, i never need to fathom
your feelings, you so generously share.
with you, it was so easy to talk about everything.
i simply can't find your guarding walls,
so it was never hard letting you in on my thoughts.

you sense how i feel through my subtle words,
i don't even need to say them out.
my heart you always managed to warm... whenever it gets a little cold.

yet neither time nor fate is on our side,
and now you're so faraway,
so faraway...

but these few days, particularly these few days,
you're often on my mind...

your openess,
your trusting self,
your simplicity,
your understanding.

you.

because. that's why.

because all you can see is my smile,
you forgot that i am not immune to sadness.

because i remind you of the shining sun,
you forgot that there are just some days with darker skies for me too.

because i listen to you all the time,
you got too used to not caring about my side of the story.

because you are you,
so i am me.

and. i. feel. like. that. sometimes.

today is one such day.

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shouldn't be a good in goodbye.

jason walker

after the silence, after the last words.

caught in the silence,  

caught in between.

after the madness,

after the slow shock,

before the wave hits,

the flood comes rushing in.

this is the bad before the worse,

this is the storm before the storm,

i haven't even hit the bottom of this ocean floor.

this is the bend before the break,

this is the mercy not the grace,

this is the proof and not the faith i try to find.

there shouldn't be a good in goodbye.

... if i never had you,

i know that i'd... i still would have mourned you.

i would have missed your smile.

if it wasn't so worth it, this wouldn't be...

the bad before the worse,

the storm before the storm,

i haven't even hit the bottom of this ocean floor.

this is the bend before the break,

this is the mercy not the grace,

this is the proof and not the faith i try to find.

there shouldn't be a good in goodbye.

i know this is gonna get better,

i know this is gonna get better,

i know.

this is the bitter not the sweet,

this is the take and not the keep,

and i haven't even reached the bottom of this ocean floor.

this is the bend before the break,

this is the mercy not the grace,

this is the proof and not the faith i try to find.

there shouldn't be a good in goodbye.

avenues simply doesn't matter anymore.
too tired, for anything else to be said at this juncture...
never been heard, not seeing the point,
you whispered to the wind, eyes closed.

the route ahead had always been clear,
yet before you realised,
your one foot was already in this rabbit hole far too long.

the final straw of anger mingled with hurt,
drained the last bit of your breath, and apathy caves in,

now the final thing you left behind -
your defiant shout coupled with the calm silence.

you finally turned, and walked away.

you finally left it all behind.

without glancing back,
your back view wasn't even in sight.

yet how you loved them i will always remember.
those were the only times i found you letting down your guard,
for human beings are indeed too scary to not guard against.
i understand, i really do.

just wished for time to be more on my side so i could be that inch closer to your heart,
so i'd know if this was really what you felt.

but i'd never know.
so i could only guess.

one day i may be finally let in,
if you still remember your promise.

or, one day i just might finally find out
what it feels like... to be you.

one day.

today you brought me sadness,
yet i am happy for you.

just need a little time to cover up this space
you've accidentally created in my heart,

yet it just might never be completely filled.

one. thing.
one direction

... i can't ever be brave
cos you make my heart race
shot me out of the sky
you're my kryptonite
you keep making me weak
yeah, frozen and can't breathe

some things gotta give now
cos i'm dying just to make you see
that i need you here with me now
cos you've got that one thing

so get out, get out, get out of my head
and fall into my arms instead
i don't, i don't, don't know what it is
but i need that one thing
and you've got that one thing

now i'm climbing the walls
but you don't notice at all
that i'm going out of my mind
all day and all night

so get out, get out, get out of my mind
and come on, come into my life
i don't, i don't, don't know what it is
but i need that one thing
and you've got that one thing

you've got that one thing

you're missing it.
jason walker

it's cold again and i do not know what to do
i need a friend,
but all i really want is you.

where have you been?
i haven't seen you for so long,
i guess you're gone,
you're really gone.

... what do you know
things have changed so suddenly...

here i am.
i am moving on without you,
without you.

now the years have passed us by,
and i still do not know why.

before you tried,
you chose to quit.

so where are you tonight?
you could make it all alright,
but instead you're missing it,
you're missing it.

you're missing it,
all the things that i have done.
you're missing it,
everything i have become.

there'll be a day when you wish you could go back,
when your mistakes will catch up with where you're at.
before you know all your chances will be gone,
they will be gone.

i. feel. like. that.
jason walker

... i tried to write
the perfect song
but every time i do
i feel like it just comes out wrong
i've tried to find the perfect words
i'm still looking for
the ones that you deserve

and i don't know if i will ever find
the perfect way to tell you, why
when every time i try...

... cos every moment meant so much
i couldn't let it pass
i'm right back where i first stood...

... and you know
i've never looked back
and every time i try to tell you how i feel
i feel like that

i feel like that.

it's hard to give
when i'm still fallin'
but i haven't hit the ground
but i hope
you can understand
i'm only trying to say
in the best way that i can

and i don't think
that i will ever find the perfect way to tell you,
why.

cry.
jason walker

... holding on just don't make sense
but the hardest part of letting go
is tryin' to find a way
to let you know

so we'll just cry, cry
on each other's shoulders
cry until it's over

can't it just be over
and we'll just cry, cry
cry until it's all gone

been holding on for too long
time for us to move on
i'm tired of tryin' to find a reason why
so let's just cry

i'm tired of tryin' to find a reason why
i'm tired of tryin' to find a reason why
i'm tired of tryin' to find a reason why

so let's just cry.

.seven years.
by norah jones

... eyes wide open,
always hoping for the sun.
and she'll sing her song to anyone
that comes along.

fragile as a leaf in autumn,
just fallin' to the ground,
without a sound.

crooked little smile on her face,
tells a tale of grace
that's all her own...

why can't i

why can't i just be around you without being so aware of the rest?

can you even see that i wish to spend more time by your side but somehow people just cross my path literally?
why can't our paths cross in a more intricate and timely manner?

truth is, why can't i just be braver?
i don't even think you can tell its only you i want.

as much as i'd like to see you around,
even if its for that few minutes,
to know you're here at where i am though we may not meet,

yet if being where we are does not bring you happiness,
then i'd rather you leave and find a place where you'd truly be happy, or at least that bit happier,
even if this means we may never cross paths.

i guess fate has teased me once again,
like she's done before.

perhaps i am truly irresistible to tease... even by fate.

or maybe its just the melancholic streak in me.

but i truly wish you'll be happy, wherever you are.

... a tiny crevice into you.
a pleasant, surprise find.
don't know how this may go,
but i like where we've been.

i like. today,
because of you.
the finally not-so-quiet you.

:)

because you came.

:)

today felt a little different,

almost a little special.

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times when you confused me once more.
sensing more than i should?
you! seriously!

it must have been your usual 'calm and serious' persona...
therefore you always manages to surprise me just by being
that teeny little bit cheekier...
that teeny little bit more hyper...
that teeny little bit less dark and more cheery...
that teeny little bit in the 'doing-something-silly' (in a somewhat rather cute manner) mode.

i smiled, though our eyes did not meet - dared not,
well-aware that my force shield is not strong enough.
... so you probably wouldn't know i was kind of happy to meet you again.

no doubt, you merely reacted a little more strongly than your usual rather quiet self.
but i know, i am truly irresistible to tease,
even by the seriously most serious person on earth. (fine, a little exaggeration here.)

still, your puzzling reactions...
your 'jokingly' approach, put down all your stuff, appeared shocked, turn, walk away and suddenly come back with a somewhat bubbly teasing self when you saw me.

yeah. what? again? again.
you are genuinely funny,
so funny i wanted to laugh, a concoction of the 'kind-of-happy-to-see-you-again' with a little of the 'err.. -_-" so, this is the way you welcome me back?'.

and so,
since you're so funny that i don't know what to make of you,
i therefore decide, at this point in time, to give a loud dramatic sigh,
before concluding once more - its just you having fun teasing me. again.

yes. so, and nothing more.
you, strange you.

you, who somehow just manages to bring me that smile others can't.
irritating you.
seriously.

wildebeest and the rain

like a wildebeest seeking the scent of rain,
a wanderer, his sojourn,
i traced your unseen footsteps.

stealing a peek from the crevice between the rocks,
i saw that drop of tear from eons ago,
heart of a man who once was lost.

i woke, so i'd never be found.
this sense of freedom i now hold,
meant solely for the brave dreamer i'll never find.

ses-see-lee-ə, ses-see-lee-ə,

sight of our soul, blindness of self.

ah ~ faith. unseen.

go ahead, analyse the life lived,
postulate the life unlived; and find,
at the end of it all,
yourself clueless.

to know the right one, trust your heart.
for no matter how hard one tries,
love remains something of a spark.

yet sparks only last this long.

because nothing is fixed,
you can define it to be anything.
and because you can define it as anything,
nothing is correct and nothing is wrong.

a full time dreamer and philosopher,
ah! but why is this title unpaid?
chided, laughed at, puzzled over,
perhaps bringing a stifling remembrance -
yet worth nothing more.

a glimpse of that ever-elusive, slippery fish?
as difficult as you are to be unraveled,
you'll soon realised you can't even begin to find that iceberg tip of hers,
in this little deep ocean.
she doesn't even need to try hiding.

to be lost.
and, never to be found.

"His broad clear brow in sunlight glow'd;
On burnish'd hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow'd
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
He flash'd into the crystal mirror,
"Tirra lirra," by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces thro' the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She look'd down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack'd from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
The Lady of Shalott. ..."

dear lady of shalott,
but why had you turn?
why this foolish dream?
why had you a mirror?

tirra lirra. tirra lirra.

bury you in satin,
lay you down on a bed of roses?
sink you in the river at dawn,
send you away with the words of a love song?
sharp knife of a short life.

the ballad of a dove,
go with peace and love,
gather up your tears.

i see you. smile.

i see your smile.
there can be a hundred reasons.
i just wished i was that one.
you're moving so slowly,
if you're moving at all.
i'm tired of waiting,
but can do nothing more.
perhaps we're both unsure,
or perhaps i got it wrong.
but your minuscule actions -
they get me killed.
you're here, there,
you're everywhere.
gets on my nerves sometimes.
yet perhaps tis' just an excuse for my melancholic indulgence, which makes me feel alive.

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with every second that passed, fish becomes less certain of the intensity of those feelings she's felt since.
this slipping away, be good or bad?
perhaps neither.
for if something is real, it never really goes away.
yet if something is dreamt, it can never be taken away.

"after the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box."
the passing kings and the interesting pawns fish swam across in the chess game settings of her life -
they never lasted long.
neither queen nor pawns would she be,
just an ordinary on-looker, a passer-by.
stop, stare, think and maybe be amazed for a while -
catch her while she's deep in thoughts,
right before she snaps out and glides away.

hopes and dreams that never hurt,

so transient, so desirable.
perhaps in spite of the strength and intensity of the emotions she felt,
her deep want for zen-ity and control of self would never allow her reins to be let go of fully.

for beneath the crashing waves lies a locked-away heart so still,
she sometimes wonder and fear if its actually still beating.

swimming away,
never looking back.

set in stone,
i'm fighting till the end.

i ain't giving in,
cos this is deep enough.

its a want, not a need.
the want to stop wanting -

you. in my life.

you, the mighty and outstanding you.
the one who held the unseen strings to my heart, without you even knowing.

you, the one who's too dangerous for me.

you, the one who got away.

so you, may continue to remain where you stand.
i am strong enough to turn and walk away.

all too gracefully, the episodes play on,
in my cluttered mind.

and the little story goes on
in my simple life.

without you in it.

this quote pretty much just summed up everything.

"meeting you was fate,
becoming your friend was a choice,
but falling in love with you, i had no control over."

little fish, little fish.

true love and fish's little philosphical mind.

limerence, infatuation, passion and true love -
the former three a prerequisite to the latter,
whilst not necessarily leading to it.

so one wonders, just how would one know?
hence the answer, only time would tell.
then one asks, when?
when the time line for the two involved crosses at some point in time,
by chance, by fate, by events, by time,
causing one to take the first step, before the other one moves on.

yet, in the case of real, predestined true love (assuming it exists in the first place of course),
would one simply go on waiting forever once one met the one for him or her?
if there is only one 'only one', who must be the right one,
then can there be more than one potential 'right ones'?

is there only the right and only one?
perhaps fish would never know.

the third perspective, the one fish holds.
the other world, the one fish lives and swims in.
and only that few will ever reach her…

why fish are prone to injury and getting hurt simply by being themselves.

1. they exist emotionally rather than rationally, instinctively more than intellectually. (what a self-destructive trait to begin with.)

2. being the sign of altruism and compassion, they are ultra-sensitive to the needs of other people and are sincerely more concerned with the problems of others rather than their own. in fact, when they see someone suffering, they identify with it so closely, it feels as if it is happening to them, making it impossible for them to say no to anyone in trouble. never egotistical in their personal relationships and give more than they ask for from their friends. extremely accepting and forgiving, they are often being taken advantage of. few signs would be as willing to forgo personal pleasure on behalf of another. yet all this giving can wear out a pisces over time and sometimes they simply don't know how to stop giving. (yes. sadly, yes. why? how come? how to stop giving? how? when you keep feeling for the others, who would never feel the same way for you when you need them to understand. why?)

3. they are popular with all kinds of people, partly because of their easy going and affectionate nature which offer no threat or challenge to the stronger or more outgoing types. accepting of the people around them and the circumstances in which they find themselves in rather than trying to change others. (why does it sound as if i’m simply paving a red carpet on myself and inviting people to step on and all over me? how not to want to hide under a banana leaf and get away from it all? haix.)

4. they do not like to be confined; especially when feeling vulnerable, therefore one of the best healing tonics for them generally is just being alone and escaping the day-to-day stress grind. (YES!!! YES!! by the sea. by the waters, by herself. ALONE!!! YES, ALONE!!! now you see why. just her and her alone, or with people who really, can see from her eyes, understand her, and support her, and not anyone or any random friend, really!)

5. they can be easily discouraged, feel despondent and unappreciated, causing them to move on to something or someone else, and always searching for that safe harbor they can call home. (yes. safe, calm and peaceful waters where fish feels protected… fish would not ask for anything more.)

6. they have trouble staying grounded in the material, physical reality because their minds are usually in the clouds. many of them are definitely escapists, but it is their secret weapon in this harsh world - they need to create their own reality when life gets too hard to take on, by losing themselves in a good book or movie. (yes, the only way out is simply deluding ourselves with the existence of another ideal world, somewhere where only we know the way to.)

7. when under stress, all they want to do is hide, hoping reality will disappear or magically mend itself. the last thing they need - major obligations and responsibilities to others. (cannot be more apt, and cannot get more true. but people simply won't get this on their own and fish simply cannot bring herself to tell them. see how crappy this thing can get for this fish over here.)

8. having two fish swimming in opposite directions - one upstream to the divine and the other downstream towards the material and physical, but bound together by a cord - the dilemma, one of the stormy seas for pisces, who are all too aware of both directions but are slightly more comfortable in the spiritual/creative realm than in the physical one. each time a decision comes up, all twelve avenues of expression must be considered for the pisces, which can be a very, overwhelming dilemma indeed. (preceisely. just exactly how should one decide if she can see the big picture and the stories from all the different sides?)

9. being a deeply philosophical sign, money does not motivate them as much as self-expression and creativity does. almost always have large and beautiful eyes which mirror their feelings openly. their doorway to the soul - who better to have eyes so deep and wide that looking into them makes one feels as if one could be be hypnotized by them? (hmm. yes to mirror-ing feelings openly, no to the mystical hypnotizing powers leh.)

10. they are incurable romantics period. in the right relationship, this can be a fairy tale union and in a wrong one, a nightmare because they can’t let go immediately. unfortunately easily misled by the fantasy of romantic love and then later become disappointed by the reality of an everyday, unromantic relationship. yet intensely loyal and home-loving and will remain faithful. emotionally, pisces like to hold and comfort others and to be a container for others as much as they are looking to merge and be contained by their soul mate. they believe in soul mate, and will never give up their search... (seriously, what are the odds? see, again this is going to be pain, pain and more pain.)

11. they are capable of loving and accepting totally and unconditionally, until others prove them wrong, and even that won’t convince them right away. “i believe.”. if ever there was a sign to dream the impossible dream, it's pisces! show the other signs how it's done! (haha. yes. can simply be done in another world, or with some difficulty in this world… if we somehow manage to survive with the load of things on our plates.)

the unconventionality of mixed signals.
yet fish's made the choice to trust her intuition.
hence with every moment of nothing happening,
her heart stills and drifts further away.

soon, it shall cease to matter.

for indeed nothing but time, is everything.
once the spark of the moment is gone, it is simply, gone.
as much as she enjoys undertaking long, meaningful journeys,
the wait before the beginning wears her spirits down.

hence, her sojourn,
the need to catch her before she slips away.
yet slowly but surely, she is gaining her rein back.
this much she can feel for now.

the very moment she sets her heart and mind on swimming away from it all,
this quiet and calm strength she's gained,
from the promise of never looking back -
she liked that,
the sense of simplicity and freedom.

soon, return it shall.
very.

possibility... by tiffany alvord
comments... by me.

i look at you, you look at me (but you probably look at everyone anyways.)
i look away, so you can't see
i'm dreamin of you
and you don't even know, you don't even know (i think)

that i'm fallin madly in love ('falling madly for' maybe, 'love' still a bit too intensed lah huh.)
with you, with you
and i wish that you were going
crazy for me too (which i highly doubt so.)

and i sit alone in the darkest night
my heart is pounding and i wonder why (i know why, i just don't know how it all began.)
why am i invisible, why can't you see (ok i am not invisible and you are not physically blind, so of course you'll see... just in a different way.)
i am in love with you (too intense lah, i don't even know anything about you apart from you being unreadable and a pro hider.)
are you in love with me? (don't think so.)

you show some signs, but i'm not sure (i don't even think you meant them as signs...)
it's a secret love, and you're the cure (cure. hmm. but there's also the possibility of falling even more ill...)
i just need to know
what you think about me, about me (more like a want to know. but not gonna happen.)

don't you think that maybe you and me
could be a possibility (well, if the term 'miracle' exists, there must be some possibility. then again the word 'impossibility' exists too. hmm...)
i just wish that baby you could see, you could see (actually don't exactly know what's there to see basically. haha)

need some air,
need to fight this moonlight.
don't want to lose,
don't want to fall in.
trying hard to steer clear.
don't want to be at your mercy.

its not supposed to be like this.
like how you manage to make me feel.
like how you creep into my mind,
and appear in my thoughts so silently and randomly.
like how you brighten up my world just by being near.

but just how can i dim those lights?
if i close my eyes and turn away,
my mind wanders back.
and each time we cross each others' paths,
i'll have to do this all over again.

its tiring trying to breakaway,
its tiring staying stuck.
its a losing game of squash either way.
so how on earth did i enrol myself in this mess in the first place?

need to swim away.
need to swim away from you.
from this desirable,irresistable and distant you.
this you whom i simply can never reach.

because 'unreachability' is detrimental for a fish,
who seeks peaceful, calm and safe waters,
who seeks simple happiness,
who seeks the one who would feel the same way for her.

medley medley

and in another life I would be your girl
we keep all our promises, be us against the world
and in another life I would make you stay
so I don't have to say you were the one that got away
the one that got away...

tell me what you want to hear
something that will light those ears
i'm sick of all the insincere

this time,
don't need another perfect lie
don't care if critics ever jump in line

i'm gonna give all my secrets away...

if you want to hear.

while she may be intrigued by mysteries and secrets,
while they may capture her attention and thoughts a moment longer,
only genuine openess, trust and understanding from you are capable of holding her for life.

see past her easily excitable self, to find her deep desire for sharing your thoughts, your world, your life.
stand by her well of overwhelming emotions ~ pour your heart out to her.
and then be ready to see her depth prepared for the soul she's been waiting the whole eternity for.

you.

resolved to keeping the promise to herself silently,
she marched on with much firmity.
the waters calmed,
as long as he's not anywhere near her,

things were unbelievably simpler and easier,
when he's not anywhere near her.

and, it just might help a little more,
if he would stop calling her names whenever he sees her,
if he would tease her less,
if he would look less deep into her eyes during each brief chat they shared.

but, as long as she remembers to remind herself that,
he will always be shrouded in mystery,
remains unreachable,
and that his heart lies elsewhere,
things would be fine, and the waters, calm.

for she is an ardent believer of the philosophistic idea that,
in order for two hearts to truly bond,
both parties would have to take the same number of steps towards each other,
at the same time, under all circumstances.
not one more than the other, not in opposing directions.

and while she acknowledges her lack of patience for those
who tries too hard to keep their guarding wall high,
horoscope trait or not.
she'd have knocked once or twice, gently, before walking away.

she refuses to wait outside - she's never enjoyed playing the role of an unwelcomed intruder.

on another note - one that you'd probably never stumble upon,
you should learn to trust her,
and reveal yourself to her -
if you truly are waiting for or trying to find that somebody in your song.

you have to help the one who now holds your heart be that somebody whom you seek,
for that somebody is never ready-made.

and for this, you'll have to pass her the key to your heart - there is no other way.

one day.

one day i will,

one day i shall.

till then, i'll wait.

one day, far far away,

i shall find you.

you will see.

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complaint of a hurt angry fish.

one of those days when fish decides to finish her piece in silence. perhaps it was truly her own fault for wanting to know. but if this was a huge part of her, what could she have done instead? does that give anyone the right to not let her know just because it was fun to watch her responses? fish would never want others to be in the same situation as her, so she would always choose to reveal if that person truly wants to know. perhaps that's why fish is so angry. this is why fish should just keep quiet and be a silent fish starting now. then others will find this no longer fun. perhaps its simply time for her to learn to not want to know. angry fish for today.

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quiet guy's song.
(who wouldn't want somebody like this anyways.)

I want somebody to share, share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts, know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side and give me support
And in return she'll get my support

She will listen to me when I want to speak
About the world we live in and life in general

Though my views may be wrong, they may even be perverted
She'll hear me out, and won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking in fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all she will understand me

I want somebody who cares for me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things in a different light
All the things I detest I will almost like

I don't want to be tied to anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things
But when I'm asleep I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me, kiss me tenderly

Though things like this make me sick
In a case like this I'll get away with it

ok. time for fish to break off this cycle.
she needs to get out of this trench.
soon.

deep-seated sorrow, perhaps not?
bittersweet melancholy - its always been so.
when she loses her steering wheel,
so wrong. so right. so what's left?

both so overly independent,
both so used to doing things on their own.
both so skilled at concealment.

she knows not why or how,
she simply knows she misses him,
and her heart softly ached thinking of the time she could have spent beside him.

but as usual, nobody knew how much she really liked him.
that all her thoughts of him were a little short of tormenting.

deep beneath her nonchalance and calmess,
lies the silent wish that he would rush to her side,
that he would hold her hand and asks her not to leave his side.

but fairytales are not meant to exist in real life anyway.
silly girl, one who had never forgotten this,
but still choose to believe in them.
can you get any sillier?

tell him, but she never would,
for she knows not what he thinks.
and she never will, for he will always be so mysterious and remain this ninja-like in her heart.

although March is coming to an end,
his every move shall be etched in her mind,
for a long long time.

mr quiet guy,
i like you so.
so very much indeed.
but i don't think you'll ever know,
this ninja side of me.

helplessness.

your smile, your move, your every word,
unknowingly i let them seep in.
into my mind, where they imprint,
helplessly, so helplessly.

your stride, your laugh, your child-likeness,
carelessly i let them creep in.
into my heart, where they overwhelm,
helplessly, so helplessly.

so generous you are,
with your unfathomable silence.
your self-claimed simplicity, a complex mystery,
dying to be unravelled.

i wish i could find that little corner in your heart,
to know what you truly feel.
i wish i could dive deep within the depths of your soul,
to see if a piece of mine exists.

a trance-like dream, i wish never to be awakened.
each day of the following day never seemed this far away,
knowing there's a chance to look into your eyes,
to hear your voice, to see you smile, to be near you.

i felt this would be nice, for the rest of my life.

can't help feeling silly around you.
can do nothing about my embedded shyness,
can't help looking into your eyes,
the ones that have seen so much, so deep.

we were so close,
and you were this close.

so close, to taking my breath all away.

one day, fish came across this song which cannot be more apt as to the situation she is in right now...

both.

一眼之念 一念执着

注定就此飞蛾扑火

明知是祸为何还不知所措

quiet guy.

最好不见 最好不念

如此才可不与你相恋

多一步的擦肩就步步沦陷

shoe.

是时间的过错

让我们只能错过

我多想念你多遥远

both.

早知道是苦果

这一刻也不想逃脱

可惜这字眼太刺眼

两个世界之后

shoe.

是时间的过错

我们只能错过

我有多么想念你有多遥远

both.

早知道结局是不能抗拒的错

停留在这一刻

只好情深缘浅

not your eyes.

today i realised its not your eyes. there's more than meet the eyes. which is not good, which is simply bad. march should end as soon as it can. i never had much rein on my heart. and i don't think i ever will. i wish i could close my eyes to what i see about you and in you. but each time i closed my eyes my mind reminds me of what i've already seen and the feeling of helplessness overwhelms. i want to run but where can i go? i like you but i hate this feeling i can't control. and i need You to stop sending nice people like him into my life if nothing is going to happen again. there's only this much i can take. so why are you testing me like that time and again? what do You want of me, Lord? what?

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the casting of lots.

"hopelessly romantic and idealistic dreamer fish, you shall be destined to feel and dream more than you'd ever wished for. this shall be your blessing and your bane, for seeking that horizon which is within your sight, but never within your reach."

it is a solemn promise of always putting the other person's interests above my own.
it is something simple because you simply need to give your all, yet never easy because of the multitude of internal struggles.
it is the symbol of strength through weariness.
it is that 20 seconds of insane courage required to overcome the fear of the aftermath.
it is the certainty that you want more than friendship with this someone.
it is finding someone you are sure you want to spend every moment of the rest of your life with.
it is a choice that happened first by chance.

and things become even more impossible when you are a fish who is shy, slippery and too timid to do anything about the crazy thoughts sprouting in your romantist's mind.

yet a tinge of melancholy has always been that which makes life bittersweetly beautiful.

love and hate this part of me, which is so significantly representative of myself. can't stand it.

青花瓷 ~ Jay Chou

素胚勾勒出青花笔锋浓转淡
瓶身描绘的牡丹一如妳初妆
冉 冉檀香透过窗心事我了然
宣纸上走笔至此搁一半

釉色渲染仕女图韵味被私藏
而妳嫣然的一笑如含苞 待放
妳的美一缕飘散
去到我去不了的地方

天青色等烟雨而我在等妳
炊烟袅袅昇起隔 江千万里
在瓶底书汉隶仿前朝的飘逸
就当我为遇见妳伏笔

天青色等烟雨而我在等妳
月 色被打捞起晕开了结局
如传世的青花瓷自顾自美丽
妳眼带笑意

色白花青的锦鲤跃然于碗底
临 摹宋体落款时却惦记著妳
妳隐藏在窑烧裡千年的秘密
极细腻犹如绣花针落地

帘外芭蕉惹骤雨门环惹 铜绿
而我路过那江南小镇惹了妳
在泼墨山水画裡
你从墨色深处被隐去

天青色等烟雨 而我在等妳
炊烟袅袅昇起隔江千万里
在瓶底书汉隶仿前朝的飘逸
就当我为遇见妳伏笔

天青色等烟雨而我在等妳
月色被打捞起晕开了结局
如传世的青花瓷自顾自美丽
妳眼带笑意

She never told her love,
But let concealment, like a worm i'th' bud,
Feed on her damask cheek. She pined in thought,
And with a green and yellow melancholy
She sat like Patience on a monument,
Smiling at grief. Was not this love indeed?

little fish was happily swimming in her own world until one day she swam upon a serene shore and came by a pair of sneakers. she was surprised to find this pair of shoes in the middle of nowhere, just lying by the waters so peacefully - they weren't brightly coloured or loud, just white and simple.

and it was their simplicity that simply caught her attention.

she swam ashore, sat by the waters and begin to examine them. it was a pair of white-coloured sneakers, with beige shoe laces - perfect for someone in a simple white dress! she gently slipped her left foot into the shoes first, and then her right - they fitted so comfortably! she strolled along the beach and danced a little while.

under the gentle moon beams, they seem to glow a soft white light.

she'd never want to take them off if she could. yet she knew that this pair of shoes probably belonged to another, for they did not whisper her name when she put them on. but she liked them nonetheless, something she can't explain. like, just like. really like. like how she would like to tread the paths of a hundred different places with this pair of shoes, like how she would like to run and jump and dance in them, like how she would like them to whisper her name and let her know why.

and when it was time for the tides and waves to send the shoes away, she reluctantly slip out of them and place them back where she found them.

yet the memories of her wearing the shoes just kept coming back at her. much was left undone, words were left unspoken. she wondered deeply if she would feel the way she felt, for any friend, or there really was something more? yet she really had only worn it for a short while, so how can she feel such sadness and worry when she watch them float away so bravely, to the shore they truly belonged? and how can they simply float away with this part of her that she didn't agree to let go in the first place?

while her mind calmed a little thinking of the closure,
her heart ached a little thinking of the distance.

she will always miss this pair of shoes of hers, no matter where they float to, however short while she wore them for. the footprints they left behind, and the sand beneath her shoes would all be washed away by the water one day. but she knew that grains of memories shall always remain a part of them.

goodbye shoes, be well, be brave.

if we shall cross path once more, may the one who owns you then truly be deserving of you, and may you find happiness with her, the happiness which fate and time had not in stored for us at the moment.

goodbye, shoes. i will miss you. very much.

in the quiet midnight forest, the sky thief offered a toast to the milky way.
as silently as he entered, he quietly exits.
he had stolen some stars and left them on my path.
with them, he buried a fragment of himself in my side of the sky, deep beneath the clouds.
yet as the sun rises, shall a new day dawn.
and when the sun sets, shall his stars light up my sky.
and i shall smile.
but he shall never know.

stars...

the alignment of three stars today.
for that brief moment, today.
strangely, today.
weird.

this was what the forecast said:
January 30, 2012
Beautiful energy is with you today for attracting who and what you want into your life, dear Pisces, with patience. There's no better time to "be yourself", as the very qualities that come naturally to you are exactly what others are looking for. You are attracting positive attention now. You won't go unnoticed!

so, surprisingly tonight, a newborn evening star offered me an 'out-of-the-way' lift home. for the longest time, i really did not expect him to do anything, though he does give me a somewhat different feeling from the others. we really kind of just met and it totally did not occur to me that this evening star would ask to exchange contact detail (not so soon at least), and then offered to give me a ride home?! yet, like the morning star, this evening star would be travelling a different path soon; a relatively shorter path nonetheless.

and i met the afternoon star! he simply flashed his a-bit-of-a-shy, brief, charming smile, and looked at me with his signature electrifying pair of eyes once again. and somehow the shirt he wore simply accentuates his killer stare. can't stand it. he absolutely said and did exactly nothing, using zero percent of his power and energy to mesmerise me to death within split second, unknowingly! what the schiezer?! really. seriously. i need kryptonite.

the morning star and i met unplanned on the bus again! we last met unexpectedly when we were going home and today it was in the morning! i finally realised the night before, that he was the one i first thought of messaging when i was feeling low over something that bothered me at work, and not another friend. and him being there, and those right words he said, made me realised just how much i'd miss having him around - his voice, his presence, his messages, and how much i had actually wished for him to stay a while longer in this part of my life. strange, its barely a few months. how can you simply get so used to someone you hung around with so infrequently? but you somehow just do. and how can he make me miss him like that and know nothing about it?

haix. so somehow, my life just all of a sudden became filled with rising stars that are either embarking on different meteor tracts altogether, or are simply far too blinding to approach. yet they all happened to cross my path today. what a strange day today is.

strange.
indeed.

finished a bar of chocolate
straightening out my thoughts
thought i'll get some light
but perhaps not tonight

i watched the birds fly and the sun went down
wondering about life
i scooped a handful of sand
and let them slip through my fingers so very slowly
i could still feel them at my fingertips

i noticed your eyes and were mesmerised
but emptiness sets in and i'm lost in the lullaby
we sailed through silence as we saw the moon rise
but the mystery will not unravel itself tonight, shh. it just won't

its not love yet but i still want to know
one day
if this is you,
if it is you.

filled with moving emotions, the depth unseen.

feels so right beside him,

yet just what does he think?

who cares what the world thinks? aloofness!
its fine standing against the winds alone -
just?

no matter if i do more, but it must be fair for the rest.
considerately stark with contrast,

charm he does not know, strength he does not see.

warms you like you're in front of a fireplace, only to send chills in a gale.
just how do i find him if he remains so hidden and confusing?

draw?

doesn't matter.

as march approaches, one end would be tied.

and as march leaves, the other one would too.

conclusions will be drawn, and this passing phase closed.

can't wait? can't bear?

times when she wished she weren't a fish.

how can her heart just slipped away like that?

how can she lose her rein just like that, after she tried so hard to tighten it?

just like that.

how can she be blinded just by that few moments of connection,

which probably didn't mean anything to anyone except her?

if nothing has yet begun and she's already feeling this much, just what happens if anything really happens?

how can anyone understand the crazy and irrational intensity of the emotions she feel?

who can?

she'd all along been the one who laughs and cries with others, who can identify with and feel the emotions of others.

but who can truly feel and understand what she feels now and then tell her what to do?

and who can help wake her up and make her believe this isn't real?

sadist fish who can't help it. 

why can't things speed up so she wouldn't have time on her fin to dream?

why can't she just stop weaving little stories in her mind?

fish, why, so torn?

fish, why so sad?

fish, why so helpless?

stop giving me THAT stare.

i mean it.

i want to see you and i don't want to see you.

its getting on my nerves.

my defences were never strong to begin with.

so i need you to stop it.

its too penetrating.

that reaches-into-the-depths-of-my-soul kind of stare.

the common problem with your species.

and the downfall of mine.

i don't even know anything about you.

its already electrifying enough when you are around.

and fishes can only take that much.

especially when they already find you impressive enough.

go get yourself a wedding or attachment ring and wear it or something.

you will get me into deep shit if this continues.

and it doesn't help, you being so secretive and all.

i thought i was the level 10000.

now i can't read you.

what is this crap.

although through this all you probably wouldn't know anything.

nothing.

but this fish here can still swim and hide somewhere -

the least they could do and the best they could manage.

you shall be non-existent from now on.

she will have to learn her control.

but what happens when there are just no place safe?

when you are just everywhere,

and that you shine even in that dim, quiet corner you'd always stay?

but its alright.
now i know.
you probably belong to Him.
not too surprising.
it's happened before.
i'd just have to get used to it.
and learn to close my eyes.
can't believe this.

a scorpion and a crab.

how many times must it be this way again?

would you prefer to be stung or pinched this time round, little fish -

without hard shells or venom, your only survival defense is your masked exterior,

which must remain undetectable to this practical world.

your little conjured world of fantasy have to end,

it has to stop today.

yet the day when a piscean stops dreaming is the day when she ceases to be one.

and the day when she stops having the conflicts within herself is the day when she lets herself go.

little fish, little fish,

what would you do?

how can someone own such a pair of deep-set eyes?

how can someone be so gentle, so meek, yet possess a strong spirit?

how can someone make her feel so light-hearted, just by being around her?

how can someone brighten her day just by calling her name?

there must be something more that she doesn't know,

something there that she must have missed,

something here that's blinding her - the wind, the stars, anything!

he must have belonged to someone somewhere.

or someone else must have caught his eyes somehow.

he can be anything but real, and nothing more but a dream.

he just cannot exist and things should stay this way.

how else is she to cope with him being so close by her side?

she needs to walk away.

she needs some cool and refreshing air to clear her head.

she needs to take a deep breath and stop smiling to herself like an idiot whenever he comes to her mind.

its time for her rational and practical mind to battle her irrational and idealistic thoughts.

its war time.

and most importantly, she needs to keep this to herself.

on this very last night of the year, little water faerie walked by the same path where she first met him. she had truly wished that they'd meet again tonight, somewhat by chance. she had thought silently to herself that if they did, fate perhaps would have something more in stored for them, and she could have at least wished him a happy new year. yet fate was something neither to be grasped nor taunted. weighed down by her little thought bubbles dangled on a few strands of disappointment (at her own juvenility as well as the foreboding outcome of her silly wager), little water faerie strolled out of the mystical woods into the warm, dark night. it was one of those nights where she truly wished they had met.

the mindless waves hit,

and the fish went mad.

pause! ~

too much bubbling and hustling is ne'er good.

halt!

swim back, against the currents!

blindly follow no further.

the trench is deep and dark,

and you'll be drowned by muck.

stop stop stop STOP!

rationality is important.

if there is a plan for me, what would it be, my lord?
you created me to feel, to desire, yet to fear.
you created me to dream, to wish, yet to witness the pain of others.
you gave me a promise, a hope, which holds true only after life on this earth has passed.

my name was carved in your palm before i came into existence,
you held me as a child, you'd never let me go.
as i walk through life's journey, i see you and thank you in each and every happy and moving moment,
yet when the cross i carry keeps getting heavier, what should i do?

without you, my life would perhaps be a lot easier, unrestrained.
yet though my choice to believe in you made it a great deal harder, and more confusing,
my life did find its meaning and purpose.
still, your will for me remains a mystery.

you opened my eyes to the different sides of life,
am i supposed to see pass them or through them?
are you preparing me for them, or are you calling me to rise above these passing moments in life -
like you did on this very day two thousand years ago?

how do i see through your eyes if your ways are always so high above mine?
how do i look into my soul if half of it possesses longings, while the other half sees it?

life would have been so much simpler and more carefree if only she could stay a child forever.
she would not be wondering about love, possess that yearning to taste it, or battle the uncertainties and fears that came along with it.
she could have continued to be that free-spirited and unyielding little girl riding against the winds, self-sufficient and strong.
but she would probably know nothing about courage, fear or the depth of life.

these she realised the first time she lost the rein to her heart.
and now, she stares history in the eyes, all over again.

she met him late one night.
he was mysteriously irresistable, so different from the rest.
drawn to him by his quiet demeanor and charm, she felt she could actually fall for him as a person, and not for another person with his set of character, and she cringed at this thought of hers.

what are the chances of him not already belonging to someone else? (or perhaps to the higher powers from above?)
when others spoke about him, it would always be something nice, and she was always silently and secretly attentive.
yet the part as to whether he belonged to another, never came up.

and then he appeared, stealthily in her thoughts, without her even noticing or realising how he got in there.
the first time they met was in the day.
they met again weeks later, unarranged and impromptu, on their way home.
their random meeting then led to a trip to the library, a shared dinner and looking for a pair of shoes for him.

she was surprised that time actually passed so fast when she was with him.
and it shook her a bit when a passerby approached them to ask if they were a couple interested in going overseas together.
she was shocked not by the passerby, but rather, by the fact that she actually did not mind being teased with him.

she felt like she could be herself when she was with him, and she truly enjoyed the conversations they shared.
he knew about her fettish for astronomy, and so that night when he stayed behind to wait for her, when they somehow paused to look at the moon together in the middle of the road, she thought seriously about him for the very first time.
but how can she feel this way for him as well, when she should only have the heart for one?

this twisted irony within her - the crave for the freedom to let her imagination roam, that unknowing uncertainty which cradled her idealism, and the need for her to find out if reality and idealism can indeed share the same horizon plane in the same time frame - can they truly reconcile?
she just wasn't brave enough, both of them were simply too close, and a little too dangerous.
and her surreal glass globe of irrational hopes and dreams was simply too fragile.

yet deep down, she knew things would change with time, she would look back and have a good laugh about these incoherent thoughts of hers.
she surely will, but when?

"this's the rose from beauty and the beast? but why is it in a jar?" he asked.
"but it had always been in a jar..." she smiled.

strangely heartwarming for someone to actually know where this rose (which she held so dearly) came from... her momentarily glow ~ was this attributed to the discovery of shared knowledge, or something that had been special simply because it was this particularly someone who noticed, knew and asked?

yet the vividness and realness of what she felt in the dream the night before kept her questioning... what a torn piscean.

a thousand years (by christina perri)

heart beats fast
colors and promises
how to be brave
how can i love when I'm afraid to fall
watching you stand alone
all of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
one step closer

i have died everyday waiting for you
darling don't be afraid I have loved you
for a thousand years
i'll love you for a thousand more

time stands still
beauty in all she is
i will be brave
i will not let anything take away
what's standing in front of me
every breath
every hour has come to this
one step closer

and all along I believed I would find you
time has brought your heart to me
i have loved you for a thousand years
i'll love you for a thousand more
one step closer
one step closer