- on growing up -

oh ya. just realised i'm 2 years 3 days late...

but still,

HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY BLOG! :)

sometimes people just want to fit in so badly
they miss some line
they lose themself

but did they, in the first place, want to fit in
so that they can find themself?

sometimes people try so hard to disprove themselves in order to prove some things to themselves
there is a need to prove yourself to yourself?
don't exactly see the logic but i guess that's just part of the contradictions life hold for us?

ever see people trying so hard simply to amaze others
ever see people trying so hard to pretend so as to impress others more
ever see people trying so so hard, just to be the person they want to see themself as

little do i see people liking who they are right now.
today little water fairy felt a little restrained by the human mind.
her heart is so big,
her thirst for knowledge so unsatiable.
there are so many things she wants to learn about - every single thing under the sun,
and if she really have the time and chance, she would.
but she doesn't.
there's so many things she has yet experience,
the world seems so huge and a lifetime seems so short.

is there anyone who can really finish learning everything he/she wants to learn in a lifetime?

does having no expectations in life really guarantee a happier life?
can a life that is meaningful have no expectations?
if you can't fulfill the expectations set, what's the point of having them in the first place?

thought about this. recently. inspired by some people. around?

some people clearly have what it takes to lead but are not ready.
some are afraid of leading, because they are not sure of meeting the expectations of a leader they set for themselves. perfectionist?

some can lead but hesitate, since there'll always be another more capable leader elsewhere.
but there really might be, so,
where's the line drawn between humility and ill self-confidence anyway?
how do one know if its a need to lead or a want to lead?
some leaders mind too much what others think, some cared too little.
it never seem easy. to find the balance.

some prefered to be led, some prefers to lead.
some followed,
willing to trust another in leading,
willing to give the chance to others to lead.
or didn't want to take responsibilities of failure.

and so, if one leads because others told him/her to,
he/she might have what it takes,
but at the same time,
lacked the most important factor of all - the courage to lead.

can he/she still be a good leader then?

its never easy. really.
perhaps the first quality for a leader is really to judge soundly and don't bother too much about some uneccessary thoughts.

the safest way is always to follow? really?

if one didn't wish to lead and neither to follow?

loner? selfish?
maybe i'm under this category.
so yeah. time to swim more carefree-ly and tone down, rising leo.

sometimes people lie so as to pretend to be someone else.

are you who you want to see yourself as or who you want others to see you as?

are you where you want to be?

or where you think you'd be happy but am not?

too tired.

to say much.

need some rest.

last lap. how many are there again?

so many things i want to do. but time just doesn't play along.

i am picturing a big comfortable, thick soft layer of mattress and falling into a deep deep slumber on it, dreaming of a land faraway with everything i love. i would run barefooted on endless fields blooming with flowers of all colours. i would stroll through jungles filled with tall trees and swinging branches, with forest animals. i would swim in the clearest springs. i would weave through fishes in the ocean. i would sing and dance on top of mountain tops and look down. and when night falls, i would lie on the same patch of grassfields to gaze at the stars, every single one of them and make out their constellations. then i would dream again.

today,

water fairy realised for once,

simple, bland boring life may really, really suit her.

when things are stable and predictable, so what about having fun?

she wonders if this meant her wings will stop to grow soon.

even if her wings were to continue growing,

will she ever take flight?

wonders our water fairy.

sometimes, keeping things to oneself may give one the strength to go on.

other times, it may tie in with how you want to look at yourself - noble.nice.principled, to be blatant.

defending a decision made may not have been bad.
but wrong approach used in trying to tell someone who mean something to you would be.

no one will understand if you keep everything to yourself.

if your aim is to build a family, then doing everything yourself will not work.
expecting others to give you unconditional support without knowing what's going on will not work.


in a family, you should never have to walk alone.
in a family, there should never be "no need for explanation" - if you truly want the best for everyone.

water fairy realised something today. okay, fine. some thingS.

that there are certain things that you should never get yourself involved in before you are sure.

like sometimes you have to stop yourself and draw the line until you are sure the level of comfort is there for the other person. even though you know most part of the story and the person also probably knows you know too. there's always a better topic, especially when you are trying to care for someone you are not exactly very close to.

in addition, water fairy really hopes she can get de-sensitised a bit. although being sensitive means being more understanding, it is really quite a fair bit of guess-work and lots of unnecessary think-work constantly too... so it can be quite tiring for the mind, hers especially. :S

i guess that's why she enjoys being alone by herself sometimes. so she can stop guessing and thinking what others might feel and if there's anything she must do or say or avoid saying or doing to make them feel better...

what makes it :S is when people gossips to her and she tend to feel for the subject but she can also understand from the gossipers' point of view, their feelings and yet at the same time can never figure out why can't they can't do the same for the person they talk about. and the worse thing is she is not even involved in the whole event. so... ?! (she definitely prefers not to be involved!) but the main point is when she cannot see the positive side of human spirit in things, she just find them meaningless.

then again maybe she should stop caring. so she wouldn't have this problem at all.
as if its in her.

all in all, being alone is definitely a way to find peace for the water fairy :)

this is in her.

today, the water fairy is a little tired of being nice and understanding.
not that she's nice and understanding all the time but oh wells...

she don't want to explain either.

just a little tantrum.

she'll be alright. she'll still get her present.

be blatant for once.

and the loud rising leo sign had a conflict with the quiet mysterious pisces sun sign. where a leo wants to be heard and centre of the universe, a fish does not really want. and when you're a combination of both, you end up blogging. haha. not really lah. what is my aquarius moon sign doing? either way, not exactly helping. neither can survive in water nor on land alone.

sometimes, i wonder if i'm really travelling too far away from reality and into the non-existing unseen. what if i lost my way back one day? let's see... is it more possible for my left brain to be talking to the right one or the two of them talking to the heart? great. just proved once more that my thoughts are wandering again... whatever.

the furthest distance ever is from the heart to the mind. fine.

maybe not.

side point:

in astrology terms, all of us have 3 signs: the sun sign (determined by our birthdate), the rising sign (ruling our inner self) as well as the moon sign (i forgot what's this for - opps!). nvm, since i was never an expert in astrology in the first place.

just something lame: mix a lion and a fish and there's 2 possible things you can get

1. a lionfish

2. a merlion

told you it was lame. -_-"

hear it from a fish. bloopsz.

when will a piscean stop dreaming?

don't ask her. you'll just have to look into her eyes.

and you'll see that there is another world indeed,

away from this present one.

is a piscean very hard to get?

perhaps. even to herself?

maybe... but most of the time

she's just too busy painting her other world

she doesn't want to pause and explain to you.

mystifying perplex creature!

escapist!

loner!

but she doesn't ask much from the present world.

there is no need to.

she just create any she desires.

escapist? or so she can forever stay happy?

self delusioning and creativity were meant to be entwined since the start,

how can you create anything at all -

when you are so bound to the present and existing?

how can you heal if you only see sadness in the world you are in?

aren't children always happy

because they believe in fairytales?


loner?
she's just saving you trouble of not understanding her,
that's all.


she's still functional you know.
its only when she's left to her own private space,
that's where she begins weaving a web of dreams...

a play of feelings. a play of perspectives.

sometimes, you just need to wait patiently to see the big picture. and then all of a sudden, you understand why.

yet, in life, not all the "why"s are always known, and, not everyone appears to have the patience.

wrong time, wrong factors, wrong frequency. yet they may appear to feel right for one side of some. seems like subjectivity is a play too.

... times where i actually identify with a goldfish,
whose world is just bowl of water.

and yet is just as contented.

times where i feel perfectly wonderful to be by myself.
just by myself.
its the kind of peace that is serene.

amidst the hustle and bustle of friends around me,
it is actually this peace that i seek.

wonder if you had ever mistaken a friend for another friend before? is this a sign of getting old? hahz. or perhaps both of them just didn't leave a deep enough imprint. maybe, i am just forgetful or pre-occupied with some other stuff known as assignments and quizzes recently.

a random fleet of thoughts can sometimes fly past so soon, the next moment you try to trace it, it is long gone. and you'd wished you had captured it a moment earlier...

a castle built in the clouds can either be an empty thought or one in which admission is strictly by invitation.

if,
i ever build one,
i'd
probably be

the only person it ever admits.